Dirty Little Secrets

“I’m so nervous,” Joel said 10 minutes into Austin Gibbs’ set. “But I’m excited.” He rubbed his hands anxiously together then wiped them on his black skinny jeans. “My palms are sweaty.”

“Don’t worry, everyone is going to love you,” I assured him as I handed him a bottle of water.

“Are you going to get jealous?” He smiled crookedly and strutted towards me.

“Joel, you’re hot.” He seemed surprised by my statement. “It’s a known fact and I can’t keep all these girls from being infatuated with you. As long as your eyes are on me, I will be fine.”

“My eyes are glued to you, baby.” He kissed me quickly but once he pulled away, he gave me several more kisses until he backed me against a wall and ran his hands along my back.

“Joel, keep your head clear,” Ryan shouted from across the dressing room. “Danny, you are too darn distracting,” he shot me a disapproving but joking look then I gave Joel one final kiss.

“Alright, I’ll get out of here,” I said and walked towards the door. “Ryan, we’re all counting on you,” I said as I exited the room.

“Thanks, no pressure!” I heard right before the door shut.

I laughed to myself then took a step forward and ran into a bare chest. “Oomf... Sorry,” I gasped then saw the ‘V’ tattoo. My eyes trailed up his body until I was looking into his eyes.

“No, it’s fine, Friend.”

I frowned at him. “Are you going to be this weird the whole tour?”

“Weird? How am I weird?”

“Well first off, you’re shirtless and you’re belt isn’t even done. And it’s weird when you call me ‘Friend.’”

“Isn’t that what you wanted? To be friends?” He asked while buckling his belt, humoring me.

I folded my arms on my chest. “Are you mocking me?”

“No... What would I be mocking you about? You’re perfect.”

I rolled my eyes and walked away from him. “You frustrate the dickens out of me. I don’t even want to deal with you right now.”

“Love you, too,” he said sarcastically.

I knew not to take anything he said seriously when he’d been drinking. So instead of blowing up at him, I decided just to let it blow over.

This Century’s set came up quickly and I gave Joel a good luck kiss before he stepped on stage. I planned on watching them from side stage but Jared had other plans for me. He took me to the dressing room I was in earlier and Austin Gibbs and his band were the only ones in there, winding down with alcohol.

“What’s up?” I asked and straightened up my shirt before I sat down next to him.

“Why are you here?” He asked bluntly.

“What? Why does no one want me here?”

“It’s John, he... You’re driving him crazy.”

I looked at him like I didn’t understand. “Do you honestly think I came on tour with you guys to rub my relationship with Joel in his face?”

“I don’t. John does.”

I looked appalled. “Did he tell you that?”

“He didn’t have to. I mean, you should know. You’ve known him longer than anyone else to know when he’s acting out of the norm.”

“I don’t know him like that anymore. He’s different... We’re different people now. I don’t know anything about him.”

“Who are you trying to convince?” He asked. “Me? Or you?” I just sat there for a moment to take in what he was saying. “Look, I know you didn’t have the intention of killing John slowly just by you being here, but you kind of are.”

“So you’re telling me he still likes me?”

“I didn’t say that. When he sees you he remembers what you two used to be, and now that he sees you replacing him with someone else, a guy who looks scarily like him by the way, it’s just making him freak out.”

“So what you’re telling me is that I have to leave.” It wasn’t a question.

He shook his head. “Just... Just make your relationship a little less obvious. For everyone’s sake. Not just John’s.”

A knock came at the door frame and Pat stood there, looking at the two of us. “Twenty minutes, Jared.”

Jared nodded and Pat walked away. He stood up and scraped his foot on the ground. “Thanks for talking to me, Jared.”

“Yeah.” He gave me a small smile and walked out of the room.

As I sat there thinking about what Jared told me, Joel walked in with the rest of the band and he began kissing me. “That was so cool! I think everyone loved us! Why didn’t you watch us?”

“Huh? Oh, I was talking to Jared.” Joel kissed me again. “He talked to me about us,” I said and gently pushed him away. “And how we make things uncomfortable when we have PDA.”

“Oh. That’s understandable.” He pulled me off the couch and took me behind the venue where the tour bus and vans were parked. “Well no one’s around to make things uncomfortable for...” he said slyly then pushed me against the wall and started making out with me.

He picked me up off the ground and I wrapped my legs around him as his hands found their way inside my shirt. I gripped my fingers in his tangled hair and as one of his hands held my butt and the other played around the area of my bra latch, the door we came out of swung open.

“John, two minutes, let’s go!” Moose yelled then his eyes fixed on Joel and I as my bra popped loose. He just turned and walked back into the venue.

I slowly put my feet back on the ground then started latching my bra back together and I saw John walking out of the shadow of the bus with a cloud of smoke following him.

“Well don’t stop on a count of me, I was just leaving,” he said then flicked his cigarette away from him then slid inside the doorway.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be here,” I said and fixed Joel’s hair.

His expression looked pained. “Why?”

“We can’t keep our hands off of each other.”

“And? Is that a bad thing?”

“It is if we’re that annoying couple. Look, it would be a lot easier if I wasn’t here.” He looked sad as he faced the ground but I got extremely close to his face. “Plus, think about the fun we’ll have when you come back home.” I winked at him and lightly brushed my lips against his then walked away.

****

I watched Joel from inside the van as he met fan after fan and took pictures with skinny, blonde 14 year old girls. My eyes trailed over to a crowd that was bigger than Joel’s and I found myself staring away at the man who stood a foot taller than everyone around him. I admit when I looked at him it reminded me of what we used to be and how at one point I wanted to get back together with him. But why? We couldn’t even hold a simple conversation with each other without lashing out. Because you love him, Danny. No, I don’t. At least not anymore. He wasn’t John, my best friend of thirteen years, the one who I knew every inch of, inside and out. He was John, a man who was extremely handsome, a man I knew nothing about, who just so happened to be my baby’s daddy.

I fixed my eyes back on Joel and his genuine smile and interest in what these girls had to say. I shut my eyes briefly until my phone started ringing.

“Hi, Mom,” I said reluctantly.

“Hi, Sweetie. I hate to bother you, but I thought I’d let you know that Daisy is sick. She’s running a fever and keeps coughing and I was just about to take her to the doctor.”

“The doctor? It’s like midnight there...”

“Yes, Danielle, I am well aware of the time. And I obviously care more than you do about your daughter.”

“Don’t you dare. You know I care about her. I just think taking her to the ER is a little overboard. I think some children’s Tylenol will work just fine until the morning then you can take her to her pediatrician.”

I closed my eyes after I’d argued with my mom and gotten off the phone with her. My brow was furrowed and I could feel a stress headache coming on. I opened my eyes once more and pulled up Priceline on my phone.

-John-

I was woken up the next afternoon by Jared shaking me gently.

“Dude, what?” I said groggily as I ran my hand over my face and through my hair. The blood started to rush to my head as I remembered the alcohol I’d consumed the day before.

He didn’t say anything for a moment, but when my vision cleared I could see Pat and Garrett looking at me as well. “We were starting to get worried...” He began. “I think you need to talk to Danny.”

“What? Why do I need to talk to her?”

“Well... You’ve been calling her name out for the past two hours. Maybe you have something to say to her?”

“I don’t have anything to say to her.” I rolled over in my bunk and tried to close the curtain behind me.

“I think you do.”

I did want to talk to her, but I couldn’t without her getting angry at me. It was better to be left unsaid than to ruin everything.

Regardless, I walked over to This Century’s van and they were lounging around inside with the doors open. Joel was outside of the van, looking at his phone.

“Hey, um, Joel?” I asked cautiously. I wanted so badly to not like him, but he was too nice of a guy.

“Oh John! Hey, what’s up?”

“Do you... Do you know where Danny is? I kind of need to talk to her.”

His face dropped. “Is this about Daisy?”

I looked at him, confused. “Daisy? Is there something wrong?”

“Well, I figured she would have told you. Danny flew home last night because Daisy’s sick. I’m sorry you’re hearing this from me.”

“Oh, you’re fine...” I said absently and walked away from Joel.

I found myself walking a ways down the street and a few girls stopped me and wanted a picture and an autograph. “Thanks, John. I love you!” One of the girls said as I gave her a smile.

“Alright, I’ll see you guys at the show?”

“Yeah, definitely!”

“Okay, cool! Come hang after the show!”

I felt my life becoming redundant. The girls I met every night started to look the same. The stories they told me had the same plot. Don’t get me wrong, I loved meeting everyone that I could and just doing what I do every night, but something was missing. And that something was named Danny.

I took out my phone and dialed her number but she didn’t pick up.

“Please leave your message after the beep,” the voicemail lady said.

“Hey Danny, it’s John. I just wanted to tell you that I think it’s a mistake for you and Joel to be together. I’m sorry for when I acted like a hot shot asshole to make you break up with me. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to upset you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still in love with you.”

“To rerecord your message, press 1. To end the call, press star.”

I pushed the button.

“Hey Danny, it’s John. I heard about Daisy, call me back when you get this.”