For All I Know

A week passed since Ryan’s birthday and I had almost felt like I was back to my normal self. I went into work a little early, knowing that Nat would be just starting her lunch. I walked over to her desk and just to piss her off, I rang the bell. She was sitting on her desk, with her back to me, but I knew she knew I was there. I had texted her to let her know that I needed to talk to her. She turned around with an annoyed look.

“You know, you don’t have to ring the bell when the nurse is sitting right here.”

I stuck my tongue out at her then quickly made my face serious. “I need to talk to you.”

She stood up and grabbed her lunch bag. She kept in under her desk because, according to her and her alone, there was a lunch thief in the nurses’ lunchroom. She yelled into the lunchroom, to let the other nurses that she was going for her lunch. One of them came out, drink and sandwich in hand, to man the desk while Nat was away. Nat met me in front of the desk and we made our way to the elevator. We decided that it was easiest for us to talk with less ears listening if we went to the main cafeteria on the main floor. When we reached the cafeteria, we quickly found a table at the back of the room. Nat could tell, just by the look I gave her, that what I wanted to talk about was serious. I sighed before I began.

“First of all, I want to say I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.” I ran my hand through my hair. “When I went to Ryan’s grave on his birthday, Pat was there.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh my, what did he say to you? Did he apologize for what he did?”

I closed my eyes for a few seconds, then let out another soft sigh, shaking my head. “I didn’t let him see me. I hid behind a tree.”

She scoffed. “You didn’t confront him? Why?”

I raised my hands in defeat. “I don’t know, Nat. Maybe I’m not as mad at him as I thought. Plus, what I heard him say is making my head spin.” Nat raised her eyebrow and rolled her hand in front of her, gesturing me to continue. “I heard him say he still loves me, and what scares the crap out of me…is I think I might still love him, too.”

Nat gave me a sympathetic smile. “What are you going to do?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t even know what I would say to him. It’s almost been a year. Besides, a huge part of me still hates him for not coming to say goodbye to Ryan, and for cheating on me. But at the same time, I miss him. I miss the little things. No one accepted me, knowing that Ryan came with me like he did. I mean, Jordan was close, but not like Pat.”

Nat opened her Ziploc container, pulling out half of her egg salad sandwich, while I went over more pros and cons in my head. I still battled with whether I should talk to Pat, or just leave him alone and let him continue living his life the way he had since Ryan died. Nat was about to take a bit of her sandwich when her jaw dropped. Her gaze was locked on something behind me. I was about to turn my head, to see what she was so mesmerized by, when she reached across the table, grabbing my hand. I snapped my head up to look at her.

“What?” I half-whispered.

“How much of you hates Pat?” I raised my eyebrow at her question, having no idea where it came from.

“I don’t know how much exactly. Why?”

She looked over my shoulder once again, then quickly let go of my hand. “Just curious, is all.”

I shot her a confused a look before looking over my shoulder to see what she was looking at. I didn’t see anything that wasn’t there when we first came in the cafeteria. My gaze lingered for a few more seconds. That’s when I spotted something. I squinted my eyes a little bit, trying to focus a little more on it. When I finally saw what it was, I spun back around to face Nat.

“Did I just see what I think I saw?”

She gave me a sad smile, followed by a nod. “I forgot all about it. If I had remembered, I wouldn’t have suggested that we come down here. Now on our way back up, we’re bound to run in to one of them.”

I put my head down, not knowing what to think about it. I turned my head to look in the same spot I had just seconds before. This time, what I saw before was replaced with a pair of blue eyes. The same pair of blue eyes I found myself dreaming of most nights the past few months, and even more so the past week.

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Pat’s POV

I tried to back out, I didn’t want to go to the hospital today. It’s not that I didn’t want to give back. I just can’t stop thinking about what last year’s visit brought me. It brought me the friendship with Ryan, and more importantly, the love of Claire. No other visit could top it. However, being a favourite on the team, I had no choice. I rolled out of bed, got showered and dressed. After I ate a small bowl of cereal, I walked out of my apartment, getting the text from Jon that he was waiting in front of the building. I hopped in his car and off we went.

While in the car, I could sense that he knew something was bothering me. He didn’t have to dig deep to question it. He was the only one who knew how much I still thought about Claire. He was also the only one, other than Sharpie, that knew how I fucked everything up. He brought up her name once, and I immediately tensed up. I didn’t answer his question, if I was sure I was okay. Of course, I wasn’t sure. I had thrown the one thing that made me happier than I’d ever been away because I made a stupid accusation and thought with the wrong head. Looking out the window, I saw that we had pulled up to the hospital.

Stepping out of the car, I let out a deep sigh. Jon came up beside me and clapped on my shoulder.

“You okay, dude?”

I looked up at him and nodded my head. “As good as I’m gonna be. Let’s go.”

We met up with a couple of our teammates in the lobby. I stepped beside Sharpie.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were staying home with Abby and little one?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Abby and Maddie went out for the day, so I decided to come here after all. What about you? I heard that you were trying to back out of this?”

I let out a small growl. Jon wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. I sighed and looked up at Sharpie.

“Yeah, well, I thought that I would have something else planned, but it fell through. So, here I am.”

Sharpie slowly nodded. I knew he didn’t believe me, but I didn’t push it. I walked back over at Jon with a slight scowl on my face. He raised an eyebrow at me. I opened my mouth to speak, but the coordinator came up to us. She gave us the run down of how the visits were going to go. She asked us to follow her down the hall to the elevators. I walked beside Jon, behind everyone else. I was glancing around, inside the door of each room we passed. When we were passing the cafeteria, I peeked my head in. The people who were sitting in there eating probably thought I was a creeper or something. I was about to continue walking when something, or rather someone caught my eye. I thought I was seeing things, so I stood there for a few seconds. When the person turned their head, I was frozen in place. It was Claire. She looked like she saw a ghost. I didn’t know what to do, if I should walk over to her or continue walking with the boys. I saw that she wasn’t going anywhere, so I took a few steps closer to her. She turned her head back to the person that she was sitting with, who I remembered was Nat. I was about 3 feet away from her, when I heard Jon call my name. I turned my head to look at him.

“Come on, everyone’s already on the elevator.”

I looked back towards Claire. She had turned to face me once again. I gave her a small smile, not knowing what to say, and turned to walk out of the cafeteria. Jon was leaning against the wall beside the door.

“You can’t keep doing this, Kaner.”

I raised my eyebrow at him. “Doing what, Jon? Did you see who I saw?”

He nodded his head. “Yeah, I saw her. But man, Kaner, you gotta let her go.”

I shook my head. “I’ve tried. You’ve seen me, I have tried, but I can’t. I love her, Jon.”

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Claire’s POV

I turned my head back to look at Nat. She was getting ready to leave. I raised an eyebrow at her and then looked at the clock hanging on the wall. Her lunch break was ending and my shift started in 15 minutes. I stood up from the table and helped Nat with the little bit of garbage she had on the table. We walked out of the cafeteria, and headed towards the elevators. I couldn’t get the image of Pat out of my head. When he looked at me, my breath got caught in my throat. I had imagined the day we would speak again many times in my head, but at that moment, I had no idea what he would say. Luckily, I didn’t have to think about it too much, since Jon summoned him out of the cafeteria.

I heard the ding of the elevator, signaling me to get off. I turned to Nat with a small smile.

“You still coming over tonight?”

She nodded slightly. “Yepp, I’ll be there around 8.” I smiled and walked out onto the floor. I walked into the lunchroom and placed my bag on the counter and hung my coat up. Putting my hairnet on and grabbing a pair of rubber gloves, I walked out into the cafeteria. I had walked up to my co-worker, Kelly. She smiled at me.

“Beware with some of the talk you’re gonna hear today. A lot of the ladies here, a surprising range in age, love the Blackhawks. Especially that blonde cutie.”

I let out a light chuckle. “Don’t worry, I can handle it.”

I turned away from her and closed my eyes. Just when I thought I found somewhere that I wouldn’t have to hear about him, he became one of the hot topics of the day.