Status: Active
You End, I Begin
but now I know you could only love yourself
I had told James I was coming home but asked him not to tell mom or anyone else as I wanted to surprise her. As I walked out of the airport terminal with my weekend bag, I found the first cab I could and climbed in. I relaxed into the seat as I told the driver the address and watched the streets of Phoenix fly past outside. For the first time in a long time, it felt good to be home. The sun was shining down on the streets of my hometown and it made everything look somewhat perfect.
“Coming home or visiting?” the cab driver asked as he continued to drive.
“Excuse me?” I asked, as he snapped me out of my thoughts as I stared out of the window. I turned to look forward and saw him glance at me in the rear view mirror.
“Are you coming home after a trip away or visiting the city?” he repeated his question.
“Oh, a bit of both really,” I smiled. “I grew up ere and my family still live here but I live in LA now. I’m back for the weekend to visit someone though.”
“I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you.” he commented.
“He doesn’t even know I’m coming yet.”
“Well, he’s a very lucky guy. It’s nice that you’re surprising him,” he said. “Ah, young love.”
“Oh no, it’s not like that really,” I told him. It was then I realised the car was stopping and I was home again. “Can I ask a question?”
“Go ahead,” he turned and smiled.
“Amy I crazy for coming and chasing a guy who may or may not be interested in me? I mean, I’m not even sure how I feel about him myself.”
“That’s not crazy,” he told me. “But if you’re wondering how you feel about him, well, you’re here, aren’t you? That’s gotta mean something, so I think that answers that for you.”
“I guess it does,” I smiled. I pulled out my money and handed it over to the driver. “Thank you for that, I needed it.”
“No problem, young lady,” he said, as I opened the door and got out. He then opened his window. “If he doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have you in his life, then he’s the crazy one!”
I let out a slight laugh and walked towards the house as he drove off. I knocked on the door and a few moments later, it opened to reveal my mom’s shocked face.
“Abby?! What are you doing here?” she asked.
“SURPRISE! I came to visit for the weekend!” I told her.
After catching up wit my mom quickly, I put my bag upstairs and pulled out my phone.
To: Joel
Hey, I’m back in Phoenix for the weekend. Are you free to meet up?
I sent the message before I could change my mind. It had been so long since Joel and I had spent any time together in person and I was nervous. I didn’t want it to be awkward, but I couldn't see it being easy. Not expecting a quick reply, I slid my phone into my pocket and went back downstairs. As me and my mom continued to chat, we sat in the living room and I noticed how far she’d coming in the couple of weeks that I’d been back in Los Angeles. She was completely back to her usual self, but it was nice to see her relaxed again.
It was about twenty minutes later when my phone went off and I pulled it out of my pocket.
From: Joel
Hi! I am free and would love to see you. What did you want to do? :)
I smiled at his reply and proceeded to start a new message to him.
“Who’s got you smiling?” my mom asked. “Ooh, is it a boy? Are you a hiding a someone in LA from me?”
“No, mom. It is a boy, but he’s actually right here in Phoenix,” I told her.
“So that’s the reason you came home. It’s not really to see your old mother!”
“You know that’s not true,” I explained. “I just thought that, you know, since I’m home and all.”
“Whatever, sweetheart,” she smiled. “If he makes you happy then it’s fine by me.”
To: Joel
Coffee? Know of any good spots? ;)
From: Joel
I can think of one! Haha. 3 tomorrow? I’ll come pick you up.
To: Joel
Sounds perfect. See you then!
---------
Sure enough, the next day at 3 o’clock, Joel pulled up outside. I walked out the house and he got out of his car and made his way up the drive.
“You didn’t need to get out,” I smiled, as we walked towards each.
“What can I say, I’m a gentleman, or I at least try,” he shrugged. “Hi Abby,” he smiled back.
“Hi Joel,” I said, as we met and he wrapped his arms around me.
“It’s so good to see you,” he breathed, as we hugged. “Come on, I think we’re about 5 years overdue for this coffee,” he laughed as we walked to his car.
We made small talk as he drove to the coffee shop. It was the same coffee shop we used to go to as it was our favourite back then.
“Jeez, I haven’t been here in forever,” I commented, as we walked in. They had redecorated since I’d last been in, which was expected, but it still smelt exactly the same.
“Me either,” Joel said. “When we stopped coming here together, I kinda just stopped coming here.”
“That literally feels like a lifetime ago,” I said.
“It kinda was,” he said, as we ordered our drinks. Sitting down outside, I realised I had no idea what me and Joel were going to talk about. “Do you remember the night we all went bowling?” he asked, continuing the conversation.
“You mean the night I kicked you ass?”
“Yeah, whatever,” he huffed. “You made a lovely impression on my friend Kevin that night,” he said, sarcastically.
“He was a dick,” I said.
“We should do that again sometime,” he suggested. “Maybe without Kevin and Carlie this time.”
“Are you asking me on date, Joel Kanitz?”
“Isn’t that what this is?” he asked.
“You tell me,” I said, raising my eyebrows. He stared back at me without saying a word and finally shook his head and looked down into his coffee cup. “Do you ever see her?”
“Who?”
“Carlie.”
“Nope. Not in about 3 and a half years now. Rumor has it that she moved away, I don’t really know where to and I don’t really care,” he said, bluntly. After that, we both didn’t mention her anymore, it was easier not to.
As we continued to chat, people walked past where we were sat, I would occasionally watch some, as they went about their own lives. One old lady stopped in front of us.
“Don’t you two make a sweet couple?” she smiled.
“Thanks but we’re not together,” I explained, quickly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, you just looked so lovely together,” she said, before walking on.
“Well, you were certainly quick to correct her,” Joel stated. “Is the idea of being with me that bad?”
“No, it’s not that, it’s just-I don’t know, I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to,” he said, placing his hand over mind on the table. “Just know that I’m always here.”
I looked down at his hand and then up at his gaze before looking away.
“You can’t be the hero this time, Joel,” I told him, shaking off his grip.
“I’m not trying to be the hero, I’m just trying to be the guy I should have been for you a long time ago,” he said.
“Well, you weren’t that guy, were you? I moved away, things changed and nothing is the same,” my voice got louder as I spoke. “And now I keep coming back here and parts of me want to become the old Abby, the one that went unnoticed, but I can’t. And I can’t continue being this new person I’ve become but I know people here won’t accept that.”
“Abby, that’s not what this is about, is it?” he asked.
I shook my head, “I just don’t know anymore.”
After a while of silence, Joel finally spoke again. “What are you so scared of?” he asked.
“Being myself,” I told him.
“Why?”
“Why not?” I questioned. “People are so quick to judge a person’s character, so what’s the point of even trying?”
“Because it’s about being true to yourself, the person you were born to be,” he said, softly.
“And what if the person I was born to be isn’t worth being?”
“Well, that’s never true,” he smiled. “Everyone should be proud of being who they are.”
“And what about everyone else?”
“Who gives a fuck about everyone else?” he said. “If they don’t like it, that’s their problem.”
“Exactly my point,” I told him.
“No, that’s not the point. Why do you care so much about what other people think?”
“I don’t know, don’t you?”
“No, I mean, have you ever heard that saying, ‘those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter’?” he asked. “I kinda like to live by that saying, I guess.”
“Dr Seuss, right?” I smiled.
“So you do know it,” he smiled back. “Now try believing it.”
“Coming home or visiting?” the cab driver asked as he continued to drive.
“Excuse me?” I asked, as he snapped me out of my thoughts as I stared out of the window. I turned to look forward and saw him glance at me in the rear view mirror.
“Are you coming home after a trip away or visiting the city?” he repeated his question.
“Oh, a bit of both really,” I smiled. “I grew up ere and my family still live here but I live in LA now. I’m back for the weekend to visit someone though.”
“I’m sure they’ll be happy to see you.” he commented.
“He doesn’t even know I’m coming yet.”
“Well, he’s a very lucky guy. It’s nice that you’re surprising him,” he said. “Ah, young love.”
“Oh no, it’s not like that really,” I told him. It was then I realised the car was stopping and I was home again. “Can I ask a question?”
“Go ahead,” he turned and smiled.
“Amy I crazy for coming and chasing a guy who may or may not be interested in me? I mean, I’m not even sure how I feel about him myself.”
“That’s not crazy,” he told me. “But if you’re wondering how you feel about him, well, you’re here, aren’t you? That’s gotta mean something, so I think that answers that for you.”
“I guess it does,” I smiled. I pulled out my money and handed it over to the driver. “Thank you for that, I needed it.”
“No problem, young lady,” he said, as I opened the door and got out. He then opened his window. “If he doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have you in his life, then he’s the crazy one!”
I let out a slight laugh and walked towards the house as he drove off. I knocked on the door and a few moments later, it opened to reveal my mom’s shocked face.
“Abby?! What are you doing here?” she asked.
“SURPRISE! I came to visit for the weekend!” I told her.
After catching up wit my mom quickly, I put my bag upstairs and pulled out my phone.
To: Joel
Hey, I’m back in Phoenix for the weekend. Are you free to meet up?
I sent the message before I could change my mind. It had been so long since Joel and I had spent any time together in person and I was nervous. I didn’t want it to be awkward, but I couldn't see it being easy. Not expecting a quick reply, I slid my phone into my pocket and went back downstairs. As me and my mom continued to chat, we sat in the living room and I noticed how far she’d coming in the couple of weeks that I’d been back in Los Angeles. She was completely back to her usual self, but it was nice to see her relaxed again.
It was about twenty minutes later when my phone went off and I pulled it out of my pocket.
From: Joel
Hi! I am free and would love to see you. What did you want to do? :)
I smiled at his reply and proceeded to start a new message to him.
“Who’s got you smiling?” my mom asked. “Ooh, is it a boy? Are you a hiding a someone in LA from me?”
“No, mom. It is a boy, but he’s actually right here in Phoenix,” I told her.
“So that’s the reason you came home. It’s not really to see your old mother!”
“You know that’s not true,” I explained. “I just thought that, you know, since I’m home and all.”
“Whatever, sweetheart,” she smiled. “If he makes you happy then it’s fine by me.”
To: Joel
Coffee? Know of any good spots? ;)
From: Joel
I can think of one! Haha. 3 tomorrow? I’ll come pick you up.
To: Joel
Sounds perfect. See you then!
---------
Sure enough, the next day at 3 o’clock, Joel pulled up outside. I walked out the house and he got out of his car and made his way up the drive.
“You didn’t need to get out,” I smiled, as we walked towards each.
“What can I say, I’m a gentleman, or I at least try,” he shrugged. “Hi Abby,” he smiled back.
“Hi Joel,” I said, as we met and he wrapped his arms around me.
“It’s so good to see you,” he breathed, as we hugged. “Come on, I think we’re about 5 years overdue for this coffee,” he laughed as we walked to his car.
We made small talk as he drove to the coffee shop. It was the same coffee shop we used to go to as it was our favourite back then.
“Jeez, I haven’t been here in forever,” I commented, as we walked in. They had redecorated since I’d last been in, which was expected, but it still smelt exactly the same.
“Me either,” Joel said. “When we stopped coming here together, I kinda just stopped coming here.”
“That literally feels like a lifetime ago,” I said.
“It kinda was,” he said, as we ordered our drinks. Sitting down outside, I realised I had no idea what me and Joel were going to talk about. “Do you remember the night we all went bowling?” he asked, continuing the conversation.
“You mean the night I kicked you ass?”
“Yeah, whatever,” he huffed. “You made a lovely impression on my friend Kevin that night,” he said, sarcastically.
“He was a dick,” I said.
“We should do that again sometime,” he suggested. “Maybe without Kevin and Carlie this time.”
“Are you asking me on date, Joel Kanitz?”
“Isn’t that what this is?” he asked.
“You tell me,” I said, raising my eyebrows. He stared back at me without saying a word and finally shook his head and looked down into his coffee cup. “Do you ever see her?”
“Who?”
“Carlie.”
“Nope. Not in about 3 and a half years now. Rumor has it that she moved away, I don’t really know where to and I don’t really care,” he said, bluntly. After that, we both didn’t mention her anymore, it was easier not to.
As we continued to chat, people walked past where we were sat, I would occasionally watch some, as they went about their own lives. One old lady stopped in front of us.
“Don’t you two make a sweet couple?” she smiled.
“Thanks but we’re not together,” I explained, quickly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, you just looked so lovely together,” she said, before walking on.
“Well, you were certainly quick to correct her,” Joel stated. “Is the idea of being with me that bad?”
“No, it’s not that, it’s just-I don’t know, I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to,” he said, placing his hand over mind on the table. “Just know that I’m always here.”
I looked down at his hand and then up at his gaze before looking away.
“You can’t be the hero this time, Joel,” I told him, shaking off his grip.
“I’m not trying to be the hero, I’m just trying to be the guy I should have been for you a long time ago,” he said.
“Well, you weren’t that guy, were you? I moved away, things changed and nothing is the same,” my voice got louder as I spoke. “And now I keep coming back here and parts of me want to become the old Abby, the one that went unnoticed, but I can’t. And I can’t continue being this new person I’ve become but I know people here won’t accept that.”
“Abby, that’s not what this is about, is it?” he asked.
I shook my head, “I just don’t know anymore.”
After a while of silence, Joel finally spoke again. “What are you so scared of?” he asked.
“Being myself,” I told him.
“Why?”
“Why not?” I questioned. “People are so quick to judge a person’s character, so what’s the point of even trying?”
“Because it’s about being true to yourself, the person you were born to be,” he said, softly.
“And what if the person I was born to be isn’t worth being?”
“Well, that’s never true,” he smiled. “Everyone should be proud of being who they are.”
“And what about everyone else?”
“Who gives a fuck about everyone else?” he said. “If they don’t like it, that’s their problem.”
“Exactly my point,” I told him.
“No, that’s not the point. Why do you care so much about what other people think?”
“I don’t know, don’t you?”
“No, I mean, have you ever heard that saying, ‘those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter’?” he asked. “I kinda like to live by that saying, I guess.”
“Dr Seuss, right?” I smiled.
“So you do know it,” he smiled back. “Now try believing it.”