Back to the Start

"Yeayea. I'll meet you in twenty minutes."

Twenty. Alright. Should I arrive there early? Late? On time? It feels strange to talk to him again. And to treat him like...just another guy. But we're friends now. I won't go late. I don't want to make him seem like I don't care. He asked us to be friends again. We used to be the best of friends. 

Parking the car in our driveway, I run inside to grab a blanket and head towards the park. By the time I get there, he's already on the swings. "Hey!"

He looks startled. "Oh. Hey Rach! You're here early."

I knew I shouldn't have come early. He probably thinks I'm a loser with no life now. "Uhh, yea. Sorry. I was basically outside my house when you texted. I figured I'd come and lie down for a bit before you came." He knows I'm lying, even I'd he doesn't know why. But I know he'll let it slide this time. 

"Swings or blanket?", he asks gesturing to the blanket in my hand. 

Shrugging, I say, "Whichever." After a pause, I change my mind. "Actually. Blanket."

Getting up, he follows me to a patch of grass under a shady tree. 

"What's wrong Gare?  It's probably been like, not even two hours since you woke up. How has is been a bad day?"

"It wasn't really a bad day. I just...miss someone. Falyn. She's my girlfriend now.  It was a year right before we came back to Arizona for the summer. She's taking classes right now at NYU. Don't even know why. She wants to graduate early I guess. I just...really miss her."

Crap. Crap. Of course he has a girlfriend. How can a perfect guy no share his love. Realize he's waiting for me to say something, I take a deep breath. "Well, tell me about her. I can't help you unless I know more can I?", forcing out a smile. 

Seeing my face, he replies unsurely. "If you're uncomfortable, I totally understand..."

"I want to hear. How've you been and what you've been doing. And the tours of course. How'd you meet her?" I wasn't going to tell him that I knew how his tours were going. It took me two years to stop driving out to every venue I could go to just to see him. I made sure none of them ever saw me. They probably hated me as much as he did for a while. Even when I decided to stay with Nick for a few months, I snuck out to venues to watch them play. 

"Well, if you're sure. We were in New York for the tour right? So we'd been there before, so we decided to check out some record stores. And uhm, I kind of tripped onto her in one of the stores. She was looking for a Ryan Adams LP.  Can you imagine Rachael? A gorgeous girl. Who listens to Ryan Adams. Without having me in her life prior to that. It had to be fate! So I asked her to lunch to make up for practically crushing her."

"Impressive. You didn't even have to wait a year."

"Time and urgency I guess."

"So continue. I know you're not done with your story yet." Looking at him carefully, it hits me that he's not the same awkward nerd I knew and fell in love with as a teenager. He may look almost the same, but he's grown up, and gives off a quietly  confident aura, one that he never used to have. 

"Yea. So I had to take her out. And I did. We had lunch and hung out. Talked about music and stuff. And then I found out that she didn't even LISTEN to us! So that had to be fixed. I invited her to our venue that night. And she did like our music! And I guess I was persistent and we kept in touch despite the tour. And then I asked her officially. Privately though. But a few months in I told fans, and a month-ish ago I surprised her at NYU for our one year." He pauses to take a breath. More quietly this time, "I really do love her. And I miss her so much. She called this morning, and I was sad." After another pause, he asks me, "So Rach, how've you been? Are you still with...uhh, him?"

"No. It...didn't really work out between us. I really am happy for you. She sounds fantastic. And you looked to be in complete bliss when you talked about her."

An absentminded smile stretches across his face. "Yea. She's wonderful and gorgeous inside and out." His mouth turns down as he faced me. "I'm, erhm, sorry about you and Nick," he offered. "Is there...anyone else?"

I shake my head, looking at him through my hair, wondering how he'll react. Surprising me, Garrett pulls me in for a hug. I tense up for a second, but then relax. He smells the same, and we still fit together perfectly. Reluctantly, I pull away. "Thanks Gary."

He perks up and glances at his watch. "I have an acoustic in my car and another half an hour before I need to go. Still can't sing, but you always did have a fantastic voice. Wanna play some songs?"

"Oh. Well, I don't really sing much anymore."

Rolling his eyes at me, he says, "You didn't 'sing much' before either, but we always did." Staring at me with his intense blue eyes, he pleads, "Just a few songs?"

I lean in towards him. Wait. What am I doing? He has a girlfriend. But he doesn't move away. But this isn't right. Stopping before I get too close, I sigh. "Fine."

He jumps up and grabs my hand. "Let's get my guitar then!"

Letting him pull me towards his car, we sit cross-legged on top of his car like we used too, and played Ryan Adams and some old The Maine songs. Why didn't he play any new ones? Maybe he doesn't know them, or thought I wouldn't. But I did realize he steered clear of our song, the one he wrote for me. And I even sung for him. The last time I sang, it was also with him. During a tour break, before we got into one of our little dumb arguments. He loved, and still loves, music so much. But even now, looking back at everything, and understanding why he had to do what he did, I'd still get frustrated. 

Looking at his watch, he says to me, "Rach, I have to go now. Do you want me to drop you off at home, or...?"

"It's not too bad outside today. I'll walk. Thanks though."

"No problem," he responds smiling. "I'd invite you to practice, but Tim has stuff he wants to go over with us today."

Shaking my head vigorously, "Oh no. I wouldn't go if you did. Too much like old times. And they probably hate me more than you do." Oh. Did I just say that out loud?

Garrett looks at me quizzically. "They don't hate you! And I don't either. They were really mad at first when...you know. Especially John. But I'm happy now, and so we've moved on. They'd love to see you I'm sure, but just not today."

Right. "Well, bye Gare. I'll see you around alright?"

"Yea," he calls out after me. "Feel free to text me if you need something. And come hang out with all of us. I wasn't kidding when I said the guys would love to see you."

As soon as I'm out of his sight, I sprint back home. He has a girlfriend. Her name is Falyn. He's beyond content with his life. And my heart hurts. I'd give anything to feel that way again. Like I did when I was with him.