Darkness Within Light

I woke to gentle breathing on my shoulders. I rolled over to see Zak laying on his stomach. I propped myself up on one elbow and studied him.

I wonder if he’s as pure as he looks when he sleeps.

I let my free hand run softly over his back and shoulders, my fingers tracing the swells and creases of muscular definition. He took a deep breath in response. I engaged my nails in the exploration of his back and arms and I saw a smile curl on his face.

“Mmm, that feels amazing,” he mumbled.

I smiled. Time to play. I straddled his ass and used both hands to scratch and massage, starting with his lower back working upwards. I worked from his shoulders to his fingertips and back up to his neck and scalp, running my nails through his thick hair. I planted a slow kiss between his shoulderblades and rolled off of him.

He sighed and then propped himself up on his elbows and stared at me.

“Desiree…”

“What do you want for breakfast?” I interrupted, now 100% sober, I still wasn’t sure how I felt about him... or about him staying over. Not that I regret it, but in regards to our interactions moving forward... ugh.

He just stared at me with an unreadable smile. “Whatever you want sounds good to me.”

I gave him a gentle smile. “Okay.”

As soon as I opened my bedroom door, Holly came staggering in the front door.

“Hey woman.”

“Hey sweetheart, how hung over are you?” Boy I can mimic a damn good June Cleaver when I want to.

She flopped onto the couch, beckoned Sadie into her lap, and groaned.

I smirked, “Must be bad, you’re letting the polar bear on our black couch!”

“Fuck you.”

“Hey now, Miss sandy-vagina, get over yourself... Want hangover-eggs?”

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

I laughed out loud. “Alrighty. Eggs for three coming up.”

Her eyes flew open. "Three?!"

I darted into the kitchen, ignoring her.

I cracked six eggs in a bowl. I poured in a little water a little lime juice and a cup each of extra-spicey pico de gallo and fresh blueberries. I began mixing it all together.

“Ahem!” Holly was standing in the doorway, hand on one hip, giving me her ultimate bitch-glare. I raised my eyebrows, keeping my focus on the mixture in my hands.

“Yes?”

“So you brought him home?!”

“Nothing happened.”

She sighed and joined me. She poured olive oil in a pan and set it on the stove along with a griddle. She turned on the burners and pulled a package of bacon out of the refrigerator.

“Nothing happened, my ass. You shared a bed!”

“So?” I poured the egg mixture into the pan and set the bacon on the griddle.

She took one of my hands, frowning. “Why did you even invite him in? Moreover why didn’t you tell him to go home when you were ready to crash? I know you, Des.”

I shrugged. “I wasn’t tired so I invited him in for a movie.”

“Uh huh?”

“And…” Shit. Here we go. I sucked in a deep breath.

“We saw the shadow. I was majorly freaked out. He offered to stay and he even kept his hands to himself.”

…Mostly.

Holly went pale. She drew me into a tight hug. “I had no idea it would follow you here! God I’m sorry, girl.”

“You and me both.”

We heard footsteps and turned to see Zak wandering into the kitchen. He plopped down behind the bar on one of Holly’s rickety old barstools that we swiped from some bar in Austin. He ran a hand through his hair and yawned.

“Morning, princess,” he said to Holly.

She smirked. “Heya, blue-balls.”

“Slut.”

“Freak.”

“Carpet-muncher.”

“Meat-wad.”

I smacked a palm to my forehead. “So glad to hear you two getting along.” I turned the bacon and began stirring the eggs a little faster.

Holly laughed and walked over to Zak, placing a peck on his forehead. “Of course.”

Zak sniffed the air. “Bacon?”

“Hell yeah! Hey Holly could you set the table? I can’t stop stirring the eggs right now.”

Holly groaned, hangover still in full swing. She set out butter, honey, apricot preserves, blueberry jam, salt and pepper. This hiatus from conversation was making me nervous. I could feel Zak’s eyes on me, burning holes in me, even with my back to him.

Holly popped some bread into the toaster oven, then poured herself a glass of orange juice. “Des, what do you want to drink?”

“Grapefruit juice.”

“Konan?”

He blinked at her. “Milk?”

“Roger that.” She sent him a sarcastic wink and bumped hips with me as she passed by me to raid the refrigerator.

Ten minutes later the pico-blueberry eggs were ready and I divided them onto three plates. I added the bread, then the bacon, giving Zak’s plate a little extra worth since he probably weighed more than Holly and I combined.

Zak sat down at the table while Holly ran to the living room to turn on some music.

“You bitch, WHY Kenny G??” I set the plates on the table and sat across from Zak.

She giggled as she returned to the table. “Why not?”

Zak studied his plate… more specifically, his eggs.

“Blueberries?”

“Yeah.”

He scrunched his nose. “Really?”

I squeezed his hand. “Trust. Besides if you hate it I think we have half a cow worth of ground beef in the fridge if I need to cook it, Muscle-Man.”

He rolled his eyes, shrugged, and took a bite. I watched him closely waiting for his reaction.

I got surprise. “That’s actually damn good. Is this another Texas thing?”

Holly shook her head. “This is a Desiree’s-Crazy-Mom-Thing.”

I smiled into my plate and began putting apricot preserves on my toast. “Yeah, she likes to get creative with recipes… and every once in a while she comes up with something fantastic.”

Holly snorted. “We won’t tell you about the not-fantastic ones.”

He smiled.

* * * * * *

::So… How was YOUR night?:: Veronique texted me. I giggled, Holly must’ve called her.

::It was alright. I’m glad he took me home.::

::I’m SURE ;)::

::NOTHING HAPPENED!!!::

My phone rang. Damnit, V.

“Nothing happened?”

“No, of course not… Why?”

“Zak came over today just before lunch time to do some research with Nick. They’re digging around for more locations for their show. Desiree, that man has not stopped talking about you since he got here.”

I rolled my eyes. “Uh huh.”

“What the hell is your hang-up?”

“He’s hot. He’s famous. He’s flirtatious. And there is no way I’m up to the caliber to be worth his time.” Great, Des. Now I just gave myself ammunition to be bitter for the past 24 hours.

“Whatever, girl. He keeps talking about how pretty your hair is, how gentle-hearted you are, how smart you are, how good your cooking is...”

“Is there a point to this?”

She let out an exasperated sigh from me interrupting her. “He told Nick about the shadow figure in your apartment, and how you reacted to it.”

“And?” I felt my cheeks get warm. I'm not ashamed of my beliefs, but I don't like feeling showcased or gawked at.

“He said you responded similarly to one of their friends who is a Bishop, only less aggressive and less rehearsed.”

I snorted, “well yeah; I’m not Catholic.”

She was quiet for a moment. “So… you don’t think that all that stuff – the holy water, the exorcism rites – will keep you safe from the demonic?”

“Absolutely not.”

I may have just doused her ability to feel safe about what her husband does for a living, but why lie? She’d figure it out sooner or later.

“That’s really interesting. Hey, Nick is calling for me so I gotta let you go. Catch you later, babe!”

“Bye.”

* * * * * *

“NO!!!”

I was royally pissed.

“But Des…”

“No! No, no, no. I will NOT allow it.”

Zak put the bag he was carrying down on my couch and tried to put his hands on my shoulders, but I violently shook him off.

“Please. I want to help you.”

“No you don’t! You want another nail-biting fucking episode!”

Nick and Aaron started to mumble explanations and intercessions, but I shot them a look that would freeze water. They looked at the floor.

The guys had come to me offering an investigation of our loft. In reality, me and my demon.

I’m the freak to pin a feature on. I was balking – vehemently – but Zak was just as persistent.

“I don’t want you getting scratched and terrorized in your own home anymore.”

“Then get all of this shit OUT of here!” I waved an arm at the equipment that the guys had prematurely piled up in our foyer. “You want to ‘help’ but I’m sure this would do wonders for your ratings. I will NOT be a pawn for you. I will NOT be the circus freak that you parade on national television. This is not some damned ghost adventure! This is my burden, my thorn, and my LIFE!”

I brushed past them and slammed the front door open. “Get out.”

Zak gave a shrugging nod to Nick and Aaron, and they picked up their gear and walked out the door. I was still trying to fight back the horrified tears welling up in my throat. Then I noticed that Zak had stayed put, his blue eyes intense, locked on mine.

I pointed at the door, but he didn't budge.

“Out.”

“No.”

The tears that had been choking me began to spill over. I noticed that he had hurt in his eyes too, but I couldn’t conjure up any sentiments for him. Fuck him for playing me like this, I should have known, I kept thinking. I felt used and isolated.

“Sit down, Desiree.”

“Excuse me?”

He took a firm hold of my hand and led me to the couch. “I will leave. But not until I make sure we are on the same page.”

“Hmph,” I collapsed on the couch, pouting.

He knelt down on the ground, taking both of my hands in his. “Desiree, when I first met you, something captured me. And the more I’ve learned about you, the more you’ve haunted me. This has nothing to do with the show.”

“Yeah right!” I don't do well with drawn out explanations when I'm upset; my ADD began raging inside of me, making it hard to sit still and focus.

“Desiree, we just wanted to find out what it is that is following you around. We aren’t even going to take the records to the office unless you tell us to.”

I looked at his eyes. They were reflecting my feelings of betrayal and hurt. Really?

“I want to trust you.”

“Why can’t you?”

“You can’t just change what you do after six years for some girl you’ve only known for six months. You’ll get evidence that is too good to keep quiet about, and you guys will find a way to publicize it whether I give consent or not. Besides, you’ll only make it worse!”

He shook his head. He put a hand on the back of my head and pulled my forehead to his, sighing.

“Do you honestly think that you are just another girl to me? Another publicity stunt?”

DON’T go there, I thought. I swatted his hands away. “Why shouldn’t I think that, Zachary?”
He frowned and looked down.

Exactly.

I sat and waited for him to give an explanation. After a few minutes he looked up at me, and I was shocked to see water in his eyes.

“All the girls I’ve met are all about me because of what I do or what I make. They’re all about the show and just want to find a way to convince me that they’re worth it. To be honest it’s kind of disgusting. You are a woman that not only handles the paranormal in a more cautious, logical way, but even more so you don’t get starstruck with me. Most girls I know that want in on my life are the kinds that will mimic me when it comes to paranormal, just trying to prove themselves.” He paused, sighing.

“More relationships have ended from them realizing that they aren’t ready for that.”

“I understand that.” I've been there, too.

His voice raised slightly. “But... I don’t know what to tell you. Yes I flirt with fans, yes I work out a lot to maintain the body the public wants. But I don’t feel like I have to be in a spotlight when I’m with you. I can just be me…” He grasped for my hands again and I relented.

"Desiree, you still don’t trust me. So I don’t know what you want me to do to fix this!” He let his frustration come out in his tone, which almost pissed me off, but I took a deep breath.

Think through it, Des. Really, from that point of view you can see why he’s upset. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself enough to think through this mess rationally.

“Okay. I don’t know what to tell you either, building trust with me is just going to take time. Honestly, that’s a moot point at this moment, Zak. My first and initial problem in this conversation though is you guys coming into my home and trying to draw out the demon that has followed me around all my life.”

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a deep hug, despite my lack of response to this touch. He whispered into my hair, “Then it won't happen. Forget it. Don’t worry about it, we’ll figure something out. The last thing I want to do is to hand you more reasons to doubt me."

I wasn't quite ready to forgive him, but I didn’t pull back. “So, to conclude the debate, the answer is a resounding ‘no,’” I mumbled into his chest.

“Agreed.” He stood up to leave.

“Zak?”

He turned to face me.

“I – I’m sorry for freaking out like that.”

He sent me a reassuring smile. “Don’t apologize. I understand. So does Nick and Aaron.” He bent over and kissed my cheek, wiping my tears with his thumb. “I’ll see you later, okay doll?”

“Yeah,” I felt light headed. I needed to lay down and cry this tension out for an hour or two, but I wasn't about to let him see that. This was just a conversation, but it threatened to uproot a lot of the terror in my past that I've been trying to forget, causing my emotional balance to absolutely wreck.

As soon as I closed the front door behind him, I sank to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably.