Two Way Street

I stared emptily at the phone in my hand. It slipped noiselessly onto the floor by my feet.

I made no move to pick it up.

There was nothing inside of me any longer. It was darkness and sadness, and that was all. I couldn’t manage to cry. I could hardly blink.

So that was it, then.

It was offensive to him that I didn’t have trust in him while he was gone? How could he think that this was about him? It wasn’t. That’s all there was to it. It was not him, it was me.

That phrase It’s not you, it’s me came to mind, and I only wished that he could see that. I stared at the picture of Liam and I icily, praying it would knock itself over. I no longer wanted to waste energy on him. Moving his picture would have been giving him recognition and that’s not what I wanted.

What I was going to do was forget about him.

Liam Payne would never been in my mind for the rest of the night. I was over him already.
*****

The shot of tequila flamed my throat as I swallowed hard, slapping the tiny glass onto the hard wooden counter. “I need another, Rick. I need another right now.”

“You’ve have four already, Mara. Don’t you think you should slow down a bit?” he said, concern edging his voice.

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t need your concern, Rick. I just need the alcohol that you supply. So hit me up, I’m willing to pay.”

“With what money? Your boyfriends’?” Rick asked, bemused.

I licked my lips and pushed away from the bar. “Put it on my tab, you dick.”

“Did I say something wrong?” Rick asked the customer who had sat next of me. I heard an offhand answer of confusion and worry. I rolled my eyes and continued to the booth at the edge of the bar itself. I need some quiet, some alone time to collect my thoughts, scrambled though they were.

I didn’t like my thoughts. They scared me.

Thoughts of Liam coming back to find me. Thoughts of me going to find Liam in whatever country he was. Thoughts of drinking until I couldn’t get up and walk home. Thoughts of killing myself.

The last one was the one that scared me the most.

Even after my parents had died at a young age and I’d gone to stay with Louis and his family, I’d never thought about killing myself. I’d always found some reason to live when I’d halfway contemplated it. And that reason was always, regardless of how upset I had been, was Louis.

But I couldn’t call him. He was best friends with Liam and he would no doubt side with Liam. It wasn’t my fault I had trust issues because my parents died. I was tempted to pull my phone out of my pocket and call Louis, but he needed time to comfort Liam.

Like he needed it as much as I did.

I leaned my head back against the plastic leather cushion of the booth. I inhaled and exhaled sharply through my nose until I smelled something almost familiar, but not quite. It was a similar musky scent of aftershave. It was the smell of a worn leatherjacket and man’s shampoo. I opened my eyes begrudgingly and saw someone unfamiliar to me. Blue eyes and light hair, almost resembling Niall’s.

It hit me.

With the loss of Liam, I’d lost my friends. I’d lost my confidant, Louis. I’d lost my roommate and possibly best friend, Harry. I lost my personal chef, Niall. I lost the person who I could intellectual conversations with, Zayn.

“Why is someone so beautiful as you sitting alone at a bar on a Friday night?” he asked softly. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and smiled at me, his eyes glinting.

“Mourning my losses or trying to forget someone. It depends on how you look at it,” I muttered spitefully.

“Something wrong?” He cocked his head to the side and his smile dissipated.

I shrugged and cracked my neck both ways. “Nothing I want to talk to you about. You’re a stranger about my life problems? Anyways, it’s nothing I can’t handle by myself. I’ve been handling myself my entire life. Why don’t you just piss off, eh?”

He held up his hands in surrender. “I was just trying to be a good samaritan. But you know what could really make you forget about your problems?”

I raised an eyebrow in speculation. “More drinks? Because I’d be up for some more drinks.”

He shook his head. “Something better.”

“What’s better than drinking?” I mumbled. I blinked lethargically to display my complete and utter boredom with him. He was attractive. He had a strong jaw and a strong brow. His blue eyes were piercing and his hair was fair enough, straight and disheveled. He was completely opposite of how Liam looked.

No, stop it, Mara, I hissed internally. You do not need Mr. Liam Self Righteous Payne to be happy. You don’t even need to be happy do you? You can make it on your own, can’t you? You have for almost your entire life. You can be happy for a night. For a night with a stranger.

“Judging by the look in your eyes, you know what’s better than drinking,” he said with a wink.

I bit my lip. “Your place or mine?”
*****
His lips weren’t soft like Liam’s. They weren’t gentle or even loving. They were harsh, demanding, lustful. I didn’t like it. I wanted Liam’s lips. I wanted Liam’s hands and I wanted Liam’s love instead of this false love that I was pretending to have for this stranger whose name I didn’t even know. His hands were demanding as they tore at my clothes and grabbed at my skin. His lips were angry as he tried to kiss me.

In the morning, I’d call Louis and pray he’d understand. I needed my friends back and I needed love.