Watching You

“Zenya, I must have a word with you.”

I wanted to ignore him, I really did, but he followed me everywhere I went to grab my attention. My heart had weighed heavy, and the feeling in my stomach did not go away. I hated Loki, or I wanted to hate him. He had harmed me emotionally and physically, draining every ounce of energy that I had. There had been no running away from it. I could not go to any realm to chase away the reality I had in Asgard. I just wanted everything to disappear to before Loki turned into the power hungry being that he was.

“Zenya, please,” he pleaded, and he soon grabbed my hand in a gentle matter to prevent me from walking away from him. We needed to stop what we had, even if it was only one night of my expressing the love I had for him. I knew it was wrong to love both of the brothers, especially when I loved them both for different reasons. Loving Thor because of his compassion, and general kindness towards others. Loving Loki because I have known him for the longest time, that I loved him unconditionally and the pleasure he gave me when we were intimate. Two different reasons, but reasons enough to love them both.

I glanced to Thor, stopping as he slightly pulled me back to a halt. There had been no use fighting against him at this point of time. “What is it?” I questioned, now giving him the attention that he wanted. A sigh escaped his lips, and he let go of my hand.

“We made a horrible mistake,” he told me, and I only let my own sigh escape from my mouth. Though was it a mistake? I am sure that he knew that it was not a simple mistake, as I was completely aware of what we were doing. He had the ability to stop himself if he wanted to considering that I was not forcing him to do what I wanted. It was his own doing, not mine.

I looked away from him for a moment, taking a few steps back. “It was your fault, Thor, you let it happen as well,” I mentioned, looking at him once more. “Loki knows about what happened between us, I went to talk to him this morning to tell him, but he already knew. He is watching me, Thor. I am his, and his alone. He never liked to share his things. I either choose him, or you, and I choose no one,” I told him, and he gave me a look of disbelief. He looked surprised at the words that I chose, but I knew that he knew that I was going to be right in the end.

“You cannot run away from this,” he spoke gently, and then he tried to bring his hand to my cheek, but I moved away from him so he would not reach me.

“Do not touch me,” I warned him, having a stern expression so he would know that I was playing a joke on him. “I cannot be with you, nor I cannot be with Loki. I am breaking apart, and I cannot have both of you here to tug at my heart. I wish I can escape, but I cannot.” I shook my head, turning my back towards the Thunder God.

“You flee from your problems?” Thor questioned, causing me to stop in my tracks once more. I did not want to tell him that I was afraid of what Loki would do. He was still behind bars, but his words could still haunt me. He could keep repeating words in my head to make it seem like things were my fault and my fault only. Loki always had his way of getting in my head when I did not want him to be. “You are only going to be brought down if you do not let me help you, Zenya.”

“I do not need help,” I replied, continuing in my track to leave from Thor. His words meant nothing to me as I walked along, keeping my head held high for added measure to tell him that I was still okay. In truth, I was everything but okay. I just wanted to seem strong to his eyes, and possibly to Loki’s if he were watching me at this very moment.

---

“What is wrong, Zenya?” Sif questioned me in a whisper as I remained quiet amongst the warriors as we sat in a room, having a conversation about vast subjects. They were talking about things such as Loki and the Tesseract. I had no word to trade in the subject, as it was not the topic that I wanted to think of. I had too much of the God, and I simply wanted to cast all thoughts aside.

I looked to my fellow female warrior, and gave her a faint smile. “Nothing is wrong,” I told her as a lie, and her stare gave me an answer to tell me that she knew that I was lying. She always knew if I lied through my teeth, one of the only people besides Loki that could tell that I was telling a lie. After all, I did train with her for the longest of time because we were females amongst men.

A sigh escaped my lips as I looked towards my lap, and I told her, “It is of Loki and Thor.” I trusted her with the information because I knew she would not tell a soul. She was, after all, my most trusted friend amongst the Asgardians, other than Loki (though my trust in him was slowly becoming thin). Quickly I glanced around, making sure that no one would be caught into our conversation and heard things that weren’t supposed to be spoken of. At least the other three warriors were having their own talk about battles, drinking, and other things that interested men. This caught me in relief as I looked to the raven haired warrior once more.

Her expression showed surprised as she sat up in her seat, leaning more towards my direction to give me a better listen. “Loki and Thor? Why do you have thoughts of the two?” she asked in bewilderment.

“I... I do not know how I feel,” I spoke shamelessly as I stared upon my lap, fiddling my thumbs, “I had been in bed with Thor, just a few nights ago. I wanted to know if my feelings for him were true.” Looking to her once more, I noticed that her expression changed to be thoughtfully. Silently I thanked her for not being judgemental about the whole matter, or I would think even more lowly of myself for doing so.

“And what did you establish?”

I bit my bottom lip slightly, not wanting to answer the question, but knew that I needed to speak of it. “I love Thor for different reasons than Loki, but I would fall into Loki’s arms no matter what, even as much as I push him away now,” I replied.

“Perhaps because you know that Loki is still battling an evil within him, that is why you do not feel emotions for him,” she stated, now sitting back in her chair, “You are a smart woman, Zenya, you will figure out where your heart leads in time.” She gave me a reassuring smile, and a small smile crept onto my lips.

“Thank you,” I told her, and she nodded her head as she brought up her glass to drink the red wine that was held inside. I relaxed into my seat, but the thoughts came into my head about the two brothers. What was I to do in this situation? If only the answers came sooner, but I needed to know how I can choose between the two brothers.

All I could do now is wait.