Safe Haven

Despite my need to be perfect when it came to most aspects of my life, I was no saint.

Weekends were planned around parties for me. Studying was scheduled earlier; dinners with my family sometimes were pushed to lunches. If there was a party in the Tempe area, usually, I could be found there – and not necessarily drunk.

My friends – my “clan” – had a reputation of being known for making parties “parties” and no one wanted to disappoint the teenagers or college students participating.

Staring at Pat, I felt like an idiot for not even bothering to think about the fact that “they” would most likely be lingering around.

Just as he took a step to close some space between us, Ariel came up from behind me. Hooking her arm through mine, she guided me to my right, away from Patrick and into the crowded “dance area”.

I was never more thankful for her being my friend and for sticking by my side throughout the duration of the party.

“Aren’t you hot?” she shouted over the obnoxious bass thumping through the room, glancing down to her hand that gripped my sweatshirt-clad arm.

“No, I’m fine!” I called back as she brought me through an arched doorway. “Where’s the bathroom again?”

She pointed to the door where a line-up of people had started. “Maybe you should go upstairs…”

“Yeah. I think I’ll do that,” I agreed before slipping my arm away from her so I could search on my own.

The room wasn’t hard to find, mostly because I saw a girl still adjusting her eyeliner walk out of a room just down the hallway as I reached the top of the stairs.

I found myself sitting on the edge of the bathtub for a couple of minutes, feeling the cold metal beneath me and under the palms of my hands – just like my temporary shrink in Seattle said when I felt anxiety: press my feet firmly on the ground, focus on feeling the solidness beneath my feet or under the palms of my hands, focus on breathing.

Only I couldn’t breathe.

My chest tightened up so badly it felt like the oxygen in the room vanished completely.

They were out there, somewhere. Most of my old friends were probably wasted despite the sort-of early time, but even in that state, I couldn’t face them. I didn’t want to see their negative reactions. I didn’t want to be more shunned than what I already was.

Closing my eyes, I tried focusing on other topics and found my salvation in home. Home – the place where I needed desperately to be.

I pulled my cell phone from my pocket when I’d composed myself enough to go back downstairs.

Ariel was socializing near the space we’d separated. “Ray? I have to go. My mom just called – something just came up-”

“Don’t even worry about it!” she said with a smile. She had so many other people to talk to that it was clear that she wouldn’t necessarily need me to keep her occupied. “I’ll see you at work, then?”

“Yeah. Happy birthday again.”

And that was that. I was free.

Only, I wasn’t, because my luck was not the best – especially since I’d first walked up to Ariel’s house.

I nearly made it to the door before I met them.

Everyone was crowding out of the kitchen where the alcohol was being stored to basically run into me. And, despite what ten months had done to me, I could tell that every single one of them recognized me.

No one – aside from me – had changed that much. Jared still had that ridiculous beard, Pat still had his long hair, Garrett was simply Garrett in his shitty band tee, Kennedy still kept his facial hair – which, I admit, still suited him – and John… Well John was still the same even with a scowl adorning his face and the tiny brunette that he was clinging to.

And, even with the time that had distanced us, I felt the pain sear. She was gorgeous and she didn’t look all that idiotic. In fact, I knew she wasn’t stupid, because I knew John’s taste in women.

Just as I predicted, nearly all of them were wasted including my ex-boyfriend, and once nemesis.

John, amazingly, was the first to speak, though I wasn’t all that surprised with the sharp words and tone that came with it. “What are you doing here?” The way they fell off his tongue portrayed just how disgusted he was with me.

I honestly couldn’t blame him.

Before I could gather enough courage to make a response, he continued. “You realize that you aren’t welcome around here anymore, right? You left. You don’t get to come back and fit right back in with everything again.”

I nodded, mostly in shame, and crossed my arms over my stomach. At one time I would’ve fought him, argued back. But I couldn’t defend myself this time. Something was holding me back: perhaps my new lack of self-confidence, perhaps the voice inside my head that told me that he was technically right.

“You don’t belong here anymore.”

I expected a lot of curses, but the fact that there was none cut me a little deeper than his words normally would. He truly couldn’t stand me. His voice, the way he said everything, told me.

Unwilling to break down in front of the silent crowd of people that once had been my everything, I simply nodded before continuing to the front door in which I’d entered.

But even then, I wasn’t free.

Pat – the most sensitive out of the group of males – followed me out. “Marlow? Marlow. Stop, please?”

I couldn’t help it. He always had been the boy that could convince me to be nice. I stopped and turned to face him as he stood at the edge of the porch.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I stated, but it came out sounding bitter and angry. Not willing to further this discussion, I turned and began walking across the grass in the direction of my car.

The touch of a rough hand landing on the back of my shoulder stopped me though. I flinched, my muscles tensing everywhere, momentarily paralyzing me.

Sensing that I was near the edge, Pat pulled his hand away. “Shit, Mar-”

“Just don’t,” I stated, expecting it to come out just as angry as my other words. Surprisingly, it didn’t. It came out wavered and weak. “I’m fine. I’m fine, I just - I shouldn’t have come, okay? I didn’t know you guys would be here.”

There was a long pause before Patrick spoke again to my back. “John is wasted right now, Marlow. You know how he can be.”

I felt my body stiffen at the mention of him. “No, he means what he said. You don’t need to make excuses for him, Patrick.” I finally turned to face him, eyes serious and fierce. “He has every right to his opinions.”

“Not if he’s hurting someone – especially you,” he said, lifting his hand to rest on my shoulder again. I flinched back, not wanting him to touch me or comfort me in anyway. Pat gave me a look that was a mix between concern and hurt as he stopped himself. “You know, you can talk to us Marlow – any of us, even with John in the picture. You’re our friend too.”

The thrum of the music was suddenly overbearing – to the point where I wanted to cover my ears just to block out the sound.

I needed to study…

I never studied that night.

“Things aren’t that simple, Patrick.” I was nearing a breakdown. I could feel it in my clenched fists that if I didn’t leave I was going to crash and burn right in front of one of the people I didn’t want to give the satisfaction to. Turning, I hurriedly walked down the sidewalk.

And when I was sure I was out of Pat’s sight, I ran back to my car hidden in the darkness and far enough in the distance to finally breakdown.