How the Heart Beats

Much to my relief, I didn’t see Stella for another month. During that time, I’d eased myself into a new routine. Throughout the week, I went to school, avoided killing people, went home to headquarters, trained or fought in the war, and then sometimes fell asleep. The weekends were much of the same, minus going to school. I grew closer with my subordinates and things were going well, even though the war was at a stalemate. I thought about Stella occasionally, though I knew I shouldn’t have, especially because the girl meant nothing to me. I couldn’t help that I was baffled by her. She’d seemed interested in being my friend, as if I didn’t scare her one bit. I didn’t want to be her friend though, and couldn’t risk such attachment. So when I’d accepted a mission one Sunday in September, I should’ve thought about the bus schedule.

A gentle thud in the seat by my side alerted me to the presence of another. I didn’t have to look to know who it was; she had a very unique scent that, though we’d only met twice before, I recognized instantly. She smelled like sunshine, cold air, sugar cookies, and willow trees. It was the weirdest combination of smells I’d ever experienced, but it fit her completely.

“Stella,” I greeted her without looking, a smile forming under my mask despite myself.

“Heya stranger! How’d you guess?” She asked and finally I looked at her. Her long blonde hair was parted to the side and she was grinning at me as always.

“You’re the only person to ever sit next to me. Plus, the way you smell is extremely distinct,” I said with a shrug, trying to keep my voice dry and devoid of anything that might keep her talking while simultaneously hating how easy it was to talk to her.

“Thanks! Wait… is that a good thing?” Her face crumpled and she sniffed her arm curiously.

“Yeah, I’d say it’s a good thing. It’s very… you.” I inhaled deeply through my nose. “No pun intended. It’s a nice smell.” I nodded and shrugged again, trying to not let myself relax.

“Oh. Okay. Good.” She sighed and grinned in relief. “I have a hard time believing that I’m the only person to ever sit beside you here!” Her face went serious as she studied me carefully. It was as if she’d just then heard me say that bit.

“It’s true. Most people avoid me.” I peered into her sparkling blue eyes, unable to keep from wondering what she was thinking, and hating myself even more for it.

“Well that’s silly! Why would they do that?” She didn’t try to hide the outrage that splashed across her features.

“They’re afraid of me.” My words spilled out sounding more like a question than a statement of fact. I was taken aback by the anger on her face. Why did she care? I was no one to her and I certainly didn’t intend to become anything but that. Not to mention I quite liked that others were put off by and afraid of me. I preferred my solitude.

“What?” She snorted. “Why would they be afraid of you?”

“Because I’m dangerous.” I pushed my eyebrows together though my expression was invisible to her. Did she not see it? Was she blind to the baleful aura that not only surrounded me, but that all other creatures seemed to pick up on?

“Oh.” Her eyes narrowed and she looked me over once more, likely thinking my words through. I was sure she noted the sword strapped to my back. The bus stopped while she was speculating and I stood to leave. Before I could get around her, she gently grabbed my wrist to stop me.

“Shadow?” She asked, her eyebrows crinkling and the corners of her lips pulling down slightly.

“Yes?” I eyed her hand; her skin was like ice against my own.

“Sh-should I be afraid of you?” Her voice shook and she looked completely fragile, like a child unsure of whether she’d see her parents again. The way her demeanor changed so quickly and so often almost startled me. I'd never known anyone who let their emotions run as rampant and free as she had.

“Absolutely,” I said, my voice cold as I looked her dead in the eyes and yanked my hand free before walking away. I didn’t look back to see the impact of our conversation upon her.

I delivered Seb’s message to the leader of an allied clan, letting him know where we needed extra support and giving him the low-down on the moves we were planning to make next. It would’ve been more efficient to send the note electronically, but it was hard for Seb to trust technology, as paranoid as he was. Needless to say, any emails received from him were to be opened, but disregarded.

Seb was an odd little man, and more paranoid and skeptical than even myself, but he was a great leader, so hardly anyone ever challenged or questioned his ways. Those who did were dead men walking. He only let his most trusted, high-ranking soldiers go on note-passing missions and, even though I was grateful for the task, it made me feel like a pre-teen girl passing the latest gossip between friends. With the gossip passed to Patrick, the other leader, my job was done all the same. He said they’d do what they could, but were suffering as well. After promising his help, he thanked me for the update and sent me on my way.

I climbed back onto the bus; trying to keep in mind that note-passer was a position of honor, no matter how miserably degrading it felt. In my normal seat by one of the many dirty windows sat Stella. I rolled my eyes and chuckled as I approached her.

“Do you do nothing but ride the bus all day?” I asked, sitting beside her of my own free will for the first time. She turned her head away from the grimy window at the sound of my voice and looked at me. A smile broke across her face, but it wasn’t the strong grin she usually gave me. This was a weak attempt at a smile, upon which it was hard to focus. Her eyes were bloodshot and sparkling, the blue a bright intense color I’d never seen before. I would have called it beautiful, had it not been for the tears that were cascading down her soft, pale face. It was then that I felt the block of ice I called my heart slowly begin to melt.

“Yup. Looking for you.” She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and chuckled. Her voice was hoarse and raspy. I hated how it churned my gut.

“Hey,” I nodded toward her, my voice soft and gentle, a tone I’d only used once before, “what’s wrong?” I whispered, gently nudging her with my elbow.

She shook her head, leaning her back against the window and putting her feet in between us. “It’s nothing. Just frivolous girl junk.” She waved her hands and rolled her eyes, but I could tell it was all an act.

“Stella,” I reprimanded, reaching out and placing my hand on her knee between us. She realized I didn’t believe her and her face crumpled, the tears pouring out even more rapidly.

“Everything’s falling to pieces.” Her legs fell to the floor and she sat back up. Despite my better instincts, I tentatively reached toward her and pushed some of her soft, blonde hair away from her face. I wasn’t used to comforting people, so it was a slightly awkward motion, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“My mom has stopped caring about me. I’m failing a class. I’m beyond stressed out, and to top it all off, my boyfriend, the one person I thought was on my side, just broke up with me. Nothing is the way it should be!” She wiped her eyes again and rested her head on my shoulder. I stiffened and hesitantly patted her back, unsure of how I felt or of what to do. She sniffled and cried into me and we rode the bus in silence for a few moments. My stop came and went, but I didn’t have it in me to leave her there. She seemed so fragile and lost that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but stroke her hair. As the bus neared the edge of the city, I got an idea. I tapped her shoulder and she looked up at me.

“Oh. Do you have to go?” She asked, looking out the different windows to see where we were and clearly coming up with nothing.

“Yes and no. I’m leaving, but so are you.” I gently took her arm and helped her up, leading her toward the street. The look of perplexity that crossed her face made me chuckle.

“Don’t worry. I’m not kidnapping you or anything.” I smiled under my mask and she shrugged, probably figuring her day couldn’t get much worse. I pulled her through a twisting, convoluted path to a forest that was more familiar to me than the place I was calling home.

The forest was a beautiful place with tall green trees that reached toward the darkening gray clouds, which were heavy with coming rain. Stella looked around in amazement and I couldn’t help but smile as I saw how much she seemed to enjoy the place. I listened, but was surprised to not hear anything. I looked down at her feet and confirmed that she was still walking. I had met very few people who could walk as silently as me, and none who could do it in such a heavily wooded setting. I fought a smile, begrudgingly impressed with her. We reached the clearing in no time and I let her wander around and marvel at the vast amount of green beauty surrounding us as I made my way to my favorite tree.

“Shadow! How did you ever find this place?” She sat beside me in the warm green grass, her eyes still raking over the land, a sniffle punctuating her words.

“Luck.” I shrugged, leaning into the rough bark of the large oak tree. “But you can’t tell anyone, okay? This is my special place. I don’t want to find it ruined and have no one to blame but myself and my poor judgment. I have defended this place for years now and you are the first person I’ve ever taken here.” I looked over to find her sprawled in the grass beside me. Her tears had faded and a genuine smile was once more on her face.

“I would never do that. This place is too magical to share with others. The more people who know, the less perfect it will be.” She closed her eyes and wiggled her whole body around, surely staining her jeans green.

“Good. I’m glad I was able to cheer you up.” I nodded and as I was wondering if I’d gotten too attached to this stranger, my cell phone vibrated. It was Seb. He needed me at one of the battle zones.

“Crap. I’ve gotta go, Stella. Stay as long as you need, though. There’s an abandoned cabin in the woods not far that way. Well, it was abandoned. I fixed it up not long ago. It’s not much, but it’s got a fireplace, a comfy bed, and a fully stocked pantry. I dunno when I’ll be back, but the key is in the stack of firewood if you wish to stay,” I explained, standing and gathered my things.

“Shadow? Thanks for this. It’s fantastic. You knew what I needed when I didn’t. I know you said you’re dangerous and I should be afraid, but you really seem like a good guy.” She smiled, staring up at me with a look that I didn’t quite understand.

“What are friends for?” I shrugged and waved before sprinting off.