Status: Completed
I've Abandoned Control
Chapter 27
Part 3
These last few weeks I’ve been insanely busy getting things together before the tour. I was thankful to have something so intense occupying my thoughts and keeping them away from him. Shannon was nowhere to be found spending most of his time with his new “girlfriend” Paige. We had sex like wild bunny rabbits the morning of her birthday and the entire week prior to when he met her that night. He told me over and over again how much he loved and missed me. It was my fault for not enforcing a relationship on him then. But, I needed him just as much as he needed me, no strings attached. I honestly almost felt bad for her, she had no idea that he will never really leave me alone. Sure, I had texted him a few times since he left my apartment that night to go be her “surprise”. But it was mostly just to give him the minimal details that he needed to know about the band and things to do with the tour. He was technically our manager, and there were something’s he needed to sign off on. He tried to text me about other things a few times these last few weeks. Like “what are you wearing right now?”, “what are you doing?”, “do you miss me?”, but I chose not to answer those messages. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of answering him. I began to convince our lead singer Beth to contact him instead of me, and finally she did. She told me all about the call, how Shannon was confused as to why she was calling him instead of me. “I Love the guy, but he must really be dense!” Beth laughed when she told me. She explained to him that now that he had a new girlfriend I didn’t want to interfere. There was silence on his end, and he finally muttered “ah…” Beth said she sensed it burned him a little to hear that. I knew he was just living in denial, and not dealing with me these last couple weeks freed him to pretend. Maybe I would make him suffer though for what he was doing to me with this whole farce of a new relationship. Why should I make this easy on him??!
There was another band opening for us, called “The Fireside” on the tour. The bass player in that band was really cute; of course I only have eyes for Shannon. We had met before at a few shows around LA…and had some pretty in depth talks about music, being both bass players we had a lot in common. He had flirted with me a lot when Shannon and I were dating, but I just told him I was a taken girl. I knew this tour was going to prove interesting with Chad flirting with me in front of Shannon. “Girlfriend” or not he is very protective of me, and becomes progressively jealous if I show other guy’s any type of attention. All I could do thinking about this tour was shake my head! What a mess!
One day I was at the studio checking on the status of the mastered copy of our album, making sure it was ready to be sold at the Merch table on the tour. When I entered the recording booth and talked to the engineer, he and the other guy working there were checking me out and giving me the creeps. They started talking about Shannon and his new girlfriend and asked me about it all. I couldn’t believe they had the audacity to bring it up! “You guys are serious right now?! Asking me about my personal life!?!” I glared at them. They immediately shut up. Rolling my eyes I picked up the mastered copy I needed and headed out the door. Stepping into the corridor, I looked down to see Shannon coming in the door. I had to stop myself from confronting him, and also telling him what just happened. Instead I decided to just ignore him completely; walking right past him and out the door. He didn’t see me until he looked up from his phone awoken to my presence as I passed him. Our arms faintly rubbed against one another’s, and I felt him turn around, feeling his eyes on me, I kept walking as if we were total strangers.
Reaching my car, my phone rang and I answered, it was Beth and she asked me to come over to meet with her, Charity and Janelle to go through our entire wardrobe for the tour. We’re girls; this was going to be a fun evening! Trying on outfits, and deciding if we needed to do any other shopping runs prior to leaving. I welcomed this evening full of distractions and giggling. There wasn’t much that could keep my mind and heart from thinking about him, but my band was one of them. I loved those girls! Just 2 more days and we’d be hitting the road, finally sharing our music with the world! My focus had to be totally fixed on the music and my band, and not him. This was too important to us all, and the fact that he held the probable diversion of my attention during this time angered me. Whatever! I was getting sick of handing my heart over to him on a silver platter just for him to pick it up and fiddle with to his fulfillment and then set it back down cold. He will come to me begging on his knees with his tongue hanging out like a puppy dog! My wardrobe for the tour would guarantee the commencement of his drooling misery. I wasn’t just some” baby doll” he could carry around and play with when he had a craving, I was a firecracker!
Part 4 - The Tour
Finally the first date of the tour was here. We were a little late and had to get our things and get to the stage as The Fireside was already playing. I was wearing black leather pants with high heeled black boots and a sparkly copper kami top. Carrying my Bass walking through the backstage area we ran into Jared who was full of a ton of energy and being super silly. He seemed to be in a little more than usual good mood. It was good to see him so happy and I gave him a huge hug and thanked him again for this experience. It gave my band a great feeling for the beginning of this tour, and the first time we would hit the stage opening for them. It was time for us to hit it and our adrenaline was blasting full force! As we were walking on Shannon came through giving high fives, my bitterness made me hesitate but I wasn’t going to let it ruin this moment. I high fived him without looking and we made our way up the stairs and into the lights. The crowd was immensely energetic, they had heard a few of our songs because of Shannon, and it was above incredible to see so many of them singing our lyrics.
During our set Shannon was off to the side of the stage watching our every move and the crowd’s response. Our eyes locked together about 20 times throughout, and I instantly looked away each time focusing in on the music and this amazing feeling. After our last song we headed off stage on a high that was like no other. In that second I had let go of all and any resentments between Shannon and I as he ran up to me picking me up, spinning me around and squeezing me tighter than I ever remember him squeezing me before. I held on for life squeezing him back with all my strength, my rush of emotions were just too gigantic to care about anything else. He knew what this meant to me and we had been collaborating and talking about this since I could remember. Finally putting me down we looked into each other’s eyes and I could see how authentic his happiness for me was. Before he let me go to get ready for the stage himself he yelled “That was f*cking amazing Babe!” and kissed my lips. We smiled at each other and walked in opposite directions. He played with such an intense energy that night; I could tell he was propelled by the excitement of our set.
After their meet and greet we passed each other in a hallway backstage and he grabbed my wrist. “Hey, can you come with me? We need to talk.” Smiling at him, I responded “Shan, I’m having too great of a night to talk to you about anything right now. I know you’ve moved on and I’ve been coming to terms with it in my own way, If you are happy with Paige, than I am happy for you.” He looked at me like a lost puppy as I wiggled my wrist free putting my other hand on his chest I patted it, and turned and kept walking. Rounding the corner ahead to an empty hallway I felt someone behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see he had followed me. Walking up to me again he admitted “I can’t let you go! I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, it’s not that I’m not happy when I’m with Paige. But I still think about you all the time and when I see you, I want to be with you.” The intense way he was looking at me made my heart beat so fast that I thought it was going to fall out onto the floor. He crept up to me so that we were standing practically nose to nose; he looked hungrily into my eyes. He smelled so good, and I could almost taste his lips on mine. No he wasn’t going to get me this easily! I wasn’t going to give in so quickly this time! Grabbing my waist and pulling me into his body he kissed me passionately and I could feel he wasn’t lying about the wanting to be with me admission. I pulled away from him and pushed him back from me a little trying to regain my composure and breath. “Shannon, this isn’t going to happen tonight! You have a girlfriend, what would she feel like if she knew you were coming onto me this way?” He looked in a drunken daze as he came towards me for more. Locking his lips onto mine again he drank from them like a man who had been in a dry desert for a century. Pushing me against the wall he put his hands up under my shirt never letting go of the grip he had on my lips. As much as I wanted him at this point and loved his touch, I was also livid with him and all of my resentment flew back to life.
Once again I wasn’t going to let myself be his toy. I put my hands on his biceps and pushed his arms so that he moved his hands, he moved them down and grabbed my backside instead. That was NOT what I meant! If I could get him to stop kissing me I would tell him exactly what I thought right now! Pushing on his shoulders this time and trying to pull my lips away was like trying to wrestle the king of the jungle! He just moved his hands all over me pulling me closer and closer. Finally I freed my mouth from his and pushed him back and smacked him in the face as hard as I could. It upset me, as I have never hit him, not once. But I was pissed! He just thought that he owned me and could have me whenever he had a craving. But he had another thing coming! He looked completely shocked and I yelled at him while crying “Don’t touch me! You can’t have me! So you better find someone else to have sex with behind your girlfriends back tonight, because it’s not going to be me! Go ahead, ask me why!” He just stared at me in total disbelief, I had never said no to him before. Fixing my disheveled self quickly, I left him standing there. To say my night had now been ruined would be an understatement. I couldn’t believe I actually had the will power in me to turn him down. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? The realization that the relationship he was “in” with Paige was nothing more than a mirage he had set up for her almost made me want to tell her. But why would she believe me? I was sure that to her I was nothing more than the enemy and she would view it as a way of me trying to get rid of her. Maybe I needed to tell Jana instead. She and I had become friends in a matter of speaking; being that we were dating brothers and were often both at Jared’s house at the same time. I decided I would wait a few weeks and maybe give her a call. The next night when Shannon saw me he kept his distance. After a few more nights, I caved. I was strong, but not strong enough to see him every single day and not want to be with him too. It was eating me up that I was allowing him to use both Paige and I in this way. I could only imagine how the rest of this tour was going to play out!
These last few weeks I’ve been insanely busy getting things together before the tour. I was thankful to have something so intense occupying my thoughts and keeping them away from him. Shannon was nowhere to be found spending most of his time with his new “girlfriend” Paige. We had sex like wild bunny rabbits the morning of her birthday and the entire week prior to when he met her that night. He told me over and over again how much he loved and missed me. It was my fault for not enforcing a relationship on him then. But, I needed him just as much as he needed me, no strings attached. I honestly almost felt bad for her, she had no idea that he will never really leave me alone. Sure, I had texted him a few times since he left my apartment that night to go be her “surprise”. But it was mostly just to give him the minimal details that he needed to know about the band and things to do with the tour. He was technically our manager, and there were something’s he needed to sign off on. He tried to text me about other things a few times these last few weeks. Like “what are you wearing right now?”, “what are you doing?”, “do you miss me?”, but I chose not to answer those messages. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of answering him. I began to convince our lead singer Beth to contact him instead of me, and finally she did. She told me all about the call, how Shannon was confused as to why she was calling him instead of me. “I Love the guy, but he must really be dense!” Beth laughed when she told me. She explained to him that now that he had a new girlfriend I didn’t want to interfere. There was silence on his end, and he finally muttered “ah…” Beth said she sensed it burned him a little to hear that. I knew he was just living in denial, and not dealing with me these last couple weeks freed him to pretend. Maybe I would make him suffer though for what he was doing to me with this whole farce of a new relationship. Why should I make this easy on him??!
There was another band opening for us, called “The Fireside” on the tour. The bass player in that band was really cute; of course I only have eyes for Shannon. We had met before at a few shows around LA…and had some pretty in depth talks about music, being both bass players we had a lot in common. He had flirted with me a lot when Shannon and I were dating, but I just told him I was a taken girl. I knew this tour was going to prove interesting with Chad flirting with me in front of Shannon. “Girlfriend” or not he is very protective of me, and becomes progressively jealous if I show other guy’s any type of attention. All I could do thinking about this tour was shake my head! What a mess!
One day I was at the studio checking on the status of the mastered copy of our album, making sure it was ready to be sold at the Merch table on the tour. When I entered the recording booth and talked to the engineer, he and the other guy working there were checking me out and giving me the creeps. They started talking about Shannon and his new girlfriend and asked me about it all. I couldn’t believe they had the audacity to bring it up! “You guys are serious right now?! Asking me about my personal life!?!” I glared at them. They immediately shut up. Rolling my eyes I picked up the mastered copy I needed and headed out the door. Stepping into the corridor, I looked down to see Shannon coming in the door. I had to stop myself from confronting him, and also telling him what just happened. Instead I decided to just ignore him completely; walking right past him and out the door. He didn’t see me until he looked up from his phone awoken to my presence as I passed him. Our arms faintly rubbed against one another’s, and I felt him turn around, feeling his eyes on me, I kept walking as if we were total strangers.
Reaching my car, my phone rang and I answered, it was Beth and she asked me to come over to meet with her, Charity and Janelle to go through our entire wardrobe for the tour. We’re girls; this was going to be a fun evening! Trying on outfits, and deciding if we needed to do any other shopping runs prior to leaving. I welcomed this evening full of distractions and giggling. There wasn’t much that could keep my mind and heart from thinking about him, but my band was one of them. I loved those girls! Just 2 more days and we’d be hitting the road, finally sharing our music with the world! My focus had to be totally fixed on the music and my band, and not him. This was too important to us all, and the fact that he held the probable diversion of my attention during this time angered me. Whatever! I was getting sick of handing my heart over to him on a silver platter just for him to pick it up and fiddle with to his fulfillment and then set it back down cold. He will come to me begging on his knees with his tongue hanging out like a puppy dog! My wardrobe for the tour would guarantee the commencement of his drooling misery. I wasn’t just some” baby doll” he could carry around and play with when he had a craving, I was a firecracker!
Part 4 - The Tour
Finally the first date of the tour was here. We were a little late and had to get our things and get to the stage as The Fireside was already playing. I was wearing black leather pants with high heeled black boots and a sparkly copper kami top. Carrying my Bass walking through the backstage area we ran into Jared who was full of a ton of energy and being super silly. He seemed to be in a little more than usual good mood. It was good to see him so happy and I gave him a huge hug and thanked him again for this experience. It gave my band a great feeling for the beginning of this tour, and the first time we would hit the stage opening for them. It was time for us to hit it and our adrenaline was blasting full force! As we were walking on Shannon came through giving high fives, my bitterness made me hesitate but I wasn’t going to let it ruin this moment. I high fived him without looking and we made our way up the stairs and into the lights. The crowd was immensely energetic, they had heard a few of our songs because of Shannon, and it was above incredible to see so many of them singing our lyrics.
During our set Shannon was off to the side of the stage watching our every move and the crowd’s response. Our eyes locked together about 20 times throughout, and I instantly looked away each time focusing in on the music and this amazing feeling. After our last song we headed off stage on a high that was like no other. In that second I had let go of all and any resentments between Shannon and I as he ran up to me picking me up, spinning me around and squeezing me tighter than I ever remember him squeezing me before. I held on for life squeezing him back with all my strength, my rush of emotions were just too gigantic to care about anything else. He knew what this meant to me and we had been collaborating and talking about this since I could remember. Finally putting me down we looked into each other’s eyes and I could see how authentic his happiness for me was. Before he let me go to get ready for the stage himself he yelled “That was f*cking amazing Babe!” and kissed my lips. We smiled at each other and walked in opposite directions. He played with such an intense energy that night; I could tell he was propelled by the excitement of our set.
After their meet and greet we passed each other in a hallway backstage and he grabbed my wrist. “Hey, can you come with me? We need to talk.” Smiling at him, I responded “Shan, I’m having too great of a night to talk to you about anything right now. I know you’ve moved on and I’ve been coming to terms with it in my own way, If you are happy with Paige, than I am happy for you.” He looked at me like a lost puppy as I wiggled my wrist free putting my other hand on his chest I patted it, and turned and kept walking. Rounding the corner ahead to an empty hallway I felt someone behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see he had followed me. Walking up to me again he admitted “I can’t let you go! I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, it’s not that I’m not happy when I’m with Paige. But I still think about you all the time and when I see you, I want to be with you.” The intense way he was looking at me made my heart beat so fast that I thought it was going to fall out onto the floor. He crept up to me so that we were standing practically nose to nose; he looked hungrily into my eyes. He smelled so good, and I could almost taste his lips on mine. No he wasn’t going to get me this easily! I wasn’t going to give in so quickly this time! Grabbing my waist and pulling me into his body he kissed me passionately and I could feel he wasn’t lying about the wanting to be with me admission. I pulled away from him and pushed him back from me a little trying to regain my composure and breath. “Shannon, this isn’t going to happen tonight! You have a girlfriend, what would she feel like if she knew you were coming onto me this way?” He looked in a drunken daze as he came towards me for more. Locking his lips onto mine again he drank from them like a man who had been in a dry desert for a century. Pushing me against the wall he put his hands up under my shirt never letting go of the grip he had on my lips. As much as I wanted him at this point and loved his touch, I was also livid with him and all of my resentment flew back to life.
Once again I wasn’t going to let myself be his toy. I put my hands on his biceps and pushed his arms so that he moved his hands, he moved them down and grabbed my backside instead. That was NOT what I meant! If I could get him to stop kissing me I would tell him exactly what I thought right now! Pushing on his shoulders this time and trying to pull my lips away was like trying to wrestle the king of the jungle! He just moved his hands all over me pulling me closer and closer. Finally I freed my mouth from his and pushed him back and smacked him in the face as hard as I could. It upset me, as I have never hit him, not once. But I was pissed! He just thought that he owned me and could have me whenever he had a craving. But he had another thing coming! He looked completely shocked and I yelled at him while crying “Don’t touch me! You can’t have me! So you better find someone else to have sex with behind your girlfriends back tonight, because it’s not going to be me! Go ahead, ask me why!” He just stared at me in total disbelief, I had never said no to him before. Fixing my disheveled self quickly, I left him standing there. To say my night had now been ruined would be an understatement. I couldn’t believe I actually had the will power in me to turn him down. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? The realization that the relationship he was “in” with Paige was nothing more than a mirage he had set up for her almost made me want to tell her. But why would she believe me? I was sure that to her I was nothing more than the enemy and she would view it as a way of me trying to get rid of her. Maybe I needed to tell Jana instead. She and I had become friends in a matter of speaking; being that we were dating brothers and were often both at Jared’s house at the same time. I decided I would wait a few weeks and maybe give her a call. The next night when Shannon saw me he kept his distance. After a few more nights, I caved. I was strong, but not strong enough to see him every single day and not want to be with him too. It was eating me up that I was allowing him to use both Paige and I in this way. I could only imagine how the rest of this tour was going to play out!