Status: i wrote this story in 6 hours.. and i haven't written a story/chapter/anything related to a story in 2 years :( damn exams... anyway, hope it's not too bad :P
Love's Decisions
Slipping into darkness
*two weeks later*
I felt my heart pounding in my ears as I crouched on the floor. I didn’t know how to breathe, how to let the tears out, how to swallow. I didn’t know what to do except crouch in a ball and hold myself in order to not shatter into a million pieces. I felt my breathing was ragged as I tried to collect myself. I felt the darkness overwhelming me.
*earlier that day*
It was around midday. I’d just gotten out of bed, and walked clumsily to the great hall. I got lost a few times on the way there. All the crying and heart break had really taken it out of me. I was in a corridor when I saw Blaise. I’d tried avoiding him and Draco, but I was busted now. I walked slowly towards him, with the intention of walking past him, but he didn’t allow that to happen. He held onto my upper arm and pulled me back to face him
“Kara-”
“I know Blaise. I know. I’m selfish and I’m a bitch and I’m messing with your life. But how am I supposed to make a decision like this, Blaise, how?!” I snapped, feeling vulnerable. Blaise frowned as he took it in
“I was going to ask if you were ok. You looked lost. There’s no need to snap at me” he hissed. I absorbed this information and felt the colour drain from my face
“I… I’m…”
“You know Kara you think this is only hard for you?! I have to fight with my best friend for you. I gave up everything for you. I was the only one that accepted you, that was there for you! And you used me! And now you’re acting like I’m a burden, like I’m some annoying pest that won’t leave you! At least I’m not heartless. At least when I love someone, I fight for them instead of messing around with another person. I know what I want and I’m not afraid to go after it. I’ve been rejected by you so many times and yet here I am, like a fool, still waiting for you. While you’re off on broomsticks kissing Draco and sneaking around in corridors. You think I don’t know that? The entire school knows that! You’ve humiliated me time and time again, and yet here I am, waiting for you again. Still caring about you. Because love sucks. Because I don’t choose who I love, and I’m stuck being in love with you. And you don’t even care, just as long as you have your fun with me and Draco. I’m sick of you acting like the poor little victim all the time. You’re the one that has two men that are madly in love with you chasing after you! You’re the one that gets to make the decision. You’re the one that has the choice, while we wait helplessly. I’m sure it must be tiring to have two perfectly satisfying men chasing after you day and night. I’m sure it must be a drag to string us both along for weeks on end. I’m sure that you have to make such a big drama about it and skip out on lessons and run away from us and act like a frieking princess all because you can’t make a decision. Grow up Kara, this is the real world. You choose one guy and you move on. You don’t sit there acting all prissy and expect everything to fall into your lap” Blaise spat, before pushing past me. I felt my breathing dragging as I gasped quickly over and over again, my lips parted as the tears fell.
I shut my eyes to push the pain away, and when I opened them again, Draco was standing in front of me, looking confused
“Don’t do this Draco. Not now. I don’t need to deal with this cr*p right now!” I screamed, pulling out of his reach
“What did I do?” he asked, seeming angry already
“I DON’T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW, DON’T YOU GET THAT?!” I screamed. Draco looked furious
“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. STOP BEING SO HORMONAL ALL THE TIME. I’VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU ALL THIS TIME. I HAVEN’T RUSHED YOU. I’VE BEARED WITH YOU, AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SHOUT AT ME WHEN I TRY TO HELP YOU. IT’S NOT EASY BEING SECOND PLACE. IT’S NOT EASY KNOWING THAT YOU LOVE BLAISE AND NOT ME. IT’S NOT EASY KNOWING THAT HE GOT YOU FIRST. I TRY TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN FOR YOU AND TO THIS DAY I HAVEN’T SAID JUST MAKE A DECISION OR I’M OUT. I’VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO SHOW ME GRATITUDE. IF YOU REALLY CAN’T DECIDE THEN GO. GO WITH BLAISE”
“I DIDN’T SAY I WANTED BLAISE. DAMN IT DRACO DON’T YOU REALISE THAT THIS IS TEARING ME UP?”
“YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING HERE? I’VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT A GIRL. I’VE NEVER FELT MYSELF BLANK OUT FROM THE WORLD IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE I SUDDENLY START THINKING ABOUT A GIRL BEFORE. I’VE NEVER GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WONDERING IF YOU’RE OK WITH ANY OTHER GIRL”
“YOU THINK I DON’T APPRIECIATE THAT? I JUST NEED SOME SPACE”
“SPACE?! YOU’VE BEEN STRINGING ME ALONG FOR OVER TWO MONTHS NOW. HOW MUCH FRIEKING SPACE DO YOU NEED BEFORE YOU CHOOSE?”
“I DON’T KNOW. I JUST DON’T KNOW. I DON’T WANT TO CHOOSE”
“FINE, THEN FUCKING LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT EITHER ONE OF US. I’M SICK OF THIS” Draco spat, before storming past me.
I felt my heart pounding in my ears as I crouched on the floor. I didn’t know how to breathe, how to let the tears out, how to swallow. I didn’t know what to do except crouch in a ball and hold myself in order to not shatter into a million pieces. I felt my breathing was ragged as I tried to collect myself. I felt the darkness overwhelming me.
I didn’t know what I was doing. My feet were just leading me somewhere. I shut my eyes and let myself be led there. It seemed like I was away from the corridor where all the commotion had happened, and near the lake outside in a matter of seconds. I walked into the ledge near the black river and looked out at it. It seemed so… serene. Like there were no complications, nothing at all down there. Like anything down there had no problems at all. I dipped a toe into the lake and felt the icy cold water. It felt good. It felt refreshing. It felt like it would wash away all my pain.
And without knowing it, I felt myself falling into the lake. My arms went out as I sunk deeper inside. My eyes opened to embrace the blackness of the water. The sound was blocked out, and everything felt calm. I was right. This was peaceful. This was where I wanted to be.
I felt my head feeling foggy. It didn’t really occur to me that I needed air. Down here, I felt like I didn’t need anything. Like my body was separate to my soul. Like there was no physical or emotional pain down here. Just serenity. It felt so peaceful that I felt like sleeping. My eyes drooped as I felt the peace surrounding me, devouring me. I felt something clasping around my upper arm, and pulling me. My eyes were opening and closing, undecided. Whatever was pulling me towards the surface of the water was disturbing the peace. But my body felt heavy, like I couldn’t fight it away. I broke the surface of the water, and everything rushed back to me. I realized that I couldn’t breathe, and felt like I was clogged up in every crevice of my body. A blonde figure pulled me onto the ledge and placed my head in his lap. I looked up to see Draco looking at me frantically, pressing onto my chest to pump out the water in my lungs. I smiled as I looked up at him. There was something attractive about him. Something enticing. It was a different sort of beauty. It wasn’t conventional. He was pale and thin, and he hid behind Crabbe and Goyle often. Not exactly a classic hero. But there was something there. I felt his lips against mine as he blew air into my mouth, before pumping my chest again. I heard his words slower than he actually said them.
“No, no, no Kara no. Breathe Kara, please just breathe. Come on you can’t do this. Please, breathe” they were getting slower and deeper as my eyelids felt heavier. And then I felt the darkness envelope me.
I felt my heart pounding in my ears as I crouched on the floor. I didn’t know how to breathe, how to let the tears out, how to swallow. I didn’t know what to do except crouch in a ball and hold myself in order to not shatter into a million pieces. I felt my breathing was ragged as I tried to collect myself. I felt the darkness overwhelming me.
*earlier that day*
It was around midday. I’d just gotten out of bed, and walked clumsily to the great hall. I got lost a few times on the way there. All the crying and heart break had really taken it out of me. I was in a corridor when I saw Blaise. I’d tried avoiding him and Draco, but I was busted now. I walked slowly towards him, with the intention of walking past him, but he didn’t allow that to happen. He held onto my upper arm and pulled me back to face him
“Kara-”
“I know Blaise. I know. I’m selfish and I’m a bitch and I’m messing with your life. But how am I supposed to make a decision like this, Blaise, how?!” I snapped, feeling vulnerable. Blaise frowned as he took it in
“I was going to ask if you were ok. You looked lost. There’s no need to snap at me” he hissed. I absorbed this information and felt the colour drain from my face
“I… I’m…”
“You know Kara you think this is only hard for you?! I have to fight with my best friend for you. I gave up everything for you. I was the only one that accepted you, that was there for you! And you used me! And now you’re acting like I’m a burden, like I’m some annoying pest that won’t leave you! At least I’m not heartless. At least when I love someone, I fight for them instead of messing around with another person. I know what I want and I’m not afraid to go after it. I’ve been rejected by you so many times and yet here I am, like a fool, still waiting for you. While you’re off on broomsticks kissing Draco and sneaking around in corridors. You think I don’t know that? The entire school knows that! You’ve humiliated me time and time again, and yet here I am, waiting for you again. Still caring about you. Because love sucks. Because I don’t choose who I love, and I’m stuck being in love with you. And you don’t even care, just as long as you have your fun with me and Draco. I’m sick of you acting like the poor little victim all the time. You’re the one that has two men that are madly in love with you chasing after you! You’re the one that gets to make the decision. You’re the one that has the choice, while we wait helplessly. I’m sure it must be tiring to have two perfectly satisfying men chasing after you day and night. I’m sure it must be a drag to string us both along for weeks on end. I’m sure that you have to make such a big drama about it and skip out on lessons and run away from us and act like a frieking princess all because you can’t make a decision. Grow up Kara, this is the real world. You choose one guy and you move on. You don’t sit there acting all prissy and expect everything to fall into your lap” Blaise spat, before pushing past me. I felt my breathing dragging as I gasped quickly over and over again, my lips parted as the tears fell.
I shut my eyes to push the pain away, and when I opened them again, Draco was standing in front of me, looking confused
“Don’t do this Draco. Not now. I don’t need to deal with this cr*p right now!” I screamed, pulling out of his reach
“What did I do?” he asked, seeming angry already
“I DON’T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW, DON’T YOU GET THAT?!” I screamed. Draco looked furious
“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING. STOP BEING SO HORMONAL ALL THE TIME. I’VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU ALL THIS TIME. I HAVEN’T RUSHED YOU. I’VE BEARED WITH YOU, AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SHOUT AT ME WHEN I TRY TO HELP YOU. IT’S NOT EASY BEING SECOND PLACE. IT’S NOT EASY KNOWING THAT YOU LOVE BLAISE AND NOT ME. IT’S NOT EASY KNOWING THAT HE GOT YOU FIRST. I TRY TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN FOR YOU AND TO THIS DAY I HAVEN’T SAID JUST MAKE A DECISION OR I’M OUT. I’VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO SHOW ME GRATITUDE. IF YOU REALLY CAN’T DECIDE THEN GO. GO WITH BLAISE”
“I DIDN’T SAY I WANTED BLAISE. DAMN IT DRACO DON’T YOU REALISE THAT THIS IS TEARING ME UP?”
“YOU THINK YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING HERE? I’VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT A GIRL. I’VE NEVER FELT MYSELF BLANK OUT FROM THE WORLD IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE I SUDDENLY START THINKING ABOUT A GIRL BEFORE. I’VE NEVER GOTTEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WONDERING IF YOU’RE OK WITH ANY OTHER GIRL”
“YOU THINK I DON’T APPRIECIATE THAT? I JUST NEED SOME SPACE”
“SPACE?! YOU’VE BEEN STRINGING ME ALONG FOR OVER TWO MONTHS NOW. HOW MUCH FRIEKING SPACE DO YOU NEED BEFORE YOU CHOOSE?”
“I DON’T KNOW. I JUST DON’T KNOW. I DON’T WANT TO CHOOSE”
“FINE, THEN FUCKING LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT EITHER ONE OF US. I’M SICK OF THIS” Draco spat, before storming past me.
I felt my heart pounding in my ears as I crouched on the floor. I didn’t know how to breathe, how to let the tears out, how to swallow. I didn’t know what to do except crouch in a ball and hold myself in order to not shatter into a million pieces. I felt my breathing was ragged as I tried to collect myself. I felt the darkness overwhelming me.
I didn’t know what I was doing. My feet were just leading me somewhere. I shut my eyes and let myself be led there. It seemed like I was away from the corridor where all the commotion had happened, and near the lake outside in a matter of seconds. I walked into the ledge near the black river and looked out at it. It seemed so… serene. Like there were no complications, nothing at all down there. Like anything down there had no problems at all. I dipped a toe into the lake and felt the icy cold water. It felt good. It felt refreshing. It felt like it would wash away all my pain.
And without knowing it, I felt myself falling into the lake. My arms went out as I sunk deeper inside. My eyes opened to embrace the blackness of the water. The sound was blocked out, and everything felt calm. I was right. This was peaceful. This was where I wanted to be.
I felt my head feeling foggy. It didn’t really occur to me that I needed air. Down here, I felt like I didn’t need anything. Like my body was separate to my soul. Like there was no physical or emotional pain down here. Just serenity. It felt so peaceful that I felt like sleeping. My eyes drooped as I felt the peace surrounding me, devouring me. I felt something clasping around my upper arm, and pulling me. My eyes were opening and closing, undecided. Whatever was pulling me towards the surface of the water was disturbing the peace. But my body felt heavy, like I couldn’t fight it away. I broke the surface of the water, and everything rushed back to me. I realized that I couldn’t breathe, and felt like I was clogged up in every crevice of my body. A blonde figure pulled me onto the ledge and placed my head in his lap. I looked up to see Draco looking at me frantically, pressing onto my chest to pump out the water in my lungs. I smiled as I looked up at him. There was something attractive about him. Something enticing. It was a different sort of beauty. It wasn’t conventional. He was pale and thin, and he hid behind Crabbe and Goyle often. Not exactly a classic hero. But there was something there. I felt his lips against mine as he blew air into my mouth, before pumping my chest again. I heard his words slower than he actually said them.
“No, no, no Kara no. Breathe Kara, please just breathe. Come on you can’t do this. Please, breathe” they were getting slower and deeper as my eyelids felt heavier. And then I felt the darkness envelope me.