Fix Me

VERY important author's note to read at the end!!!!

Kali stood on the west side of her mother’s café, watching the sunset. She drew her large cardigan tighter around her body as the wind whipped her long brown hair around her face. She felt so extremely alone in that moment and it ate away at her heart with poisonous fangs.
She’d told her mother she was going to the café to do some late cleaning and then she was going to Alice’s afterward. In reality, she was going to the café to spend the night on the rooftop alone. She’d unpacked a tent her and Josh had stowed away in the back room and set it up in the sheltered portion of the roof. She wasn’t sure why she was staying here; she only knew that a part of her wanted to. She felt the most safe she’d felt in two months on that roof.
The previously dark grey Vancouver sky had opened up and was bleeding out in vibrant oranges, reds, pinks and purples. On the opposite side of the beautiful sunset was the darkness of night and it was closing in. Kali had once feared that darkness. She had felt that it brought danger and unimaginable horrors. But now she welcomed it like an old friend. The darkness had become an unbiased truth; it provided her with time to hide and stop faking smiles. She didn’t have to answer to anyone when that darkness came around.
With the smallest of pangs in her stomach, Kali was hit with déjà vu, as she always was when she stood in that spot. She remembered all the times her and Josh had sat up there, watching the same sunset she was watching now. They’d practically grown up on that rooftop. It’d always been their safe haven. They came up there to get away from their parents, siblings, homework, and the entire world some days. They always escaped together. Kali remembered her words that day when they were seven: “I’ll always be your friend, Josh…even when you’re a meanie.” A small smile blossomed on her face at the memory. Could she still say those words today, given the circumstances?
Without realizing it immediately, she longed for Josh to be on that rooftop with her. She wanted him back, like he used to be, all goofy smiles and random jokes. Everything would feel so much better if he was just there with her. Maybe this heavy weight in her chest would disappear finally when she saw those icy blue eyes sparkling at her.
She could almost feel his arms wrap around her in a hug. She took in a sharp breath and ran her shaky fingers through her hair. Imagining him there wouldn’t make anything better. She’d only feel worse, and then she’d start to cry again…
Suddenly the door to the rooftop slammed shut. Kali jumped at the noise and spun around, her heart hammering in her chest. She didn’t know who to expect, but the person she saw made her breath catch in her throat. She definitely hadn’t been expecting him…
“J-Josh?” Kali stammered. Her dark green eyes were wide in shock and her entire body felt numb. How was he here, on the rooftop, right at that moment? She’d only just been wishing for him to be by her side…how was this happening?
Josh looked healthier, fuller. His skin tone was no longer a waxy pale, but a healthy shade of ivory. The dark circles that had resided under his eyes for so long had all but disappeared. His own eyes seemed brighter, more hopeful. There was a deep spark of determination in them as he took her in.
Even in her shock, Kali looked just as beautiful as she had when Josh had last seen her. His mouth fell open for a moment, useless. He clenched his fists tightly and remembered what he’d come for. He wasn’t going to waste anymore time.
He took several quick strides towards her. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “but I need to do something I should’ve done a long time ago.”
Kali was frozen in her spot as he quickly closed the space between them. Closer and closer he got until he was right in front of her. His warm hands cupped her face and his full lips pressed against hers with urgency. They were connected by lips and fingertips and the world felt as though it had stopped spinning.
Josh felt muscles in his stomach contract and turn to jelly. His heart pounded in his chest, almost making it hard to breathe. The moment was more than he’d expected it to be. Everything was frozen and the only people existing on the planet were the two of them. It was the kind of kiss that felt so right, it was like they’d been doing it for years.
Kali couldn’t move. Her brain slowed down and couldn’t quite process all that was happening. She could feel his warm lips on hers, seemingly breathing life back into her. She could feel her chest swell up with a feeling she hadn’t experienced since he’d left. It was a feeling of hopefulness and happiness, and she realized it’d always been him who supplied her with these sensations. It would always be him. Josh Ramsay was her happiness; he had been all these years. Slowly, her eyelids fluttered closed and she leaned into him.
Josh pulled back slowly. He opened his eyes to see her opening hers. Those dark green eyes sparkled with a refreshed life and a new understanding. He lost his breath just looking at them.
“I can’t believe I just did that…” he whispered shakily. His hands still remained on either side of her face and he held her there.
Kali searched his glacier blue eyes and understood that the words she was about to speak were completely true. “It’s okay,” she whispered back breathlessly, “I’m so happy you did.”
Before he could reply she threw her arms around his neck and reconnected their kiss. Once again she was thrown into the calm pool of perfection. Everything was okay and finally falling into place. An electric current ran through her body from his pleasantly and she shivered gently.
Josh’s hands fell to her waist and held her close. He could feel her fingers entwine themselves in his hair and he smiled against her lips. He could feel the heat from the sunset warming his face and everything in that moment was entirely, blissfully perfect.
Finally they pulled away from one another and rested their foreheads together. They both just stood there smiling, flushed and breathless.
“Kali,” Josh said quietly after a moment, “I’ve wanted to do that for so long. The entire time I was away, I kept thinking about it; about you.”
Kali smiled, brushing the hair from his eyes. She loved just listening to his voice again. Her relief was overwhelming. He was the Josh she used to know, her Josh, again. Her fingertips brushed his cheeks, his lips, his tie. She could feel his heart pounding beneath the cotton of his shirt and tears welled up in her eyes. He was okay.
“I never thought that…that…” she stammered. Her voice shook as she tried to keep her tears at bay.
“That what?” Josh asked with a kind smile. “That I’d be in love with you? I thought it was pretty obvious…”
“I never thought I’d be in love with you too,” she whispered.
Josh’s eyes widened at her words and he held her closer. “Oh…” he murmured.
“The whole time you were away I just…I hated myself for everything I did,” Kali sniffed, tearing her gaze away from his wide blue eyes.
“You didn’t do anything, Kal—”
“Yes, I did. I was so caught up in how you were hurting me I didn’t think about all the ways you were hurting. I was a terrible friend to you, Josh. I won’t forgive myself for all the things I—”
Josh leaned down to kiss her, holding her close to him. When he pulled away he brushed back strands of her hair and shook his head slowly.
“I forgive you, alright? Don’t hate yourself, please, Kal. You make me feel okay; like I never once fell apart. I spent all that time trying to fix myself but in the end you fixed me. It’s you, Kali. It’s always been you.” Tears were overflowing out of his bright blue eyes as he kissed her once more. “It’s always been you.”
“Oh, Josh,” Kali chewed her lip and smiled, wiping away his tears and leaving her own to go unnoticed. “This is so surreal. I was just wishing you were here with me, and now…I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you,” Josh smiled. “You know I kept tabs on you while I was away.”
“Oh, really?”
“Mhm. I saw you dancing.”
“I thought I felt someone watching me…”
“Show me.”
“What?”
“Show me your dance. I like watching you dance.” Josh stepped back from her with a grin on his face.
“Oh, I don’t know…” Kali lifted her hand up to her mouth and bit on her sleeve.
“C’mon! Please?” Josh begged.
“I don’t have any music!” Kali opened her arms helplessly.
“Really? You’re going to try that excuse on me? You know I’d be all too willing to sing a little something for you to dance to.”
“Sing it, then,” Kali smiled, “sing Beside You.”
Josh laughed and nodded before spilling the beautiful opening words from his lips. He sang loud and clear and smiled as Kali began to spin and dance across the rooftop.
“Show me your dance moves!” Kali shouted as she spun around to face him.
Josh stopped singing to give her a look. “Alright, you asked for it,” he shrugged.
He began kicking and jumping around on the rooftop, doing all kinds of questionable movements while Kali was in stitches.
“That’s an awful lot of clapping, Ramsay,” she giggled.
“Hey, you asked for it.” Josh spun Kali around quickly and pulled her into his arms.
“I did.” Kali shrugged. She draped her arms around Josh’s neck and lifted herself up onto her tiptoes to plant a kiss on his lips. “Mm.”
“So, did you mean what you said?” Josh asked softly.
“What did I say?” Kali inquired.
“That you love me.”
Kali inhaled deeply and let those words float in her head for her to think them over. She had said she loved him. Did I really mean it? She knew all the things she’d felt in Josh’s absence were entirely real, and all the things she was feeling now definitely were, too. The only question was, were those feelings love, or something else? Kali stared into the pale blue orbs she’d missed so much for a long time. His eyes never left hers and he smirked quickly and kindly at her, causing butterflies to come alive in her stomach. A whole new sensation unfurled itself inside her, causing her heart to pound at just that singular look from Josh. That’s when she knew she had her answer. She didn’t want to ever look into another pair of eyes for the rest of her life.
“Yes, I did mean it,” she nodded. “I love you, Josh.”
Josh’s whole body relaxed and he let out the breath he’d been holding.
“Thank god. You don’t know how big of a relief it is to hear you say that,” Josh sighed. “I’ve loved you for so long but I was too stupid to ever say anything to you, and look where that got me.”
Josh continued talking, but Kali was barely listening. She was thinking, hard, about something. It was a very serious decision that she’d always been too frightened to let herself think about. She’d always been told to never even think about doing it with someone unless she knew they loved her and she loved them. Now she was in a position where she was loved and the feelings were mutual, and her body screamed it to her.
The setting sun cast a golden glow on the pair of them, and Josh’s hair and eyes were tinged with the colour. He looked so different than he had pre-rehab; he looked like himself again. Happy, weird, confusing Josh Ramsay. So maybe it was the romantic setting, or maybe it was the knowledge that he was okay, but something prompted Kali’s next move, and either way she was glad it did. Her mind was made up.
Cutting Josh off mid-sentence, Kali reached up to kiss him again. This time her kiss was more passionate, and Josh pulled her into him without hesitation. She felt his warm hands wrap around her small waist and hold her against his body, and some unknown muscles clenched in the deeper parts of her stomach. What was that? She asked herself. She hadn’t felt that when she’d been with Matt in her bedroom. But she liked it.
She pulled away to find that both of them were breathless. Josh looked at her curiously with a new fire in his eyes.
“Come with me,” she smiled, pulling on his hand.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
“We’re going to our tent.”