Dirty Little Secrets

“What are you thinking?” Jared asked me after we got back to the hotel our first day of recording.

“I don’t know.”

“You were kind of out of it today. Is everything okay with Danny?”

I didn’t answer him for a moment. “Not sure. I hope so. This tour coming up is making me lose my mind.”

“How so?”

I shrugged. “It just feels like I should be living a different life.”

“Like without Daisy and Danny?”

“It would just be so much easier. I don’t regret anything, but it just feels like the timing is all off.”

“Anyone can be the lead singer of a band. You don’t even have to be good at singing. It’s who you’re doing it for is what matters.”

“Yeah but I don’t want Daisy to think when she’s older that I didn’t want to be around her or anything...”

“You want her to think that you did it for her.”

“Yeah. But it probably won’t work out that way.”

He was quiet for a minute. “No matter what happens, everything will work out,” he assured me. I wanted to believe him.

--Danny--

I was at John’s house with Daisy. It was slightly awkward being there without him even though I knew his family like my own.

“So what do you think of all this?” Jen asked me one night at dinner.

“About what? I’m sorry.”

“About John being in a band and everything.”

“I think it’s going to be great. Their hearts are in the right places and they all enjoy what they’re doing.”

“You’re okay with him being away from his daughter?”

“Yeah, I mean, she doesn’t really know what’s going on right now anyways and I wouldn’t feel right telling John what he can and can’t do. I think he’s a big boy and can make those decisions for himself.”

“You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, Danny,” Papa John said to me and raised his glass to me. “And for the record, I wouldn’t want anyone besides you to marry my son.”

“Thanks Papa John. I’m glad to hear that I will fit into your family.”

“Hun, you’ve been a part of our family for thirteen years.”

****

I was at Pat’s house with Daisy to welcome the boys back from recording, but something just didn’t feel right.

Like the beginning of a cavalry charge, the door burst open and eight people barged in, John immediately attaching his lips to mine.

“Oh my God, Danny! I missed you so damn much! And Daisy!” He took her out of my arms and twirled her in the air as she giggled and smiled ear to ear seeing her dad again.

“How was it?” I asked over the noise of everybody else.

“It was so much different than when we recorded the last EP because we were in Matt Squire’s studio! He completely kicked our asses and put us in our place but the record is going to kick everybody else’s ass!”

“Are you drunk? What is wrong with you?”

“Nah, baby, I’m not drunk I just had a little bit to drink. We’re supposed to be celebrating!”

I took Daisy out of his arms for fear that he would drop her. I didn’t know this person.

“What’s wrong?” He asked when he walked back over to me half an hour later and I was the antisocial person in the corner of the room.

“Nothing, I just don’t feel comfortable being here right now.”

After talking John into leaving to go back to his house, his family was randomly gone and we put Daisy in her crib and sat on his bed. He’d started to sober up nicely.

“What’s going on, John?”

“With what?”

“Us.”

His mouth tightened up. “What are you talking about, Danny?”

“What’s happening to us?” My voice was barely audible because I was fighting back a few tears.

“Nothing’s happening to us, baby.” He stroked my arm rapidly and matched my teary eyes. “Tell me what to do.”

“That’s the thing, I don’t know. It just feels like something’s terribly wrong.”

He stopped stroking my arm and looked away. “I knew we should have never gotten the band back together. This completely ruined everything.”

“No, no, no!” I made him look at me and kept my hand on his face.

“Then what is it? Why are you feeling this way?”

I swallowed loudly then blinked, a few drops falling out of my eyes. “I don’t think I can handle it.”

“Baby, come on, I know you. You’re stronger than this. Why are you buckling under the pressure?”

“The pressure’s never been this strong. I feel like when you go out on tour, you’re going to fall out of love with me.”

“That can’t happen. I won’t let it.”

“John, you’re going to be seeing all of these beautiful girls and they are going to be cherishing the ground you walk on and -”

“And they’re not you, Danny. I fell in love with you so deeply I can’t get back out.” He pulled me closer to him and kissed me as a final plea. I immediately hugged him as close as I could get to him and sobbed on his shoulder and he on mine. “I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.”

With that day behind us and never spoken about again, we moved on and were able to get closer having gone through it. The summer started out fantastic but as the date inched closer and closer to the day they left for tour, the more insecure I became again. I was never able to put behind me my doubts of what could happen on tour and probably led to the downfall of everything I knew.

Let’s face it, John was a beautiful person and you’d have to be blind to think otherwise. And assuming that 99% of the girls going to their shows had full eye sight, that unnerved me. Don’t get me wrong, I trust that John would never cheat on me, being that I was the only love he’d ever known, but that was just it. He didn’t know anything besides what we had, which was utterly phenomenal, but on the off-chance he met someone whom he developed feelings for, that would completely destroy me. I was a wreck.

Stop worrying. It’s just a tour. Nothing monumental is going to happen besides the boys’ inaugural tour. You’re making a mess out of nothing. My mind would tell me constantly.

“Stop worrying. It’s just a tour. Nothing monumental is going to happen besides it being our inaugural tour. You’re making a mess out of nothing,” John said to me as he began to put things into his suitcase.

“I want to talk to a rock star’s wife to see what they had to go through for their husbands to go on tour.”

“You won’t find one because they’re all divorced now.”

“Oh my God!”

He began laughing then held my arms in his hands. “Relax Danny, it was a joke. Plenty of married couples have gone through this and made it work. Do you really think I would do something stupid to ruin everything we have?”

“No,” I grumbled into his chest.

“There. You can’t let this eat you up. Maybe you should go talk to Megan to see how she’s handling it.”

This whole time I’d never thought to ask the one person so close to me who was going through the same thing I was.

“Or maybe you and Daisy can go with us.”

“Yeah, okay John. Let’s bring our almost eight month old child to loud venues so she can freak out at everything going on around her.”

“Hey, it’s better than Garrett’s idea where he suggested we take Daisy and Aidan with us and sit them on our shoulders while we play.”

It was so Garrett that I had to laugh.

“God, I haven’t seen that smile in such a long time.”

“Well I’m worried sick!”

He sighed and hung his head. “Would it make you feel any better if we made out for a while.”

“Maybe.” I shoved his suitcase on the floor, luckily without anything falling out of it, and pushed him onto his bed.

A few days later, after saying goodbye for a good hour, John was gone. I felt better about the whole thing because I completely trusted him but there were still those doubts in the back of my mind. I went over to my parents’ house with Daisy and let her play with Aidan while Megan and I talked.

“How are you doing?” She asked me.

“I’ve been better. How are you so calm about this?”

“Honestly, I don’t know why you’re freaking out about all of this. It’s not like he’s going to cheat on you or anything. Why are you so worked up?”

“I don’t even know. I guess I have an extreme case of jealousy.”

“Well I think you need to get over that like right now. They could be doing this for a long time and the longer they do, the more girls are going to be attracted to the music and the guys themselves.” She sat there looking at my unchanging face. “Are you that insecure?”

“Yes, Megan. No matter how much somebody tries to convince me that things are going to be okay, I can’t help feeling that they won’t be.”

“Well if we can’t help you, you have to help yourself. What is it going to take for you to stop being so pessimistic?”

I sat there for a moment then looked up at her. “If we’re not together.”