Feet First

I sat at the table, and tried to process what just happened.

I didn’t know if I’d done something wrong, or just said something that set her off.

I didn’t know if I should apologize or not.

I didn't know how to fix it, and there was nothing worse than that not knowing.

I felt terrible because she was so nice and quiet and harmless and beautiful, and I’d just upset her, and I couldn’t figure out why.

I wanted to fix it.

She made me want to fix it, because for knowing her for this long, I’d never noticed how kind
she was.

Because I hadn’t taken the time, and now that I had, I’d hurt her.

I got up and walked back to the bus, not wanting to upset her more and walk after her.

I got to the bus and thought maybe I should, but it was too late for that.

I walked on the bus.

“Where’s Liv?” Sam asked.

I turned to him, not sure what to tell him without worrying anyone.

But I didn’t want her to sit alone, I just didn’t want to upset her more by going myself.

“She went back to your van.” I said, simply.

“Who’s Liv?” Jack asked.

“Well I guess you guys used to call her Maggie because her middle name is Margaret. But her
first name’s Olivia.” Andrew explained.

“She doesn’t want us to call her Maggie.” I snapped.

They all gave me a look.

“Shit, it might be hard not to call her Maggie.” Jack said.

“Well she wants you to call her Olivia.”

“Calm down man, I was just saying it might be hard, we've been calling her Maggie for years.”

Yeah, but we didn't know a thing about Maggie. We never did. And I didn't know a thing about Olivia either, only that I'd somehow hurt her today.

“Well we’re all gonna try.” I said.

I walked back to talk to Andrew.

He seemed like he might know something, she'd seemed very close with him. He'd gotten her in the band so they had to have known each other before.

“Have you known Olivia for a long time?” I asked.

“Yeah we became friends when we were both juniors. She and I both worked at the instrument store down by Thames. We became best friends there, and I knew she sang and played guitar, so when we started a band, I asked her. But I never went to your school or anything. And I never knew she knew you until this tour.”

“Oh, she never mentioned it?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay, maybe this is too personal for you to tell me, but is she like, okay.”

He looked confused for a second, but then realized what I was asking and his face turned serious.

“Well, I don’t know if she’d want me to talk about it. But she’s okay now. She wasn’t back then.”

He paused for a second.

“Why did something happen? Did she tell you anything?” He asked, becoming really defensive.

“No not really, just that she had some problems in high school. And I was kind of surprised I never knew since I was so close with her sister.” I explained.

“Oh. Olivia and Annie don’t really talk. They never really did.”

“Why not?”

“Well Annie wasn’t there for her at all when she was going through stuff. She never really even noticed. Olivia said she never really was a big sister to her, she kind of ignored her. Why do you ask?”

Shit.

That’s what she was saying.

She never noticed because of me.

I wanted to kick myself.

I put my elbows on my knees and my head on my hands.

“Shit.” I whispered.

“Are you okay man?” He asked.

I had to collect my thoughts before I answered.

“Wait,” He said, and I looked up towards him. “Were you the guy that was with Annie in high school?”

“Well, we were never together, but like-“ I realized why he might be asking. “Why has she said anything about me?”

His eyes grew wide, and I could see the wheels turning in his head, like he was putting together a puzzle.

“What?” I asked, becoming impatient.

“No, it’s just, a lot more things make sense now. I’m gonna go check on her.” He said.

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” I asked.

“No I really think it’s better that I check on her.”

“Wait!” I said.

He looked at me, eyes wide with worry.

“Tell her I didn’t mean to upset her. And that I'm sorry.”

“Okay.” He said.

I knew he could tell that apology held a lot more weight than it may have sounded to others.

I sat there and watched him walk away.

And I began to think, which sometimes, I hated when I did.

I never knew anything about Olivia, because Annie never talked about her.

Because Annie and her weren’t close.

And they weren’t close, because Annie was so wrapped up with me and other aspects of her own life, that she couldn’t see her sister’s.

I laughed to myself.

Funny.

Because I was too unwilling to look past my life to see that Annie and I could have been something.

We could have loved each other.

But I didn’t look past my unwillingness for a commitment and at the same time, not wanting to pass someone like Annie up.

It was the same selfishness.

The world was one fucking vicious cycle wasn’t it?

I shook that thought, not wanting to depress myself further.

So I thought about the situation at hand.

There were still holes, lots of holes, in my new understanding, but there was no way they were to be resolved now.

They would be resolved in time, when I gained her trust and proved I wasn’t the same boy who, out of complete selfishness, hurt her sister, and indirectly, or maybe very directly, hurt her.

I needed to make it up to her.

I didn’t know why, I just did.

So, I crawled into my bunk.

Still completely confused, and feeling truly terrible about everything.