How the Heart Beats

I walked onto the battlefield to learn that both sides were recuperating and we were attempting to figure out our next moves. Some of our men and women were being taken back to headquarters to be tended to. The smell of the bloodshed stained the air and put me in the zone to focus on war and not Stella. I quickly found Nick, Katie, and a few of my other subordinates, none of whom appeared to be too terribly injured, and they filled me in on how things had been going.

“Alright, well I’m perfectly fine, so I should probably be on the front lines,” I paused, inhaling deeply, “Oh, yeah. I definitely wanna kick some ass.” I smiled, closing my eyes for a short moment to push my bloodlust far enough back that I could concentrate and be logical. “So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’ll go now, while everyone else is still hanging out around here because the Soulsellers will think they still have time to plan. I know it’s risky and there are only six of us, but I think we can do it. I don’t normally say this kinda stuff, but you guys are really growing and becoming capable soldiers. We have to move fast, so let’s go out there and rip them to shreds.” By the looks on their faces, I could tell that they were ready, despite how exhausted they all were. I left my speech at that and nodded toward the enemy’s base.

We all moved out together and when we were about halfway there, Katie and Sara launched arrows and struck down the guards. As soon as the perimeter was cleared, the rest of us charged in and cut down anyone in our paths as quickly as we could manage. Blood sprayed everywhere, but we were lucky to have very little of it be ours. One of their guys got my arm pretty good while I wasn’t looking, but we managed to fight them off otherwise unscathed. We left only three survivors, and they only managed to do so because they fled the scene.

When we got back to our camp, I was seen as the day’s hero, but we did not celebrate our victory. Instead, everyone went back to the compound, tended their wounds, and went to sleep. Everyone except for me. Ignoring the pain in my arm, I made my way back to the forest. I had no idea why I did it. Maybe I was crazy, or maybe I was a glutton for punishment. My reasons didn’t matter much; I was tired, sore, and bloody, but some part of me wanted to see her, and so I went.

By the time I’d returned to the forest, the sky was dark with nightfall and the same gray rain clouds, only thicker and less friendly than before. The electricity in the air was so thick I could almost see it. It was bound to pour tonight. My mind flashed back to something I’d learned in school long ago. Didn’t rain and water usually symbolize epiphany or change? I laughed and shrugged the thought off as I made my way into the clearing.

Much to my surprise, Stella was still there. She was sitting by the lake, which reflected what was visible of the sky through the clouds, with her feet in the water and a book in her hands. She looked genuinely happy and I was glad to see that I had helped the shift in her mood. I approached her and sat by her side silently. She neither greeted me, nor looked up at me from her book, but she did lean to the side and rest her head on my shoulder, and that was enough for me. I gently patted the top of her head and we sat in a comfortable silence until she finished her chapter and closed the book.

“Hey.” She smiled up at me and I ruffled her hair. “You came back.” Her words were broken with a yawn and a stretch, causing her to lean further against me.

“Yeah. We won the battle.” I put my hands to either side of me to prop myself up.

“Battle?” Perplexity tinted her features yet again.

“Yeah, I’m the general in my friend’s army. We’re warring with some other clans right now.” I shrugged, remembering how little she knew about me. I wasn’t even sure if what I’d said made sense to her.

“Oh. Well, if you ever need any help, let me know. I’m a pretty good fighter.” She smiled thoughtfully and I couldn’t help but momentarily wonder about her skills.

“Nah. I think we’ve got things covered. Thanks though,” I said, staring quietly out at the lake, water black as the sky.

“Shadow?” She asked, scrambling away from my side and squinting in the dark as if it would help her see my face through my mask.

“Hmm?” I shifted so I was looking directly at her, giving her my full attention and peering into her eyes.

“Can I ask a favor of you? Well, it’s two favors, actually.” Her head tilted to the side and her eyes rolled up slightly, an expression I assumed meant she was checking through her mind to make sure what she’d said was correct.

“What are they?” I asked, never one to agree to a favor without knowing what I was getting myself into. I tried to be as careful as I possibly could in everything I did.

“Well, first and foremost, don’t underestimate me.” She lifted her chin and scrunched her nose. I was sure she was worrying I’d denied her request because I’d thought her not strong enough. Truth was, I didn’t want to see such a pure, happy person taken under by the horrors of war. She did not need to get involved.

“I haven’t underestimated you. I never underestimate my opponents,” I said, shrugging and resting my face on the heels of my hands, elbows on my knees. I watched her intently, taking note of the grass in her slightly messy hair. She must’ve fallen asleep for a bit. I caught myself wondering if she’d slept well and what she’d dreamt of.

“So I’m an opponent now?” Her eyebrows raised and her mouth fell open. I chuckled at the misunderstanding and shook my head.

“No, no. Sorry. I phrased that wrong. I consider you an ally. An ally I kinda like.” I stood, trying to keep the heat from creeping into my face. I took a few steps further into the water, letting it lap at my calves and relaxing with the lake's caress.

“Oh. Well, good. I’m glad you think of me that way. I consider you an ally too.” I didn’t look back at her and tried to not think about the feelings that were budding, especially because I wanted nothing more than to not feel them.

“Yeah,” I mumbled and let the silence draw out, making the distance between us feel like much more than just a few feet.

“Wait!” She blurted quickly, standing up and walking toward me. “What do you mean by like?” I could feel her scrutiny even without looking at her and it made me shift on my feet.

“Never mind. It’s not important.” I glanced toward her and bit my lip, both hoping she couldn’t sense my nervousness and attempting to push down any and all emotions.

“No. Shadow. Do you… have feelings for me?” She placed a hand on my arm and I couldn’t help myself when I flinched. I was surprised not only by her touch, but by her tone. She didn’t seem like the type of person to take such a sharp, demanding tone.

“I… think so.” I blushed hard, thankful it was hidden by my mask. It surprised me when a large, bright grin broke across her face.

“I kinda like you too.” She giggled quietly, a soft, gentle sound. I enjoyed how comfortable she seemed around me, even though it defied almost everything I’d ever known.

“Yeah?” I grinned and, before I could fight off the impulse, I leaned forward, pulled my mask off and kissed her softly and gently, ever afraid I would break her. After a few seconds, I pulled away and took six steps backward. She looked stunned, but reached a hand toward me with a grin spreading across her face.

“Why’d you step away? Afraid I would hit?” Her fingers brushed down the side of my forearm and her eyes raked over my face. I tried to let her see me for me, fighting back how naked I felt without my mask.

“No, I just didn’t want you to be mad or confused or something, especially because I didn’t ask for permission.” I smiled at her acceptance and took a few steps closer to her, allowing myself to enjoy her nearness.

“Stella?” I asked, watching her intently with my dark eyes. “The more I try to get rid of my feelings for you, the stronger they get. It’s really weird.” I lowered my head, uncomfortable with how easily she could read my face.

“Yeah, I know how you feel.” She reached out and gripped both of my arms firmly enough to get me to look at her, but not enough to harm me. “But something’s telling me that this,” she gave my arms a small squeeze, “this is a good thing.” A smile played across her lips and I couldn’t help but smile back, sucked into the sparkle in her eyes.

“Why do you like me?” I squinted at her in the dark, trying harder to read her face. “I mean, I like you because you’re kind, smart, funny, you don’t take shit from anyone, and you’re not afraid to be yourself.” I smiled and gently patted her head, mussing her soft hair.

“That’s me!” She giggled again and pulled back from my hand, puffing air out of her mouth to blow the hair away from her eyes.

“And you have this way of caring about people, which is sort of the opposite of me. Well, not the opposite. I do care about people, but not like most others do," I paused, trying to gather my thoughts as they started scattering.

“Well, you’re not most people.” She grinned; it must’ve been some sort of compliment. I smiled back, half in understanding and half because I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to admit it, but she made me smile, and hers was contagious.

“No, but neither are you, I must say.” I reached out and lightly brushed my fingertips across her lips and up her cheek.

“I most certainly am not. And I prefer it that way.” She puffed her chest out proudly and giggled. With a smile, she stepped out of the lake, the better part of her shins and calves soaked. She sat down in the grass and tilted her head back, watching the sky. As I sat beside her, thunder crashed. Only seconds passed before it started pouring. Her laugh rang out by my side and I grinned, replacing my mask and pulling her to her feet. She looked absolutely mad, laughing at the sky like that, but I thought it was the greatest sight in the world. We picked up our stuff and I led her to the cabin, which was hidden to the world by thick, wild trees. I offered her a blanket and she smiled thankfully, wrapping the thick warm cloth around her body. I lit a fire in the fireplace and started the tea kettle. When the tea was ready, I returned to the living room with two steaming mugs of tea with sugar and honey and handed one to her.

“Thank you.” She smiled, scooting over in front of the fire and patting the space on the rug beside her. I nodded and sat, taking a swig from my cup and not caring how hot it was.

“Is there any time you need to be home? You’ve been here for the better part of the day.” I stretched my legs out and allowed the bottoms of my feet to almost touch the flames.

“No.” Her voice fell into a soft mumble. “My mom won’t care. She’ll probably only notice when the dishes aren’t done or there’s no one to take her anger out on.” Her tone was so sad that it made my heart pang. I placed a hand on her knee and she jumped as if she’d forgotten I was there.

“Stella, I wish I knew what to tell you, other than that you can’t stay here, which is the opposite of helpful, really.” I moved my hand from her knee to her shoulders again. With my other arm, I scratched my head as I looked at her, unsure of how I could help her. She leaned into me and shrugged.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m used to it by now. Soon, I’ll be gone, with my own life to worry about.” I could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke, dreaming of better days. I nodded and said nothing. I hoped Stella’s dream of a better life would come true because someone like her didn’t deserve the life she was getting. We sat like that for a short while, neither of us looking at the other. There were no sounds but that of our breathing and the crackle of the fire.

“Shadow, can I ask you something?” She asked finally, turning to look at me.

“Sure. Doesn’t mean I’ll answer, but go ahead.” I smiled, nudging her playfully.

“Why do you wear that mask? I mean, you have a really handsome face. Why not show it off?” She tilted her head and reached out, running her fingers along the curved edge of the mask. I smiled and let her pull it off of my face.

“Usually when people ask me that, I tell them I don’t like being seen and that that’ll either be the end of the conversation, or the end of them.” Her fingers ran over the stubble that was beginning to encase my facial features. I brought my hand to hers and gently pushed it away so I could focus. With a deep sigh, I continued, feeling she deserved a fuller answer than what I normally gave others. “And that’s not an untrue statement, but it’s not the only reason. My face is a combination of my mother’s and father’s features, mostly my mother, but that doesn’t matter. I don’t like to think about them. That, and in my line of work, it’s best if I can’t be identified,” I spoke softly, shrugging and attempting to read her face.

“Well, that makes sense.” She smiled at me and I chuckled, shaking my head. Such a strange girl. “But, what about this then?” She gestured to my uncovered face and then to the mask in her hand.

“I acted before I thought. I wanted to kiss you, and I couldn’t do that through my mask. And after you’d seen my face, there wasn’t much reason to stay hidden. You’re officially the only living person who has seen what I look like beneath my mask, other than me,” I explained honestly, curling my legs under me and looking at her, allowing myself to relax as she looked at my face. It was a sensation I wasn’t used to, but I was so comfortable with Stella that I figured I should try and at least enjoy the comfort a little by relaxing.

“Oh… Cool. I feel so special now.” Her grin broke across her face and it lit the entire thing up. I nodded and pushed back some of her soaked strands of hair, stroking her cheek with my thumb as I did so.

“You should. I’ve never let myself be this vulnerable before. If you betray my trust, I really will have to kill you.” And though my tone was gentle and I smiled at her, we both knew that I was completely serious. She nodded, seemingly understanding the consequences that came with falling for me. Her eyes were dead locked on mine and mine on hers, which were bright with firelight, a strange sort of golden blue. The colour made her look fierce and deeply impassioned. Or perhaps she was just impassioned. I didn’t know, but either way it was beyond lovely. She reached out and I felt her soft, nimble fingers smooth across one of the long scars that ran along my throat. Her eyebrows scrunched and her mouth fell open like she was about to say something, but just then my phone started ringing. I cupped my hand over her mouth before she could speak and answered the phone.

“Yeah?” I asked; it was Seb so the formalities of greetings weren’t necessary, though I rarely used them anyway.

“Where are you?” He demanded, causing me to roll my eyes.

“Out. Does it matter?” I clenched my free fist and ran my tongue over my very sharp teeth, quickly irritated with his manner of speaking to me. Just because I worked for him didn’t mean he owned me. I felt my lip curl slightly with disgust.

“Yeah. It does,” He snapped and a growl started to form deep in my chest. I began to wonder, not for the first time, whether or not all this had been a good idea. Seb and I were both alpha-type personalities, so we were bound to clash from time to time. Stella reached out and rubbed my forearm, probably sensing the tension and trying to soothe me. I tried to relax again, not wanting her to see such an ugly side of me.

“Well, it shouldn’t. I thought we were done for the night.” My nostrils flared and I closed my eyes, hoping they weren’t visibly filling with rage.

“We are, but what if I needed you? What if there was an attack?” He growled and at the sound of his anger, I couldn’t help but laugh. I then heard another growl and a smash as he kicked or punched something. I laughed harder. “What the hell is so funny?” I could tell his teeth were clenched, but it sounded like he was foaming at the mouth too.

“You act like you can’t get along without me. Listen to yourself! You sound like a needy, whiny girlfriend.” I felt the tension start to vacate my body as I laughed a bit more.

“Whatever. Just make sure I can reach you,” He spat, snarling slightly.

“You always can. If you actually need me, I’ll be there. Until then, I can take care of myself and so can you.” Not waiting for his response, I hung up the phone and removed my hand from Stella’s mouth, only to find that she’d licked it. Baffled, I pointed to it and she grinned sheepishly, letting out a small giggle. I couldn’t do much but smile back and roll my eyes at her as I wiped my hand on a leg of her jeans.

“Your mom or your girlfriend?” She asked, tilting her head and watching me with those eyes of hers. She seemed playful enough that I assumed she was joking.

“Neither. My mother’s dead and I’ve never had a girlfriend,” I answered seriously with a shrug and looked away from her, holding my gaze on the flames beside us.

“Oh. I’m so sorry.” She looked horrified in herself, as if they were painful things for me. I guess I couldn’t blame her; that might be painful or at least uncomfortable for a normal person.

“Don’t be. I killed my mother and I’ve never been in a relationship because people are dumb and I’ve never trusted anyone enough. That, however, was my friend. Seb. The guy whose army I’m in, so I guess you could call him my boss. I don’t prefer to think of him that way though.” I returned my attention to her face and tried to smile, but I suddenly felt cold, even though I could feel the heat of the nearby fire.

“He’s not gonna fire you for talking to him like that?” Her voice was quiet like she was unsure if that was okay to ask. I laughed again; it has certainly turned out to be a better day than I’d expected.

“No. Seb has a terrible, terrible temper, but he and I both know that I’m too valuable an asset for him to get rid of me, especially for something as small as that. I’m pretty much his unofficial second in command. I usually speak to him that way. He’s just got his panties in a bunch because he can’t control me the way he controls everyone else.” I rolled my eyes and gestured that it was no big deal. She nodded and giggled, leaning against me.

“So you don’t have to go?” She asked and I shook my head, shifting so she was leaning back against my chest.

“Nope. I’ll leave when I want. Unless, of course, there’s an emergency and I actually am needed. But until then, I can stay as long as I like. He won’t come looking for me because he doesn't know about this place. He’ll calm down. I’m not worried.” I smiled; happily falling into the routine of what I figured was cuddling. I stroked her hair and she smiled up at me. I had no doubt Stella was strong, but there in my arms, she seemed so small and in need of protection. I dropped my grip on her and stood, taking both of our mugs into the kitchen. When I returned, she was still there, looking around the room and taking in my lack of decoration. She grinned when she saw me and I sighed.

“Stella, I want you to kill me,” I said, offering her my sword and bowing my head.