For All I Know

I felt my breath caught in my throat as I took in his presence. We both stared at each other, thinking of something to say. I wasn’t sure how much Pat had to drink, so I didn’t know how deep into a conversation I should get into.

“Pat…” I didn’t know what else to say. He stood up and on instinct, I stepped back. Pat held a small smile on his face as he stretched his arm out. I couldn’t help but flinch. As much as I had waited for this moment to happen, I felt myself wanting a hole to burn through the floor, so I could fall right through it.

“I’m so----“

“CLAIRE!” The scream of my name cut Pat off and I turned my head to see where the voice was coming from. I saw Jordan walking towards me. I looked back at Pat and saw that he too, was staring at Jordan. I couldn’t have felt more awkward than I did at that moment. I wanted to say something to Pat, like “we’re just friends” or something, but I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t have the time to either, as Jordan walked right up to me and put his arm around my shoulder.

“Did you get your drink?” I nodded up to Jordan, raising my glass. He laughed, “well, where’s mine?”

“Get in line, like everyone else.” I heard Pat grumble. I turned my face to glare at him. His eyes met mine and they softened slightly. Thankfully, over the music, Jordan didn’t hear it. He looked down at me with a raised eyebrow.

“So, dance?” I nodded with a smile. He removed his arm from my shoulders and reached for my hand. He began to pull me onto the dance floor, where I saw his teammates dancing with their “dates”. I looked over my shoulder and saw Pat. He looked so dejected, like what a child looks like when you tell them there’s no Santa.

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Pat’s POV

I had seen Claire walk away with Staal, letting my heart drop a little more, though I brought it on myself. I didn’t have the balls to say anything even though she was standing right in front of me. I had a chance for a solid 3 minutes to say something to her before that jackass Staal walked up and took her away. I sat there for a few more minutes, watching Claire interact with the Penguins on the dance floor, feeling a slight ping of jealousy. After not being able to watch it anymore, I made my way back up to the VIP lounge. Once I got up there, I grabbed another drink and leaned over the balcony. I was looking down at the people dancing, and saw that Carcillo had came up to stand beside me.

“Decided to scope out the ladies, eh?” I smirked at how his Canadian slang came out much more when he was drinking. I was in fact, trying to look at the women dancing, but my eyes kept going back to Claire.

I nodded to Dan. “Yeah, something like that.”

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Claire’s POV

I was having fun, dancing and laughing with Jordan and his teammates. Jordan was giving me a look like he needed to talk to me about something for quite some time, so finally, he pulled me off the dance floor and back towards our table. He stretched his arm out, as if to tell me to sit down. I did as I was “told” and he looked down at me.

“So, what’s up with you and pretty boy?” I rolled my eyes. I never understood why people called Pat that. Sure, he was good looking, but that’s where the comparison between him and other “pretty boys” stopped. I looked up and Jordan and shrugged my shoulders.

“Honestly? I don’t know. We haven’t spoken since the day that Ryan died.” Jordan’s eyes widened after hearing my statement.

“You’re kidding, right? I thought that you were crazy about him.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to indulge in a long, deep conversation about me and Pat with Jordan in the middle of a club.

“Can we not talk about this right now? I came here to have fun.” Jordan smiled at me and heldhis hand out for me. He nodded.

“Sure,” he put his head down to my ear and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, silently telling him it was no big deal and we made our way back to the dance floor.

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an hour later…

Pat’s POV

I was a little more than drunk, but I found myself swaying on the dance floor with some random chick that Carbomb introduced me to. I didn’t know her name, but for the life of me, I didn’t care. Pretty Ricky’s “Grind on Me” was blaring through the speaker, or at least that’s what the song sounded like. I tried to maintain my focus on the girl I was holding onto.

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Claire’s POV

I was taking turns, dancing with each of Jordan’s teammates, while the alcohol flowed through me and the music through the speakers. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this drunk, but in that moment, I didn’t care. I wanted to have a good time, and I knew that I was safe around the Pens. I guess that the DJ had decided to have an “old school” hour or something, as he began to play Nelly’s “Hot in Herre.” The Pens and I decided to stand in a circle screaming the lyrics like idiots, well, most of the Pens. Geno was having a little bit of trouble, but he did his best. The song ended, and I went to get another drink. The bartender gave me a funny look, and gave me a green drink that I have never seen before. Clearly my slurred speech I had got my order screwed up. I took a sip of my drink and slowly and clumsily made it back over to the Pens. I didn’t quite make it to the boys when a pair of arms wrapped around my waist. I tried to turn my head to see his face. I couldn’t see him, but I allowed him to continue to dance with me. Halfway through the song, not being able to contain the heat that was swimming through my body, I turned to face my dance partner. I didn’t care what he looked like, but I pulled him in for a kiss.

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The next morning

I woke up with a pounding headache and no sheer recollection of the previous night’s activities after a certain point. I sat up in bed and looked at my surroundings. Through the pain that had been swimming in my head, I noticed that was I not in my apartment. My eyes widened slightly and wondered why I felt a light breeze. I looked down under the blankets. As my gaze was lowering to notice that I was in fact, naked, I saw that I was not the only one occupying the bed. I looked at the person laying beside me and was trying to get a good look at who it was. I looked around the room I was in for clues. Gazing at the bedside table my heart stopped. I put my hand over my mouth and tried my best to climb out of bed and find my clothes as quickly, and more importantly, as quietly as I could.

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Pat’s POV

I woke up in stir. The last thing I remember was dancing at Sharkey’s. I rolled over in my bed, and noticed that the opposite side of the bed was used. I wished I could remember who it was. Judging by the fact that I was naked, I could only assume we had sex. Being that it was a girl that was sharing my bed with me, of course. I was about to roll back over, figuring whoever it was, had already scurried from my apartment, and planned on falling back asleep, when I heard a crash. I immediately jolted from my bed, slipping on a pair of boxers that were laying on the floor and ran out of my bedroom. I couldn’t see what had crashed right from walking out of my room, so I walked further towards my kitchen. I looked into the doorway of the kitchen and I had to do a double take. Claire is in my kitchen? What the---? I didn’t get much time to dwell on my thoughts as Claire turned around to face me. Her face went white. I was frozen in my spot, just, looking at her. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. Claire was standing in my kitchen, wearing very little clothing. Looking further into the kitchen, I noticed she was reaching for a bra that had somehow got thrown up and tangled around a hanging pot. With the thought of having her in my kitchen once again leaving my mind for a few seconds, another thought came to mind. Claire? I had sex with Claire. I didn’t even remember it. Holy fuck!

I walked closer to her and tried to help her reach the bra. I don’t know what came over me, but I could sense her urgency to leave. I reached up and grabbed the bra and handed it to her. She was still in the same spot and stance since she turned and spotted me in the doorway. The only thing that changed was her gaze. It followed me as I walked up to her and reached for her bra. I handed it to her.

“I guess you’ll be leaving now, then?” I asked her as she took the bra from my hand, her eyes still wide.

“Well, I guess. I mean, did you expect me to stay?” She asked quietly after finally breaking the silence. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, I don’t know. I mean, we still have to talk….about, well everything.” I watched as Claire began to rock on the balls of her feet. She ran her hand through her hair and sighed.

“Well, I don’t think this is the best attire to talk in. Especially after what may or may not have happened last night.” She walked past me out of the kitchen, turning on her heel, clearly not finished. “Can you give me like 5 minutes? I need to find my pants and then we’ll talk. I got some time to kill before Nat gets off work anyways.” Then she took off down the hall.

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Claire’s POV

I left Pat’s kitchen and walked back towards his bedroom. I stepped into his room and closed the door. Leaning my back against the door, I sighed heavily. I had no idea why I let myself do this. Wait a minute, of course I know. I got drunk and allowed what I thought was a stranger take me home. Lord, I’m such an idiot. I stepped away from the door and began to look for my pants. When I found them on the floor near the window sill, I slipped them on quickly. I looked around the room to see if my phone was anywhere in sight. Not seeing it anywhere, I walked back over to the door. Opening it, I jumped at the appearance of Pat leaning on the doorframe.

“Jesus Pat! How long have you been standing there?!” He sent me a small smirk.

“Well, you said you wanted to get changed, so I figured that me being only in my boxers would suffice either.” I nodded shortly, stepping aside and letting him into his room. I began to walk away, but I felt a hand touch my arm lightly. I turned and saw Pat look at me with a sad smile.

“Please don’t leave.”

I had to admit, I had thought about high-tailing it after I found my phone. However, after seeing the look in Pat’s eyes, I felt like I had an obligation to stay. Plus, I knew we would have to talk sometime, and I was already in his apartment. I looked up at him.

“I’ll put a pot of coffee on.” He smiled as he took his hand off my arm and I walked back into the kitchen.

After Pat had changed, he had walked back into the kitchen. I had the pot of coffee made and poured a cup for each of us. I had found my phone and saw that I had 11 texts and 2 missed calls from Nat and 4 texts and 3 missed calls from Jordan. I quickly texted both of them back say that I was fine, telling Nat that I would call her in a little bit. Pat walked over to the side of the island in his kitchen and sat on the bar stool beside me, picking up his cup of coffee.

“Thanks for the coffee….and for staying.” I gave him a small smile. I figured since I was going to stay here for a bit, I may as well start talking.

“Listen Pat…”

“No, Claire, please, let me start.” He cut me off. “I’m so sorry, and when I say that I mean everything, but especially the cheating. We were so happy, and we did have a small fight, which I admit, I started, but I blew it. I admit I was a little angry that you didn’t call me to let me know that Ryan was dying.”

I stood up, not being able to stay silent anymore. “You’ were angry!?” My voice began to rise. “YOU were angry?! How the hell do you think I felt, Pat?! I finally found a guy that I put my trust in, that accepted me and my relationship with Ryan. Yes, I left for Pittsburgh without saying goodbye, and I’m sorry for that, but I did what was best for Ryan and we had to leave in a short amount of time. Did I want you to ask me on a second date, a real date? Yes, I did, but after you phoned me once we went to Pittsburgh, I was hurt. I know the ball was a set-up, and yes, I may have listened to rumours I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help it. I was putting myself out there, all or nothing. What was I supposed to think? Then, then you came to Pittsburgh. I don’t know, something, something changed. I saw the good in you again, but I had gone out with Jordan.”

Pat flinched. “Please, don’t bring him into this. I don’t want to talk about him.”

I sighed. “Pat, he’s a big part of this. He’s the reason we officially got together, but he’s also a big part of why we are the way we are right now.”

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Pat’s POV

I didn’t want to talk about Staal, but Claire kept pressing about it.

“Well, you got really close with him, and you let Ryan get really close with him. I wanted to be that guy! Then when you came back here, you kept saying about how you wished you had stayed in Pittsburgh. How was I supposed to take that?” I looked at Claire, waiting for an answer. She scoffed.

“You were supposed to think about Ryan’s well being. He wasn’t well enough to make the trip back here, but he would do anything to be closer to you. If we had stayed n Pittsburgh even just a few days longer, maybe…” I saw tears begin to well up in her eyes. “Maybe, he’d still be here, or at least would’ve been around a little longer.” She moved her gaze from to the floor and I could hear faint sobs.

I wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around her, but I didn’t know how she’d take that. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

“Claire, you don’t know that. You did what Ryan wanted, and we got him as fast as we could.” I could feel my breath get caught in my throat as I tried to ask one last question. “Why didn’t you call me?” She looked up at me with tears still falling down her face. She looked as though she was lost, and I repeated my question. “When Ryan died, why didn’t you call me?”

She shrugged her shoulders and slumped back into the bar stool beside me. “Pat, I… I just didn’t know what to think. I mean, I let you have your last moments with him. Looking back, should I have called you? Yes, but not for me, but because Ryan asked for you. Did I really want to be alone, holding his hands as he slowly slipped away?” She wiped some of her tears away. “No, of course not, but I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry, I should’ve called you, but I was still so angry at you. A part of me is still angry at you.” I put my head down and rested it on my arm that was laying across the top of the island. I was starting to see why having this conversation while fighting a hangover wasn’t the greatest idea. I looked up and over at Claire. I felt a piece of my heart break.

“I broke my promise…” I whispered.

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Claire’s POV

I heard Pat whisper that he broke his promise and I closed my eyes, letting a few more tears fall.

“Pat, he didn’t know what happened. Believe me,” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. “If he knew, he never would made you promise that. He may have been young, but that boy was wise beyond his years.”

Pat raised his eyebrow to me. “Did he tell you about the promise?” I felt my eyes go wide. I was stuck as to what words were the right ones to say. I wanted to tell him the truth; that I saw him at the cemetery, but I didn’t know how well that would go over. So, I went with option B.

“Yeah, well he didn’t exactly say that he promised you. He just told me that he hoped you would treat me well.”

I saw him drop his head once again. I finally did what I had wanted to do for too long. I leaned over and pulled Pat into a tight hug.

“It’s not your fault, Pat.” I whispered. “don’t beat yourself up about it, he wouldn’t want you to.”

I pulled away and Pat looked into my eyes. “But I can’t help but feel that I let him down. I made a stupid mistake, I let you walk away. I never wanted to do that.” He whispered through the silent tears. “I’m so sorry, Claire.”

I nodded and gave him a small smile. “I accept your apology” I looked at the clock on the wall. “I think I should be heading out. Nat wants to talk to me about something.”

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Pat’s POV

I didn’t want Claire to leave just yet.

“Do you have to go? Can’t you, erm, stay a little longer? Maybe we could, go out to lunch or something.”

She gave a suspicious look and sighed. “I don’t know, Pat. I’m not dressed, and I don’t have a lot of money. I only have enough for a cab ride home.”

“I can drive you home, let you change,” I pleaded, not wanting to say goodbye. “And don’t worry about paying, it’ll be my treat.”

She stuck her hand out and shook her head. “Even if I agree to this, this won’t be a date, Pat. I’ll pay for myself.”

I felt my face fall just a little. She placed a hand on my arm. I looked up at her, she sent me a small smile.

“I need time. Please understand that.”

I nodded. “I do understand that, but I just feel like if I let you walk out that door, you’ll never come back.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Not going to lie, I thought about it.”

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “See?” I began to fidget with my coffee mug in my hands. “I can’t lose you again, Claire.” I whispered, just loud enough for her to hear me.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. “You’re the one who pushed me away, Pat.”

I sat up and turned to look at her, only to notice she was closing my apartment door behind her. I jumped off my seat and ran out the door. I knew she didn’t get far, and thankfully, she was taking the elevator. She saw me running towards her and began to push the button frantically. I slowed down as I got closer to her. I put my hand over hers as she tried to push the button again. She snapped her head towards me and our eyes locked.

“Please,” I whispered. “Tell me what I have to do.”

She sighed. “Pat, I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

“Well then, what about tomorrow? Lunch? I have morning skate, but then I’m free until I go to Dan’s radio show.”

She pondered on the idea. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. She stepped in, still no answering me.

“Claire…” She looked at me as the doors begin to close. Just before I lost sight of her, I finally got my answer.

“Okay.”

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Claire’s POV

I finally agreed to lunch with Pat. Partly to get him to stop asking, but also partly because I wanted him back in my life. I called a cab and made my way home. During the cab ride, I texted Nat, telling her I would call her when I got home. She immediately replied back, telling me that I had some explaining to do. I lightly chuckled at that as I stepped out of the cab and paid the cab driver. I walked into my building, my wallet feeling incredibly lighter, but that’s what I get for living on the outskirts of the city. I stood in the elevator in silence as it made its way up to my floor. When I walked out I was shocked at what I saw. Someone was sleeping on the floor along the wall beside my door. When I stepped closer, I realized who it was.

“Jordan?”