Status: Be right back...
Dirty Little Secrets
Scar Tissue
“I’m sorry, if you’re what?” Megan asked me, disbelieving what she’d just heard.
“You heard me Megan. Don’t make me repeat it.”
“How can you be thinking like this, Danny? That would utterly break John’s heart.”
“And you don’t think it breaks mine?”
“You’re the one that came up with it! I feel like I don’t know who you are anymore.” She began digging through her drawer and pulled out a photo album and tossed it in my lap.
“What is this?” I opened it and discovered Megan had a whole album full of pictures documenting John and I’s relationship, all the way back to kindergarten. “Where did you get all of these?”
“I kind of stole them and made copies and put the originals back.”
“I can’t believe you did all of this.”
“Why not? You know you don’t belong with anyone besides him. You’re 19 and you have a beautiful daughter together and it’s just not supposed to end!”
“But I’m not happy.”
It was the first time I was telling the truth to myself; letting myself actually know the truth rather. I love John with every inch of my being but being the girl stuck at home raising a child on her own while the boy was away for who knew how long wasn’t me. Then what was I going to be? The girl stuck at home raising a child on her own with no boy at all?
“Why aren’t you happy?”
“Because I’m sitting here thinking everyday that when he comes back he’s not going to be John anymore.”
“You’re being stupid,” she said and curled up with her pillow. It seemed as though she was just as upset as I was.
I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. Either decision I would make would ultimately make me unhappy.
-July 21, 2008-
John had been on tour for a couple of weeks now and we talked every moment we could, which was daily but not for very long. But tonight, even though I previously mentioned that I was going to stay in with Daisy, I was going to the show in Tempe.
I stood at the back of the crowd while I waited for the lights to dim and they all walked out on stage. They’d come a long way from those bar shows that they played and John was a sight on stage.
“Um, this is something I’ve been doing every night... And I’d just like to dedicate this song to someone very close to me and even though she’s not here tonight, this song is still for you,” John said nervously into the microphone. He was so adorable when he was nervous.
“There was a new girl in town
She had it all figured out
I’ll state something rash
She had the most amazing... Smile
I bet you didn’t expect that
She made me change my ways
With eyes like sunsets baby
And legs that went on for days
I’m falling in love
But it’s falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into, into your arms”
Call me conceited, but I couldn’t help but to think that song had something to do with me.
After the show, I went outside to find John but it was impossible. As expected, John was the one with the most girls around him. I wanted to hit them all. Regardless, I stood in his mob and waited my turn. It felt rather odd. I listened to these girls’ lame stories and sad attempts to get him to hang out with them until he spotted me and everything else around him just didn’t seem to matter. Everyone parted as he made his way to me and pressed his lips against mine.
“I thought you said you weren’t coming,” he said breathily as cameras flashed all around us. I felt like I was Paris Hilton or something.
“I wanted to see what I was missing.”
He kissed me again before enclosing his arms tightly around me.
“We’ll see you at home,” I said and kissed his cheek.
Honestly, my whole expectation for how he was going to act was blown out of the water. I knew I was just being a stupid idiot. John wouldn’t just change the person he is. He was still the same John I knew. And I finally realized that.
A few hours later, John and Jared came through the front door and John picked up Daisy from my arms.
“How did she grow so much in the two and a half weeks I haven’t seen her?”
“Sorry, I’ll try to stunt her growth more,” I said and laughed.
Jared was just staring away at us. “You know it’s funny...” He started. “I remember three years ago and we were all at Danny’s house enjoying our summer before senior year. Eric and I had no idea that you guys even liked each other, and here we are. You guys are parents.”
“God, was that really three years ago? Feels like ten.”
“That really was three years ago...” John said quietly, reminiscing. “We weren’t even dating then.”
Jared walked into the kitchen with Daisy in his arms leaving John and I in the living room.
“Did we move too fast?” I asked.
“I don’t think so. I don’t think anything has happened that we haven’t been able to handle.”
“No, I don’t either. It just feels like these past three years have flown by.”
“Time flies when you’re having fun,” he sang.
“For the record, I’m so glad I experienced everything with you.”
“Right back at ya, Babe.”
****
During the rest of the tour, I was oddly content with my life. With this new-found realization that John would always be the same John, I was much more at ease. I was happy again.
They got back in town during the middle of the night and he climbed in bed next to me, holding me as closely as he could. “I missed you,” I said drowsily.
“I missed you too. Now go back to sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Okay.”
I woke up with a smile on my face and just put my entire body on top of his.
“What are you doing?” He said with a smile as he stirred out of his sleep.
“I missed you! I just want to be close to you!”
He chuckled. “Maybe later, Danny.”
I got off of him and sat there disappointed. He’s never refused me before. I felt unwantable. And I was being totally irrational. He got in during the middle of the night and he was probably exhausted.
That afternoon, John stumbled his way into the kitchen where Daisy and I were eating lunch. “Hey babe, make me a sandwich.” I just stared at him. “What?”
“Make you a sandwich? Really?”
“Women are supposed to make the men a sandwich!”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, and you can make your own damn sandwich.”
“Whatever,” he mumbled under his breath as he walked past me to the refrigerator. He sat down across from me at the table with his thick sandwich and started mumbling again. “Plenty of...willing to...make me a sandwich.”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
He didn’t answer me for a minute. “I said there are plenty of girls that are willing to make me a sandwich.”
“Oh really? Well maybe you should go be with them.”
“Maybe I should!”
I sat there for a minute unmoving and couldn’t believe that he agreed with what I said. “Okay then.” I stood up and he got up after me.
“I didn’t mean it, Dan.”
I locked myself in his room and got my suitcase out of his closet. He was at the door knocking and trying to turn the doorknob. I began taking my clothes out of the dresser and closet and throwing them into the suitcase.
“Babe, open the door, I didn’t mean it.”
Annoyed that he was announcing our problems all throughout the house, I opened the door and he saw my suitcase on the bed.
“But you said it, John. That means you must have felt it somewhere inside of you. I knew you didn’t want to be tied down with us. So I’m going to make it easy on you and leave.”
“Danny... Why...”
“John do me a favor and make yourself happy. Go make music.”
I threw in Daisy’s things as well, walked past him and went to pick her up out of her high chair in the kitchen.
“Danielle, where are you going?” Jen asked me.
“I’m going home, Jen. I don’t want to be a burden to you or your family anymore.”
I left the O’Callaghan residence, put everything in my car, and drove the mile down the street to my family’s house. And for the first time in a long time, I felt as though I could breathe again. I felt comfortable. I was happy.
“You heard me Megan. Don’t make me repeat it.”
“How can you be thinking like this, Danny? That would utterly break John’s heart.”
“And you don’t think it breaks mine?”
“You’re the one that came up with it! I feel like I don’t know who you are anymore.” She began digging through her drawer and pulled out a photo album and tossed it in my lap.
“What is this?” I opened it and discovered Megan had a whole album full of pictures documenting John and I’s relationship, all the way back to kindergarten. “Where did you get all of these?”
“I kind of stole them and made copies and put the originals back.”
“I can’t believe you did all of this.”
“Why not? You know you don’t belong with anyone besides him. You’re 19 and you have a beautiful daughter together and it’s just not supposed to end!”
“But I’m not happy.”
It was the first time I was telling the truth to myself; letting myself actually know the truth rather. I love John with every inch of my being but being the girl stuck at home raising a child on her own while the boy was away for who knew how long wasn’t me. Then what was I going to be? The girl stuck at home raising a child on her own with no boy at all?
“Why aren’t you happy?”
“Because I’m sitting here thinking everyday that when he comes back he’s not going to be John anymore.”
“You’re being stupid,” she said and curled up with her pillow. It seemed as though she was just as upset as I was.
I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do. Either decision I would make would ultimately make me unhappy.
-July 21, 2008-
John had been on tour for a couple of weeks now and we talked every moment we could, which was daily but not for very long. But tonight, even though I previously mentioned that I was going to stay in with Daisy, I was going to the show in Tempe.
I stood at the back of the crowd while I waited for the lights to dim and they all walked out on stage. They’d come a long way from those bar shows that they played and John was a sight on stage.
“Um, this is something I’ve been doing every night... And I’d just like to dedicate this song to someone very close to me and even though she’s not here tonight, this song is still for you,” John said nervously into the microphone. He was so adorable when he was nervous.
“There was a new girl in town
She had it all figured out
I’ll state something rash
She had the most amazing... Smile
I bet you didn’t expect that
She made me change my ways
With eyes like sunsets baby
And legs that went on for days
I’m falling in love
But it’s falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into, into your arms”
Call me conceited, but I couldn’t help but to think that song had something to do with me.
After the show, I went outside to find John but it was impossible. As expected, John was the one with the most girls around him. I wanted to hit them all. Regardless, I stood in his mob and waited my turn. It felt rather odd. I listened to these girls’ lame stories and sad attempts to get him to hang out with them until he spotted me and everything else around him just didn’t seem to matter. Everyone parted as he made his way to me and pressed his lips against mine.
“I thought you said you weren’t coming,” he said breathily as cameras flashed all around us. I felt like I was Paris Hilton or something.
“I wanted to see what I was missing.”
He kissed me again before enclosing his arms tightly around me.
“We’ll see you at home,” I said and kissed his cheek.
Honestly, my whole expectation for how he was going to act was blown out of the water. I knew I was just being a stupid idiot. John wouldn’t just change the person he is. He was still the same John I knew. And I finally realized that.
A few hours later, John and Jared came through the front door and John picked up Daisy from my arms.
“How did she grow so much in the two and a half weeks I haven’t seen her?”
“Sorry, I’ll try to stunt her growth more,” I said and laughed.
Jared was just staring away at us. “You know it’s funny...” He started. “I remember three years ago and we were all at Danny’s house enjoying our summer before senior year. Eric and I had no idea that you guys even liked each other, and here we are. You guys are parents.”
“God, was that really three years ago? Feels like ten.”
“That really was three years ago...” John said quietly, reminiscing. “We weren’t even dating then.”
Jared walked into the kitchen with Daisy in his arms leaving John and I in the living room.
“Did we move too fast?” I asked.
“I don’t think so. I don’t think anything has happened that we haven’t been able to handle.”
“No, I don’t either. It just feels like these past three years have flown by.”
“Time flies when you’re having fun,” he sang.
“For the record, I’m so glad I experienced everything with you.”
“Right back at ya, Babe.”
****
During the rest of the tour, I was oddly content with my life. With this new-found realization that John would always be the same John, I was much more at ease. I was happy again.
They got back in town during the middle of the night and he climbed in bed next to me, holding me as closely as he could. “I missed you,” I said drowsily.
“I missed you too. Now go back to sleep, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Okay.”
I woke up with a smile on my face and just put my entire body on top of his.
“What are you doing?” He said with a smile as he stirred out of his sleep.
“I missed you! I just want to be close to you!”
He chuckled. “Maybe later, Danny.”
I got off of him and sat there disappointed. He’s never refused me before. I felt unwantable. And I was being totally irrational. He got in during the middle of the night and he was probably exhausted.
That afternoon, John stumbled his way into the kitchen where Daisy and I were eating lunch. “Hey babe, make me a sandwich.” I just stared at him. “What?”
“Make you a sandwich? Really?”
“Women are supposed to make the men a sandwich!”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, and you can make your own damn sandwich.”
“Whatever,” he mumbled under his breath as he walked past me to the refrigerator. He sat down across from me at the table with his thick sandwich and started mumbling again. “Plenty of...willing to...make me a sandwich.”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
He didn’t answer me for a minute. “I said there are plenty of girls that are willing to make me a sandwich.”
“Oh really? Well maybe you should go be with them.”
“Maybe I should!”
I sat there for a minute unmoving and couldn’t believe that he agreed with what I said. “Okay then.” I stood up and he got up after me.
“I didn’t mean it, Dan.”
I locked myself in his room and got my suitcase out of his closet. He was at the door knocking and trying to turn the doorknob. I began taking my clothes out of the dresser and closet and throwing them into the suitcase.
“Babe, open the door, I didn’t mean it.”
Annoyed that he was announcing our problems all throughout the house, I opened the door and he saw my suitcase on the bed.
“But you said it, John. That means you must have felt it somewhere inside of you. I knew you didn’t want to be tied down with us. So I’m going to make it easy on you and leave.”
“Danny... Why...”
“John do me a favor and make yourself happy. Go make music.”
I threw in Daisy’s things as well, walked past him and went to pick her up out of her high chair in the kitchen.
“Danielle, where are you going?” Jen asked me.
“I’m going home, Jen. I don’t want to be a burden to you or your family anymore.”
I left the O’Callaghan residence, put everything in my car, and drove the mile down the street to my family’s house. And for the first time in a long time, I felt as though I could breathe again. I felt comfortable. I was happy.