Mess You Made

Sadie—

Of course, the one-year anniversary of my leaving started off terribly.

I woke up to the sound of my parents fighting. Ever since I got back, there hadn’t been one single argument. This was improvement, since my mother and father had been having daily quarrels since I was in grade school. But I guess today was the day that set one of them off, and we were back in the past.

Like when I was younger, I stayed in bed. I just listened as their booming voices echoed throughout the house, screaming to each other over and over again.

I curl my blanket into my chest, resting my cheek against my pillow. Even though hearing your parents fight isn’t the easiest thing to listen to, it helped me clear my head. Oddly enough, it helped me stay sane.

It helped me know I wasn’t the only who didn’t have a healthy relationship.

Minutes later, there was one last yell and then the front door slamming shut. Since it was a Thursday, this was my father leaving for work. I glance at the clock, giving a small exhale of breath when I see it’s the same time my dad always stormed out. It’s weird to think I ran away from this, wanting to get away from the fighting and the pain all those years ago, and here I am.

Right back where I started.

I sit up and grab my phone, seeing I had one new text message. It was from, surprise, surprise, Cassadee. I click it open and raise a brow. Big breakthrough.

I tap REPLY and start typing. As in?

After taking a quick shower and changing into my usual jeans and t-shirt, I grab my phone from the dresser and click it on to see that Cassadee had replied. I read it over as I walk down the stairs, my footsteps staggering at her words. I finally talked some sense into Alex. He agreed that he and Jack need to make up.

I couldn’t help but grin. It was ridiculous they were still holding a grudge after an entire year, but it was nice it was finally gonna come to a close. Fucking finally.

I found my mom in the kitchen.

She was sitting at the dining table, her head in her hands and her shoulders shaking. I freeze in the doorway, my heart shattering at the sight of her. Your mother is the one person you will forever hold a place for in your heart. When she cries, you cry. When she’s angry, you’re angry. And right now, I felt like ripping my father’s head off.

“Do you love him?”

Her broken voice startled me and I glance over at her once again. She still had her face hidden in her hands, but her shoulders had ceased their shaking.

“Dad?” I clear my throat. “I mean, I hate that he’s always yelling but—”

“No,” Mom cuts me off. She wipes at her tears with her hands before looking back up at me. I don’t know what did it, but she looked ten years old than she really was. The circles under eyes, the wrinkles in her face, the tiredness of her body. It all put everything into perspective for me. “Alex.”

That was the first time she had spoken his name in front of me. She tried to avoid this topic of conversation at all costs, but I guess that was a defenestration.

“Uhm…” I felt my entire mouth go dry.

“I know you said that you couldn’t choose between the two,” my mom continues. I try to swallow but it got stuck in my throat. “That the decision was too difficult because you love both of them. But it’s quite obvious which one you’ve wanted to choose all along, you just didn’t want to hurt the other.”

“Mom—”

“I know the consequences of choosing the wrong person,” she admits. “Your father had always been there. So I married him. But our marriage has been on a broke foundation for years and I’ve started to regret it.”

“I didn’t choose anyone. I left.”

She nods. “I know. And that was a bad decision on your part.”

My face droops. “How? I didn’t want to hurt anybody; didn’t want to cause any pain. Isn’t that better than causing one man suffering for his whole life?”

My mom gives a bitter chuckle. “You hurt both of them by leaving. I know you and your friend Cassadee talk about it. I’ve heard what she’s said. I can tell they are both so hurt that neither of them can look back on it.”

“Which is why I can’t return to Maryland,” I hiss. “They both hate me.”

“They want to hate you,” my mother corrects. “But they are both still in love with you and that’s all they can think about.”

I grind my teeth together. “I don’t want to discuss this. I thought coming here would ensure that I could get away. Not be scolded by you, who wasn’t even present during this time of my life.” I turn sharply on my heel and walk away from her, going into the living room. “At least give me the decency of keeping these opinions to yourself.”

“You and I both know you want to go back.”

I stop dead in my tracks, my shoulders stiffening. I look back at my mother, my eyes widening. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, meaning I had a response from Cass.

“Go back?” I ask. I could tell the tone of my voice was aghast, like the mere idea of going back would kill me and everyone else. Which, in my opinion, it would set off a chain reaction of things completely out of my control.

My mother stands up, crossing her arms over her chest. “Stop denying it. You want to go back more than anything.”

“Of course I do!” I retaliate. “But that doesn’t mean I should!”

“Maybe it’s the best thing to do,” my mom continues. “Don’t you think going back would give them some closure? Shouldn’t you at least talk to them about why you left and see their side of things? I know Cassadee said that she wants them to get over it. And I know for damn sure that you want to get over it too. But have you? No. And have they? Probably not.”

“Going back wouldn’t accomplish anything,” I growl, clenching my hands at my sides. I felt like pushing my own mother. “Are you saying if I don’t go back you’ll kick me out or something?”

“Of course not. I just want you to think.”

“Think about returning to all of my problems?”

My mother snaps her fingers. “There. That right there shows that you are a coward. Instead of facing your problems head-on and showing that you are a woman capable of fighting her battles, you ran. It makes you a coward, Sadie.”

“This isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear from you.”

“What did you want to hear from me?” my mother asks, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. “‘Oh, Sadie, I am so sorry that two men love you. It’s a good thing you decided to come all the way across the country to avoid them.’ I am your mother. I am supposed to tell you the right thing to do. That was not the right thing to do.”

“Why didn’t you say all of this to me when I first got here a year ago?” I swallow, tears forming in my eyes knowing not even my mother was on my side.

“I didn’t think you’d be here for so long.”

I give her an incredulous look.

“Sadie,” she sighs, clearly exasperated with me. “I thought you’d be here for only a matter of days before seeing what you did wrong. Leaving was wrong. You should have stayed there and told them who you wanted. Sometimes you have to suck it up and face your fears. But you didn’t.”

“Mom, I—”

“Didn’t want to hurt anybody,” she finishes for me. “I understand. But sometimes you have to hurt someone in order to make yourself happy.”

“Do you really think I should go back and be a bridesmaid, try to look happy when I am clearly miserable?” I scoff, shaking my head. I try to muster up a smile but I knew it came out as more of a grimace. “Everyone would see right through that.”

“You don’t owe anyone anything,” she immediately responds. “Go back for yourself. Not for anyone else. All right?”

I exhale slowly. “I can’t—”

“Yes you can. At least think about it. Okay?”

I try to imagine going back. Could I really do it? Could I really return to the place I’d been trying to forget existed for the past year? Could I really face all my old friends without remembering everything I’d done to them? But most of all, could I face everything I’d been running from?

“Okay.”

My mom nods. “Now go upstairs and call Cassadee. Tell her to make up her guest room. I know for a fact you’ll eventually go. It’s obvious the answer is going to be yes.”