You Got Me Poppin Champagne

ERIN'S POV

I didn't notice Alex was there holding me until Jasey's cry broke through the pain. I gripped Alex's arm and looked up, to see my small child stood there in front of me, eyes wide, clutching a teddy bear for dear life, much like how I was gripping Alex. God, why did this have to hurt so bad?

"Mommy," she said, tears filling her panic strikes eyes.

I took a few deep breaths before I was finally able to reply. "It's okay baby, mommy's okay," and as I said those words another painful contraction came, causing Alex and I to yelp. Alex's outburst was more so a reaction to my cry.

"Rian, can you go take Jasey to my parents? I'll get Erin to the car," Alex told Rian, rather calmly actually, given the circumstance...I guess he was trying to put on a brave face too for Jasey. Rian nodded and picked Jasey up, holding her close. I calmed my breathing as the pain subsided once more. "Jasey, baby, uncle Rian's gonna take you to go see grandma and grandpa while I go get mommy some help, you just gotta be a good girl and wait for a little while with them okay? Can you do that for me?"

I briefly saw Jasey nod as Alex settled me on the couch to steady myself and he muttered some words to Rian and tried to soothe our daughter whenever she glanced over at me. Shortly I heard the door close and footsteps nearing me as a contraction came again.

"Do you reckon it's time?" Alex asked nervously as I nodded, gripping his hand.

"Yeah, I've had them since this morning, but now the contractions are seriously getting faster."

"Okay, come on then, I'll get you on the car," Alex told me as he tried to help me up, but in a blind moment of panic I refused and looked up to his face with pure fear radiating from mine. No. No he can't find out. Not like this. I can't have him find out now. I was supposed to tell him...but we all knew I wouldn't. We all knew I was a coward. And now I would break his heart, loose him, cause him to hate me, cause Jasey to hate me and loose Jasey all in the same day.

"No, Alex, I can't, I don't want to. Don't make me," I begged, knowing full well I was being ridiculous because either way I would have to go to the hospital sometime.

Alex looked at me with that same old sympathetic smile I use to dream about receiving, and knelt down in front of me, taking both my hands. "Erin, we've done this before, and I know last time was as scary as hell and I know that you're scared now because of last time. But it all worked out in the end, okay? We were fine. We are fine. And yeah, I'm scared right now too, but these babies actually made the whole nine months, it's time wether we like it or not. So come on, we gotta go, we gotta get you looked after."

I bit my lip and nodded, letting a few stray tears fall, which I could easily pass off as tears from the pain. It didn't hurt this bad last time, why the hell was it hurting this much now? Maybe it was all in my head, the pain. More emotional than physical. 

Alex wiped a tear away and smiled. "Alright then, let's go, we do this together."

Those were the last words I really took in that day. 

They were the ones I held onto through the screaming and the pushing and the firm grip Alex had on my hand, as much of a need to protect me as I needed to protect him. And that was what all this time had been about. Protecting him. My saviour. My wonderful angel, the singer and guitarist I had fallen in love with, the man who, amongst his fellow band members had saved my life. The one I could always look to. The only one I felt like I had never let down. But right now I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to look at him. I was too scared of what I would see there.

So through it all I kept my eyes shut. It was easier that way, better. Because I could hold onto a lie for a little while longer.

I faintly heard the midwife tell me to push and get ready for the first baby, and so I did with much encouragement from Alex. I heard his cries of happiness when they announced we had a baby boy shortly after we heard his cry from the needle they pricked his foot with. 

My heart was racing, but not from childbirth. From pure fear of what was about to be revealed. Maybe the nurses didn't know. They hadn't said anything yet. For a few more minutes, Alex was safe. But I needed to stall, I needed more time, I needed Alex to be okay. I opened my eyes, risking a glance at his face. His eyes met mine and he raised my hand to his lips, kissing it then leaning down to kiss my forehead.

I couldn't hold the tears back. I cried as quietly as I could with everything around me and tried to hide my weakness. But I couldn't do that, could I? Because I am weak. I've only ever been weak. It explains my past, my history. It explains how I was so scared to share the truth and now I was wrapped up in lies. But it was about to fall apart, I couldn't keep this secret forever, I knew that.

"Can we stop for a minute? Please? I just need to stop, please," I cried out to the nurse nearest my bed.

I felt a hand on my forehead, stroking my hair back and I knew it was Alex but I daren't look, daren't see what I feared most in his eyes.

The nurse gave me a weak smile. "It's a bit late for that now honey, come on, just one more push."

I almost screamed in desperation, but instead screamed from the pain of the last push.

And then it was over.

I didn't take much in after that. It was kind of a blur. A whirlwind of silence. A silence that spoke every word I deserved to hear. But it wasn't that that killed me. It wasn't even Alex's desperate tears as he pleaded with the nurses and doctors and midwives and anyone to do something, to do anything. It wasn't the picture of a grown man looking so broken. Not even the way he held Jasey when he asked about her siblings killed me. It hurt, but it didn't kill me. 

What killed me was the look of disappointment on Alex's face when he realised I knew. But I deserved him to turn his back on me.

I didn't, however, deserve the right to mourn my still born daughters life.

ALEX'S POV

When we were finally able to take Noah home, I spoke once to Erin. Only once. I didn't want to show her how weak I was.

"Maria. Maria can be her first name."

Then I did the one thing I shouldn't have done and turned my back on her to go sleep on the couch. 

Maria Harleigh Gaskarth, my daughter, died four months before she was even born.

Five months spent trapped in darkness, growing. How was that fair?

And I didn't even get to meet her.