Fix Me

“You saw her again? Dude, you just f*cked yourself over.”
Josh was under the bridge once more and Jeremy was lecturing him on why it was a mistake to start talking to Kali again.
“No I didn’t. I can handle it.” Josh grumbled. He didn’t like Jeremy very much.
“Yeah, you’re saying that now. But just you wait. You’ll crumble under the pressure.” Jeremy’s lips curled up into an eerie smile.
“Jeremy, shut up, man. You don’t get it, okay? I’m…in love with her. I can’t not have her in my life anymore.” Josh sighed. He was tired of getting put down for being in love. They were all just jealous because they’d spend their whole lives chasing the high to replace the love they desired. Josh didn’t need to do that. So then what was he chasing?
“Alright, alright, sure. So you’re in love with her, big deal,” Jeremy rolled his bloodshot eyes. “If you love her so much, why are you here?”
“Because he loves us more!” Bree exclaimed as she walked past. She ran a finger along Josh’s jaw and fluttered her eyelashes. “Right, Joshua?”
She was high as a kite, no doubt about it. And not too shabby to look at, either. Josh groaned and pushed those thoughts away from him. The heroin had made him much more of a pervert than he’d once been.
“How do you know that you love her?” Raven asked. Raven was an incredibly tiny girl with jet black, short, spiky hair and several piercings on her face. She was always wearing tight black leather and it made her pale, bony features stand out in stark contrast. Her steely grey eyes burned holes through a person if they weren’t careful.
Josh considered her question for a moment and thoroughly thought about his answer. “It’s just the way she makes me feel when I’m around her. I feel actually happy for once instead of feeling like sh*t as usual. I feel like I can be someone great; a better me. She’s like my own high without the drugs.” It sounded corny even to him, but it was true.
Bree slithered up from behind him again and twirled a strand of his blue hair around her finger. “How does she really make you feel, Joshua? I bet you just want to pound her brains out, don’t you, you dirty little boy?”
Josh pulled away from Bree’s touch and she laughed at him. She was too high and he wasn’t at all. He didn’t care for her too much when she got like this. She was too maniacal for his taste.
In hindsight to her words, Josh hadn’t thought about Kali intimately for a long time. He used to fantasize about it from time to time, but he’d stopped. As soon as he realized that, he remembered why he’d stopped. He began to fantasize again about making love to Kali. Maybe their first time together would be in a Jacuzzi under moonlight with half-empty champagne glasses beside him. Or maybe they’d just do it in Josh’s car, unable to control themselves any longer. Josh knew that Kali was a virgin while he wasn’t, but that wasn’t a problem for him. Actually, it only made the whole idea more desirable. He wanted to be her first and to have those rights and that bond with her. He wanted to make her his in the most passionate way possible. He pictured how she’d feel; her perfect soft skin brushing his fingers, greeting his chest and more intimate parts. He pictured how she’d taste, sound, look; oh so beautiful. Suddenly Josh found himself gripping the arms of the lawn chair a little too tightly, and felt the now awkward pressure against the zipper of his pants.
“Look, I should go. My parents will get worried if I’m not home soon, so…” Josh stood up awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. Hopefully he hadn’t been too noticeable just then.
“One more hit before you go?” Luke asked. Josh liked Luke. He was a genuinely nice guy once one got past his sometimes unsettling features and shakiness.
“I don’t know, I have to drive. It could knock me out for hours.” Josh sighed. He knew it was wrong but he wanted it so badly…much like how he wanted Kali.
“Then stall for a couple hours. You can’t just deny a hit, Ramsay. What would Kali think?” Luke snickered but in a friendly way.
Yes, what would Kali think indeed? Josh could almost hear her in the back of his mind, pleading him to stop.
“Well…” Josh hesitated, eyeing the needle with a certain kind of hunger.
“C’mon man, lemme fix you.” Luke practically begged, waving the waiting needle around. For some reason everyone seemed to get serious enjoyment out of seeing Josh high and he didn’t understand it, but nor did he question it.
With a smile, Josh finally stepped forward and held out his arm.
“Fine. Fix me.”

It was an out-of-body experience like he’d never had before. He was soaring over his own body, controlling himself like a puppeteer. Only, he wasn’t very good at pulling the strings. He watched as his body stumbled around on the sidewalk and bumped into buildings. He’d have a few bruises in the morning, that was for sure. But at that moment, while he was soaring above his body like a sick balloon, he couldn’t care less.
In the back of his head, he knew he had to find his car. However, he also knew driving in his state would surely kill him. He had to find something else to entertain him until he wasn’t so high. Thankfully, somehow he’d managed to stumble all the way to Kali’s mom’s café. It was like his feet just knew where to take him. For an idiotic second he actually forgot about his condition and the girl he was going to meet possibly figuring it out. Instead, he pushed open the door and walked in. He was trying really hard at that point to not appear too crazy. All he wanted to do was see Kali. Surely that couldn’t be a problem when she was all he wanted…all to himself…
He made it to the red stool in front of the counter and sat down slowly. Kali didn’t notice him for a moment until he cleared his throat. As soon as those sparkling evergreen eyes landed on him, he knew he was in trouble.
“Josh! Wha—” she stammered. Her mouth pulled up into a smile. F*ck, I’m a goner. “What are you doing here?”
“I always come here,” he replied in a whisper. Why was he whispering? He cleared his throat once more and spoke as clearly as he could. “I wanted to see you.”
“Well aren’t you a sweetheart,” she smirked, focusing on counting the money in the register. “It feels good to see you back in here again.”
“Feels good to be back.” Josh stared at Kali’s ponytail for a moment. Her hair was such a pretty colour, like a cappuccino. It was glittery and shiny in the lighting from the café, and it looked feathery soft. His hand reached out to touch it and he couldn’t snap it back. He couldn’t control it. He twisted the small curl at the end of her ponytail around and around his finger, smiling at how soft it felt. He could play with her hair all day long.
“Josh, what are you doing…?” Kali asked with a slightly nervous laugh. She pulled her ponytail away from him so it draped over her left shoulder. She looked at him quizzically. He just stared back blankly, unable to come up with a response.
Thankfully, she dropped it and dismissed it as Josh’s general quirkiness. He was always doing questionable things like that. It must’ve been just one of those days.
“Hey, want some chocolate cheesecake?” she offered after a moment. “I won’t lecture you about not paying for it as a thank you for accepting my apology.”
“Oh, awesome,” Josh nodded exuberantly and looked down at his feet so he could go get some. Josh was over 6’ tall, but in that moment the stool seemed taller. His feet were resting on the first rung up from the bottom, and they refused to move. It looked like it was a dangerously far step to the floor, and it was only getting farther away from his feet. “Uh,” he stammered with an awkward laugh, “could you go…go get it? I don’t…want to move…”
Again Kali laughed at him. What was wrong with him? “Sure, be back in a second.” She walked away from him into the back, and he let his eyes linger on her retreating form for quite some time.
As soon as she was gone, Josh started to reprimand himself. I’m so f*cking stupid! I should’ve never come here! I need to leave but I can’t get off this stupid f*cking stool! Kali was going to figure him out for sure now.
She returned with Josh’s cake and he tried his best to stop freaking out. He leaned his cheek against his hand, trying his best to look relaxed and maybe a bit bored. No, take your hand off of your cheek, idiot. You look stupid.
“Here you are,” she said, handing him his cake with that smile he longed for.
“Thanks.” Josh picked up his fork and hesitated for a moment. Maybe food would sober him up some. He knew it worked for marijuana, and sometimes alcohol. Would it work for heroin? You’ll never know until you try. He took his first bite and chewed it slowly. The cake tasted different; weird. It was almost bland-tasting, and when there was a burst of flavour, it still didn’t taste like it should. His tongue felt like sandpaper against it, too. He kept eating it, though, at risk of getting found out.
“So, what didn’t you like in Trace?” Sh*t. Why had he said that? Why had he brought up Trace when everything was still healing?
Kali hesitated for a moment. She was clearly taken aback at his sudden query. However, she’d known he would bring Trace up at some time. She just didn’t think it’d be so soon.
“Well, he was an ass, and…too muscular or…fat, or whatever that is he has going on.” she shrugged awkwardly.
“You’re not into bigger guys?” Josh asked around his cake.
“Guess not. I like them lankier I suppose.”
“Hm.” Josh looked down at his cake. Suddenly he didn’t want it, ever again.
Kali raised an eyebrow at Josh. What was that look on his face? She hadn’t seen that one before.
“You okay?” She started scribbling on a notepad, trying to make it seem like she didn’t care that much.
“Hm? Yeah, I’m fine.” No, I’m not fine. I’m high on heroin right in front of you.
Kali just nodded slowly and continued scribbling on her notepad. There was a long awkward silence between them and it quickly got the best of Josh. Pushing the remnants of his cake into the trash as fast as he could, he stood up.
“I gotta get going,” He ran a hand through his hair, “Call me, ’kay? Sweet, love you, bye.” He was gone.
Something wasn’t right with Josh. Something inside him had changed; he wasn’t like he used to be. But what was it?