I Must Be Blind, to Not Have Seen the Signs

I hadn’t left the house since that day. I’d just sat, watching TV trying to think about anything else. I hadn’t slept, I hadn’t eaten. I know it’s all terribly cliché and I just wanted to be over him. I mean he was the one who did wrong so why should I be the one that’s hurting?

I hadn’t cried though. I refused to cry over him.

I turned my phone off because didn’t want to speak to anyone, and if anyone came to the door I just pretended I wasn’t there. Friday lunch time Kia and Dan came banging on the door but I just hid in my room.

I shouldn’t have been shutting them out, but I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me and pretending to know what I was going through.

So I just ignored them.

That was until about half nine that night. I heard someone banging furiously on the door. I found that after nine it must be important, so I got up and quietly went over to the door and looked through the peephole.

It was josh.

What the hell was he doing here? I got this weird feeling in my belly because he was here, but I couldn’t let him see me like this. I dropped to the floor and moved to the side a little and planned to stay there until her was gone. If he opened up the letter box and saw me walking across the hall I was dead meat. At least I was out of the way here.

My fears were confirmed when the letter box opened and josh started shouting through it.

“Pip, please open the door, I know you’re in there, just let me in”

I didn’t though. I sat there and prayed over the pounding in my head that he would go.

“Pip come on, please I wanna help you. I know exactly how you feel, and I mean that, I’m not just saying it, so just let me in yeah? I wanna help you, I’m worried about you. Please Pip, it’s only me, you can trust me right?”

Did he know how I felt or was he just saying that? I mean who in their right mid who cheat on josh? Surely having him to yourself was unfair, why would you go looking for someone else? I still said nothing though, hoping he would just go.

I felt him sink to the floor on the other side of the wall and I gulped inaudibly.

“You know, I have all the time in the world, I can sit here as long as you can”

Shit.

So that’s what we did. We sat there for a while not doing or saying anything. In the back of my mind I wanted to let him. He was here because he was worried and he cared and he wanted to make sure I was okay, I mean that’s what he’d said right? But the selfish part of me overruled that and I just wanted to be alone. After about 10 minutes I felt him get and walk up and down the hallway a few times before he came back to the door and spoke through the letter box again.

“Okay you win. I get it, you dot wanna see anyone right now. Either that or you’re not here and I’m just talking to nothing. But I have something for you” He pushed something through the box and I let it crash to the floor, not daring to touch it encase h saw me. “It might help, then again it might not, but you never know. So just give it a try and when you’re ready to speak to someone, just call me yeah? I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and I’ll be straight over”

I heard him walk away and down the stairs and I waited an extra few minutes before moving encase he was still there. I moved carefully and didn’t hear anything from outside, so I picked up what he’d left me and took it into my room.

It was a CD. One of there’s to be precise. I’d listened to there most resent stuff but hadn’t gotten round to the earlier songs. The album was called hold me down and it was recorded in 2010 so it wasn’t too old. I slipped it into my laptop and hit play.

Josh said it might help. Or then again it might not. It was a really good album, but I wasn’t too sure judging by the first few songs how this was supposed to be maybe helping me. That was until I got to the song ever so aptly titled There’s No Such Thing As Accidental Infidelity.

Josh sounded so passionate when he sung. So angry and so hurt, it made me want to chop up who’d ever made him feel like this. It all sounded so real, like maybe he had gone through what I had and maybe did understand.

Was it something I said?
Something I did that made you destroy all we’ve built?

By the time I’d gotten to that part of the song I was in floods. Josh was right though, it wasn’t helping. It was making me feel even worse. This was the type of song you should listen to when you’re over that person and realised how much better off you are without them.

I at this point wasn’t at that stage yet.

But then there was the song that changed everything. It was the very last track on the album.

It was like josh had written it for me because he’d known Henry was going to do this too me. But clearly that was utter bull. Josh was right, he knew exactly how I felt because he’d felt the same. Josh sang with such emotion on this song that made my eyes sting continuously throughout the whole thing.

“It’s true what they say, went and threw it all away..”

That was it then, I was in floods of tears. It was like josh knew how I felt even when I didn’t. He pulled out all of the emotion I’d been keeping under wraps until it was pouring out of me and I couldn’t keep it in any longer.

I guess it was healthy that I was crying. it’s not good to keep things bottled. I felt mean for ignoring josh when he just wanted to help and I felt like I needed someone now, plus josh had said to call when I was ready.

He’d probably just got home and didn’t fancy traipsing all the way back over here, but then the selfish part of me took over again and I turned my phone on, ignoring the tones of missed calls. I texted josh, not wanting him to know I’d been crying.

sorry for ignoring you before
I just wasn’t ready for anyone
I’ve listened to what you gave me and it helped
Thank you so much for being there.
I know it’s late and you probably only just got home
And don’t fancy coming back over but I would
Love to see you.
Pip x

I set my phone beside me and about 30 seconds later I had a reply.

I’ll be there as soon as I can
Josh x

With that I jumped up splashed my face with some cold water in a vain attempt to make the blotches go away. After that I went and sat in the living room and waited nervously until josh came.

After about 20 minutes there was a knock on the door.

Better get this show on the road.