Dirty Little Secrets

“I...missed you,” Joel said dramatically as he set his bag down in the living room and embraced me in a hug.

“Jool!” He let go of me and scooped Daisy up from the couch and held her up in the air.

“And I missed you, you little toot!” He kissed her cheek and I folded my arms together.

“That’s not fair, she gets a kiss before I do.”

“Aw baby,” he said and walked over to me.

“No, it’s too late,” I said and tried to shove his face away but I ended up letting him win because let’s be honest, who wouldn’t.

The three of us sat on the couch, Joel with his arm around me and Daisy in his lap.

“So how was tour? Was it bitchin’?” I asked him with a smirk.

“Oh, it was very bitchin’. On the last night, I went on stage with The Maine with my shirt off and John’s tattoos written on me in Sharpie.”

“Did he not put a shirt on the whole tour?!”

“No,” he laughed. “He was drunk 96% of the time too.”

“What a tool. Well, was he at least nice to you?” I could care less about what John did with his time. But if his time was spent picking on my Joel, he’d have another thing coming.

“Yeah, he was great. After you left, he didn’t really talk to me but after that he was really friendly.”

“I’m glad to hear that because I really didn’t want to beat him up today.”

Joel smiled and kissed me again.

“Do you want to move in with us?” I asked cooly.

“You want me to live with you guys?”

“Yeah. I mean, you’re already here all the time. Unless you don’t want to.”

“Why do you always do that?” I asked me with sultry eyes.

“Do what?”

“You need to be more assertive. None of this politely asking with a disclaimer: ‘unless you don’t want to.’ Be like, ‘Bitch! Move in with me! No is not an option!’”

I began laughing and I put my head against his arm, then I looked up at him. “Move in with me... I’m not taking no for an answer.”

He looked at me like he just squashed a bug with his shoe. “That’s...better. We’ll work on it.” He paused and looked down at me adoringly, stroking my hair. “And I’d have to be crazy to not want to live with you. Even though you are a little crazy...”

I shoved him lightly. “Shut up.”

He looked at Daisy in his lap and turned her to where she would be looking at us. “Do you want me to live with you, Daisy?”

“I thought you already did,” she said slowly.

I giggled and so did Joel. “Well, there you have it. You have Daisy’s blessing. Now you have no choice but to move in.”

-December 31, 2010-

“I can’t believe I’ve only known you for a year,” I said as Joel nestled my hand in his, trying to warm it up. “Seems longer than that.”

“You’re gorgeous, did you know that?” He asked me and we sat down on a bench in the park we were walking around.

“How could I not know? You tell me every day.”

“Well you need to be told.” He was quiet for a moment. “I just want to say that I am extremely honored that you’ve let me meet your family this past year and let me be a part of Daisy’s third birthday.”

I looked at him strangely. “Let you? You’re making yourself seem like a dog or something.”

“I’m just grateful that you’ve considered me worthy of that.”

I smiled at him and pulled his face closer to mine. “I love you.”

He scooted himself off the bench and onto the ground and propped himself up on one knee and took a box out of his jacket. He opened the box and presented it to me. “I love you, Danny. Will you marry me?”

I hid my shocked expression behind my hand, then a huge smile spread across my face. “Joel...are you serious?!” I was almost jumping for joy in my seat then I pulled him back up to me and gave him a huge hug. “Of course I will marry you!” He sealed the proposal with a kiss then slipped the ring onto my finger. “It’s so beautiful. Oh my gosh, I’m getting married!” I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and Joel just held my as close as he could to him.

Later that night, we drove to my parents’ house to watch the ball drop and as soon as we walked in, everyone screamed ‘Congratulations’.

“How did...?”

“Well I had to ask your parents permission before I asked you to marry me,” Joel said quietly in my ear as Megan and Ethan squeezed me tightly. I couldn’t believe my siblings were 20 and 16 already. And that I was 22.

“I can’t believe you’re the second to have a baby, but the first to get engaged,” Megan said then shot Garrett a glaring look. He pretended like he didn’t hear her.

My dad called Joel into the kitchen to have a chat with him and my mom did the same with me. “So, what do you think, Mom?”

“You know, for the longest time I thought you were going to marry John.” I rolled my eyes at her and contemplated getting up and walking out. “I mean, you were engaged to him for two years and had a child together, I’d hope that you would have gotten married to him...”

“Mom.”

“Oh, right. But I like Joel a lot and if this is what you want to do, then by all means do it.”

Not exactly the words of encouragement I was looking for from her, but for her I guess it was the best I was going to get. I don’t know why I expected more from her.

“Thanks, Mom. You always know what to say.”

--John--

It was February now and I was over at Danny’s apartment to pick up Daisy.

“Daddy!” She exclaimed and ran through the living room and I tossed her in the air.

“Where’s Joel?” I asked as I situated Daisy on my arm.

“He’s over at Alex’s house. They’re practicing. I just made some pizza; do you want some before you leave?”

“Uh...yeah, why not.”

I set Daisy on a chair in the kitchen and Danny was cutting the pizza and putting it on three different plates. “How have you been lately?” She asked casually.

“Eh, not so great. A little discouraged, I guess.”

“Why’s that?” She set the plates down in front of us then took a seat across from me.

“Well, we started recording recently and we played what we had for the guys at the record company...and they didn’t really go for it.”

“Are you serious? Are they deaf?”

I stifled a laugh and looked in her eyes. Her compassion made it feel like old times. Suddenly, she scratched the top of her head and rested her hand on the table. And on her finger - the finger where my ring once occupied - a shiny diamond ring was now there.

“I, uh, I gotta go,” I said quickly and scooted myself out from the table.

“You haven’t touched the pizza...”

“When were you going to tell me you were engaged?” I blurted.

“Why does it matter?”

“Don’t you think I’d want to know?”

“...No.” She looked at me very seriously. “Are you... Are you mad?”

I took a minute to respond. “No, I’m not mad. I’m upset that you didn’t think it was important enough to tell me.”

“Look, John. I understand that we were once engaged. I understand that you and I knew everything about each other. But that was almost three years ago. Three years. I don’t know who you are anymore and you don’t know who I am. We’re different people. I was under the impression that you didn’t give a single fuck what was happening in my love life, and that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“Do you think...that if I’d never said what I said, we’d still be together?”

“Yes,” she said quickly and honestly. “I mean, maybe, I don’t know.”

“Then-”

“No, John,” she said sternly. “We’re not getting back together. I am in love with Joel. I am getting married to Joel.” She was speaking slowly so I would take in everything she was saying. “If I wasn’t, then maybe we could give it another shot. But I am. And I’m sorry but that’s the way it is.” She walked out of the room and returned with Daisy’s things. “Don’t forget this on your way out.”

--Danny--

I woke up the morning of August 25th, 2012 particularly excited. Maybe because it was my wedding day. I looked next to me in bed and of course my betrothed wasn’t there. This thing about don’t see the bride before the wedding... Whatever. Darcy and Megan came in my bedroom promptly at 9:30 to make sure I was up and brought me my breakfast in bed. When they came in, my Boston Terrier Screech, aptly named from my favorite character in Saved By The Bell, came in as well and ran around my bed and began licking my face.

“Are you excited?” Darcy asked me as she sat at the end of the bed. I smiled as I nodded, since I was mid-bite of my muffin. “I still think you should have married Carlos.”

“Oh my gosh. You’re still on this?"

"He has a kid now.”

“What’s wrong with having a kid?” Megan said, then smiled knowing that she’d tripped Darcy with her words.

Just then, five year old Aidan walked in the room and he looked more like his dad every day. He was pretty damn adorable. I still couldn’t believe he was born just five years ago. Shit’s crazy.

“Hey, I didn’t come all the way to Arizona to be ridiculed,” Darcy said and moved over so Aidan would have somewhere to sit.

Joel and I moved out of our apartment in Ahwautukee and into a spacious two bedroom house south of Scottsdale, closer to his family.

By three o’clock, my hair and make up were done and as they laced my dress up, a tear fell out of my eye.

“Sweetheart, you look so beautiful,” my mother said after I’d turned around. “He is going to love you in this dress.”

“He loves me anyway. Regardless of how good I look. But damn, do I look good.”

Darcy and Megan began laughing then the door opened and Daisy walked in. “Mama, you look so beautiful!” She said excitedly and ran over to me and I picked her up.

“Oh my goodness, girl! You’re almost getting too big for me to hold you!”

Daisy was four. Five in December.

A knock came at the door and my mother let in Jared and Eric, who were already dressed for the ceremony in an hour.

“Oh my gosh, Danny,” Eric started and just stared at me. He looked like he was going to say something, but Jared finished for him.

“We’re happy for you.” He didn’t seem like he meant it but I took it anyways and gave them both hugs.

“I love you guys. You’ve always been there. Through it all.”

“Yeah and we’re going to be there still. You’re our best friend, don’t forget that,” Eric said solemnly.

I smiled and wiped away a tear. “Okay, you two. Get out of here. You’re making my mascara run.”

“She’s got mascara on, Jared. She must really like him.” We all shared a laugh and they left.

“Are you ready?” My mom asked me and handed me my bouquet. “It’s not too late to back out.”

“Mom,” I groaned. “Really? I’m 24. Pretty sure I’m making the right decision.”

“I sure damn hope so.”

We loaded my mom’s suburban and Megan drove all six of us to the Phoenician, a country club near Echo Canyon Park. Seeing all of the chairs set up outside and the altar really set reality in for me. I was getting married today.

“Mommy’s marrying Daddy today,” I said to Daisy then she scowled her face.

“Not Daddy.”

“He’ll be Daddy today. Are you okay with that?”

“I guess so.”

I looked out the window and I saw John. He looked upset. I’m surprised he even showed up. He took his seat next to Jared and sat there with his head in his hands. Why would he be acting this way on my wedding day?

Then it hit me like a brick wall. He was still in love with me.