Dirty Little Secrets

Joel ended up coming back to live with Daisy and I after tour. But I needed to gain his trust back before we could have one hint of normalcy. It was now March and I’d been waiting on Joel hand and foot since he decided to give me another chance.

“Good morning, I made your favorite for breakfast,” I said and set his plate in front of him as I kissed his cheek.

“Listen, Danny, I understand what you’re trying to do, but please... stop.”

“W-what?”

“Stop tending to my every need. You’re not going to gain my trust by doing things you feel obligated to; you should be genuine. It feels like you’re trying too hard and it’s actually making me uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry. What should I do to make up for it?”

He rolled his eyes and stood up from the table. “I think you’re missing the point. Daisy, come on! You’re going to be late for school!”

I stood there with my arms crossed thinking about what he’d said. Be genuine. He was right. I wasn’t acting like myself. I turned into some slave of a housewife, and that’s not what he wanted at all. He didn’t come back to a servant; he came back to me.

“Joel... Why did you decide to give me a second chance?” I asked when he came back from dropping Daisy off at school.

He sat on the couch next to me. “I’m not sure.”

“Did you even want to?”

“Of course I did. I mean, you broke my heart but I still love you... And I’m not going out without a fight.”

“You’re fighting for me?”

“Absolutely. You and Daisy mean everything to me.”

I smiled and he motioned for me to come closer so he could give me a kiss.

****

His fight for me was short-lived. We were arguing almost all day long. About stupid things, too. He would yell at me for spending money on an expensive lunch with Megan but turn around and buy a $3,000 microphone.

He was just so insecure now. I ruined him. He thinks it was something of his doing that made me cheat. He’s so scared that I’ll do it again, but nothing repulsed me more than the thought of that.

John never apologized to Joel for what happened, even though they were the ones in contact with each other for when he had to pick up and drop off Daisy. I didn’t want to see him. I never apologized to John either but... A lot of things were left unsaid.

“Spaghetti? Again?” Joel asked, disgusted when he walked into the kitchen.

I rolled my eyes. “We haven’t had it for two weeks.” I fixed him a plate and sat across from him. “So we’re just going to sit here and eat a quiet dinner?”

“I don’t see the point in talking. It’ll just turn into an argument.”

“Well you’re the one who came in here and started to pick a fight over the god damn dinner.”

“Oh, so everything’s my fault.” He stabbed angrily at the meatballs.

“Yes, those are the exact words that came out of my mouth.”

“Don’t be a smart ass.”

He fumed across from me and I stayed silent for a few minutes.

“Is this it, then? Because I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life fighting with you every day.”

“I don’t want to fight with you... I just want to go back to before this all happened. Before we got married. I miss that Danny.”

“I hate to say it but she’s gone.”

“That’s what I was afraid of. That’s what I’ve been holding on for. And if she’s not around, there’s no reason I should be either.”

I poured myself a glass of wine while Joel was in the other room packing his things. I was 26 and my husband was leaving me.

He paused in the doorway of the kitchen and his liquid green eyes I once knew to be filled with love and passion were now fallen and lifeless.

“I’m sure you’ve got somewhere to stay?”

“Yeah, um, my brother Mark is letting me stay with him. I’m sorry this couldn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry for-”

“Don’t be. You didn’t really want to be married in the first place. Well, to me at least.”

Then he left and I finished my bottle of wine on the couch. I woke up the next day around noon to the sound of knocking on the door. I didn’t bother to get up to see who it was; I didn’t care.

“Joel? Danny? Are you home?” John said then turned the doorknob. “Oh, it’s open.”

“Mommy? Jool?” Daisy called and I sat up from the couch.

“Oh shit, you scared me. I didn’t think you guys were home. Your uh... Your door was open.”

It was weird seeing him for the first time after it happened. To think I risked my marriage for someone and now I had no feelings for him was odd to me.

Daisy ran around to me and gave me a hug and I kissed her cheek, then she ran back to her room.

“You okay?”

I faced away from him. “What do you care?”

“Been doing some drinking, have you?”

“Would you please just leave? I don’t want to see anyone right now.”

He was quiet but then sat next to me. “Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“You’re not my therapist, John. Frankly, I don’t know why you care if there is anything wrong with me.”

“Because as hard as it is for you to believe, people actually care about other people.”

“But why do you?”

He looked around the room. “Where’s Joel? He wasn’t answering his phone this morning.”

I crossed my arms and looked at the TV that was off.

“Oh. I... I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“Didn’t you?”

“Hey, don’t bring this on me. You wanted it as much as I did.”

“I know, and that’s why I’m so angry. And instead of being angry at myself, I’ve decided to take it out on you.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem very fair.” I just shrugged and he shifted in his seat, like he was about to get up. “I don’t think this is the best time, but I wanted you to hear this from me before you heard it from anyone else.” I acknowledged him by looking at him, my arms still crossed. “Sophie and I are getting married. And I’m inviting you to the wedding.”

I gave him a half smile as he waited for me to say something. “Congratulations. After everything I put you through, you deserve to be happy.”

“So do you...”

“I used to be.”

He stood there for a minute, searching my face. “I really am sorry that Joel is gone. It was my fault; I kissed you first... I’m sorry you couldn’t work things out.”

“I just loved him so much. I can’t believe I let other feelings get in the way. And for the record, you were right; Joel would have left me anyway, regardless if anything happened between you and I.”

“I didn’t mean anything I said to you that night. I wasn’t angry with you, I can promise you that.”

“I think we’ve both said things we didn’t mean...” That I was happier without you. “And some things-”

“-That were left unsaid,” he finished. We stared at each other for a minute until he cleared his throat and shuffled his feet. “So, will you be okay here by yourself with Daisy? Do you want me to call Megan? Because I really got to be going. Sophie is wa-”

“I’m fine, Daisy’s the only company I need.”

“Okay. I’ll see you around.” His words sounded more like a promise than just a casual departure message.

I got up to dispose of the bottle of wine only to make myself a cocktail.

“Mommy?” I heard behind me. “Where’s Jool?”

I motioned for her to follow me into the living room and explained to her that he wasn’t going to be living with us anymore and she took it rather well.

“Is Daddy going to move in now?”

“No, he’s going to live with Sophie. She and your dad are getting married.”

Daisy frowned and crossed her arms.

“I don’t want him to marry her.”

“Why’s that, Sweetie? Is she mean to you?”

“No. I don’t want him to marry someone besides you, Mommy.”

I was stupid to put Daisy through all of this. I was stupid to think that I’d be happy with Joel. Sure he was a nice guy and he was very good to the both of us, but he wasn’t John. But it was too late. That ship sailed and is docking in Sophie’s harbor.

****

Months passed and today was the day the divorce was finalized. I was sitting on the front porch drinking a beer waiting for John to bring Daisy by. I was drinking a lot lately. Soon enough, they arrived and Daisy stormed past me angrily without saying a word and I looked at John for an explanation.

He looked exasperated. “She really does not want me to get married.” He sat down next to me and took one of the beers out of the six pack I had lying next to me. “She was begging me not to marry her. Did she take it this hard when you were marrying Joel?”

I shook my head. “She was too young to really know what being married means. And now she doesn’t want what happened to Joel and I to happen to you and Sophie.”

“She also said that since you’re single, she wants me to be single too. That, or marry you.”

“She told me the same thing.” I didn’t look at him, just took another sip of beer.

“Kid’s got imagination, doesn’t she?”

It doesn’t have to be imagination... “When are you...getting married?” I asked.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” He reached in his pocket and gave me a semi-wrinkled wedding invitation. “Sorry it’s all janky. Sophie wanted to make sure you got one.”

“How...kind of her.” I looked down at it and saw April 18, 2015 as the date. “Wow, six months. Are you ready for it?”

“I am. I’m 26, I think it’s time to settle down.”

“I...”

“You what?” He asked after I hadn’t finished what I’d started to say.

“I wouldn’t do it if it felt like you were settling. Coming from personal experience.”

“Oh, I didn’t really mean it like that. I just meant that I’m going to marry her anyway, why not do it sooner than later.”

“I...” I started again. He looked at me while I cursed myself internally. Just say it already. “I wish the two of you the best of luck.”

“Well thank you, that means a lot.” He finished the beer and stood up. “Well, I better be headed over to my side of the city. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”

He got in his old white truck and drove down the street as I stared after him. “I... I love you.”