You Got Me Poppin Champagne

ERIN'S POV

"I told you guys I'll be out in a minute, I'm fine!" I half yelled, half sobbed at whoever had just come in.

"You don't look fine." 

My eyes snapped open and I drew in a breath. I knew that voice. Alex.

"Go away, you're not supposed to see me before the wedding!" I complained. Luckily my back was towards him so he wouldn't see my tear stained face, although judging by how awfully cracked my voice sounded, he'd be able to guess I was crying anyway.

"Don't worry, I'm walking backwards and my eyes are closed, so I won't be able to see you and if I die from falling over because I can't see where I'm going, I'm blaming you."

I laughed a little at that, but soon bit my lip in a weak attempt to stop further tears escaping. Instead my laughter was replaced with desperate whimpers.

"What's wrong Erin? Is it too fast? Do you wanna slow everything down? We can cancel the wedding if you want, everyone would understand-"

"No! God no, Alex! Why would you think that?"

"Maybe because it's our wedding day and you're crying and if it's not that...well then it must be me, right? You figured out how much of an asshole and a douchebag I really am and you don't wanna marry me anymore. You wanna break up." Alex said it as if they were absolute truths, normative facts. I gritted my teeth to suppress the burning growl deep within, willing to rip my own heart out because despite his careless tone, I was breaking his own vulnerable heart. And I didn't know how to stop.

"No, Alex, no. I love you, I really do. You're everything to me, I wouldn't have made it this far without you. I'm so in love with you it's crazy. I just...my mom...I mean...and then there's...well..." Oh god, how was I supposed to explain this to him? How was I supposed to tear everything apart?

I could detect the relief in his voice when Alex next spoke, happy to accept my venomous, poisoned soul, a twisted tyranny shadowing what was once pure and virtuous love. My love for him now felt like a mockery. I did love him, I really did. I never lied. I couldn't stand the thought if him not in my life. But by the same token it wouldn't be long before I caused his heart to shatter. It was out of my control, how do you destroy the only persons life that you've ever truly loved? 

"Your mom told me not to let you cry...she wants you to be happy today. Erin...has she done something? Because she said she was sorry...what's she sorry for?" His unawareness made me want to cry anymore, and despite my feeble attempts at closing my heart down, barricading it off from the cruel attack if kind, inquisitive words, he broke through and more soft cries followed. "Erin? Oh god, words can't describe how much I just wanna turn around and hold you right now. I hate it when you cry. You're don't deserve to be upset, you don't deserve to cry anymore."

Alex's yearning simply made my heart ache more so, if that was possible. "Alex...my mom isn't gonna stick around."

"What do you mean? Come on baby, help me out here. I can't have you crying on your wedding day. I feel like the shittiest fiancé ever."

"Opposed to my brilliant reputation for a bride right now?" I joked. Yes, joked. A pathetic attempt, but I could hear the smile in Alex's voice, pleased that I seemed to be making a little progress in his presence.

"Exactly. Now come on, what's this nonsense about your mom not staying?"

I drew in a breath, and chose the words appropriate to mask the truth, because there was a reason she was letting the police get her. There was nothing for her here. Nothing she could help fix as my mother. She felt she had no role. That was right, wasn't it? That was why she was letting them take her away, right?

"My mom can't stay. I can't tell you why, not until after the reception, but we spoke about it...and we're better, we really are, but she's still leaving me. I'm not enough. I can't make her stay. I don't know what to do. I never thought I'd sat this but...I need her. I can't let her go, not now." Because I had my own secret. The one thing that was sure to destroy my future with Alex. But how did I tell him? I had no proof...I just knew it, in my heart, in my soul, I knew it was true. But he wouldn't believe me, nobody would. I already knew they wouldn't. I didn't need to ask them. 

"Okay, so after the wedding I go talk to your mom and get this all sorted. Then you won't have anything to worry about and you won't have to explain everything to me. You're more than enough, Erin. And I know it's not exactly the same, but if you need someone you know there's me...I'm marrying you for fucks sake! You'll always have me here for you, let alone the band and crew abs Sam, Allie and Cass. And don't forget, there's always Jasey." Oh god...oh Jasey...Jasey Rae, my perfect little girl...what was this going to do to her? Obviously it would be the hardest on her...I just never anticipated quite how hard it would be, but that's why the future's there, to figure this all out. Show us things we never thought conceivable until the actual point at which they occur. "I'm here for you. I love you, Erin, and I really want to marry you right now." The latter part of the sentence was tainted with a chuckle, but the love and genuine desperation was most detectable in Alex's voice.

I smiled weakly. "I really want to marry you too," I told him, and heard him chuckle.

"Good. So what are we waiting for?"

I fidgeted with the chiffon material that layered my dress. "I think you're gonna hate me."

"What? Why would I-"

"Alex, please! Let me speak!" There was a moment of shock filled with unmistakable tension, thick with the type of awkward silence Alex and I had never experienced. I waited another moment to be sure Alex wouldn't try to speak again. "There's something missing, Alex. Something is so wrong...I can feel it."

More silence, and Alex started to speak, then paused, figuring out how to let the words roll off his tongue. "What do you mean, something missing, something wrong...is there something wrong with us?"

I shook my head. "No, not us, the babies, Alex, there's something wrong with the babies," I whispered to him in a broken voice.

Neither of us spoke, unwilling to face the honestly of the useless pain I felt.

"Has something happened? Have you bled or had any pain or something? Have the doctors said anything?" All rational and sensible questions. The correct questions.

"No...nobody said anything, there's been no signs...but...I just...I can feel it, Alex, I feel like there's something wrong."

"Erin, listen to me. If there's been nothing out of the ordinary and you're fine with the medical experts, then you're probably just getting worried over nothing, stressing too much. Baby, you're fine. Our kids are fine, but if you keep freaking out you'll work yourself up to making something bad happen because your body won't be able to cope. When we get back to Baltimore we'll go to the doctor just to put your mind at rest, okay? You're fine, you're safe, you're with me, you're okay. And I love you. So you can calm down, okay?"

I held my breath, bit my lip, and nodded. Despite whatever dread I felt inside, I wanted to marry this wonderful, beautiful man who somehow managed to love me beyond the mortal capacity of the heart, and had done so much for me without even knowing. I put my thoughts to the back of my mind, aware something was wrong, with the kids, with myself and with my mother, unable to tell him everything, for fear of breaking his heart, abs focused on the fact that this was my wedding day. And I was in love. And Alex would make sure everything was okay.

"So you ready to get married?" he asked softly, full of pure, unaltered, tentative love.

I smiled, genuinely this time. "Yeah. Yeah I'm ready to get married." And I meant it with my whole heart.