Destined to Explode

To say that things were moving fast was an understatement. I felt like things were moving at a supersonic speed and all I could do was watch while everything happened. The past three days were filled with packing and me slowly slipping back into the depressed shell of a person I was. I tried to stop myself, I really did. But the more I thought about everything, the harder breathing and thinking began. The harder it was to keep that one name from flying through my mind. Each time it does I can’t help but detach. That’s the point I was at right now.

My mind was stuck on Devon. The way his eyes would sparkle when he looked at me. There was no denying that he was as in love with me as I was with him. There were points where I was convinced that there was no way anyone could love someone as much as I loved him. But then he would do something to surprise me. The morning when I woke up to rose petals leading to the kitchen, which was filled with sunflowers and orange roses. My two favorite flowers. It was that morning that I realized no one could love as much as he did. No one would ever know how to love as much as he did. Even on that . . . day, I knew he was unconditionally in love with me.

I hadn’t realized that there were tears falling freely down my face until I saw Ryla and her reaction when she walked in my room. She knew better than anyone how incredibly broken I was. She had seen me every day since then, and she was the reason the guys came back. I don’t think she could bear to see me like that anymore.

“Oh, honey. C’mon,” she cooed as she pulled me into a hug. My silent tears turned into sobs at the comfort of my best girl friend. She had come to pick me up this morning, we were supposed to meet the guys at the hotel that the crew was staying at.

“I don’t know if I can do this, I don’t think I can leave,” I sobbed into her shoulder. I didn’t want to put the ones I loved the most through the pain of seeing me like this. Rian was in enough pain just knowing about it, seeing me like this will absolutely crush him. I don’t even want to think about what this will do to Alex, and even worse, Jack’s happy-go-lucky persona will be broken.

“You know that those guys are not gonna leave you here again and you know it. I’m sick of you doing this to yourself! All they want is for you to be happy. All I want is for you to be happy. But you won’t let yourself. Devon loves you okay? He wants you to be happy, he would die knowing you were like this. He would . . . you know what he would do. But it hurts me right now. So please . . . Please I’m begging you. Come with me. Try to get better. Please?” She pleaded as tears started to come out of her eyes as well. I knew she was right, I knew I had to go.

“I’ll go and I’ll try. I promise that I will try for you and for them. But I need help,” I told her softly and helplessly. I needed to get away. I needed to be happy. It was just so hard sometimes.

“Honey, you have all the help you could ever want or need on that bus. In all four of those guys, whether you believe it or not. I’ll grab your bags, how about you head out to the car, Rian’s already at the hotel,” she replied and ushered me out the door. I was far too emotionally exhausted to question what she meant by all four of the guys. Zack was a dick. I was pretty sure his actually penis had to be tiny because three quarters of it was in his personality. All he cared about was how muscular he was and possibly the girls he could get. Even then that one was questionable. I honestly believed that he only cared about himself. I’m not gonna lie, he is one of the most attractive people that I have ever met, but his personality and the way he acted just made everything ugly. There was no possible way he would do anything but argue and make fun of me this entire tour.

I was sitting in the car for at least ten minutes before Ryla had come back out of the house with all my stuff. I honestly don’t know why she thought I couldn’t carry my own stuff, but I was lazy enough not to argue with her. Plus it was rather entertaining watching her carry all 5 of my bags. I began giggling as she hoped into the drives side after putting all my stuff in the back seat. She was mumbling as she started the car and backed out of the driveway.

“Could you have possibly packed any more of your crap?” She asked while trying to stay focused on the road. I laughed a little and just stared out the window.

“I could have, but then I probably would have had to help, and where’s the fun in that?” I asked sarcastically. She quickly shot a glare at me while pulling into the hotel’s parking lot. I pulled down the mirror is the visor to make sure that my make-up wasn’t everywhere and saw that my eyes were still red and puffy. It was a curse, whenever I cried my eyes would stay crying eyes for what seemed like forever.

“Don’t worry about it, none of them will say anything in front of everyone else,” she spoke, obviously reading my mind. We hoped out of the car and I was tackled, and this is not an exaggeration, by the one and only Jack. As we were laying on the ground him awkwardly on top of me I heard the others laugh and one just scoff. I automatically knew who it was.

“What, Merdick? Wishing that you were the one on top of me?” I replied while pushing Jack off and getting up slowly. Everyone else’s laughter died down. Ryla’s gaze was the worst, she knew what kind of mood I was in and what this conversation could end up leading too. She knew that we were a bomb that was just waiting to explode.

“Oh ouch. That hurt so bad,” he replied rolling his eyes and I instantly wanted to smack that smug look right off his chiseled face. I just looked at him and felt the pressure of everyone else looking at me. I could decide that this wasn’t worth it and actually start tour off right or I could do what I actually wanted to do, which was punch him right in his pierced nose.

“You are so lucky that I am not in the mood for this,” I had a menacing tone as I spoke. I walked straight onto the bus and decided to pick out my bunk. I was so afraid that I was gonna fall off in the middle of the night so I took the first one on the bottom and just threw myself into it. He was such an ass. He had no idea what I was going through every day of my life.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes once again and I didn’t want to cry. I was so done with the wet feeling on my face, and the salty tears running down my lips. I hated it, but I was too weak to stop myself. Devon would hate me. As I realized this I started to cry even more and it took all I had not to make any noise. His face was etched into my memories, his thousand-watt smile was always plastered on his face. I wish I could be as strong as him. He would dive into anything without second thinking it. My entire body ached when he was away from me. It felt like I was missing my better half. I heard footsteps come up onto the bus and kept going until they stopped right outside my closed bunk. I tried to wipe my face off as fast as I could but it was no point, it was still very clear what I had just been doing. The person ripping open the curtain was the last person I would have imagined coming in to check on me.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he said softly as he sat down on the floor right outside my bunk. His face had softened as soon as he saw my puffy eyes and you could just tell he felt terrible. He thought this was all about him, what a joke.

“This world does not revolve around you,” I snapped and turned around trying to ignore him. I could still hear his breathing and felt his eyes on my back so I knew he hadn’t left yet.

“I’m trying to be nice, and you are making it really hard,” he replied softly. I could tell that someone had influenced him into coming. There was no possible way he had decided to come on his own. I turned around glaring at him.

“You don’t know shit. Okay? So why don’t you just leave me alone? Tell whoever told you to come back here and apologize that it had nothing to do with you. No need to focus on anything other than yourself, Merdick,” I spoke on the verge of yelling. I didn’t want to draw any more attention to myself then what had already been given. Zack just stared at me, like he was trying to figure out what had me hating life so much. We used to argue all the time, it was small bickering, we were never best friends but we were never what we were now. I knew why I was acting like this it was just so hard to admit.

As he slowly got up and began to walk away I tried to fight off the thoughts I knew would have no mercy on my already fragile mind. When he was halfway out the door, he turned around and offered a sad smile.

“I never wanted to be like this,” he whispered and turned around and walked out of the bunk area. That sad smile and those final words were what really hit home. What made me realize why I really hated him right now. As much as I hated to admit it, he reminded me so much of him. The warmness of my bed quickly calmed me. As I was dozing off I finally spoke what I thought out loud, admitting it fully.

“He’s just like Devon,” I whispered and fell completely to sleep.