Be Like You

I hadn’t realized that everyone had watched my performance, but once Rebecca and Matt had gone up to me to tell me how much they enjoyed it and Louis and Liam complimenting me let me know everyone had witnessed my emotional release.

“You’ve got to be my mentor” Rebecca gushed as we had lunch together. Meagan had been dragged out to lunch with Simon and I just wanted a peace full afternoon.

“It’s a deal then, I don’t really think Matt wanted me as his” I laughed.

Looking at me confused she shook her head, “Well I thought you and the boys were going to be together “It seemed like you and Harry got off to a good start”

Scoffing I looked at her seriously, “That’s a joke right? Harry and I, yeah that’s never happening again” I told her.

“Again?” she asked making me realize I let it slip that I already knew Harry.

Nodding I looked away, I didn’t want to talk about this but it was my fault to begin with. I should have just stayed quiet.

“So you two have known each other before this?” she asked to clarify her suspicions.

“We grew up in the same town” I told her moving my food around.

“But you live in America?” Confusion laced her words and I could only explain to her most of the story.

“I spent my half the time in the states and half the time at Holmes Chapel, best friends all our lives, next door neighbors the entire ordeal. Last winter we finally did something about the way we felt about each other, didn’t work out and we moved on.” I put it in simple terms for her.

“And that song you sang today? Is about him?”

Breathing in I sighed, “Yeah, you can say I didn’t handle the break up well”.

“But you two kept in touch right? You made it sound like you two were best friends”.

“No. I cut off anything to do with him. Until this trip” I admitted childishly.

“Hey, I’m not judging you. If I was in your situation I wouldn’t even be able to handle being in the same city as him” she attempted to comfort me but I just rejected it, “You have a point though, I don’t know why I’m making myself go through this. I could have easily said no and stayed in California”.

“But that’s what makes us different. It’s what makes you, you and what makes me, me” she smiled.

“Enough about me. I heard you and Zayn have a thing going on?”I smirked.

Rebecca waved it away laughing, “It’s nothing serious at the moment. We’re just here for each other during this crazy shit in our lives”.

I shrugged my shoulders taking her answer for the moment.

“This isn’t my place to say anything, but have you thought about maybe giving Harry another
chance? You two seem like a great couple”.

“There’s always a fine line between being best friends and lovers. And it just wasn’t meant to be” I told her before getting up, “but it was great having lunch with you, do it again before I leave?”

“Yes, definitely” she smiled at me.

We went our separate ways, she had to go back to the studio and I just wanted some time to myself. I was performing tonight and tomorrow was the finale. After tomorrow I would be back in the States and far away from all of this mayhem.

Spending a few hours at the park and just relaxing and thinking about everything I headed back to the studio, the boys had the stage for this time slot which meant I got the practice studio all to myself. I’d get some time alone with my music.

Picking up the first guitar in my possible reach I sat on the stool just strumming it, it wasn’t calling to me and it was driving me crazy. Looking around the room in aggravation I noticed the baby piano and couldn’t help myself but walk towards it.

I hadn’t touched a piano since the breakup, almost a year since touching or going near one. Deep down underneath I knew why, Harry was the one who had taught me how to play.

Not wanting to be remembered by the memories that kept haunting me I didn’t touch the keys, eyeing them warily; as if they would attack me any minute.

I eventually succumbed to the memories circling me, as I thought back to the first piano lesson, the first hand holding, the first nickname, the first kiss, the first everything I ever had with him.

Tears falling down like waterfalls all over again, just like this morning. Except this morning I didn't have my purse with me, and at the moment I did. Finding my blade I slid it into my pocket before walking towards the bathroom.

Everyone always told me not become those superstars who threw their career down the toilet by cutting themselves, and doing drugs and becoming addicted or an alcoholic. But
what people didn’t know, didn’t hurt them.

Locking the door to the entire bathroom I slid my sweatpants a bit down to where my other marks were at, no one would look at this part of my hip. Even if I was in a bikini, the fabric would always cover it and that was good enough for me.

Looking down I started to notice, that all nine lines that I marked already were forming a star.

All I was missing was one more, pushing the blade deep enough and sliding it I felt the euphoric sensation of letting all my problems leave.

I grabbed a paper towel, hissing slightly when I pressed down to stop the bleeding while cleaning the blade before sliding it back down in my pocket. If Meagan ever found out she would murder me, she already suspected about me not eating enough.

Getting the bleeding to stop I slowly lifted my sweat pants back into place before unlocking the bathroom door and making my way back to the studio. I could make myself play the piano, even if it was just for a moment.

Playing the first few notes that were near me got me into playing an entire song, the harmony of the song that I was singing to night; of course once I added the lyrics I kept going until the last word.

Someone clapped behind me after I finished, turning around I sighed seeing it was the one person I wanted to get away from, “What do you want?”

“I can’t spend some alone time with my best friend. And I’m very hurt, you’ve been ignoring me” he chuckled taking a seat next to me.

“Please don’t” I barely chocked out holding my breath, if I smelt his scent the water works would start again.

“Why? Why can’t I be near you? Am I that repulsing now?” sighing he looked at me, “Can I ask you something?”

“You’re going to ask it either way” I mumbled wanting to get as much space away from him as possible.

“Why did you stop all contact between us after I ended things?” I wasn’t prepared for that question, actually looking at him for once. Our eyes staring into each other’s, staring into each other’s souls, “You look so sad. Lizzie, you can talk to me still” he murmured.

“No I can’t” I mumbled looking down.

It felt like we were back in Holmes Chapel, happy ignorant teenagers.

Grabbing my hand and pushing my face back up, he looked at me, straight in the eyes, “I will always be here for you. I promised you this almost a year ago and I intend to keep it.”

“It’s just another lie, why do you keep telling me lies? Does it make you feel better about yourself?” I asked getting upset all over again.

“I’m telling you nothing but the honest straight truth, you can’t see it but I’ve always been here for you. I watched every American Idol episode, I rooted for you. I was there every single step of the way. Maybe not physically, but I was there. I knew what you were feeling when you made it to the judges house, and when you made it to the top three”

“So you know how fucking miserable I was? How many nights I cried myself to sleep?” I hissed harshly pulling my hand away when he said he knew how I felt, “How much I’ve fucking hated myself this year. You must have enjoyed the show, another notch on your bedpost right? I didn’t mean shit to you and you bloody well know it” standing up I headed towards the door. Tears already leaving my eyes rapidly.

“What’s it going to take for you to realize that I hated myself for ending things, that I regretted it the most? That I fucking love you” he exclaimed pulling me back by arm and pulling me up against him, “I bloody love you and you make it so difficult for me to show it” he breathed out, his breath hitting my face as I looked up at him.

“Because I can’t handle you leaving me again” I admitted.

“I’ll never do that again, I learned the first time” he assured me.

“I can’t believe you” barely whispering I doubted he even heard me.

He didn’t say anything, I was hoping he would let me go so I could go and cry myself to sleep until tonight. Except he did the last thing I thought he would ever do, using his hands at the back of my neck he pushed me forward; his lips on mine.