Don't Hesitate

Beyond the steel grey crash barriers and the travellers’ detritus of crisp packets and empty Coke bottles, the lost and found pick-and-mix of takeout boxes, apple cores and soiled nappies, the endless orange horizon stretched out to meet the fading blue sky. It offered unlimited possibilities, infinite ideas and unending freedom as well as a touch of rain in the morning, a cloudy promise it threatened to keep. And it was all flying past the car window at ninety miles an hour, the window which Demi was staring with a lucid smile on her lips. A companionable silence was spread out in the space between Kellin and her which came and went depending on how she rested her hand on the seat, their fingertips occasionally touching, bringing a brief smile to two pairs of tired lips.

The sun was long set as they pulled off the highway heading down towards the town, and as they passed a signpost Demi turned her head towards Kellin and asked,
"How long has your Mom been living down here again?"
"Like, six years. Since the divorce," Kellin murmured, keeping his eyes fixed ahead of him on the road.
Demi's mouth twitched a little but she said nothing else, just smoothed her hands out across her dress and looked out ahead of her as another signpost flew past announcing their arrival in the town.
"What's she gonna think about me?" She asked, biting the corner of her lip a little as she sent a cautious glance Kellin's way, just in time to catch his wry smile as he hit the stirring wheel with the heel of his hand and said honestly,
"Dem, she'll love you just like she always did. She was always bitter we never dated in high school."
"She said that?"
"A couple times. And to Julia."
"To Julia? Well, that explains a lot."
"You were always the measure," Kellin said turning out a smile Demi's way, and she reached over and squeezed his hand in hers, brown eyes flashing amber at the spark that flew up between them that no-one else could see.
"Are you tired?" She asked in a soft voice.
"Nah," Kellin murmured as a yawn descended and pushed his mouth open.
Demi giggled a gave his hand another squeeze. "Thanks for bringing me." Kellin shook his head frantically through the yawn as if to shrug off her comment.
"I wanted you to come," he said. "Needed you to."
Demi nodded back simply because she thought she knew and understood and as the houses rolled past them she looked into the glowing box windows o those kitchens to glimpse families dining late, couples sharing a bottle of wine across the table. She quietly pulled her phone from her pocket and checked the screen which lit up her face in a brief flash of white. Kellin stiffened a little sensing what she was doing but stayed silent.

They swept up the driveway to the well-kept four bed nestled comfortably into suburban bliss with its white walls and its picket fence and young trees. It was just the kind of place you'd bring up kids if the kids hadn't already been brought up.
"It's nice," Demi said, leaning forwards across the dashboard to look up out at the house as Kellin parked up and turned off the ignition. "Very... Carolyn."
"You should see the inside," Kellin said with a small smile, hopping out of the car. "It's like an interior design magazine only less glossy."
"Really."
Kellin opened Demi's door and as he leant down hoping to connect their lips he heard the front door swing open and the crunch of gravel underfoot. He helped her out and turned.
"Honey!" A slight woman with dark hair in a pair of khakis and a sequined t-shirt scurried forwards with arms outstretched, stopped abruptly as Demi shuffled out from behind Kellin offering a timid smile. The woman paused, small frown knitting the brows that had been knitted before judging by the depth of each crease, turning a little to reach a hand out towards the man crunching through the gravel to join her. "Oh- Demi- sweetheart- I wasn't expecting- Kellin didn't say..."
"Mom," Kellin butted in. "Uh- it was kinda last minute..."
"Last-minute? Heavens," she replied.
Demi caught her breath and as a rose blush blossomed on her cheeks she tried to think of something to say.
A tall man appeared suddenly behind Kellin's mother and laid his hands on her shoulders. "Darling," he said.
"Jason," Kellin said.
"Kellin," Demi said.
"Tina, darling, why don't you take Demi inside, I mean you guys must be bushed, Kellin and I, we can bring the bags into the house," the tall guy said after a moment in a clipped, business-like tone ruined by a brief smile, and there was a tense moment where both women looked at each other stiff with apprehension and then they began to walk back towards the house, Demi leaving a respectful step and a half between them, eyes down. She sent a pleading glance Kellin's way but he missed it in favour of following orders, walking around to the boot of the car and opening it aware of the man standing behind him. He pulled out the bags, handed one over, and shut the boot again with a resounding thud.
"You don't hang around," Jason said, looking straight at Kellin making no effort to move forwards.
Kellin said simply, "It's complicated."
"It's always complicated with you kids," the other man said sharply, and then added, "What happened to Julia? I thought you two were serious."
"She was serious."
Jason left out a soft laugh. "The fear of commitment."
"It's not that," Kellin protested, starting to walk towards the door. "It's not that."
"Hmm," Jason murmured, stepping in front of him. "And Demi? I remember her from when your Mom and I started dating. Old flame."
"Old friend."
"Watch yourself," Jason said, stopping on the steps to turn to Kellin. "Just watch yourself." And Kellin didn't know if he was talking about them or girls or the stairs but he was watching himself, that was for sure.

He followed Jason inside with his head a little lowered, cheeks puffing out relief, sure he'd avoided the fire for only a moment or two.
"Mom," he called, looking around the hallway with its familiar photographs, paintings, relics. "Where shall I put our stuff?" A muffled response came his way from the next room and with a sigh he walked into the kitchen find his mother enthusiastically showing her new steamer to Demi.
"Honey, honey, come here, isn't this wonderful, Demi works as a waitress you know, they use these things in their kitchens-"
"I know. Mom," Kellin hissed, but she'd already turned her back in favour of putting a friendly arm around Demi's shoulders instead bending her closer towards the towering set of pans.
"And it's so easy," she was saying, "You just stick some boiling water in here- and it just goes. Just like in your kitchen!"
"Yeah, where I'm at they're kinda bigger," Demi replied brightly, and then as the other woman's face fell, "But sure this is cool, Mrs. L! It's awesome."
"Well you'll see it action soon enough. Sunday I'm making a turkey dinner, and-"
"Mom, please," Kellin muttered, and the petite brunette spun around a shook a finger at him.
"What, Kellin? I'm just making conversation."
"It's fine," Demi said with a warm smile, placing her hand on Tina's arm, and Kellin could see in her eyes that she didn't mind. He pushed out another breath.
"So for your sass young man you can go get the stuff I've left for you in the refrigerator to make you and your girlfriend a sandwich."
Kellin and Demi exchanged an embarrassed smile, fingertips brushing as Kellin walked past towards the fridge and yanked open the door. Jason came in, bellowing a loud yawn, stretching his arms above his head before he slid them down to his belly which he patted expectantly.
"Sweetheart, are you coming to bed?" He asked, looking towards Kellin's mother who was still standing beside Demi, the boxes and the packaging strewn across the counter top. She jumped forwards, blushing, and replied,
"Yes, yes, honey- I'm, yes, coming." She turned around and pressed Demi's hand in hers. "Sweetie, it's so good to see you- I'm so glad, so glad Kellin finally- got the guts to-"
"Mom, God." Kellin poked his head from around the fridge door, his mother hurried towards the door giggling softly to herself, before she spun around again just in front of Jason who took a quick step back. "Oh, and Kellin, I made up the spare bed for Demi, too, I've put my new linen set on, it's Egyptian cotton, four-hundred thread count, really, honey, it's beautiful."
Kellin let the fridge door slam shut, packs of butter and ham and cheese in his arms. "What?"
"Oh really, it's wonderful, I bought it in the sale at-"
"No, I don't- don't mean that," Kellin started, lifting his eyes. "I mean, me and Dem, we can just-"
Demi turned towards them too, "Share," she finished with the smile she appeared to have stolen from Tina who flushed suddenly and pressed her hand against her throat.
"Well, I don't know, honey," she murmured apprehensively.
Kellin opened his mouth.
Jason said, "Uh, Kellin, your mother's decided on the arrangement."
"Jason, with all due respect, we're not fifteen-"
"What would the neighbours think?" Tina asked wide eyed and apprehensive.
"They're not gonna see!" Kellin exclaimed exasperated. "Mom."
"Kellin, you know what I'm comfortable with. You know the limits," she persisted, turning towards the door to leave.
"Hello, I'm twenty-four!" He yelled. "I have an apartment and a car and a band!"
His mother's gently waving hand disappeared out of view and then there was the sound of two pairs of feet treading boards up the stairs, and Kellin turned to Demi and said,
"I can't."
"It's OK."
Shaking his head he turned to the counter top and start to open the packets. "They're ridiculous."
"I think it's cute," Demi smiled, walking up to wrap her arms around him from behind. "My Mom would never have even cared. At least yours does."
"Mm," Kellin murmured, nibbling at his lip. "That's the issue." Demi rested her cheek on the back of his shoulder and he was quiet for a moment longer until he said, "I mean, I have to tell her. About everything that's happened."
Demi lifted her head. "About me?"
"About Julia," Kellin said, pushing his hand down onto the counter. "About the fact I'm having a kid. How?"
"Hey," Demi said in a soft soothing voice, picking up the slice of bread he'd just stopped buttering and doing it herself. "Hey, can think on it. You've got time."
"Two days."
"You'll figure it out," she said, trailing the fingertips of her free hand up his arm. "Let's just take our time."
Kellin grinned and leaned down to peck Demi's lips. "Thanks," he murmured, heavy lidded and breathless.
"You're welcome," she said, kissing the side of his mouth before she turned away and snapped, "Now come on, let's do this, I'm hungry."
Kellin laughed and they stood there in the middle of the kitchen spot-lit with bright lemon yellow lights making food and cuddling and eating the food and cuddling some more, getting distracted by the magazines spread about, the unknown objects, the specific details of somebody's else's world, charmed as most people are by the intimate glimpse into two peoples' lives so different from their own. Kellin knew the spacious three-storey was different from what Demi had known but didn't like to draw attention to it.

After a while, once the sound of the shower from upstairs had long died down, once the occasional creak of floorboards up ahead had ceased they crept upstairs, Kellin feeling his way along the dark corridor with one hand along the wall, stifling laughter as he did. Light flooded the corridor suddenly and his mother emerged from the bathroom smiling sleepily.
"Goodnight honey," she said, lifting her hand in a gentle wave, and Demi paused for a moment before she dived into the room she'd been allocated, sending a rueful glance Kellin's way. The door shut with a click, his mother disappeared into her room, and he let out a deep sigh into the silence before he wandered into his bedroom, being welcomed by the glow of the lamp in the corner.

He smiled, walking over to the shelf in the corner where the memoirs of his teenage years were collected; comic books, junk novels, dusty cassette tapes, broken CD cases, playing cards, gig tickets. His old CD player was tucked into one corner and with a reflective half-smile he tentatively turned it on, and after a second the digital screen kicked green into life, grinned two boxy numbers. He slid his hand down to the white triangle pointing right towards a roomful of music and pressed play before the space was filled with low strumming guitars and the scratchy vocals of the Goo Goo Dolls.

He hummed along and began to undress, rocking back and forth in the space between the CD player and the foot of the bed.
He heaved a tired sigh and gave a yawn, pushing the balls of his hands into the sockets of his tired eyes as he lifted his face towards the ceiling. A floorboard moaned beneath him. Another grumbled in response. He looked up to see the door sweep open and closed and a slender figure slip through the brief gap that was offered between door and frame.
He inhaled through his nose. Demi put a finger to her lips, her eyes bright amber with humour as she tip-toed up to him. He turned to switch off the music but Demi caught his arm and shook her head. "That way your Mom won't hear us," she smirked, threading her hands through his hair. "And besides," she said, "I like this song." A round dark shadow appeared in the pillow of her lip as her teeth settled in above and Kellin squeezed it out by pressing his mouth against hers, overwhelmed with the warmth that exploded in his chest.
He ran his hands down her back, pushing her body into his, and there was nothing between his warm fingers and the rest of her except a thin vest and her underwear. His whole body trembled with anticipation.
"This was," he said in between kisses, "the first song," he pushed down the strap of her top, "I ever," he ran his fingertips up her spine and pulled it clean over her head, "learned to sing."
Demi hooked her fingers around his belt. "I remember," she said, grazing her wet lips over his, eyes shining as she started to unbuckle it. "I heard you," she smiled, pushing each end away from the other, "this one time." She loosened the button of his jeans. "Singing in your room, you didn't know," she hastily dragged the zipper down and away from the solid heat, "didn't know I was there. You sounded..."
Kellin kissed her again, holding her there with one hand gripping the back of her head, pressure building in his chest where she was placing her hands just like he wanted her to.
"You sounded so sad," she managed beneath his mouth, gasping as he pushed her panties down her hips, fingertips grazing her thighs, skimming the wet gap that had come in here begging for his touch. "I wanted to make you happy," she whispered, working down his boxers.
They were wound up arms and legs falling onto the bed and hair tumbling across his face and Kellin repeated, "Make me happy."
"Uh-huh," Demi confirmed in a thick voice choked with longing, reaching for him as he brushed her hands away and brought his head down to her neck where he smothered her skin with kisses. "And I didn't," she said breathlessly as he pushed her legs apart and made his way there, added, "Do anything," finished with a gasp as he seized her hips in his hands and entered her.
A simultaneous moan of relief and they buried themselves in the rhythm, the feeling, the emotion pulling their two bodies together, clean torsos which glistened with sweat sliding across frantic muscles, rolling down limbs inked black and shaking and the whole time working, working towards the moment when space might cease or time might fail and the euphoria would be forever, endless stretching into rooms of stars and plains where tension screamed and broke.
Kellin could feel the wetness and the rhythmic sobbing against his shoulder as he pulled back and relaxed the body which had been clinging to his against the bed. He kissed Demi's smiling face streaked with tears, feeling his throat full of throbbing emotion like he was sure hers must have been. The song had changed.
She whispered, "Oh, my God."
Kellin stroked her damp hair from her face, curling his body over hers protecting it from the cold black night air. "What makes me happy," he murmured, his face so close their fluttering eyelids might meet, "Is you breathing." He threw out an arm, reared back to pull the covers over them before he lay back and let her shuffle against him. "You being here is," he murmured unfinished into her hair as she laid her head on his chest where he could feel the edge of her tooth as she grinned full-smile. Her breast was pressed delightfully against his ribcage. "This," he said.
Once the CD had finished they fell asleep and dreamt of nothing else but repetition, and that song went round and round twisted into their dreams.
When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.