I Could Never Pretend

“Do you really mean that?” Bam asked Amelia, unable to mask the sound of shock in his voice.

“Yes”, Amelia breathed, her voice was barely above a whisper. There was no point in denying it anymore.

“So you’re saying you’re still in love with me?”

“Yes.”

“After everything I’ve done to you?” Bam could not bring himself to make eye contact with her, nor could he allow himself to imagine what this revelation might mean. There were so many thoughts running through his head, thoughts of hope and desire.

“Don’t ask me to try explaining it Bam, I can’t. I just...I don’t know...” Amelia sighed, running her hands through her hair in frustration. She needed to lie down. She’d had too much to drink. “Despite everything that’s happened...what we had was serious, wasn’t it?’

Bam nodded slightly. And he’s gone and thrown it all away.

“I don’t know what to say”, Bam scratched his head.

“That must be a first.” Amelia’s lips twitched.

Bam laughed and finally looked at Amelia, noticing her eyes were wet with tears. “Hey, don’t cry.” He rubbed her arm gently.

“I’m sorry”, Amelia laughed slightly, wiping her eyes. “I can’t stop crying lately. Like I said, my life is just spiralling out of control!”

“Please don’t say sorry to me Amelia. It’s the last thing you should be saying”, Bam grimaced. A sudden and strong desire to turn back time had taken over him. What he would have given to be able to undo this mess and hold the woman in front of him again. Everything he had ever wanted was right here in this hotel room.

“I don’t know what else to say”, she shrugged hopelessly, returning her gaze to the floor.

“Then don’t say anything.”

Before either of them knew what was happening, Bam had pulled Amelia into his arms and their lips were locked in a passionate embrace. The alcohol running through Amelia’s system was telling her not to fight it. This was inevitable and there was nothing she could do to stop it now anyway. She was powerless to resist the touch of her husband. An electric pulse rippled down Amelia’s spine as her body responded to the sensation of his cold hands on her skin. Bam tightened his grip around her waist and as he increased the urgency of the kiss, Amelia began to kiss him back. The taste of Bam no longer felt like a distant memory to her, it brought so many emotions flooding back to the surface of her conscience.

As they kissed, every other kiss they’d ever shared replayed in her mind. She remembered the very first time they had kissed. Bam had attacked her with a paintbrush after Phil’s blue paint day and before she knew it she was in his arms. At the time, Amelia had instantly regretted it, despite how much she had enjoyed it, but she’d found herself unable to stay away from him. Their next kiss had been in Bam’s pool after he’d thrown her in as revenge for leaving him and the others on an island over night. That was when he’d promised to prove his feelings for her. Amelia deepened the kiss and put her arms around Bam’s neck.

As her mind flicked to the next kiss, in the bedroom after he’d hidden her keys to stop her from leaving, Amelia realised she was missing out all the not so good moments in between. For every special moment they had spent together over the course of their relationship, there was at least ten times that Bam had made her angry or reduced her to tears. He ignored her. He abandoned her when she was pregnant. He effectively sacked her. He cheated on her. What kind of a relationship was that? And Bam wasn’t the only one at fault. Hadn’t she kissed Johnny when she was pregnant with Bam’s son? Hadn’t she kissed Johnny on their wedding day? Hadn’t she run off to LA while she was still married to Bam, to spend New Year with Johnny?

Johnny. His face instantly appeared in Amelia’s mind. She loved him, didn’t she? Then what the hell was she doing now? Bam’s hand reached for her chest, but Amelia suddenly pulled away. What was she thinking, kissing Bam? This was definitely not good. No. She should not be doing this. She practically leapt off the sofa.

“What’s wrong?” Bam looked up at her, confused and flustered.

“This is wrong”, Amelia groaned, throwing her hands to her face. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

“Are you telling me that didn’t feel right?” Bam looked questioningly at her with his bright blue eyes, before standing up and walking over to her.

Amelia had to turn away. She couldn’t bring herself to answer him and she was scared of what might happen if she looked into those blue eyes again.

“Amelia!” Bam shouted this time and pulled her shoulders around so that she had no choice but to face him. “Tell me that it felt wrong to you and I’ll leave. I’ll leave right now and never bother you again.”

An awkward silence filled the room.

“I can’t Bam”, Amelia sighed after a few moments. “I can’t lie to you.”

“So it felt right. What’s the problem?” He didn’t seem to understand.

“That is the problem Bam. Every inch of my body hates your guts right now. You’ve hurt me beyond repair but I just kissed you and...”

“And?” Bam prompted her.

“And I felt something”, she admitted. “I felt something and I hate myself for it.”

Bam tried to hide the look of happiness from his face. Before he could begin to respond she interrupted him.

“I can’t do this Bam. Not right now. I need to leave.”

“But Amelia...”

“Please Bam, just let me go.”

If he had never let her go in the first place, they would not be standing here right now, debating whether or not it was right or wrong for his wife to kiss him. Bam thought it best not to mention this to Amelia though, so he kept his mouth shut.

Amelia wished he’d say something, even if it was to try to change her mind. Anything was preferable to the awkward silence. “I need to go”, she told him firmly this time. “I really can’t be here right now.”

Before Bam could argue, Amelia dived into the bedroom, closing the door behind her, leaving Bam looking confused and frustrated.

Shit, she thought, collapsing head first onto the bed. She needed to get out of here. What the hell had she been thinking? She couldn’t deny that she had felt something when they kissed. But after all, it was perfectly natural for her to still have feelings for her husband, wasn’t it? Not that it mattered what she felt for Bam anymore, she’d made her decision. She and Bam were over. For good.

Was this just a way of subconsciously getting back at Johnny for lying to her, she wondered. Perhaps? But if so it was still a shitty thing to do. She’d just sunk lower than she thought she was ever capable of. Maybe she and Bam deserved each other if she was willing to kiss Bam as revenge. At least Johnny had never cheated on her.

Amelia didn’t even try to contain her tears as she scooped Brandon out of bed and made her way back into the main room to collect her things.

Bam stood up. “Amelia...” he began, but she cut him off.

“Don’t Bam. This was a huge mistake. I need to go... I’m sorry. This is all my fault.” She stuttered, picking up her hand bag and heading for the door.

“Where are you going? It’s past midnight.” He sounded worried.

“I’ll get a cab”, she waved him off and disappeared before he could follow.

Bam watched her walk away and his heart sank. He’d allowed her to walk away once again. What were the chances that he would ever get her back now?

Amelia hurried out of the hotel as quickly as her feet would carry her. Her only option was to take a taxi home and pick her car up in the morning. She could only hope that her apartment was empty by now. After all, she doubted that her friends would be looking for her this late. With any luck, Rose had passed on the message that she was staying with a friend and that she was fine. Ironically, this couldn’t be further from the truth at that particular moment in time.

Amelia jumped into the first taxi she spotted outside the hotel and buckled Brandon in as the vehicle sped off. As they made their way through the illuminated streets of LA, she tried to catch her breath and calm down. There was no point in worrying about the situation now. She would deal with the fall out in the morning when she’d had some much needed sleep. It was only a short drive to her apartment so she decided to rest her eyes for a few minutes, trying to rid the image of Bam’s face from her mind.

Her eyes were still closed as a huge lorry came hurtling towards the taxi.