Dirty Little Secrets

“You love him,” my younger sister Megan teased.

“Shut up, I do not.”

“Danny, I’m fifteen. I think I would recognize love when I see it!”

I looked around for parents slash my even younger brother Ethan then pulled Megan all the way into my room.

“I’m confused. He said I was beautiful.”

“Well, you are,” Megan said. “He’s not lying.”

“He was depressed all day long… Does that mean he knew about Kennedy asking me out?”

“Kennedy asked you out?!”

“Oh… Yeah…”

“And I’m guessing you said yes?” I nodded. “You think John’s jealous of Kennedy?”

“Kind of… He’s been my best friend forever. I wouldn’t be surprised if he liked me.”

“Well do you like him?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. I’ve always thought of him as a brother. Maybe if he spoke up or acted like he liked me I would.”

“So you’re thinking about it?” She smiled widely.

“Yes I am a bit curious, Megan.”

“Talk to him. That’s the only way you’ll figure it out.”

After a night of preparing what I would say to John the next morning, he seemed like he was back to his old self. He wasn’t depressed anymore and he was acting as normal as he always did. Maybe I was taking everything the wrong way. I decided against bringing up anything.

“Who are you dressed so special for?” Eric teased me as we got out of John’s truck.

“I didn’t know I was dressed up.”

He draped his arm around my shoulder. “A skirt?”

“I wear skirts once in a blue moon. It’s not that special.”

“You’re not dressing up for Kennedy?” Jared said laughing.

“Nope, I’m dressed up for John.”

He turned red and almost came to a complete stop.

“I’m telling Ken,” Eric said and started dashing for the table, then Jared took off after him as I laughed and continued the walk with John.

“So you and Ken are going to a movie on Friday?”

“Yep,” I smiled to myself.

“You guys look good together.” I could tell that he didn’t mean it. Maybe I wasn’t overlooking this after all.

“John, can I –”

The bell rang and he was still looking at me, waiting to finish, but I couldn’t. It felt too awkward.

“Can you walk me to class?”

He smiled and I never realized what a nice smile he had. I didn’t even realize how he was dressed. His long hair was held down by a stretchy headband and he had on a purple sleeve baseball tee with skinny jeans and gray Vans. I never appreciated how cute my best friend was. I guess because I’ve never thought of him that way before. But the thought intrigued me.

On occasions, I would hold hands with Eric or Jared or John and this was one of those occasions. We walked to my drama class hand in hand and I could feel happiness exuding off of him. He hugged me tightly before I walked in. Maybe I’m starting to think about this too much.

The rest of my classes with Kennedy, I almost completely forgot about John. He was just so funny and I remembered why I agreed to a date with him in the first place. I really liked him and enjoyed his company. John was right: we did look good together.

“I like you,” he said to me as we were walking to English together.

“You do?” I smiled at him and he nodded. “I guess I like you too.”

“You guess?” He started tickling me as I shrieked and a couple of underclassmen were looking at us. GTFO.

“Fine! I really like you.”

“That’s what I thought you said.”

“Sounds like you got a pretty big ego in there,” I said, poking his chest as he intertwined his fingers with mine.

“Only around you.”

After school, since it was Thursday, that meant that there was a ‘social gathering’ at John’s house. That was the one place John was wild and had crazy confidence around women.

Plenty of girls at school found John attractive and he’d even hooked up with a few after many beers, but they never seemed to hang around him at school for some reason.

John was the one with the fake ID, so he was the one who had to go in and buy the beer while Eric, Jared and I sat in the parking lot.

“So is anything going to happen with you and Ken tonight?” Jared asked, winking.

“I don’t know. Depends on how drunk I get.”

“Watch out, get too drunk and you’ll wind up with John again.”

I gave him the death stare. “Who told you about that?”

“John… He wouldn’t shut up about it for a month straight. I think he liked it.”

That was almost two years ago… Could that have been why he liked me, if he did?

John walked out with three large cases of beer, threw them in the back with the guys and got in. I stopped thinking about Kennedy again. Once we arrived at his house, Jared opened his big mouth.

“So Danny was just telling us how much she enjoyed making out with you that one time.”

He turned red again and almost dropped the case he was carrying as Jared walked past him with his case. Instead of getting defensive, I just went along with it. “Yeah, we should do that again some time.” I wasn’t playing around, I really wanted to kiss him again.

Kennedy drove up then in his red Nissan and instinctively I flocked over to him as I heard John’s heart shatter.

“I missed you,” he said and gave me a hug.

“Yeah that whole hour apart killed me!” I said sarcastically and let him escort me inside.

We started drinking immediately and all the other guests started showing up at six. Mostly attractive girls from school, but some guys too. This one guy brought a keg and of course John was the first one upside down drinking from it. Kennedy had his arm around me while sitting on the couch, then out of nowhere we started making out. He was a good kisser. I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw John making out with some slut bag and I became weirdly jealous. I felt like going over there and punching her in her tit. To get back at him, I got more intense with mine and Kennedy’s make out. Every time I looked over at him, it felt like we were at war with each other, trying to make each other jealous.

“I’ll be right back,” I said and broke away from him. He smiled and nodded.

I was about…oh, eight beers in and I was substantially buzzed. I pulled him off of the girl and into his room. It felt like déjà vu.

“What?” He asked.

“What are you trying to do?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Are you trying to make me jealous?”

“Is it working?”

“Maybe.”

He put one hand cupped around my neck and the other was on my back, pulling me closer to him, then he kissed me.

I was brought back to reality and I was still kissing Kennedy. I imagined the whole scenario with John. I had to have been feeling something for him if I went as far as daydreaming I’m kissing him while I’m with my potential boyfriend.

“Kenny, can you take me home?” I asked after I pulled away.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I don’t feel well. I think I need to take a nap.”

“Oh okay.”

He helped me up and held my hand all the way to his car and we didn’t talk to whole car ride to my house. I felt guilty for imagining someone besides him.

“Today was fun,” I said before getting out.

“You’re fun. And you’re a great kisser.”

“So I’ve been told.”

I leaned over the armrest and kissed him again then I got out of his car and walked as normal as possible to my room and crashed as soon as I hit the bed.

The next morning, I rolled over and when I opened my eyes, John was lying next to me on top of the covers calmly.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked groggily.

“Nothing. I’ve just been sitting here since about 7:15.”

“Wait, what time is it?!” I started to panic and found my Blackberry and saw it was almost 8:30. “Why didn’t you wake me up! We’re late for school!”

“Well I kinda had a hangover and I’m pretty sure you do too, so I was gonna wait till your parents left for work then make us some puree.”

“That sounds nice.” I rolled back over. “Puree in bed?”

“Sure why not. Besides, you need to be well rested for your date tonight.”

“You’re so thoughtful.”

We strolled into school around the time third period started after stopping off at Starbucks for a pick-me-up.

“Where have you been?” Kennedy asked me when I walked into English class five minutes late.

“I overslept.”

“Did you get like twelve hours of sleep or something? I dropped you off at around nine last night.”

“I guess so. I guess I haven’t drank like that in a while.” My teacher heard me and gave me a dirty look. Bitch what are you staring at. Teach your damn class.

--John--

I dreamt about Danny all night. That she was mine, that she actually wanted me. Jared was always messing with me, but after he said that she’d been thinking about our kiss and she said she wanted to do it again sometime, I couldn’t get my mind off of her. Was I looking into this all wrong? Was she giving my signals?

While I was hooking up with this girl Amanda last night, I kept daydreaming that I was kissing Danny instead of her. But when I saw her, she was having the time of her life with Kenny. Why couldn’t things ever go my way…

I suddenly realized Kenny had invited me to go to the movies tonight with them…when I was dating Kim. Oh why not just go.

After school, Jared and Eric were waiting in the bed of my truck then I got in the driver’s seat to wait for Danny. I saw her walking with Kenny, then they kissed and departed. My blood started to boil.

I waited until we were off school property to light up a cigarette. “What is so interesting about these things?” Danny asked, took it out of my mouth and took a drag. “Ugh. I don’t know what you find so pleasurable about this disgusting piece of shit.”

She handed it back to me and I managed a chuckle. “It calms me down.”

“Why are you not calm?”

“It’s kind of a boring story and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine. Damn.”

“I don’t mean to sound like an asshole, I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re talking about it.”

“Right.”

I dropped off Eric and Jared at their homes then I took Danny to the car shop to pick up her car.

“Hey,” she said and pulled me into a hug. “Do you feel like you’re losing me to Kennedy?”

I didn’t answer for a moment, just draped my arms on her shoulders. “Yeah. Like you’re not going to want to spend any time with me anymore.”

“That’s crazy. Don’t worry; I’m always going to make time for you. Remember, nothing’s official yet.” I felt like she was giving me obvious hints. “I love you, Boo.” She kissed my forehead then got into her green Honda.

I love you too.