The Reckless and the Brave.

Alex:

I threw the file across the room, feeling sick. 14, Summer had been 14 when she was brought in. She’d been raped and left for dead in an alley for several hours and had been put away in a clinic for 9 years.

I scrambled up from the floor and stumbled to the bathroom where I emptied the content of my stomach in the toilet. I leaned back against the wall and stared at the tiles. I have to talk to her, I thought. I jumped to my feet, flushed the toilet, brushed my teeth and splashed some water in my face. I grabbed the file and stormed out of the room.

She opened the door after the first knock. Her eyes landed on the papers in my hand. Her eyes flew up to mine, wide with shock and she slammed the door I my face.,

“Summer!” I roared, banging my fist against the door. “Don’t you fucking to this to me! Open the door. We need to talk.” Suddenly the door flew open again and a furious looking Summer appeared. Her eyes were blazing with fury and she did something I never thought she was capable of: she slapped me. She threw her notebook at my head and slammed the door shut again.

I picked up the notebook and saw there was a new message written in it. How dare you Alex, how DARE YOU! I trusted you and all I ever asked you was to be patient with me, to give me time. So I could tell you my story when I was ready to share it with you. I can’t believe you betrayed me like that. I HATE YOU! I don’t EVER want to see you again!

I re-read the words over and over again and slowly came to the realization of what I’d actually done. Summer had been planning to tell me, she just wasn’t ready. She never ever pushed me about Bailey or the reason I was in here and yet here I am, breaking into her record only because I was.. what? Curious, angry, frustrated. Nevertheless, It was wrong to do so.

I patted my pockets for a pen and found one in my back pocket. I wrote something in her notebook and pushed it under the door.
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Summer:

How could he! How could he do this to me! I trusted him. Why did he have to be so goddamn curious and go find out himself?

I leaned against the door I’d just slammed in his face and cried. I cried and I couldn’t stop, it was like all the pain and hurt of the past 9 years suddenly came rushing over me, all because of him. He knows, Alex finally knows, and things will never be the same again. How could he ever look at me the same again? He probably won’t be able to look me in the eye again without being absolutely disgusted by me.

I just lost my only friend and it was my own fault, just like the ‘incident’. How easily could all that have been prevented if I’d just listened to my brother. If only I’d called my parents to pick me up. Jeremy would have been still alive, my parents wouldn’t hate me and I would have been a normal girl, with a normal childhood.

I sat down, leaning against the door. Suddenly I felt something bump against my hand. I looked down to see Alex sliding my notebook underneath the door with a message of his own. I’m sorry. Please just listen to me, please. I picked it up, my pen hovering above the paper. Did I really wanna hear him say the things I already know he will say out loud?

Oh who am I kidding, I would listen to every single word Alex has to say as long as I can hear his voice, even if those words would kill me inside. I’m on the other side of the door, talk, I’ll listen, but I’m not going to open the door. I didn’t want to see his face when he told me he never wanted to see me again.

I slit the notebook back to Alex’s side of the door and closed my eyes, trying to prepare myself for the inevitable “It’s better if we don’t see each other again”, but those words never came….

“Summer?” Alex soft voice came from right outside the door, it sounded like we we’re sitting back to back but with the door separating us. “Are you there? Please knock on the door or something so I know you’re listening.” I softly tapped against the wood. “Ah, alright, thanks. I’m just…. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I know what I did was unforgivable and you probably don’t ever want to see me again, but I… I mean I just…. I was so angry at myself for kissing you, not that I didn’t want to kiss you I mean! God I wanted to kiss you…. But that’s not the point! The point is that I should have respected your boundaries. I should have known better than jump you like that. I was so mad at myself for doing that. I just wanted to understand… I wanted to understand WHY you’re so scared…. So maybe I could help you, I STILL want to help you. I just… I didn’t…. I didn’t know…. I mean….”

I listened to Alex rambling his apologies and my disbelieve grew. He still wanted to be my friend, he still wanted to help me, even now, now that he knows about me.

I grabbed another notebook from my nightstand, seeing Alex still had my old one on his side. You still want to help me? Why Alex? How can you even look at me after what you’ve read. How can you not look at me and think it was my own fault!

Once I slit the new message underneath the door Alex was quiet for several moments. “I… You….” He choked out. “How could you say that! It’s not your fault Summer. If you want to blame someone blame those guys, blame your brother, your parents for all I care, but not yourself. You didn’t know those guys were after your brother. He should have told you the reason he didn’t want you to go out alone. It’s not your fault you hear me! It’s those guys who did what they did to you.”

I could hear the anger in his voice, mixed with a hint of disbelieve. “And the reason I’m doing this is because I’m your friend Summer, I care about you. I want to help you… I want….” He paused. “Please open the door.” He begged softly, “Please Summer?” ,his voice almost a whisper. But I didn’t move.

“Summer I’m sorry. I really am. Please forgive me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I hurt you. I’ll keep my distance if that’s what you want. I’ll sit on the other side of the room if you’d ask me to. Just please. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’ll apologize a thousand times if that’s what it takes.”

He was rambling again. Begging me to open the door, to forgive him. And I wanted to, I wanted to open that door more than anything, but I couldn’t, just like I couldn’t speak those words that might have kept my brother from taking his own life.

Suddenly I realized Alex had stopped talking. I softly tapped against the door. I could hear a low, soft, sad sounding chuckle. “I’m still here.” Alex mumbled. I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t.

After several minutes he spoke again. “I love you.” He said, his voice clearer than before. “I’m in love with you.” He said again. “That’s why I kissed you. I knew you don’t feel that why, but I’m in love with you Summer…. I… I…. thought you should know that.” His words didn’t sound like a confession, they sounded like a defeat. Like he accepted the fact his feelings would never be returned.

I could hear a vague sound on the other side of the door, indicating Alex had gotten up. I didn’t move, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Alex loves me…. He’s in love with me? How? Why? Why of all people did he have to fall for the one person that could never return his affection.

I couldn’t love him like a normal girl could. I could never have a ‘normal’ relationship, couldn’t love him the way he deserves to be loved. I know Alex would give that all up to be with me and part of me wants him to, but I could never be that selfish…. Could I?

No of course I couldn’t. Thinking I could ever be with Alex like that was mad. I got up and went back to bed. But that kiss… it had been…. nice, at least before the terror I associated with intimacy kicked in.

I closed my eyes, trying to remember the feeling of Alex’s lips on mine. I focused on Alex, his voice, his eyes, his smile and for once the memory didn’t turn into a nightmare…. It was just that… a memory. A rather pleasant one too actually.

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That night I had another dream, but it was unlike any other dream I’d ever had. I woke up drenched in sweat, but this time not because of a nightmare. I closed my eyes and images from my dream flashed in front of my eyes, causing me to blush bright red. I got up and picked up my notebook, no longer caring about what happened earlier, I need to see Alex.