Fix Me

“Josh, you have some visitors.” Nurse Lindsey poked her head into Josh’s room, startling him from his song-writing world.
Josh stood up from his desk and followed the nurse to the visitation room. He watched her back as she walked ahead of him and noticed she had an odd way of swaying her hips when she walked. He didn’t mind it much, but it was slightly distracting in the worst way.
He knew before he even got to the room that it would be his parents there to see him. His heart gave several quick pounds as he remembered they’d said they would ask Kali to come with them. Would she be there this time? Would he walk into that room and see her smiling face? He tried to suppress his excitement as he got his hopes up.
“Here you are,” Nurse Lady opened the door with a smile and Josh brushed past her quickly. His heart sank to the floor but he tried his hardest to keep it from showing on his face. He didn’t think he did a good job.
Miles and Corlynn were seated on the fluffy couch in the visitation room. Kali was nowhere to be found and they looked at their son with sympathy in their eyes. Slowly Josh sat in the armchair and smiled weakly at his parents in an attempt to brush off his earlier disappointment.
“How are you, sweetheart?” Corlynn asked softly.
Josh shrugged. “I’ve been better,” he mumbled. “I hate this place, mom.”
“I can only imagine, Josh, but you wanted this and you needed this.” Corlynn almost wanted to help Josh, but she wanted him sober even more.
“Nothing has changed out there, son,” Miles sighed, “it’s still the same old world. You’re not missing much.”
Josh looked up at his parents. “Yet I’m missing everything,” he said. “Did you ask Kali to come?”
Corlynn and Miles exchanged a pained glance and neither looked back to their son for a moment.
Corlynn began playing with her rings before she replied, “I asked her to come, sweetie, but she said…she said she didn’t want to.”
Josh sat back in his chair with a pain in his chest. She didn’t want to come? What was that supposed to mean? He was sure they’d left it on good terms, so what had happened?
“Oh.” Josh murmured.
“I think she’s just dealing with a lot on her own right now,” Corlynn said comfortingly. “When I saw her in the café the day I asked she was very quiet and didn’t smile. She always looked like her body was present but her thoughts were elsewhere completely.”
“Then why is no one helping her?” Josh asked incredulously.
Corlynn and Miles Ramsay said nothing. They’d been doing a lot of that lately with their son. Sometimes it was best to keep quiet, others there just wasn’t something they could say.
“Why didn’t you ask her what was wrong?” Josh demanded. If something was wrong with Kali, that worried him. Especially since there he was nothing he could do about it personally.
“I don’t want to impose on her personal life, Josh. That’s rude.” Corlynn answered softly.
“But she’s hurting…” Josh muttered, defeated.
“If she doesn’t want to come see you, maybe it’s in her best interest, and yours.” Miles sighed. He hated seeing his son so weakened like this. “She’ll still be around when you’re better.”
“I guess.” Josh sighed. He didn’t want to talk about Kali anymore. It was clear his parents weren’t going to tell him the things he wanted to hear, so he just dropped it.
His parents asked him numerous questions and informed him of their daily lives. The entire time he pretended to listen and care. Something inside him was distracting him once again. The frustration and hurt from Kali telling his mother that she didn’t want to come see him was building in his chest. He just didn’t get it. How could she make him feel like things were okay and then once he was in rehab she ignored him? He could feel the pain crushing his heart.
After his parents left, Josh was escorted back to his room. He walked in and heard the door shut behind him. He simply stood there, staring at the bare walls and navy blue bed. Nothing around him was familiar anymore. He hated this place, and he hated himself. But most of all he hated how she was making him feel.
It’s all her fault I’m in here anyways, he thought. She’s the one that put me here…and now she won’t even come look at what she’s done.
Josh just wanted to make himself feel better. The only way he knew how was not permitted within these walls. But I have to…I have to do something. I can’t handle this feeling.
He strode back to his door and opened it quietly. Slowly he stepped out onto the tile floor, his socks muffling the noise. So far, he was in the clear. Now he just had to make it the crucial twenty feet to his destination.
Unfortunately, he didn’t make it half as far as he would’ve liked.
“Excuse me, can I help you?” The familiar, dreaded voice called out, stopping Josh in his tracks. Now he was screwed.
The assistant stepped out from behind the nearest wall. It was a guy; Josh knew his name was Liam. He was shorter than Josh was but with much more muscle on him. He walked up to Josh with a curious smile on his face.
“Oh, yeah,” Josh stammered, scratching his head, “I just have to use the bathroom.”
“Oh, well let me take you there,” Liam said.
“It’s fine, man, I can take myself.” Josh laughed nervously.
“I can’t let you do that,” Liam sighed sheepishly. “It’s one of the rules. You could try something in the bathroom if you were unsupervised and since you were bulimic…well, surely you understand.”
Josh stared at Liam for a moment, that familiar rage bubbling up inside him. His plans were seemingly falling apart, seeing as that’s exactly what he was going to do once he got to the bathroom. The whole thing was ridiculous; he’d never been ‘escorted’ to the bathroom before. However, he figured there had to be a way he could play it all off, so he offered Liam an innocent grin.
“Oh, yeah, I totally understand. I just have to piss, man. I’m sure you understand that.” Josh said lightly.
“Right,” Liam nodded awkwardly and started walking towards the bathroom, with Josh shuffling along sulkily behind.
The two walked into the bathroom and Josh walked to the farthest stall. When he got to it, he spun around and raised his eyebrow at Liam, who stood faithfully by the sinks.
“So, you’re just going to stand there while I…” Josh began awkwardly.
Liam laughed softly and his hazel eyes twinkled. “Yeah, yeah…that’s another one of those rules I was telling you about.” he said.
Josh simply nodded and disappeared into the stall. What was he going to do now? It’s not like he could gag himself and puke without making a noise. But he had to do something; the pain was still eating him alive.
Josh ran his fingers through his hair distractedly and looked around the cramped space. Before he could even think about controlling it, he started to hyperventilate. His hands were shaking and he could feel sweat bead up on his forehead as he paced back and forth in the confined stall.
“You okay in there?” Liam asked outside the stall door. “Josh?”
Josh wanted to reply with the truth. He wanted to tell Liam how no, he wasn’t okay, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t say anything. He was breaking down and losing it, finally. His cravings and unresolved anger were finally closing in and taking over. He couldn’t breathe let alone fight them off.
“Ah…” Josh murmured. His voice slowly got louder and his murmurs turned to screams of rage. He punched the stall walls and dinted them. He kicked at the toilet and broke pieces off the paper dispenser. “I hate you, I hate you!” He yelled as hot tears poured down his face.
“Whoa, what the hell!” Liam exclaimed as he kicked open the unlocked door to the stall. It hit Josh on the back as it flew inwards and he toppled over the toilet. Liam grabbed Josh by the waist and dragged him out of the stall kicking and flailing. “Josh, settle down! Stop it!” Liam yelled.
“Why won’t she love me?” Josh screamed to the open air. “Why won’t she love me…?”
“We need to get you back to your room,” Liam gasped as Josh squirmed in his grip. With a little arguing, he managed to get the weakened Josh out of the bathroom and back to his own door.
By the time Josh was set on his bed, he felt like passing out. His moment in the bathroom had taken all his energy, which was something he didn’t have much of after his addictions. His heart was racing and he could feel the colour drain from his face. His entire body was shaking and his head throbbed sickeningly.
“Josh? Josh, look at me,” Liam said as he kneeled in front of Josh. “Hey, you’re alright. You’re safe.”
“No, I’m not.” Josh shook his head.
“Yes you are,” Liam held up two fingers. “Are you dizzy? How many fingers am I holding up?”
Josh stared at his hand with a frightened expression and didn’t answer. All he could do was continue breathing and mentally telling himself that he was okay.
“Josh, talk to me,” Liam sighed. “I need to know you’re feeling alright.”
“What would you do if I wasn’t feeling alright?” Josh asked in a whisper. His ice blue eyes stared fixedly at Liam.
“Well, I’d have to get more of the nurses in here and possibly get medics,” Liam answered in a tired voice. He could tell Josh was calming down and was going to be just fine.
“Really? All that for me?” Josh asked.
“Well you are a patient here, Josh. We’ll do everything to make sure you walk out of here on the right path. We can’t do that if you’re ill.” Liam shrugged.
“Oh,” Josh said. He gripped his pants with his hands to try and get himself to stop quivering. “Well I’m fine, I promise. I just…crumbled for a second. I’ve been in here for a really long time. I’m okay now. I just want to sleep.”
Liam looked at Josh warily for a moment before standing up hesitantly and nodding. “Alright, if you’re sure. I’m taking your word on this, Joshua.”
“I’m positive. See ya, Liam,” Josh said as he watched the man walk out his door. “Say hi to the wife and kids for me.”
Josh rested back onto his pillows and heard his door click closed. He shut his own eyes and blacked out his surroundings entirely. It was only a short matter of time before exhaustion took over his body and he fell into the deepest sleep he’d had in months.