All or Nothing

Eliza knew it had been a bad idea to stay up all night, but she couldn’t help it. She hadn’t been able to sleep since she’d been in California and she hated it. She didn’t get much sleep when she was in New York, but it felt wrong staying with Zacky and Katie.

At some point, she’d gone and woken up Katie because she couldn’t stand to be alone anymore. She’d gone outside at some point in the night so she could be out of the house, but it only made her miss him. She went through her phone but her ringtones only made her miss him. She went back inside and tried to sleep, but it didn’t come. The tears did come, unfortunately, and that’s when she’d woken Katie up.

Katie had wanted to call Val, but Eliza adamantly refused since it was the night before her wedding. They let the third girl sleep, and spent most of the night talking. When Zacky stumbled in the next morning from Matt’s bachelor party, they knew it had been a mistake to stay up all night.

Eliza had secretly been looking forward to the bachelor party, hoping Brian would get drunk enough to where he would text her and say he was sorry or that he missed her or something, but as she checked her phone she realized it wasn’t coming. It was after Zacky said they’d all taken their phones and keys from each other that she figured out why. Even though she was thoroughly pissed off at him, all she wanted was Brian back.

They made their way to the hotel where they were to get ready with Val. She looked completely refreshed, and they all talked while getting their hair and makeup done. She’d been with Val to the dress shop days before in order to get the final fitting and she was in love with the dress. The dinner rehearsal had gone somewhat well, but Eliza was honestly dreading the actual wedding.

She was excited for Val and Matt to finally tie the knot, but the idea of being in a church, involved in a wedding so close to Brian had her almost in shambles. They finished the final touches before climbing in the limo to head to the church. Eliza thought it a bit funny to see all the guys standing in a church, but she had to admit she was getting a bit antsy.

Honestly, she’d been antsy since two days before when she and the guys, minus Matt, had gone into the studio to try and put a couple of songs together for their wedding. They wanted to be the ones to sing a few songs, and then let the DJ take over. Thankfully, Eliza didn’t have to look or speak to Brian the whole time, but she was painfully aware of his presence.

Walking into the church, everyone made a fuss of Val and how beautiful she looked, how her hair wasn’t falling a certain way or a bit of her eyeliner was running. Eliza tried to stay back in the shadows, but Val wouldn’t let her. She came close to Eliza and linked arms with her.

“Try and do me a favor?” Val asked.

“Anything,” Eliza said with a bright smile.

“Try to act like you’re having a good time. Please don’t shy away from Brian when walking down the aisle, please?”

“Whoa, a double please. This must be serious!”

“Eliza.”

“Sorry,” she said.

“Please just try to act like you want to be here?”

“Val, I do want to be here! I’m beyond excited for you and Matt!”

“I meant, when you’re with Brian, act like you want to be here.”

“I promise,” Eliza said and saw the other bridesmaids getting in line.

Val kissed her cheek and moved back into her little waiting area. The bridesmaids were all walking out with the best men, and Matt was walking out right before Val with his mom. Eliza looked at all the guys in their tuxes and smiled. Matt came around to hug each of the bridesmaids and stopped when he got to Eliza.

“Thanks for being here,” he said.

“Matt, you know I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

“I know, I just miss having you around all the time.”

“I’m still here, Matty,” she said and hugged him. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” he said with a smile and moved on to his mom.

When he moved, Eliza was brought face to face with Brian. He looked devilish in his black suit with starched white shirt. His bowtie was crooked and she had the sudden urge to fix it. His hair was sticking up everywhere, and eyeliner coated his eyes. Her heart grabbed a little bit and she turned to face the doors while Brian came to stand beside her.

If her bouquet of flowers could talk, they’d be screaming from the amount of squeezing Eliza was doing to them. Brian looked down and saw how badly she was squeezing them but he didn’t say anything. He also noticed how the other bridesmaids were holding on to their respective man’s arm, except for Eliza. She was as far away from him as she could be without making it seem weird. All he wanted was for her to touch him. He could tell from her touch how she felt toward him and he needed to know.

Eliza refused to latch onto his arm. She could walk fine, and if she didn’t have to touch him then so be it. She wasn’t going to. No one was going to make her.

Just before the doors opened to let her and Brian walk out, he grabbed her arm and put it on his. She stared at him with her mouth open as the doors opened.

As soon as she saw guests, she shut her mouth. She knew he’d done it because she couldn’t pull away from him; she wasn’t about to cause a scene in front of people at Val’s wedding but she could get him back. She put a smile on her face as they started to move and made sure her thumb and index finger were close to the inside of his elbow. Just as they neared the middle of the church, when she was sure he wasn’t suspecting anything, she smiled at the people in front of her and pinch her fingers as hard as she could into the skin of his elbow. She felt him tense but knew he couldn’t do anything about it.

Just as they were about to part, Eliza’s fell on Kaicey who was shooting them death glares. She leaned into him so only he could hear her.

“Don’t ever touch me again, Brian; your girlfriend might get jealous. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, I hate you.”

He’d heard her say that before, but something was different this time. There was way too much venom in her voice for her to not be serious. Unfortunately, he couldn’t say anything back to her as she finally let go of his arm and moved to stand at her position closest to Val. She turned to look at the church doors, waiting for Matt and his mother.

Once Matt had kissed his mother and she was sitting down, everyone turned to look at the doors. When the music started, the doors opened and Valary and her father started their way down the aisle.

Eliza couldn’t help but to glance over at Brian. He was staring at her, and she knew he was thinking the same thing she was.

This was supposed to be them.



Everyone was on the dance floor, having a good time and living it up in the wake of the newlywed couple.

Everyone that is, except for Brian and Eliza. They were sitting at opposite ends of the table and neither of them looked happy to be there. They both put on a smile when someone spoke to them, but other than that, they were miserable. Finally, Jimmy took pity on Eliza and asked her to dance.

She took his arm and he swung her around on the dance floor. She smiled as she moved closer to him, but as his back faced Brian, she caught a glimpse of him and her smile faded.

“It doesn’t have to be like this, you know,” Jimmy said in her ear.

“He hasn’t tried to make things better. I know I fucked up before, and even when he fucked up, I made things better. I initiated the contact and the apology. He can do it this time.”

“How long have you being doing coke?”

Eliza’s gaze jerked to him.

“How did you know?”

“You’re sweating like a pig, you’re skinnier than I am, which is saying something, and you’re antsy. Your hands won’t stop clenching mine. You forget, Cheese, I’ve been on every drug known to man. I know the symptoms. When’s the last time you had a hit?”

“Before the wedding.”

“How long have you been doing it?”

“Almost two months.”

“You need to stop.”

“I know,” Eliza said and let her gaze drop. “Do the rest of them know?”

“No, but they know something’s going on. Val and Brian had this huge fight the other day about you. She’s trying to get him to be a man and talk to you. Annisa called her and told her something was wrong.”

“They can all go fuck themselves. They need to mind their own business.”

“Eliza, this is how I know you’re on something. You’re not this hostile. You know they only care about you, right?”

“I know,” she said and sighed. “Jimmy, please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t, but you should. This isn’t my battle. You need to get help, and the only way you can do that is to let someone in.”

“Jimmy, you still do drugs, though.”

“I do them recreationally and not enough to get addicted. I do shrooms and I drink, but drugs aren’t a big part of my life anymore.”

“How’d you get over them?”

“I let people in,” he said with a small smile. “I admitted my addiction, I got help, and the guys have been there ever since.”

“Jimmy…It’s the only part of my life that I’m in control of right now. Jocelyn won’t let me kick Hunter out of the band, the only man I’ve ever truly loved thinks I slept with someone, and some little bitch is trying to horn in on him.”

“I know, Cheese, but you’ve got to take your life back. What the hell happened to the girl who didn’t take anyone’s shit? The girl who tried to prank the entire school because she didn’t give a fuck?”

“That girl’s been broken,” Eliza said and finally let a tear fall.

Jimmy wiped it away. “I’m glad you can cry now. It makes me feel better.”

“He’s always been the only person I could cry over.”

“Then tell him he’s fucked up. Make him come back to you, Eliza. Do what you know would make him jealous; make him realize he’s fucked up.”

“There’s nothing that would make him jealous, Jim.”

“Act like you’re dating Hunter.”

“Fuck no! Number one, I hate Hunter. Number two, that would only make Brian pissed off; it wouldn’t make him jealous.”

“Why do you think he got so mad, Eliza? He was jealous.”

“He was mad because he thought I’d lied to him, Jimmy.”

“Deep down underneath, every guy would be jealous, Cheese.”

“I’m not dating Hunter,” she said as if it was final.

"I was just saying do something to make him jealous, Eliza. That's all I was getting at."

The song ended and she moved away from him. She turned back to the table and saw Kaicey approaching Brian. It didn’t matter what anyone said before, she still saw what she saw, and she couldn’t look anymore. She turned away from them and away from the guests as she moved back into the hallway of the building.

“Let’s go dance,” Kaicey said to Brian as she leaned across the table to face him.

“I don’t want to dance with you,” Brian said to her, but his eyes followed Eliza out of the huge room.

“We can make her jealous.”

“I don’t want to make her jealous, Kaicey. I want you to leave me the fuck alone,” he said and stood up.

He needed a cigarette and he needed one bad.

He moved through the crowds of people until he reached the doors. He pushed his way into the fading sunlight and felt in his pockets for his pack. Lighting one, he inhaled just as he heard the sob. He turned the corner and saw Eliza with her hands over her eyes and her phone pressed to her ears. So she wouldn’t see him, he moved closer to the corner and back a little bit, just to make sure he could still hear her conversation.

“I want to come home.”

Something pulled at his heart. Huntington Beach was her home. She must be talking to someone from New York.

“I don’t care; I want to come home now.”

Brian chanced a look around the corner and saw she was pacing. Her face was upturned and her eyes were puffy and red and her eyeliner and mascara were running down her face. A few of her curls had escaped the up-do Val had wanted, and his heart broke a little bit more.
“He doesn’t care; he doesn’t want to see me. He won’t look at me. He doesn’t care that Hunter tried to play some stupid fucking joke; he doesn’t care, Nisa.”

Brian’s heart squeezed at the realization that she was crying. He thought back to the first time he’d seen her cry when she was getting into the car to drive away from him and how he’d chased after her. He remembered the torment he went through after that and how he almost made the biggest mistake of his life by marrying Amber.

When he and Eliza had gotten back together, they didn’t talk about things for a long time, but when they finally did, he told her he’d never act that way again. He apologized so many times and promised it would never happen again and that he would always believe her. Now, he’d broken that promise.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t ever want to see Hunter again. I don’t want to see Alex ever again since he’s joined forces with fucking Hunter. This was all a fucking mistake. I wish I had never tried to create this stupid fucking band. It’s the world’s biggest joke ever.”

Brian heard her sob again and she laughed, but it wasn’t a happy laugh.

“Annisa, just because our album is about to come out doesn’t mean anything. It’s only because of you and Dominic I’ve actually been able to hold on to any inch of sanity. I can’t come to California because everyone else is moving on with their life or is connected to Brian. I just watched Kaicey go up to him at the fucking reception. I don’t care what anyone says, something has to be going on there.”

He watched her pull off her shoes and start walking away from him.

“Eliza!” he called out before he could stop himself.

She whirled around, the phone halfway to her ear, her shoes in her other hand. The few strands of hair that had fallen from her hair were flying in the wind.

“What?” she snapped.

“Uh…we’ve got…It’s almost time to sing,” he said trying to think of an excuse to not get her to leave.

“Fine.”

“They just…they sent me to find you and tell you,” he said as he scratched the back of his head.

“Alright, you’ve told me.”

He watched as she stood there waiting for him to leave and he took his hint. He knew he should say something but he was right in his assumption that she was way beyond pissed off at him. This was going to be more difficult than he thought, but he knew he had to fix it. He’d promised her when they got together that he wouldn’t ever doubt her again and he’d ruined it.

He turned around and sighed as he went back into the hotel. He loosened his tie a bit as he entered the reception hall and he was greeted by Jimmy.

“You almost ready, fucker?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Brian said, running a hand through his hair.

“What’s up, dude?”

“I fucked up real bad with Eliza.”

“What’d you do this time?” Jimmy asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing, I didn’t do anything else. I’m just talking about in general.”

“What do you mean?”

“She doesn’t consider Huntington her home anymore. Dude, I can barely sleep in that house without her. It’s her house, ya know?”

“Well, I do know that you need to hurry up and fix this shit,” Jimmy said shaking his head.

“I know, dude…”

“No, Brian, you don’t know. Look, there’s something—”

“Are you ready to do this shit?” Eliza asked as she walked by looking at Jimmy.

He sighed and followed her and Brian followed behind him. He wasn’t going to be the one to tell Brian his ex was on coke and it was his fault. The guy was dealing with enough as it was.