I Knew It From The First Time

"Cassadee?" I whisper into the phone. "Are you up?"

She groans. "Well I am now. Jamie, do you know what time it is?"

"No." I admit. "What time is it?"

"Almost 2 in the morning. What do you want? This better be good."

I bite down on my lip. I can hear the springs of Alex bed creak as he rolls over. "I have to... Um... Well what do I do now?"

It takes her a minute to realize what I'm talking about. "Jamie! It's been two days! And Alex -"

"Shut up Cassadee!" I say as loud as I dare. "If you wake up Rian and he hears us, he'll tell Alex before I even have the chance. Then I'll be in deep shit and I'll drag you right down with me."

"Okay, okay, sorry." She mumbles. "Look Jamie, I guess what you need to do is decide if you're going to confirm this thing before you tell Alex, or if you're going to tell Alex so he can go with you to confirm that you're -"

"Don't say that word." I crack the bathroom door open and peer out to Alex, stuck in a world of dreams. "What would you do?"

"Rian isn't Alex." She argues.

"If you were me. If it were Alex, not Rian." She doesn't answer. "Please Cass. I need someone, I need anyone at this point."

Cassadee sighs. "I would tell Alex first. In all honesty, he'd be more upset if you didn't tell him and he missed the first doctor's appointment against his own will."

I sink to the ground with my head between my knees. The world was spinning. "Oh God. Oh God."

"Do you need me to schedule the appointment?" Cassadee whispers after a minute or so, trying to break our silence.

I nod, as if she can see me. "Yes. Please. I... I can't."

"I'll call you in the morning." She adds. "Goodnight Jamie."

And just like that, I was alone again with Alex and the bed sheets and the way he shifted so calmly in his sleep. I bask in it. It would be the last time in months that he slept soundly.

************************************************************************************************************

"Hello?" I quickly answer Cassadee's call before Alex had the chance to come home from Jack's. He was due back any minute.

"Tomorrow. 12:30."

My stomach sinks. "That early? Why?"

"Because we need to get this over with. It's going to kill you more not knowing than it will once you have a definite yes or no. And if you are well, you know, stress isn't good for the... the.... you get it."

I shut my eyes and say the only thing I can manage. "Thanks Cassadee."

"The address is 840 South James Place. Her name is Dr. Shane."

I snatch a pen from the junk drawer and write in all the information on a napkin. "Thanks again."

"No problem Jamie. Let me know how things go. When you're ready."

"I will. If I don't call in the next week, I've probably sunk into a slow death."

"You'll be fine." She assures me. "Talk to you later, alright?"

"Yeah sure thing. Bye Cass." I hang up, crumpling the napkin in my hand just as the door swings open.

Alex walks in. I wonder if he'll write a song about this one. He'd at least name it something clever like The Pregnancy Scene or Teenage Parents, National Nobodies.

"Hey hun." He smiles when he sees me. I try my best to keep my stomach calm.

"I have to tell you something." I blurt out.

Alex cocks his head to the side in confusion. "Do you want to discuss it over dinner? I came home early thinking we could go out tonight. I'm craving some sushi."

"No Alex, no. Trust me, you don't want to eat before I tell you this." I can feel my throat burning and I curse myself, pushing back the tears.

"Jamie," Alex takes a step forward, "you're scaring me."

"Can we sit down?" My breath sounds hard when I say it. "I'm going to be sick."

Alex gently helps me to a kitchen chair, then pulls up his own, sitting across from me. "What is it?"

I can't even find my breath anymore. My heart hammers in my chest. "Have you noticed anything weird around here?"

Alex grabs my hands in his. "No. I haven't. Have you?"

"I, um, I've been sick a lot. You knew that. And I guess you might have also noticed that I have these God awful mood swings. I'm sorry for those, by the way." I bite my lip.

"Oh Jamie, please tell me you aren't... permanently sick?" His face drains.

"Nothing like that." I try hard to smile at him, but my mouth quivers.

"Please just tell me then. You're killing me here."

At the same time I say it, the tears fall down. I wipe them away. "I'm... No wait... I think I'm pregnant."

Alex's mouth parts slightly and he lets go of my hands. He scoots back in his chair and looks at the wall, pulling his hands through his hair.

"I don't know yet for sure. I have a doctor's appointment -"

"Jamie." Alex hold up his finger. "Just stop talking for a minute okay?"

I stare down at the dirty tiled floor and let my tears flow evenly, but by all means I don't sob. I got myself into this. I didn't deserve a pity party, no matter how much I wanted one.

Alex starts again once he has digested the first bit. His voice comes out even, but I can hear the suppressed anger inside of it. "If you haven't made an appointment yet, how do you know?"

"I took a pregnancy test. I took three of them actually." I admit.

"And they all said that this was real? This is happening?"

"Yes, Alex, all three said that this wasn't just me being paranoid." I try to remain calm. "I haven't had my period in two months. Nearly three now. Not since we left LA."

He looks at me for the first time since I said it. "What are we going to do?"

This time his voice has the fear behind it, the sadness, the worry. I shake my head. "I'm not sure."

I hand him the crumpled napkin. The ink is slightly smeared now. He looks down at my words. "12:30 huh?"

"Yeah." I reply.

Alex sighs and sticks the napkin on the fridge. He hugs me, running his hands up and down my back, kissing the top of my head just once. We stand there in the silence, scared to death.

"You're right. It's a good thing I didn't eat." His voice sounds sniffly, although he is joking, and it makes the salted tears run faster down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Alex. So freaking sorry."

"Me too." He whispers. "But maybe this is all a mistake. Just maybe."

"And if it isn't? What if when I go -"

"When we go." He corrects me. "When we go to the doctor's tomorrow. If they tell you that this is... real... well, we'll cross that bridge."

"Together?"

Alex holds me apart for a minute to look into my eyes. "Together Jamie. I'm not leaving you alone in this."

"Is that a promise?" I ask.

"That's a promise." Alex nods. "Come on now. I'll make you some hot chocolate and we can sit in bed and you can help me shop for Matt's wedding gifts."

I look up at him. "Matt?"

Alex smiles the best he can. "He announced it today. To the guys at least."

"Great," I throw my hands down, "I ruined that too."

Alex pulls away from me, already starting to get hot chocolate packets form the cabinet. He half laughs. "We. We ruined that, Jamie."

"Are we going to be okay, Alex?" I ask after a minute.

He looks up at me. "We're going to be okay."

A part of him sounds as if he's assuring himself more than me. His tone frightens me and I'm sure the worry is easily read on my face.

"Come along love." He hands me my cup, kissing my cheek. There is still a tinge of fear in his voice. "We have all of tomorrow to freak out."

I swallow down the lump in my throat, staring after him. "Right."

He had told himself we'd be alright. I bite down my lip. He didn't know either. Nobody did. Not even me...