About a Girl

An hour later all three bands, including any roadies they had, were now jammed together in a small restaurant. There was a total of 20 people. 20 very strange European people, so we were getting some weird stares. The stares seemed to not affect any of the others, but they were definitely bothering me. I know they weren't pointed at me. I mean, I was the most normal looking out of all of them, but they still bothered me.

I was seated between Erik and Emil, again, and in front of us were three members from the two other bands. Their names were Oskar, Marko, and Lukas. Oskar and Marko were in a band from Germany and Lucas was in a band from Norway. They were all pretty nice, making conversation about all the different bands in Europe. It was definitely a topic that I was very fond of, especially when they started talking about tour stories. All was good, until Erik decided to start flirting again.

"So Chelsea," he said putting an arm around me, "Wanna go to the restrooms and finish what we started this morning."

I couldn't help but make a face of discomfort as I tried removing his arm from my shoulders. He only pulled me closer to him.

"Oooh, something going on between you two," Oskar teased.

I felt myself blush. Fuck, I need a pill or a cigarette. Something to calm me down.

"Yeah, just this morning-," I elbowed Erik in the stomach before he could say anything. I was blushing harder. "What?" he said as he pretended to be hurt. "Don't try and hide your feelings," he smirked. "Are you ashamed of me?"

I could never deal with teasing, not even in school. One time, the kids saw it funny that I had to wear glasses and decided to call me names like 'four eyes' and 'spazz'. The teasing got so bad one day that I had a panic attack. Which was something I felt like I was about to have right now. I could feel them all staring at me as I looked down at my plate. I felt like I was back on the playground. On my knees crying while everyone pointed. They were making fun of me. I just knew it. My face felt hot and it was getting harder to breathe. I needed to get out of here.

I quickly got up from the table almost tipping the chair over, all the while earning some odd looks from the others. Great, more unwanted attention. I made my way outside and looked around. It was so open, nowhere to hide. Shit. I ran to the back area of the restaurant and sat on the curb of the sidewalk. I placed my head in my hands and tried to calm myself.

"Why didn't I bring some extra pills? Why didn't I bring my cigarettes?" I kept scolding myself. "Why must I be such an awkward idiot?"

"Hey," Alex said as he sat next to me.

I kept my head in my hands.

"You wanna talk?" he asked.

I kept quiet.

"Well that's fine with me, I can sit here all day till you talk."

"You'll miss the show," I mumbled into my hands.

"So, I'm not moving till you talk."

"You'll think I'm crazy."

"Look who you're talking too. Everyone in that place right now is just as crazy, if not crazier, than you."

"That doesn't help," I muttered.

"Just talk to me."

I looked up at him. He seemed really sincere, like he actually cared. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Of course."

"Swear it," I said.

"I swear on the band that I won't tell a soul,'' he said with his right hand raised.

"I feel stupid. It's stupid," I began rambling.

"Chels," he placed a hand on my shoulder, "Relax, okay."

I nodded my head. "I-I.." I was having a hard time trying to put my thoughts together. Alex squeezed my shoulder in reassurance. I tried to smile at him. "I was always the weird one growing up. I was a dork who liked horror movies and rock. I never acted my age. I always tried to act like a 30 year old, but I couldn't help it. It was how my dad raised me. I was such an easy target and everyone took advantage of that. I had so many panic attacks I thought I was gonna die by the age of ten."

Alex was looking at me like he wanted to hug me. I felt like an idiot. Telling a guy I know nothing about my whole life story. He motioned for me to continue on.

"I got so used to the teasing, that I began to hear them in my head. I could hear them whisper to me. Everywhere I went I felt like all eyes were on me and they were all judging me, making fun of me. I know I was stupid to think that. I mean...I know that there are people out there who judge at first glance, but not everyone does it. And no matter how many times I told myself that I was overreacting, the voices would never go away."

At this point Alex had put his arm around my shoulders in a comforting way. He was probably thinking I was some kind of crazy schizophrenic. I was surprised he wasn't running away.

"That's why I freaked out back there. Having them all stare at me and teasing me. And I know that they don't mean it, that they're just messing around, but it just gets to me. Too many bad memories."

"Well I can tell you this, no one in that restaurant will ever judge you."

I laughed. "They probably think I'm some fucking psycho right now."

"No they don't," he tried to reassure me.

"How would you know!" I yelled standing up. "How could you possibly know what they're thinking!" Great. I just blew up at him and now he's gonna regret ever inviting me to the shows.

"Look," he reached out towards me and placed his hands on either side of me. He was really trying to keep his temper. "I can promise you that none of them will think any less of you because you had a little outburst. We've all been through shit and none of them are gonna judge you. I promise." He was looking me dead in the eye, as if he was not trying to talk to me, but to my soul.

I knew he was right. Everyone has shit happen to them and what I'm going through is nothing. I'm just making everything seem worse than it is. I really needed to get a hold of myself. "I'm sorry for yelling," I said to my feet.

He lifted up my face and smiled, "All is forgiven."

"I found them!" We looked up to see Emil pointing at us while looking behind him. "They're over here."

"You good?" Alex asked me.

I nodded my head and he smiled at me. I wasn't good, but my nerves were calm now.

"Fuck man, we were worried about you two," Emil said as he walked towards us.

"We're fine," Alex said looking at me. "You all finished yet," he said directing his attention back to Emil.

"Yeah, we just paid, but the other bands left already."

"Okay, we should be getting back to the venue too," Alex said while walking forward. Then he looked back at me, "Coming?"

I smiled at him and we headed back to the van.