Who Knew Then? (What We Know Now?)

“So…” she started, her arms crossed across her large belly, drawing my attention to it.

“Kass, I’m so sorry. Every single minute of every day I’ve regretted it – I was angry, I was hurt, and I had no right to take it out on you. I was feeling stupid and inferior, and I lashed out at you because of it. I didn’t mean any of the things I said Kass – not the way I said them. I know I’m not good enough for you, I know you can do light years better – as I can guess by Stepan – and I always worried that one day you’d realize it and leave me in the dust. I guess I was feeling even less like I deserved you and that made me try to push you away, because I didn’t feel like I deserved anything. So instead I hurt you, and when you asked me what the last five years had meant I didn’t reply because I was still stuck on what you’d said before, and because there’s too many words for an idiot like me to manage to describe when I’m angry. Those five years were the best of my life Kass; you’re my world, the love of my life, and I just want you to be happy. If that’s not with me I understand, I mean, you’ve got Stepan, and obviously he cares a lot about you, and…” I tilted my head towards her stomach, and while I wasn’t sure what reaction I was going to get, her bursting into tears was not it. I stood there shocked for a moment before slowly wrapping my arms around her. It was so familiar, yet so different, but it felt right regardless.

“Jared…” she started, but I quieted her.

“It’s okay Kass, I just needed you to know. Don’t feel bad about caring about someone else, I’ll get over it,” I assured her, but she shook her head and pushed away.

“That’s not what I was going to say, so just shut up and listen,” that surprised me, and I stood there, eyes wide and mouth shut.

“Jared, you hurt me like nobody ever has before. You tore my damn heart out and ripped it to shreds and threw it at my feet. I’ve never cried over anybody the way I cried over you. I gave up everything for you, because I loved you. And you had the nerve to throw that back at me. I was sick those two weeks, and instead of taking the time for myself I spent it trying to make sure you were going to be okay. How the hell you thought that was okay is beyond me. I get it, you were angry, hurt, and feeling inferior, but to ask me why I wasn’t going for somebody who was a better hockey player? That was just insulting. You made me feel like a worthless puck bunny Jared, and I’m not going to put up with that,” she told me, tears streaming down her pretty face.

“I know, and you have no idea how awful I feel about all of that. I understand why you didn’t want to speak to me, why nobody told me where you were or that you were coming to the game, I get it Kass. If I were you I wouldn’t want anything to do with me either,” I agreed, and her expression softened.

“I just had to apologize Kass. I won’t fight for you if you don’t want me to. If you and Stepan are happy together with your… with your baby… then I’ll accept that,” I said, and her eyes widened.

“Derek and I aren’t together,” she said, and it was my turn to be surprised.

“You’re kidding – I see how he looks at you, how he acts around you. There’s no way in hell you aren’t dating him,”

“I’m not Jared, I think I would know,” she retorted, and I struggled to make sense of it.

“But you’re pregnant,” I immediately regretted the words the instant they lift my lips, wishing I could kick myself in the ass for them. The look on Kass’s face told me she might just kick my ass for me.

“You know what? If you hadn’t been such an ignorant ass you would’ve wondered why I’d been sick so much during pre-season Jared. You might’ve went with me to the doctor, or at least listened to me when I got home. I tried to tell you before that happened, but I didn’t get a chance to, and after you made me feel like shit I really had no inclination to tell you,” she exclaimed, and my mind was working a million miles a minute trying to put together what she was saying.

“W-wait, so it’s not Stepan’s baby?”

“No dumbass! I’m seven months pregnant. Seven,” she said, my brain nearly exploded as I did the math.

“Oh my God…” she was having my baby.

“Kass, oh my God I’m so sorry,” I felt the tears hot behind my eyes then, and they began to stream down my face as she moved away when I tried to embrace her.

“Kass I wish I would’ve known,” she looked up at me then, fear in her beautiful eyes as she regarded me.

“Really? You thought your whole life was falling apart right before your eyes, the last thing you would’ve wanted to hear was that I was pregnant,” she scoffed, but I shook my head.

“No, that’s not true. I love you Kass, happy, angry, pregnant or not,” I insisted, and when I wrapped my arms around her she didn’t pull away.

“Really?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“Of course baby. I can’t believe… I’ve missed seven whole months…” my brain couldn’t comprehend it, and I slowly placed my hand against her stomach, and felt a small kick, before a stronger one that made a surprised sound come from her throat.

“Izzy usually only does that for Derek,” she quietly admitted, and I felt furious that he’d taken my place in my baby’s life, even if it was still unborn.

“Kass, can you ever forgive me?” I asked, looking down at her.

“I don’t know Jared,” she admitted, and I felt my heart start to crack around the edges. I couldn’t handle rejection from her now, as much as I wanted to, not after learning that she was pregnant with my baby.

“Do you want to try?” I asked, and she leaned hard against me.

“There has to be a reason you aren’t with Derek, Kass. I mean, he seems like the perfect guy, but you keep denying he’s anything romantic to you. Please, if you have any feelings left for me after all I’ve done to you, can we try to make this work? I want to be part of your life, I need you in mine, and I want to be there for my baby,” I whispered, and she sobbed.

“I just don’t know Jared,”

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay. I don’t want to push you baby. We can start slow, just talking on the phone and stuff like that if you don’t want to come back to Raleigh with me. I’ll understand,” I continued, and she nuzzled her face against my chest, just like she always used to.

“Jared, I want to, I just don’t know…”

“You could stay with Eric and Tanya. I understand if you don’t want to live with me, I get it that you can’t just jump right back to trusting me and be where we were before. But I love you more than anything Kass, you have to know that. You’re my world, and our baby will be part of that,” I told her, pushing a few stray hairs out of her face.

“Unless you want to stay here with Stepan,” it nearly killed me to say it, but I had to put it out there. She had to know she had the choice, that I was willing to give her up if it meant she was happy and safe, and that our baby would grow up the way she knew would be best.

“I have to think about it Jared, I can’t just make this decision tonight,” she finally whispered, and I nodded.

“Of course baby, I wouldn’t expect you to. Just… call me? Whenever you feel up to it?” I suggested, and she slowly nodded. I couldn’t resist kissing the top of her head before writing down my new Raleigh cell number on a piece of paper on her desk.

“Thank you Kass, thanks for giving me the chance. And don’t feel pressured either way; I just want you safe and happy, and I want the same for our baby. Just… just promise me if you choose him I can still be part of our baby’s life? I don’t want to be one of those nonexistent fathers… it can be totally on your terms, but I want my baby to know who I am,” I told her, and she nodded, fresh tears cascading down her reddened cheeks.

“Bye Jared,” she said, hugging me close to her. I leaned my chin against the top of her head, wishing I could make this moment last a lifetime.

“Bye Kass. I love you,” I couldn’t keep the words from slipping out, before I pulled away from her embrace and walked out to the living room, seeing Lindsay and Stepan sitting at the kitchen table, looking edgy. Stepan looked ready to rip my throat out, and I didn’t blame him.

“I just needed to talk to her, thanks for letting me do that. You’re lucky Stepan – she really does care about you,” I said, and saw absolute shock on his face. I realized as I left that my words probably gave him the impression that she’d already made her decision. I didn’t correct it though, because I could tell I’d already overstayed my welcome. All I could do was try to sleep in a cold hotel bed and hope like hell she’d choose me.