She Will Be Loved

I woke up crying. Is it weird to be worried? About Allison I mean. It’s been a while, and they haven’t found me. I guessed it would happen. Does she even care about what she’s made me? I can actually answer that. No. I had spent my entire life being whatever she wanted me to be. Now because of it I have no clue who I am. I don’t know anymore. I never knew. I never had friends either, so being with Lizzy, James, Mitchie, Marcus, Nicky, Johnny, Charlotte, and Erik was a real change for me. I never, EVER, trusted people of the male gender after Allison. NEVER. So, it must be a lot that I actually trust Erik and James and the guys. I got up out of the bed and walked to bathroom and stared in the mirror. What do they see in me? Repeated in my mind. I don’t even know what I see in me. I continued to stare at the stranger who stared back. She was beautiful, but she was hurting. She was hurting bad. I just want to find somewhere I belong. I told myself over and over that it doesn’t matter. Honestly though, I just couldn’t believe it. It mattered to me. It mattered…
Erik came up to the bathroom. “Joslin? You okay?” when I didn’t answer right away, he asked again. “Are you okay in there Joslin?” Again I didn’t answer. So he came in. Lucky for me I didn’t have my cover up on. Heavy sarcasm used here.
“Hey…” I mumbled lamely. I forced a smile onto my lips. He stared at my reflection.
“Joslin...” He walked up to me and his fingers lightly brushed my face from the bottom of my eye, where the bruising started, and to my cheekbone, where the bruise ended. I grabbed his hand gently. Since he was going to know, he should see them all. I guided his hand to lift up my shirt sleeve. He saw the bruise that covered from the top of my shoulder to just above my upper arm. I lifted the bottom of my shirt and I saw the horror in his eyes. He saw the bruise that covered my side, and trailed down onto my hip. What made this bearable, having him know and see, was that I never looked away from his eyes. Even though he looked like he was about to cry, it made it bearable, it reminded me of how much he makes me smile.
“Did your mom…?” hurt me? Sell me into prostitution? Ruin my sanity? Become the reason I can’t trust anyone? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But he didn’t ask that. “Did she do this to you?” I hadn’t thought of that one. And in a way, she did do this to me.
“Kind of.”
Before he could say anything else, the doorbell rang. James and Lizzy were supposed to come over today. That was probably them. Erik went to go get the door, and I floated off to my room. I changed into some of the clothes they brought me the other day. I picked out a green tank top, some jean shorts, and my treasured black converse. I put the cover up on and I ran down the stairs and hugged Lizzy. I gave James a little hug too. We all started talking and laughing again as if what happened in the bathroom never did happen. I got a few questioning glances, but mostly it was all good.
When Lizzy and Erik went into the kitchen to make lunch, (I woke up at 1o by the way) James and I were left sitting alone in the living room.
“You okay?” here we go…. My smile faded and I stared at my feet.
“Yeah… I’m great.” I couldn’t tell how my voice sounded, I was pretty focused on a smudge on my shoe.
“You can tell me anything Joslin, but I won’t force you to.” I sat there for a long moment thinking about it. I decided to trust him.
“Let’s go somewhere more private…” I got up and started walking to the back of the house into the sitting room, he was following me. As we walked down the hall, I heard Erik and Lizzy laughing and playfully arguing about what to make.
We sat down on the small couch. He looked at me waiting for explanation. This would be hard, and this would be the first time I had to tell anyone about my past, about Allison, and about how I’ve ever felt. Except it’s the truth about it this time.
“My uh, my mom… well, I don’t even call her mom. I call her Allison. She’s never been a mother to me. My dad, whose name I don’t even know, left us a week after my fifth birthday.” James sat quietly, watching me, and listening intently. “Allison was yelling at him when he left. He never came back. Allison has always pushed me to be whatever she wanted me to be after that. She uh, she worked as a prostitute since my dad left us. She would come home late, and every time it was with a different person, or one of the same clients. She’d lock me in the closet until it was over. After I turned nine…” I started to choke on my own words. I felt my eyes burning, and I knew I would cry. “After I turned nine, she started to lock me in my room with some of her clients. She’d let them do whatever they wanted with me, just for some extra cash. She started to sell me for her price, for hours on end I would scream in my room, hoping someone in a neighboring apartment would hear me and come help me. No one came.” Here it came. The tears. But I still droned on talking, and he continued listening.
“They hurt me, they beat me. A few times I screamed out for my dad in desperation, and I knew he wasn’t coming. I knew he couldn’t hear me. I still screamed for him. I banged and clawed at the door. As I got older, I realized there was no use in fighting. It was going to happen, they were going to hurt me, they were going to use me, and they were stronger than me. So I gave up trying. I tried so hard to be what Allison wanted, and at the same time I tried so hard to stop it. I don’t know who I am. I never have known. For three years… three years I’ve been a cutter. When I ran away I tried to stop. I felt so lost and alone. My scars are all on my thighs. There were so many on my arms, but they all faded away. I, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m sorry.” I fell forward but he caught me in his arms and we were sitting on the floor now.
“Don’t be sorry. You were lost. You never knew how to handle that kind of pain. It’s okay Joslin. You’re okay now. I’ve got you.” He did. He held me in his arms as I cried.
“I ran away last week. Erik found me in an alley. He was the first person who made me feel like I mattered.” I swallowed, hard. My sobbing gradually became less violent. “He found me three days after I ran away. A lady came up to me and asked if I needed any prayer, I didn’t talk to her, I looked at her and walked away. People offered to help me, but I refused to talk to them. Why was Erik the one person that actually got my attention?”
“I don’t know. I think you could tell, I think you knew that he actually cared. Whatever they’ve done to you, your mom and those guys, it’s the past. Today is a new day. And Erik, he’s always going to be there. So will Liz and I. And know this, if anyone ever touches you against your will again,” James voice started rising. “I will kick the living shit out of them!” He looked in my eyes. He has amazing ocean blue eyes, but they still couldn’t compare to Erik’s. James was still holding me.
“Guys!! Lunch is ready!” We heard Lizzy calling through the enormous house.
“Thank you James. Really, thanks for all of this.” I smiled odd enough. We got up and ran to the kitchen. Erik looked at me, and I knew he was asking me if I was okay.
I gave him a smile. He smiled his gorgeous smile, and his melting brown eyes softened. He got the message. James was right. Whatever happened in the past was exactly that, in the past. It doesn’t matter.