You End, I Begin

From: Joel
Didn’t expect to see you the other day at the studio, it was nice. We should catch up soon.

Seriously?! I thought to myself. How was it nice for him to interrogate me on whether I loved my boyfriend or not. I understood he just wanted to see how much I had moved on but I wouldn’t have described our conversation as ‘nice’. When I received the text from him, I contemplated replying to him. I also contemplated telling Jason that Joel had text me.

Seeing Joel made me realize I still had feeling for him. But I just didn’t know what to do with these feelings. I was with Jason now, wasn’t I supposed to be happy with him? Joel was the past and I was done with that, or at least I thought I was.

But there were so many things that made me consider my current situation. It had always been Joel, I knew that, then there was Jason, who I liked a lot, but I knew I was totally into him. What was it that was holding me back from him? I think I knew deep down there wasn’t really anything between me and Jason, we were essentially just friends who sometimes made out, which is another reason I think we hadn’t had sex yet.

I just had so much to think about and I had to do it alone.

----------

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since I’d seen Joel for the first time in a few months. Two weeks since he text me. Two since I began doubting everything.

But I’d finally made a decision. I knew it was the right one. I knew it was the right time. Now I just had to say it.

“We need to talk,” I said, my voice flat.

“This doesn’t sound good,” he said.

I had invited Jason over to my apartment while I knew we could be alone. I wanted to say this somewhere I was completely comfortable, otherwise I knew I was going to chicken out of saying it at all.

“Jason, I really can’t believe I’m doing this, but I have to, it’s not fair to you or I to string it out any longer,” I began. “Otherwise, one of us is going to fall in deeper than the other, and it won’t be me.”

“I just don’t understand,” he said, shaking his head.

“I just don’t feel it’s right, me and you,” I said. “I just feel I need to be honest with you now.”

“It’s just...I like you. A lot,” he said, leaning back against the wall behind him. After he said it, he closed his eyes and let out a long breath, like he’d been keeping this in for a long time. A few seconds later, he opened his eyes and met mine.

“I like you too,” I told him. “But I love Joel.”

“Why? What does he have that I don’t?” he asked, his voice beginning to be masked with anger.

“He’s just always been there, it’s always been him,” I said.

“But why?” he asked again, his voice getting louder.

“He just understands me but I pushed him away and that was the biggest mistake I could have made,” I explained. “He always made his feelings clear, yet I constantly hid mine. But not anymore.”

“So, I guess I never really had a chance, did I?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, tears forming in my eyes. “I should have just been honest in the first place.”

“Well, I guess I should be glad you told me now rather than letting me get any deeper into this,” he said, bowing his head and looking at he ground.

“We’re still friends though right?” I asked. “We can’t let this be completely ruined.”

“We can still be friends, just let me get over this,” he told me. “Just, let me have some time and I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

“OK, don’t be a stranger though,” I smiled and he walked out of my flat with just a nod of his head.

I had made up my mind. It was Joel. It had always been Joel. I knew I had just hurt Jason, but I had only ever been lying to myself and everyone else when I said I didn’t love Joel. But everyone else saw the truth all along anyway, it just took me a while to admit it to myself. Now I just had to admit to Joel.

I wanted to go right away, get in a taxi, catch the first flight to Phoenix and go to Joel’s house. This was something I knew he had been waiting a long time for. I wanted to just say it to him and make him happy so I could be happy too, but it was Thursday, which meant I had work tomorrow so it would have to wait. Instead, I pulled out my iPad, booked a flight for the following evening and packed a small bag so I could go as soon as I finished work tomorrow evening.

That night was a very restless night. So many thoughts began to go through my head. What if he had now moved on? Seeing me with someone else might have just been enough for him to think it was all over and find someone new. What if his feelings were no longer the same?

I must have managed to fall asleep at some point during the night as my alarm woke me up at 7 am on the dot. Thoughts were still running through my head making me doubt everything, but excitement grew inside me. This could finally be it.

----------

“Abby, what are you doing here?” he asked, standing in the door way as I stood outside on his doorstep.

“I love you.”

“What?”

“I love you. I always have. I’m sorry it took me so long to admit it, I just couldn’t before. But I’m here now and I hope that means something to you because I really need it to,” I told him.

“Abby, you can’t just turn up at my house out of the blue and say that,” he said. “It’s been a long time since there was anything between me and you...”

As he spoke, I could feel my heart drop and beginning to crack. This was exactly what I didn’t want. My head dropped and I looked at the floor so that I didn’t have to look into his beautiful eyes as he broke my heart. Again.

“But it might just be that I never got over you and hearing you say that is the one thing I’ve been waiting so long for,” he finished, his lips turning into a smile.

I looked up and met his gaze, saw the look in his eyes and realized he was being serious.

“Wait what?” I asked, slightly in shock.

“I still love you Abby, I told you a long time ago that you’d believe in love again and you’d realize how much I loved you back then,” he explained. “Well, you obviously have now. I was right and for me, the feelings haven’t changed. How could they?”

I closed the gap between me and Joel, wrapping my arms up around his neck, pressing my body against his as my lips met his. His hands moved to the back of my head, holding me to him as we kissed. As we parted, I moved back, but his head followed mine, as he pressed his forehead against mine, not breaking eye contact.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” I said, quietly.

“I don’t care, I always knew you’d get here eventually,” he smiled slightly.

“I love you,” I said, again. “God, it feels so good to say that.”

“It feels good to hear you say it," he grinned. "Say it again."

“I love you, Joel Kanitz.”

“I love you too, Abigail Hilton.”