Fix Me

This is it, Josh thought as he stared at his suitcases, I’m going to rehab.
A year ago Josh would’ve never pictured himself here. He didn’t belong; he was supposed to be smarter than that. Yet here he was, admiring the bedroom he wasn’t going to see for two months. He was still trembling from Kali’s visit, but he ignored it now. His slight tremors meant nothing when he was facing a much bigger problem.
His now naked walls appeared to be closing in around him, forcing him to get out. He didn’t want to leave, though. Despite how menacing and disapproving the walls seemed, he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to walk out the front door because he knew it’d be the last time he’d see everything he’d grown up with for a long time.
Josh got up and walked around his room, picking up the broken glass and ripped photos that decorated the floor. His room was trashed from his moment of rage. In a way it’s sort of symbolic, he thought, my life is in a mess right now because of me, just like my room. When I come back, my room will be spotless and hopefully so will my life.
“Josh?” Corlynn called from the top of the stairs. “Are you ready to…go?”
Josh jumped slightly at her words and the reality of them. Casting one more glance at his soon-to-be uninhabited room, he picked up his bags and walked through the doorway.
“Yeah, I’m coming.” he mumbled.
He dragged his suitcases behind him up the stairs without a care. He didn’t want to look up from his feet. He didn’t want to make eye contact with his parents, who were so disappointed in him but didn’t want to say anything just yet. There’d be time for that once he got back from rehab. He didn’t want to see anymore of the house he was leaving behind.
His parents walked out the door with him in the middle, and the sound of the door closing behind him made Josh wince. He kept walking, however, and didn’t look back once. He was too scared at what the sight would evoke from him. Instead, he looked straight down, only vaguely aware of what was in front of him, and shuffled his feet after his mother.
Corlynn opened the back door of her car for her son, tearing up as she watched him put his bags in the trunk. He gave her a weak smile minus the direct eye contact and slipped into the backseat without a sound.
The road was too quiet, too bumpy, and too heavily laden in unsaid words. Josh felt as though he was going to suffocate in that car with everything in the air between his parents and himself. He ignored this to the best of his ability and stared out the window as the city lights flew by. When was the next time he was going to get to walk these streets? Would he be walking them as a clean person, or a person who hasn’t changed one bit? A million thoughts filled Josh’s head as he contemplated all he’d be missing out on while he was away, locked up in rehab. Suddenly Josh wanted to revolt and back out. He didn’t want to go to rehab. Who goes to rehab at 17? He looked down at his arms and saw the holes and scars. I guess I do, he thought.
His parents turned down a street and Josh looked back out his window. I know these houses, he realized. Why are we here? There’s no rehab close by…
“We thought you might want to visit Kali quickly before you go,” Miles said awkwardly, “to say your goodbyes and everything.”
The car came to a stop outside Kali’s house. Josh stared at it outside his window and swallowed hard. The light was on behind the curtains of her balcony window. His heart was beating hard and his stomach flopped around uncomfortably.
My parents are right, he told himself. Even if she doesn’t want to talk to me, I need to at least say goodbye to her…she’s one of those things I’m going to miss the most…
“I’ll only be a minute,” he murmured to his parents as he opened his door and stepped out.
He followed the walkway to her house slowly and every part of him was shaking. He wanted to turn around and go back so badly, but he knew he had to do this.
The lights were off in the rest of her house, so he assumed her parents were either out or in bed already. Picking up some stones from the small garden, he stepped back and began to toss them at her balcony doors. He heard each one of them hit the glass with a small tink before they fell back down to the ground. He kept doing it until he’d gone through 15 pebbles. Then a silhouette appeared behind the curtains and the door opened a little. Soon enough, Kali had stepped out onto her small balcony and was squinting down into the dark yard.
“Kali,” Josh whispered, “Kali, it’s me.”
“Josh?” she asked incredulously. She leaned over the railing a little, searching for him as her eyes adjusted to the poor lighting.
“I needed to come see you,” he said. “I needed to say goodbye to you.”
“Why?” she asked coldly. “I shouldn’t even give you the time of day right now.”
“I’m going to rehab, Kali.” He answered. “I told my parents everything, and I’m checking myself in tonight.”
Kali was quiet for awhile, staring down at him. She hugged her arms around herself, rubbing at her upper arms.
When she didn’t speak, Josh continued. “I’m sorry, Kali. Everything I did was wrong and I apologize for wrecking everything. The full truth is, I’m addicted to heroin, cutting, and I’m bulimic.” He heard a gasp come from above, but he continued before she could have a chance to leave. “Like I said, I’m checking myself into rehab for it all. When I come out, I’ll be clean. I’ll look for you, Kali.”
“Josh…” Kali whispered softly.
“No, I will,” he argued. “Everything will be better when I come out, I promise you. You can hate me, but I’ll still look for you.”
Kali sighed.
“I have something for you, before I go,” he said. It was sort of a spur-of-the-moment type idea, but he wanted to do it. He reached up behind his head and unclasped his favourite silver chain that he always wore from around his neck. He tied it back up and looked up at her. “Catch.” With a good arm, he threw the necklace into the air and she caught it in her outstretched hand.
Upon inspecting the necklace, she shook her head. “Josh, I can’t—”
“Just take it, please. Wear it, too. Just please don’t forget about me while I’m gone.” He begged. His voice cracked on his last few words.
Kali was silent for a moment again before she tied the chain around her neck. Josh’s shoulders relaxed some.
“Wait here a second,” she said before disappearing back into her room. For a second, Josh’s heart rate increased and he feared she wouldn’t actually come back. She did, however, and she had something clenched in her hand. “Catch it.” She dropped it down to him.
He ran to catch it in his hands. When he opened them, he saw a ring made of a dark blue stone with silver trim. He slid it perfectly onto the fourth finger of his right hand.
“I was going to give it to you before…everything,” She explained softly.
“Thank you. I’ll never take it off.” He smiled up at her. It was another one of those moments where she took his breath away. Even though she looked so sad and worn out, she didn’t fail to look completely beautiful. His heart gave a painful pang when he remembered he was there to say goodbye to her.
“So…how long will you be gone…?” Kali asked after a moment of silence.
“Two months…maybe more, maybe less,” he shrugged. “I’ll miss you…I know you hate me, but I’ll miss you.”
“I don’t—Josh, why are you doing this?” Kali ran a hand through her hair.
“Because I don’t care if you’re so mad at me that you want to kill me,” he said confidently, “I just wanted to say goodbye to my best friend.”
It was silent again, and then Josh heard a soft sob come from above him. He stepped closer to her balcony. “Kali?” he asked. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t want you to go…” she cried.
Josh climbed up her lattice as fast as he could and soon he was right in front of her, using the railing for support. He looked into her red eyes and his expression softened.
“Don’t cry, Kali,” he whispered. “I’m doing this to fix myself for good.”
“I just…I want to be so mad at you, Josh. I want to hate you for the emotional turmoil you’ve put me through, but I can’t.” Kali was sobbing and tears were falling down her face faster than Josh could catch them. “I said all those mean things to you and I hit you and now…you’re leaving.”
“No, I’m not leaving, I’ll be back,” he comforted.
Kali shook her head and hid her face in her hands. After she’d relaxed herself, she revealed her face and peered into Josh’s eyes. Those ice blue eyes that she wasn’t going to see again for two, maybe more, months. Instinctively, she threw her arms around him and hugged him carefully so he wouldn’t fall. When she pulled back, she cradled his face in her hands and searched those exact eyes.
“I’m glad you’re getting help, Josh,” she whispered shakily. “I know you won’t regret it.”
“No, I won’t regret it,” he shook his head. “I won’t regret it because I’m doing it for you.”
“No, not for me, Josh. You’re doing this for you. Please just do it for you and no one else.”
“But, Kali—”
“No. I’ll be here when you’re better, Josh. Until then…good luck and goodbye.” She hugged him once more and kissed him on the cheek for the second time. This time, however, her lips lingered that extra second longer and Josh’s heart went into overdrive.
Josh just stared at her with wide eyes. He wanted to kiss her, just once, for that good luck. Just once, so he could have that to remember while he was in rehab. Just so he could have it to look forward to once he got out…
“Go,” Kali said, stepping away from him.
“Kali…” He said her name in a murmur.
“Go, Josh, before I screw everything up and make you stay.” Tears welled up in her eyes again but she smiled weakly.
He wanted to leap the railing and walk straight into her arms and beg her to make him stay. But her eyes, sad smile and distance told him he couldn’t do that. She wanted him to be the better man and make the right choices. He had to do it, for her, for himself. So, he smiled back at her as best as he could and retreated back onto the lattice.
“See you later, Kal.” I love you.
He drank her in once more before retreating back to the ground and back to his road to recovery.