Voices Carry

September 13th

Weeks passed on and summer had finally gone. Fall was here and that’s what Harry feared most. Fall meant that they were one season away from losing Louis. And that’s not something Harry was ready for. That’s something Harry would never be ready for. He tried his best to be brave for Louis, but at times it just wasn’t working.

How did Harry deal with it? He pushed his way more and more into his addiction. He hid it from Louis, of course. He didn’t want Louis to worry about him. Harry just needed a way to cope with the pain.

He just wanted the pain to all go away. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen.

His addiction wasn’t the only thing he was hiding from Louis…

“Are you serious?” She stared at Harry, astonished, not sure if he was joking or not. He had been seeing her for a few weeks now and he thought everything was going okay…but he couldn’t keep leading her on when there was someone else on his mind…

Harry looked to the ground, sighing.

“It’s him, isn’t it?” She motioned her thumb over her shoulder and pointed to Louis who was standing on the porch of Niall’s place.

“Yeah…it is…”

Harry let his head drop as he ran his hands through his hair. He felt weak and vulnerable. He was afraid of the judgment that would carry through the room if she told everyone that she had been dumped for a boy. He could already hear the voices carrying throughout Niall’s house…or were they the voices of judgment and hate in his head?

He rose quickly from his spot on the couch and made his way through the people to the stairs, leading him up to Niall’s bathroom.

“Hey!” Louis grabbed Harry’s hand, stopping him. “Where are you going?”

Harry’s heart starting beating fast as he stared at Louis. Their eyes locked for a second and Harry began to wonder if Louis knew about how he felt. The paranoia was hitting him hard.

“It’s none of your business.” Harry yanked his hand away.

“What’s wrong?” Louis got a bit closer, putting his hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“Leave me alone,” Harry turned away, feeling the blush on his cheeks. He practically ran up the stairs and into the bathroom. He pushed his back to the door and slid down it to the floor.

What are you doing, Styles? Why are you pushing him away?

Harry closed his eyes, hoping that no tears would fall.

He doesn’t love you. He’ll never love you. Don’t let him in.

It was like he had an angel and a devil on his shoulder, telling him which way to lean. He knew that he was right…there was no way Louis loved him. At least, not the way Harry (possibly) wanted it. But he knew he couldn’t keep pushing him away. It was Louis. His best friend. His roommate. His other half. Louis would never let Harry go it alone.



September 20th

“You’re avoiding me…aren’t you?” Harry looked up to see Louis standing in his doorway. He looked away, not sure if he could handle looking at him. His heart was already beating faster than it had in the past few days.

Harry had kept himself locked up in his bedroom. He was torturing himself. He was letting the judgment take over and giving in.

Harry rolled over in bed, his back facing Louis now.

“Did I…” Louis’ voice cracked, making Harry’s heart hurt. “…do something wrong?”

You haven’t done anything wrong. This is my fault. It’s my fault for falling in love with you.

“No…” Harry simply spoke, his voice low and barely audible.

“Well it has to be something!” Louis yelled before realizing he probably shouldn’t have. “Harry…I just don’t understand…”

“You’re right, you don’t…” Harry mumbled.

“Then make me understand. Harry…you’re killing me…”

“What?!” Harry flipped over quickly, his eyes beaming at Louis. He could feel tears starting to form.

“No, not killing me…I guess I should have used a different word. What I mean is you’re driving me INSANE.” Louis crossed his arms, shaking his head at Harry. “You’re my best friend…and I know things have been hard lately, but this isn’t just about me. Harry, I’m worried about you. You don’t normally act like this.”

“How do you want me to act? Do you want me to yell? To cry?” Harry jumped out of bed, getting in Louis’ face. “Do you want me to tell you that I’m scared to death of losing you? That every time I watch you smile I think… ‘How does he keep doing that? How can he be so calm about this?’ I’m going crazy, Louis…”

“Harry…”

“No! I can’t! Louis, I just can’t right now…” Harry pushed past him, but Louis grabbed his arm.

Both of their hearts were racing. They stared intimately at each other, their eyes filled with curiosity.

He doesn’t feel the same way…

Harry’s eyes went wide as he listened to the voices in his head tell him that what he was thinking he should do wasn’t the right thing to do.

“Get out…” Harry pushed Louis’ hands away and stumbled off, gripping his hand on the windowsill.

“Harry?” Louis stared at him, wondering what the hell had just happened. “Harry, what are you-”

“GET OUT!!” Harry screamed, pointing to the door with rage and anger spreading across his face. Louis stared at him, pain and disappointment showing in his eyes.

He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out with a sigh. He shook his head as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.



Harry lied awake, staring at the ceiling, counting each small square that covered it. A razor was next to him on the bed, untouched until he had enough that he couldn’t take it.

Was this right? Was he doing the right thing by pushing Louis away and making him hate him?

Of course it’s the right thing to do. Louis would judge you. Everyone would judge you. He’s better off without you.

“SHUT UP!” Harry cried, throwing his hands up to his head and yanking on his curls. He knew that the voice was right. Everyone would judge him. He was famous; he couldn’t just come out and announce that he was in love with his best friend and band mate. The reporters and paparazzi would be on attack mode in seconds if that happened.

“What do I do…” Harry whispered, dropping his arms back to his side again.

Things were so complicated now. Just a few weeks ago Harry knew none of this. Up until then…Louis was going through this alone.

“He never leaned on me…” A few tears rolled down Harry’s cheeks and he wiped them away quickly. “He didn’t trust me, did he?”

You’re right.

“I know I’m right…”

So what are you going to do about it? Stay here? Keep living with Louis when he didn’t even trust you enough to tell you a secret he’s been keeping for a year?

Harry rolled over, trying his best to not go crazy.

It’s not like you can get rid of me like that. I’m you. I’m everything you’re thinking right now. I don’t go away unless you stop having doubts.

Harry pushed his face into his pillow so he could let out the loudest scream he could without Louis being concerned and come rushing back in the room.

He slammed his fist against the bed, letting out muffled cries and screams so that he could drown out the voices. He wanted it all to stop. He wanted nothing more than to flip a switch and stop thinking these things.

But no matter what he wanted…the doubts and the fear and the judgment wouldn’t leave his mind.

And he was falling apart.



“Harry…I really need to talk to you…”

Louis slowly pushed the door open, his eyes focusing on Harry who was sprawled out across his bed.

His eyes fell upon a razor, inches from Harry’s arm.

Louis walked quickly to the bed, grabbing it and staring at Harry.

“What the hell is this Harry?! Did you cut yourself?!”

“It’s clean, isn’t it?” Harry didn’t look Louis in the eyes; afraid that if he did he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“That’s not the point, Harry. What the hell are you doing with something like this?!” Louis threw it to a corner of the room before climbing into Harry’s bed and leaning over top of him. Harry looked away quickly, but Louis wouldn’t have it. He grabbed Harry’s face by the chin, forcing him to stare into his eyes. “Tell me what’s wrong…” Louis demanded through clenched teeth. Tears were forming in his eyes and his mind was racing with questions as to why Harry was acting like this.

This wasn’t the Harry he fell in love with.

“I can’t…” Harry’s eyes were wide as he stared at Louis, trying his best to break free.

“Stop dodging me!!” Louis screamed as Harry pulled away quickly, standing up and stumbling backwards.

There was silence. Neither of them could say anything.

Harry finally broke the silence.

“I can’t be near you…” His voice was shaky.

Louis rose, slowly walking towards Harry.

“Why? Because I’m dying? Because I lied to you?”

“Because I can’t!” Harry screamed, making Louis stop walking.

“You have to talk to me, Harry…” Louis pleaded. “Harry if you think any of this is your fault…it’s not.”

“You’re wrong,” Harry shook his head, not being able to look at Louis.

“Harry how is this your fault? You didn’t do anything!”

“You should hate me…I can’t save you. I can’t comfort you right. I can’t do anything but fuck up. I should stay away from you. I should leave and never come back.” Harry’s face filled with pain, making Louis even more upset.

“Don’t…Please…I need you. I need you here.” Louis begged. “I don’t hate you…”

“STOP LYING!” Harry slammed against Louis, pushing him against the wall. His arms were placed on each side of Louis’ shoulders, pinning him and trapping him.

They stared at each other, neither of them saying anything.

Harry ignored the voices telling him to stop as he stared at Louis. Their eyes locked, causing all of the fear that Harry was feeling to vanish.

I'm in love with Louis Tomlinson...

“I can’t stay away anymore…” Harry breathed out as he pushed his lips against Louis.