The Reckless and the Brave.

I felt numb. I just confessed my feeling to Summer and she didn’t open the door. Completely defeated I made my way back to my room. It had been an unusually hot day and even though the sun had set several hours ago it was still very humid inside the building. I stripped down to my boxers and laid down on the bed.

Despite the heat I fell asleep rather quickly, feeling completely exhausted after recent events.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A sudden knock on the door woke me up. “Hello?” I mumbled, turning on the small desk light on my nightstand. The door opened to reveal…“Summer!” I sat up, about to pinch myself, convinced I was dreaming. “What’s wrong?”

She inched closer to the bed. I looked at her in the dim light. Her hair was messy, her short nightgown wrinkled and her eyes were shining with…. something, I couldn’t really tell. She stood next to the bed, handing me a piece of paper. I had a dream. “Oh sweetheart.” I mumbled, pulling her into my lap, she didn’t protest. Quite the opposite actually, she buried her face against me chest, her arms wrapped around me. “You had a nightmare?” I asked softly. She shook her head, pulling away from me far enough to look at me. That was when I noticed her flushed face. “Summer? What’s going on?” I asked carefully. It wasn’t a nightmare Alex…. I…. I.. don’t know how to describe it. But it felt so real…. She looked at me with pleading eyes.

“Summer what happened? You’re save here you know that right? Whatever it was it wasn’t real okay?” But I wanted it to be real! She looked so desperate, so frustrated. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, calm down. Tell me about the dream.” I said. I can’t. I brushed her hair away from her face. “That’s okay love, you don’t have to.” No, I mean I can’t tell you, I don’t know how, but…. I could… show you?

“Show me?” I was really confused right now. “Uhm… sure, alright.” Summer placed the notebook next to her on the bed and twisted in my lap so she was straddling my legs, her face only inches away from mine. Her small hands were fiddling with the hem of her nightgown. She leaned a bit closer, her eyes closed. “Summer, what…” But before I could complete that sentence her soft lips pressed against mine.

I was so shocked I couldn’t move. Summer’s small hands moved from her lap to my shoulders, pulling me a little closer. After a few seconds she leaned back, her cheeks flushed in either embarrassment or excitement, or maybe both.

“Oh… wow….” I breathed, staring at the girl in front of me. Suddenly I realized what Summer was trying to tell me. My eyes widened a bit and I chuckled. “Wait… you mean you had that kinda dream?” Summer turned bright red, hiding her face in her hands. I gently pulled them away. “Hey don’t be embarrassed. It’s okay.” She took her notebook again. I just…. I was thinking about when you kissed me…. And how nice that actually felt. I just… I wanna know what it’s like to be… loved.

I stared at her in shock. She couldn’t…. didn’t mean…. “Summer…. Why are you here?” I asked carefully. She placed the notebook back on the nightstand and pressed her soft lips against mine again. Her hands were resting on my shoulders like before, but this time she slowly moved one of her hands down my chest towards my stomach. That’s when I stopped her.

I took hold of her upper arms and gently pushed her away. “Summer stop.” I mumbled. She shook her head and pulled free. Please Alex. I want this. The dream…. I wanna know what it’s like, please? I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be with you. You deserve someone who can love you in every way, not just emotionally, but also physically.

“Summer I love you. I don’t care about that. I don’t want you to do this because you think it’s what I want.” I said. Summer shook her head. But I want this too Alex. I’m doing this for me. Please? I just want to be a normal girl. I could see the tears roll down her cheeks. I placed me hand underneath her chin, forcing her to look up at me. “And you thinking sleeping with me will do that? That it will make everything disappear? You know better than that Summer.” I whispered softly.

I could see the determination in her face. She wanted this, she truly believed doing this would change things. A part of me was about to say ‘fuck it’ and give her what she wants, but the part of my brain that could still think logically stopped me. I’d hurt her before by moving too fast, I wasn’t going to make that same mistake a second time.

BUT IT WILL! I could see the frustration in her eyes. Don’t you see Alex, if I can do this, be THAT close to someone, I can get better. “Summer you’re not thinking straight!” I said, raising my voice a little. “You confused because of that dream. I understand, okay? Yesterday you freaked out because of a kiss, you’re not ready for this.” I AM! She was staring at me, with anger in her eyes. I can do this!

I pushed her away a bit so she was sitting at the end of the bed. “Summer stop it. You’re talking like sex is hill you have to climb in order to get better, like it’s some obstacle you have to overcome! It’s not, okay. It’s about loving someone, trusting them, opening up to someone, being vulnerable. You’re not ready for this.” I tried to reason with her and it seemed to work.

The anger and frustration in her eyes slowly turned into sadness. I just… I just want to know what is like to be loved. I wanted to create new memories, so I could replace those horrible memories with good ones. That dream it felt so real…. and… right, to be with you like that. But a dream just isn’t enough. Please Alex? Please, please, please?

I took a deep breath, about to tell her no one last time, but before I had a chance to speak she leaned forward to kiss me again. The kiss was short and I thought she was going to pull away again, but instead she placed another one on the corner of my lips. She continued to place feather light kisses all over my face and neck, each one a silent plea.

“S-Summer.” I stuttered. “Stop.” I tried to scoot away from her, but it only resulted in me falling flat on my back with her on top of me. She placed a kiss on the skull tattoo on my neck, ignoring my protests. One of her hands tangled itself in my hair while the other one rested on my chest, moving down ever so slightly to trace random patterns on my stomach. I groaned softly. “Summer, I’m serious, stop it. Goddammit, Summer I’m serious!” My hands tightly gripped the sheets beneath me. “Summer if you keep doing that I won’t be able to stop myself from doing something we’ll both will regret afterwards.”

But she wasn’t listening or she was simply ignoring whatever I was saying. She traced her kisses back up to my lips and when I felt them press against mine I gave in. I flipped us over so she was trapped underneath me and attacked her mouth with mine. My fingers tickled the skin right above her panties, causing her to gasp, which gave me to opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth.

After a minute or so I came to my senses and I jumped away from her. “Fuck.” I muttered. “I’m sorry.” I looked at the beautiful girl laying on my bed, panting softly. I half expected her to jump up and run away, seeing I gotten a little carried away… again… But she didn’t.

Summer took my hand and guided me back to the bed. I laid next to her and closed my eyes. “This is a bad idea.” I mumbled. I could feel her move on top of me as she started kissing me again. Her hands were wandering over my body. I opened my eyes and sat up. “Come here.” I said. Summer did as I asked and sat down in front of me.

“Relax okay?” I whispered as I placed a kiss right below her ear. “If I’m doing something you don’t want me to, just let me know and I’ll stop, I promise.” Summer nodded, looking a little breathless. Just like she’d done earlier I started to kiss her jaw and neck. My hands moved to her hips, pushing her nightgown up to her waist.

I pushed it up a little further, letting my hands brush against her stomach. I realized I was moving too fast and right now I was sure it was because I wanted her or because I was trying to scare her into stopping me, because she wasn’t ready. But she never did, so I took it a step further, moving my hands further up her body.