Darkness Within Light

It was a Thursday, and I was blowing and going at work. I had just finished a massive complex audit on a prototype board for a military contractor, four days before it was due to start assembly.

Winning!

I sent the project leader and my customer contact an email with the update, then locked my computer screen.

Break time.

I had just sat down in the breakroom with a Monster and my Kindle when I felt my phone vibrate on my hip.

“Say gurrrrrrrl!” Holly gushed.

“Whuddup, skank?” I laughed.

“Zak just texted me.”

“And?”

“Well… He was wondering if you were still mad at him.”

I sighed. “No. I’m over it. Really I was never mad at him to begin with, just pissed that the guys wanted to pry into my shit.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.”

I could practically feel her smile on the other line. “Okies. I’ll see you tonight.”

From the tone of her voice she was obviously hiding something. What is she up to?

Not even twenty minutes later, I got a text from Zak.

::Hey doll, can u talk?::

The whole "Doll" thing is starting to feel a little worn, dude. ::Give me a few minutes.::

I hiked back to my workstation. I stared at my desk for a moment trying to decide whether to flake out on Zak or not. I gave up on the dreams of being a cold-hearted bitch and went over to Chris, one of my coworkers.

“Chris, can I bum a square from you?” Chris is a tall man with an extremely quiet, introverted demeanor. He’s pretty cool, whenever you can coax him into a dialog. He grinned shyly at me.

“Sure, I didn’t know you smoke.”

I used to be a pack-a-day smoker, but I quit when I left West Texas. Now I pretty much only smoke when I’m drunk enough, but I figured I’d need the nicotine to get me through a phone call with Zak after our last interaction.

I'm in luck. Chris smokes menthols. He handed me a Camel and winked. “Want me to start a tab?”

I laughed. “Sure.” I thanked him and headed outside, dialing Zak’s number.

Ring…

“Hey, Desiree!”

“What’s up, Zak?” I made my voice as stoic as possible.

“What are you doing Friday night?”

What the hell... I took a long drag on my cigarette. “I’m doing my ritualistic Firefly marathon. Why?”

“I was going to ask… May I take you out?”

I blinked. “Like, a date?”

“Well yeah.”

“Sure… I suppose.” This is not what I was expecting.

“I know it’s kinda last-minute. If you want, you can bring along your marathon goodness.”

I grinned. That was cute. “Well, if you don’t mind me drooling over Nathan Fillion…”

He snorted. “I’m pretty sure I can compete with him.”

“Whatever you say, Hulk,” I smarted off. “How dressed up do I need to be?”

“Well, really it’s up to you… I had something in mind but you would have to be able to take off work early.”

I laughed. “I can do that! I just kicked a project’s ass almost a week early, so my queue will be light tomorrow.”

“That’s awesome,” I heard him smile. “So… hiking boots.”

“Just boots? You aren’t that lucky, sir.”

He barked a laugh, “The rest is up to you, doll.”

Fucking doll.

* * * * * *

Friday afternoon around 2 o’clock I grabbed my backpack I had brought for the day and ran to the bathroom to change. I shed my labcoat and my ugly ESD workboots, revealing black slacks and a pink shirt that had gold designs and black trim on it. I yanked those off and stuffed them into my bag. I pulled a white New Belgium Brewing T-shirt on and stepped into a pair of brown cargo pants, then pulled on the hiking boots that Holly let me borrow.

I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and gave myself a once-over in the mirror. I looked like I was ready to hike.

Not the sexiest thing I could put together, but still.

The shirt was a loose babydoll tee and the pants actually were men’s pants, so they were really loose. I pulled my belt out of my bag and cinched it up. Last thing I need is to be pants’d by gravity when out with this man.

I returned to my workstation and did some last minute emails. I was floating around on Amazon when my phone vibrated on my desk.

::U ready?::

I logged off of my computer and turned off the light at my station. ::Yep!:: I swung my backpack onto my shoulders and grabbed my purse. “Later,” I called to the two coworkers who were actually at their desks, and strode out the door.

I did a double-take when I reached the parking lot. Zak was waiting for me in a ridiculous yellow Jeep Wrangler. I shook my head at him as I went to my car. He pulled up next to me as I started the engine, a big dopey grin on his face.

“Whatcha think?”

“Please tell me that isn’t your car.”

He feigned embarrassment, then giggled. “I rented it. Figured it was appropriate for where we’re going.”

“We’re off-roading? Zak, we aren’t in Arkansas.” ...said the Texas girl...

He just smiled. “So are you gonna get in or what?”

I got out of my car and turned to face him. “I’m taking my car back home, and then we can leave from there. Is that okay?”

He nodded with raised eyebrows. “Of course it is, I’m just so excited!”

I dumped the clothes out of my backpack and emptied the contents of my purse into it while my engine warmed up. An old Dieselboy mix was pounding from my sound system, and I let myself go a bit, bobbing my head to the music as I swayed side to side slightly.

I stopped because I could feel Zak’s eyes on me. I turned around. He was leaning a forearm on his steering wheel, staring at me with a seductive smirk.

I blushed ten shades of red and jumped in my car. “Follow me” I hollered over the bass, and peeled out of the lot, my Rex throwing a fit for being loaded before she's running at her ideal temperature. She popped a blue-flamed backfire and sputtered, but finally settled by the time we reached the freeway and flew like a bat out of hell. I outrun that damn Jeep so easily.

When I got to the apartment, I pulled into my garage and cut the engine, looking around.

No Zak. I laughed, rolled my eyes and closed the garage door. I went inside and leashed up Sadie in all her wildness, and we headed out for a quick walk.

Still no Zak.

I almost texted him, but thought better of it. Dumb idea. Sadie and I set off to her favorite spot in the park around the other side of the building.

When we got back Zak was just pulling into my driveway. I gave him a finger-wave as Sadie dragged me to our front door. He grinned sheepishly and threw the Jeep into neutral.

Sadie and I ran inside and I put her right back in her kennel, with food and water. She was pissed, but she minded. I ran to the bathroom to do a quick check up on my make up – meh, that’ll do – and ran back out of the loft, locking the door behind me.

I hopped in the passenger side of the Jeep and looked over at Zak, who was smiling coyly at me. I slung my backpack down behind our seats.

“You get lost?”

“No,” he reached behind the seat and pulled a small, simple bouquet of wildflowers over my
head and held it out for me. “I forgot to get these before I went to your work.”

“...Forgot?” I felt slightly overwhelmed.

“I was excited! I've been getting ready for tonight all day.”

I shook my head, “No, I mean, why did you bring me flowers?”

His hand dropped a little as he looked at me seriously. “Because I wanted to.”

Wow. That was very unexpected. I smiled despite my own embarrassment. “Oh! Okay, sorry.”

“Do you not like flowers?”

“I do! I’m just not used to getting them.” He smiled as I took them. Instinctively I buried my nose in them and breathed deep. Yum.

“Where are we going?”

He pulled out a blindfold from the glove compartment. My eyes went wide.

“No!”

“Aw, come on.”

“Seriously?” Should I have already written my last will and testament? what the fuck?

“Please?”

I shrugged and took it, setting the flowers on my lap. Whatever. He gave me a wink, then helped me tie the fabric over my eyes. I heard him throw the Jeep in reverse.

Okay, fine. I can wait.

* * * * * *

“Okay, Hulk, where are we now?”

“Mount Charleston,” he murmured.

I'm such a dumb Texas broad. Mount what?

We had driven for almost an hour, and now I had been hiking for about an hour and a half… blindfolded. He was being a pro at guiding me over the uneven terrain, but it was starting to get frustrating. I had one hand firmly gripping onto his shirt, using the other for balance.

We had been definitely hiking upwards, but now we were at a point that was rocky, but level.
He removed my hand from his shirt and I felt him walk around behind me, keeping my hand in his. His other hand brushed across my shoulders and he slowly pulled the bandana loose.

I blinked as it fell from my face, and then gasped.

We were basically on the edge of a cliff. You could see for miles. We were in a small clearing, free of twisted foliage and greenery. The sun was starting to set, setting fire to the sky and painting the rocks dazzling colors. It was breathtaking.

“Wow…”

He laughed softly as he dropped his backpack from his massive shoulders and pulled out a blanket, spreading it out on the ground. He beckoned me to sit as he continued to dig in his bag. Shocked, I slowly came and sat down.

He pulled out several tupperware containers, paper plates, and plasticware. I felt my stomach start growling.

One by one he opened each container; Grilled chicken breasts, roasted potatoes, green beans and a salad… obviously made from scratch, too. He doled out the food onto the paper plates and set one in front of me. He then pulled out another Tupperware that was holding wine glasses wrapped in a towel, and a bottle of red wine. He poured me a glass and then leaned back to take stock in his efforts.

I was speechless. It was a 100% gourmet dinner date… picnic-style.

He grinned at me and raised his glass towards me. I tapped it lightly with mine and took a slow sip, closing my eyes. I let the smells, the sounds, the power of where we were wash over me and I felt my internal tension ebbing. I opened my eyes to see him still staring at me.

I smiled and tipped my glass towards him. “You’re good.”

He blushed. “Well I figured that I owed you an apology for last week…”

I laughed. “This is one hell of an apology!”

“Well really I wanted it to be a date, but take it as you like.” He grinned and picked up his plasticware.

I set my glass down and we dug into the food. We ate in silence, just watching the landscape as the sun transformed it over the next hour.

I helped him pack the food up and poured both of us another glass of wine. We sat side by side watching the sun disappear, making small talk about nothingness. He asked me about my music preferences, my parents, my job. He sounded so sincere and caring. I still couldn’t read him very well, but in that moment I decided I could trust him.

We finally got back to the car around ten pm. I was relaxed from the wine and the atmosphere, so I didn’t even get back to the real world until he turned off the Jeep. I froze.
We were at his house.

Crap…

He came around to my side of the Jeep and opened my door for me. He gathered up the backpacks and my flowers and offered his hand to me. I took it, and the expression on his face looked concerned. Not surprising; I was shaking. I slowly slid out of the Jeep and let go of his hand, following him hollowly up the walk. I can’t go in his house!

I felt my breath catch as my brain finally changed gears. “Zak…”

He immediately stopped and dropped everything, then quickly turning around to grab my hand. “Trust, doll. You don’t need to worry about a thing.” He gave me a small peck on my cheek, then gathered everything up and continued to his front door.

“Um… Alright, then,” I stammered as he opened the door. He let me in, locked the door, and headed through his giant house towards his kitchen.

I just stayed in the foyer and ogled my surroundings.

“Desi?” He poked his head around a corner. He laughed and beckoned to me. “Really, it’s okay. Come on in. You’re calling the shots tonight.” He disappeared again.

I wandered slowly towards where I saw him last and found the kitchen. He was uncorking another bottle of wine, and he had set the flowers in a tall beer glass, which made me laugh.

He blushed as he offered me a glass. “I really had a good time with you tonight,” he said softly. He directed me to the living room then turned back towards the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”

I heard him unpacking his backpack and opening up his refrigerator. Putting away the leftovers, I guess. I finally found my voice. “Yeah, I had a good time, too, Zak.”

He must have heard the uneasiness in my voice, because he stopped what he was doing and rushed to my side, putting a hand on my shoulder. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” He led us to the couch and sat us down, staring at me intently.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“Bull shit.” He put a hand to my cheek. “What can I do to help?”

“I dunno. I’m just anxious.”

It was that simple. I was afraid. I wasn’t really sure why, but regardless, I was. This was the closest I had gotten emotionally to a man in a long time. The last time, the guy stole money from me for drugs, cheated on me with minors, slapped me around… I figured I was just a little shell shocked and frightened that in some way history would repeat itself.

His eyes were still digging into mine, and he sighed. “Desiree, I am not your past.”

I was taken aback. Now he reads minds?

“Okay, Zak. I’m sorry.”

He set his glass on the coffee table and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t you dare apologize. I just need you to know that I’m for real with you. I don’t get close to women with whom I have doubts about their strength…” He pulled back and his eyes held me captive. “Or where I have doubts in my ability to be what she needs me to be.”

I wanted to be a smartass at this. You’re not a god, you won’t complete me… but I decided not to keep fishing for the negative. When I looked at him in this moment I couldn’t come up with even a shred of contempt.

“So whatever I need to do for you just let me know. I know what I want; I just need to know what you want.”

I might have felt a tear or two try to well up in my throat. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

“Yes Desi. You never did let me tell you the other day; You are an amazing woman.”

Okay. I give up. I was overwhelmed by his sweetness... and the wine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, letting the tears spill over. I poured my soul into that kiss. All of the loneliness, the anxiety, the doubt… in that moment it all melted away.

I could tell I caught him off-guard. He pulled back from the kiss, gasping. His breath was saturated with desire and his eyes had darkened to a smoldering gaze that felt like it would burn my clothes off.

I laughed softly at this reaction. “I dig you too, Zak.”

He leaned in and we locked lips again. His arms wrapped around me and his tongue teased my lips. They parted and he deepened the contact, the lust of it sending shivers through my body.

He pulled back his face, but didn’t let me go. He studied my eyes for a moment, then broke out his cheesy million-dollar smile.

“So! Let’s see what this Firefly stuff is all about!”

I let out a small groan and leaned back on the couch as he popped the first disc in. He sat next to me and offered his arm around my shoulders. I smiled and responded with a snuggle into his chest.

He buried his face in my curls and breathed in deeply. “Mmmm…”

I cut my eyes over at him. “You are gonna pay attention, right?”

He grinned playfully, “Are we taking bets?” His tongue drew a line down my neck.

I rolled my eyes. “If that’s the only way to be assured that you’ll follow through.”

“Way to ruin a romantic moment, sweetie.” He nipped at my ear.

“Romantic, meh. Lustful on the other hand…” I gave him a cheeky cheerleader smile and winked.

He smirked, gave me a hard kiss on my cheek, and then hit play.

* * * * * *

I woke up at four am.

Where am I?

I took stock. I was wearing men’s basketball shorts and a huge G.A.C. t-shirt. I was lying on a wonderfully comfortable couch and had an arm the size of a tree trunk draped over my waist. I closed my eyes and inhaled the pleasant scent of Zachary Bagans. His hair junk, his cologne, deodorant, and his general musk all combined to create something… soothing.

Calming.

Maybe even safe.

Stop it, Desiree.

The Serenity home screen was displayed on his widescreen. Apparently he had steadfastly finished the whole series. I had fallen asleep about halfway through the third disc.

I snuggled deeper into his grasp and smiled. Fuck off anxiety, let me have this moment.
Anxiety let me be, however nature came calling soon after. Shit!

I wiggled out from under his arm and set off in search for the bathroom.
When I came out I looked at Zak on the couch. It was still dark out and I felt a familiar tension in my shoulders. I debated crawling back under his arm.

I sighed. Meh, what the hell.

I tiptoed around his home until I found his bedroom. I was so stiff from the hike and was so tired that I didn’t even care if this came across wrong. I crawled onto his bed and wormed my way under the covers. I rolled over and breathed in deeply, losing myself in this man’s scent and letting the tempurpedic bed wrap itself around me.

I was just about to drift off to sleep when I felt weight applied to the bed beside me. I rolled over to greet Zak, but faltered and sucked in air. Instead of seeing Zak’s enticing blue eyes, I saw another familiar set of eyes. Those terrifying eyes…

…I told you that you wouldn't be safe. You never will be…

My heart felt like it stopped and I felt hot tears pour from my face.

“Ah… uh… Zak!” I finally found my voice, even if it sounded more like a scream than a call.

“ZAK!!!” …Maybe a shriek.

The eyes rushed me, enveloping me in darkness.