Stay with Me

I haven't left my bed for 3 days straight. Vader just come and go, eating whenever she likes, and then comes back to join me. I have ignored phone calls and text messages from anyone, I heard people knocking on my door but I pretend that I don't hear anything. I am so tired, crying myself to sleep, crawling to get water, and just stare into nothingness, keeping my head empty. Everything in this room reminds me of Garrett, even Vader reminds me of Garrett, but I can't block her in my mind, she's mine and she keeps me company.

On the 3rd night I decided to take a bath, Vader following me into the bathroom, I allowed her. These days I have not cared about anything anymore. I cared about someone once and it failed.
Her eyes was on the door as she lay beside the bathtub, as if guarding me from any harm. I wouldn't know what I'll do without her. That night I have decided to eat as well, microwaved some frozen food, and managed to sit on the couch as I let myself stare into the tv.

Today felt a different kind of pain, the longing and disbelief was washed away and was replace by anger. I am just so angry now, angry, tired and heartbroken, just like the girl from that movie who became a martyr for love. That girl from the movie who you swear you won't be. And of course someone knocked. On the 1st and 2nd day of my whole....mourning process someone always knock in these time of the night.

Vader's ears perked up as I decided to open the door, leaving it open not looking at my visitor as I sit on the couch again and pretend nothing happened. My eyes are so small from crying as I try to focus on the tv. I don't care if this visitor turned out to be a mass murderer, for all I know he/she'll end my suffering.

"Nike, are you okay?" I heard Lacy's voice near me I almost jumped. I snorted and looked at her like she killed a puppy.

"Do I look like I'm okay Lace?" I asked her, my tone a bit harsh, I think I saw her cringe.

"Jared's been very worried, I've been worried, everyone's been worried..." She said, voice as soft as a velvet. I wanted to hug her and let go of everything I want to say, every question I want to be answered but I don't want to look weak, like how I feel now...

"You look pale too, you're not forgetting to drink your medicine right?" She asked, I rolled my eyes, I skipped 3 days, it doesn't really make a difference. I didn't talk, I stayed quiet cause I might not have the guts to shut my mouth when I started talking again.

"Jared's been really angry too, him, John, Pat, Kennedy and Matt, they're really-"

"Well I'm angry too Lacy. My boyfriend- Garrett just cheated on me with a fucking band slut." I interrupted her, tears started to blur my vision as Vader jumped next to me to put her nose on my lap. I petted her as I fought the tears from falling. Lacy didn't say anything else, I felt her arms around me, his figure shaking, as if crying. My chest was filled with so much feelings, touché. The tears that I've been fighting slip away, as I hugged back and cry, the hardest I did those three days. It is true that when someone hugs you, you'll feel the pain more and just want to let it out. It's been like forever when we pulled out from our hug and we wiped our tears.

"You still look pretty even when you cry" she said, giggling while wiping her tears.

"I don't even look good enough for Garrett, I mean come on Lace, let's not kid ourselves" I said, choking as I tried to chuckle.

"You're not ugly Nike." She said firmly, his voice stern and full of concern.

"Of course, just not good enough" I muttered as I shift my position. I saw Lacy fished her phone and I just stare at her.

"Can you just fucking punch Garrett for me? Yeah? Thank you." I heard her say, I watch her with narrow eyes.

"She's with me, and apparently she thinks she's ugly, not good enough and...she's broken Jar..." She said, talking about me like I'm not around. I just look at Lacy as she hands me her phone.

"Jar?" I asked the other line as I held my knees close on my chest.

"Nike? Oh god, I was so worried. I am sorry Nike, oh my god I can't believe I let this happen. I am so sorry. Do you want me there?" He said, panicking. Yes, I want you home Jar.

"No Jar, stay on tour, I'll be fine..." I replied, feeling tired

"I'm sorry if I trusted Garrett, I shouldn't have let it happened. I was so stupid to trust him." He said, tears filled my eyes again as I heard my cousin talk on the other line.

"Me too Jar, me too..."

"I promised Percy that we're the only one allowed to make you cry remember? I'm so sorry Nikey, I am so sorry." He said, I wasn't able to say anything, my brother's name made me cry more. "You're the most perfect girl out there Nike, don't even think you're not good enough, don't even say you're ugly. Just don't." He added, Lacy hugged me as I listened to my cousin talk. "He's an drunkyard asshole".

"Hey sweetie.." John's voice replaced my cousin's.

"Hey.." I replied weakly..

"We love you, remember that. And friends don't cheat over friends so you're safe with us-"

"Not helping John!" I heard Pat's voice interrupting him.

"What he means to-to-to say is that we got your back, we love you.."

"But he's your friend too..."

"He is a jerk, he did something wrong." Kennedy replied, I just realize I'm on speaker and I chuckled, embarrass that they're all hearing me cry.

"You guys should sleep or something"

"Good night, we love you"

"I love you guys too." I said, as I am glad that the conversation is over. I feel tired. I just want to sleep. Lacy went to hug me again before leaving, telling me that she have some errands to do. But I am sure she just wants to leave me alone. Vader and I went to bed and stare at each other, this is so weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm in Harry Potter and Vader is some sort of a wizard pet. She understands me, I love her to death. I just pet her until I dozed off, not crying for the first time in 4 nights.

&&

"Hello?" I answered my phone when it woke me up. I was dreaming of Vader, we were walking by the park, playing and eating burritos while we look for someone.

"Nike? Hey..." His voice answered, my whole body froze, as if a ghost hugged me. It feels like we're still in a dream and we just found we're looking for.

"I don't want to hear your voice, see your face...I don't even want to see your name or anything about you Garrett, go fuck someone else or something" I said hanging up as I buried my face into the pillow. Feeling frustrated and defeated. Why can't he just stop going inside my brain cause I hate him, or atleast I try to hate him. I am just so angry. He broke my heart.

I heard Vader whimpered as my phone rang again.

"Garrett I told you I don't want to ta-"

"Is this Mr. Stan's daughter? Nike?" A girl answered, even though she can't see me, I felt my face burned.

"Yes." I choked out. This is actually not the right time to harass me to go back to New York dad. Not the right time at all, to even talk to me.

"This is Joyce from St. Claire's hospital, Mr. Stan wrote your name as a confidante, if you could just go he-"

"I'm in Arizona, what happened" my broken heart felt a jolt of worry, as I heard the word hospital.

"Your father is in a coma-"

"Wait, what?! You can't just call me and say things like my father is in a coma, how could he be in a fucking coma!" I shouted through my phone feeling anxious. This is some sort of a prank, someone from upstairs is playing a trick on me.

"Calm down sweetie, he had a heart attack, and from his past condition-"

"What past condition?! And don't ask me to calm down, sweetie, you just called me and said my father is in a coma" I shouted, my voice shaking as I went to my cabinet and grab a back pack, packing underwear, shorts, shirts my wallet, phone charger and passport.

"He has a heart disease, and he's in terrible condition, we suggest that you'll come as soon as possible" Joyce said, my whole world stopped then. I didn't care about Garrett anymore, for all I know he's a jerk but every inch of hate towards him was replaced by my guilt. My father might die, and I am here in arizona, crying because a guy broke my heart. My father who I have been denying for a long time. My father whom I thought I despise....

This can't be happening to me, I feel so defeated, is this my karma for missing 13 years of church?! My bestfriend just cheated on me, not that I felt anymore weaker than a random nurse telling me my father is in a coma! I've been in this way before, I am not losing my father without me doing anything. My dad, we used to play the piano every night and then Percy would be so annoyed. My family, the only existing immediate family I have.

"I'm on my way to the airport." I choked out as I dragged Vader outside the apartment. My backpack was on my bag and Jared's keys were on my other hand. I drove in silence, every part of my body is shaking as I walk into Lacy's driveway.

"Nike???" She said as she opened the door for us.

"Take care of her please, I need to go back to New York." I said. Almost banging my head on her door.

"Why? Is everything okay?"

"Can we just talk about this some other time? I'm in a hurry..." I said almost leaving when I heard her front door shut.

"I'll drive you." She said opening her car door for me, I nodded as we both went to the airport. No one talked, she didn't asked. I have bitten all my nails when we got there and ran as fast as I could to reach the latest flight. Not saying goodbye to anyone.

Panic! At The....Everywhere. That's my specialty, of course next to fucking up. No one can fuck up life this hard other than me. Or maybe Garrett can, but atleast he had sex. I try to not think about Garrett but the pain he left me, added with the guilt and worry I feel for my father makes me a mess, I have never been this tired and terrified before. I feel so vulnerable. I wish someone is here with me, pathetically I wish my bestfriend is here with me. Although I am not quite sure if I still know him...

As soon as I got my butt planted into the airplane's chair I grabbed my phone and turn it off, ignoring someone calling me. I got a seat next to lovers. Great, just fucking fantastic. My feelings are too mixed up and I just can't handle it anymore. I can't even describe it myself properly. I feel so much pain of course, I have never been this emotionally unequaled for so long, I am also terrified for my father, also I feel like crying and shouting and just hit someone on the face.

The girl's head was rested on the boy's shoulders, as his hands were wrapped on her tiny body. I already miss Garrett, despite the fact that he broke me into pieces I just miss him. I loved Garrett, I am sure now, heck I think I am still in love with him, but he just broke me into millions of pieces. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to die.