All or Nothing

Brian woke up slowly.

Glancing around, he realized he wasn’t in his hotel room and he groaned. Looking around, all he saw was bodies all over the floor. It was something out of a cliché rock-and-roll hotel scene and he closed his eyes. Opening them, he sat up quickly, and immediately wished he hadn’t. He felt his stomach roll and had to take deep breaths in order to not vomit. It was almost funny to him, that he had a huge hangover, until he realized he couldn’t remember what he had done the previous night. Glancing at the bed, he saw Matt from Bullet for my Valentine lying on the bed with two women on each arm. He smirked as he made his way silently through the room and out of the door in search of his own room.

In the elevator, a sudden thought hit him. He hadn’t slept in his room, which meant Eliza had slept alone. Suddenly, he felt even more like shit. He jogged his way down the hallway to their door. He’d invited her to come here and then he spent the night away from her. A flash of an image stopped him in his tracks. He saw the girl straddling his hips and realized it wasn’t Eliza and he groaned out loud, picking up his pace. Finally, he got to the hotel door and opened it up.

It was empty. Aside from his things, the room was empty and he started to panic. No one was on the deck and his phone was completely dead, so he couldn’t call anyone. Once he looked at the clock, he realized why. They were supposed to leave in ten minutes for the airport. Cursing, he quickly packed his things and headed downstairs.

Thankfully, everyone was still there. He saw Matt and Val approach him first. Beyond them, he could see Eliza sandwiched in between Katie and Jimmy. Johnny was on the other side of Jimmy and Zacky was on the other side of Katie. None of them looked happy and none of them looked towards him. Matt and Val stood next to him, and both of them looked amused.

“Oversleep?” Matt asked.

“We were about to send out a search party for you,” Val said, squeezing his arm affectionately.

He was a bit confused. Weren’t they mad at him for not spending time with Eliza?

“Yeah, apparently I drank a little too much last night,” Brian said with a smile.

“Wow, like that’s never happened,” Val said, chuckling.

They moved towards the other group and chatted. Eliza didn’t once look up at him and he knew why. She was upset and he knew he’d fucked up again. Surely she hadn’t seen him with that girl, but that could be the only explanation that she wasn’t talking to him right now. He sighed and sat his things down.

A few minutes later, their flight was announced and they all migrated to the gate. They made it through security just fine and soon were boarding their plane. Eliza moved herself into a row towards the window. Katie and Zacky took up the remaining seats to her left. Brian held his tongue, knowing what she was doing, but he really needed to talk to her.

After the plane took off, he pulled out his phone to text Matt about the previous night. Minutes later, his hopes were confirmed in saying that he hadn’t slept with any of the girls; he’d just partied with them. Brian let out a sigh of relief and leaned back in his seat beside Jimmy. He glanced to his right to see Katie, Zacky, and Eliza in the row directly to his right. Katie and Zacky were watching a movie on his laptop and Eliza had her headphones on, listening to her iPod. Her chin rested on her palm as she looked out the window over the ocean. He knew she wouldn’t get up until their layover in Washington, D.C. and decided that would be the best time to talk to her.



Some insane amount of hours later, Brian was jerked awake by Jimmy shaking him. Brian looked around and realized they were about to land in D.C. Rubbing his face he readjusted the beanie over his head and fastened his seatbelt for the landing.

Making it into Dulles, Brian immediately headed towards the bathroom. It was a weird quirk of his that he couldn’t go on a plane. He wasn’t sure why, considering the fact he’d pull it out and pee anywhere else, but on a plane.

When he came out, he found the group again, quickly. The first thing he noticed was that everyone seemed a bit down. No one was smiling, everyone was quiet. He glanced around the airport and couldn’t figure out what was going on. When he looked back at his friends, he realized what was going on.

Eliza was not with them. He immediately moved to where Katie and Zacky were sitting, but he didn’t have to say anything. Katie knew what he was going to ask before he even had a chance to form the question.

“She’s not coming back to California. She’s going to New York.”

“Why?”

Katie didn’t say anything, just looked at him and he knew why. She thought he’d done something the night before with that stripper. He rubbed a hand over his face and looked around the huge main floor of the terminal. In front of him, the huge windows let him stare into the bright sun that was about to start going down. Turning to his right, he saw the LED screen announcing all of the flights. His eyes found the one to New York and his eyes widened. It was leaving in ten minutes. He instantly took off running in the direction of her gate.

People were standing in line to hand over their tickets, and he didn’t see Eliza. Panicking, he screamed her name. Every single head turned towards him and he was stopped before he could go through the gate towards the plane.

“You don’t understand!” he screamed at the man holding him back. “I’ve got to stop her before she leaves me! I can’t lose her!”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave—”

“Eliza!” Brian screamed again, down the walkway to the plane. He could only hope that she could hear him.

“Brian?”

He stopped in mid-scream and whirled around. Eliza was standing behind him with a confused look on her face. When his heart started working again, he ripped himself away from the guard and hurdled toward Eliza. There was nothing she could do except lift her arms as he wrapped his arms around her.

“I thought I’d lost you,” he whispered into her hair.

When he moved to kiss her lips, she pulled away from him.

“Brian, I can’t do this anymore,” she whispered back. She looked down and took a step back from him.

“Eliza what are you talking about?” Brian asked, reaching for him again. Still, she took a step back.

“Brian…I can’t do this with you anymore. Maybe…Maybe after we have some time apart, I could think about trying this again, but for now… I can’t do this. I can’t handle the fact that you go on tour, doing God knows what with God knows who. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t do anything with Kaicey because there’s always going to be someone else. There’s always going to be a friend that wants you to go do something with them, and being the good friend you are, you can’t say no.”

“Eliza, if this is about that stripper from last night… I didn’t touch her! I mean, I touched her, but I didn’t have sex with her!”

Eliza gave a hollow laugh and one side of her mouth lifted in a ghost of a smile. Her eyes blinked rapidly and Brian knew she was tearing up.

“Eliza, please don’t do this,” he said. “I’ll get down on my knees and beg, but princess, please don’t do this!”

She sniffed loudly and looked up at the ceiling, trying to control her tears. At the same time, a woman over the P.A. system announced the final boarding call for the flight to New York. Eliza looked back down at him. She licked her lips and rubbed them together, biting the bottom one. She glanced behind her at the line. He knew she was about to leave and he had to do something to keep her from leaving.

Not caring who was around, he reached forward and placed his hand behind her head. He pulled her in quickly and pressed his lips to hers. Surprisingly, she wrapped her arms around his neck as he deepened the kiss. She could feel every emotion he wanted to put into the kiss and then some. One of her hands fell from his neck and grabbed his hand.

She pulled away and turned slightly to grab her suitcase and purse. She still didn’t let go of his hand, and just before she let go, she squeezed his hand and he felt her fingers slip from his. He kept his fist balled, though, around the jump drive she’d placed there.

He watched her walk away, not once looking back, even after she’d handed her ticket over to the airline attendant. She disappeared into the hallway, and Brian remained still for a few more minutes, sure she was pulling his leg, knowing that she’d come back to him.

He looked down at the piece of pink plastic in his hand. She’d scrawled his name on the outside of the case and he looked back at the plane, knowing it was about to take off. Slowly, he turned around and walked back to where his friends were waiting. When he got close enough to them, he could see tears in Katie’s eyes but he just asked Zacky for his laptop. Wordlessly, Zacky handed it over.

Taking the earphones and putting them on, Brian inserted the jump drive, waiting for the menu to pop up. He opened the folder and at least a dozen videos popped up. He double clicked on the first one and was surprised to see the both of them in front of the computer.

He remembered the day very well. It was the day he’d proposed to her, after everyone had left. They’d gone upstairs and Eliza had convinced him to come in front of the camera. She said something about a video diary, and she wanted him to be involved. It hurt his heart to see how close they were, how they couldn’t stop touching and how happy she looked. Finishing the video, he closed out and opened the next one. The next group were the same, some of just her, some of them both, but the one thing that was for sure was the fact that Eliza didn’t seem as happy as the video before.

There were three videos left when Brian really started paying attention. Eliza was sitting on her bed in New York. Her hair was piled on top of her head and she looked tired. The video opened with her scratching the bridge of her nose, over to her eye and he couldn’t but help at the face she was making. Then she started speaking about how she was leaving to visit him and she was nervous.

The next to last video started off and Brian saw her as he had the night before. Her hair was curled, her makeup was still intact, and she had changed out of her dress into pajamas. She said a few words and then music started.

"I'm frightened at night and the wind has a roar. It seeps through the hall and from under the door like the shit that was said. I can't take it that well; I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved. I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far from the point of suspense, we know it should be: the end of that part of our favorite movie when the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand says take me away from this torturous land. ‘Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug. I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave you my trust, like the time that we kissed and you gave me a lie, to add to the scene you pretended to cry. But I'm here and I'm cool, the way that it is, just give me a chance and I'll try to forgive.

And I don't know and I can't guess if we're gonna be OK, but now my last wish is that you do this with me: Kiss me here and hold my hand, let me feel like I'm the only one. I know you can; won't you do it for me now?

I've really had it with the rain of the tears; the predictable storm that has come every year and it sneaks in from shore with a bat in its hand. I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't, you're a thief and a witch but I love you to death. You steal my heart and curse under your breath, but the one thing that I can most willingly prove that when you are gone I'll be fine without you.

And I don't know, and I can't guess if we're gonna be OK, but now my last wish is that you do this with me. Kiss me here and hold my hand, let me feel like I'm the only one. I know you can, won't you do it for me now?

Hold on, hold on, hold on to me..."

Brian leaned back in his seat, exhaling. He’d heard Eliza sing all the time; he’d seen her when she thought no one was listening, he’d seen her while she was singing for just him or for friends and then he’d heard her in front of thousands of people for a concert. The only thing he hadn’t heard, was her sing with as much emotion as she’d put into this one song. The second the song was over, she wiped away a tear and turned off the camera. Then, Brian moved the mouse to the last video.

It was a few minutes later, and Eliza had moved to the balcony of the hotel room. The light from the computer lit up her face as she exhaled smoke from a cigarette.

“I’m not really sure how to say this, Brian. Something inside of me knows you’re not sleeping with the girl on your lap earlier…but the sight of you holding onto her still ate at me. The fact that you didn’t come back to the hotel while I waited for hours for you…didn’t help the situation, either. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do now, Bri. My only option is to go to New York, try my music thing again, and see if some clear air will help me. I know that I love you, but I don’t know if I can be with you right now. Maybe we can work on this again in the future, or maybe we’ll move on, I don’t know.”

She looked like she was about to cry and Brian felt the tears well up in his own eyes. She was struggling for the words and her voice was clogged with emotion.

“There’s not a memory in the past two years, happy or otherwise, that doesn’t have you in it. I wouldn’t have it any other way, either. You were there for me through my struggles with family and with myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is that… I don’t want to break contact from you, but time apart is what we really need. Maybe it’ll help us realize that our priorities are different. You’re a rock star and you’ll always be one, no matter if you want to be or not. I can’t change that, Brian, and I don’t want to. Being a rock star is what makes you who you are. There’s always going to be some fan girl that wants you, or some friend or some stripper that’s always going to be there, wanting you, making me have doubts. I don’t want to have those doubts, Brian.”

By now, Eliza didn’t even attempt to wipe at the tears that were falling down her cheeks and neither did Brian. She stubbed out a cigarette and lit another one.

“I love you, Brian, and I always will. I just think we need some time apart right now. Just know… I won’t stop thinking about you.”

The video ended then, and Brian stared at the screen, her face frozen in sadness. He closed the laptop and took out the jump drive, making sure he kept it close. Zacky sat down beside him.

“We got time for a cigarette before our plane leaves. Wanna go grab one?” he asked.

Brian just nodded. He handed the laptop to Katie, who didn’t say anything. He and Zacky walked silently to the front doors, stepping into the smoking area. Zacky handed him one and he pulled a lighter from his jeans, flicking the tip. With his other hand, he placed the jump drive into his pocket and sniffed.

“Just give it some time, dude,” Zacky said as a way of helping.

It only brought more tears to Brian’s eyes and he slid down the wall into a crouching position. His hands lifted to cover his head and he couldn’t help but openly cry.

Zacky watched as one of his best friends broke down outside of the airport and knew there was nothing he could do about it. He remained silent while Brian cried and only flinched at the anguish cry that came from the crouched, broken man beside him.