We Will Never Be the Same

It had only been a week since Josh had been back and I was happy to have him around, he definitely didn't let me sit around and be sad. I had tried to keep my doubts from Josh only because I didn't want to discuss them. I knew I was going to be excited for the baby but it would take some time. Josh was asleep on the couch, he had been up watching football and never made his way to the bedroom. I took a look around, and started to feel overwhelmed. I turned around to face the hall, looking back and forth from the two doors. Our bedroom door was opened, revealing an unmade bed and clothes on the floor. While the other was shut, I stared at the door for a moment before turning back around and walking over to Josh.

I shook him a bit, "Josh."

"No." He mumbled, turning away from me. I sighed deeply and shook him one more time, "I'm being serious!" I snapped. He looked over at me and eyed me for a moment before closing his eyes again.

"What is it?" He yawned.

"Don't you think we should move?" I whispered. I was hoping he would just agree but I should have seen the questioning coming.

"What for?" He rubbed at his sleepy eyes and sat up, smiling at me. I shrugged and let out a defeated sigh.

"You just want to move? " He asked.

"I just thought....It would be best. Not that I don't like it here but there's only two rooms and I wouldn't feel right putting the baby in Sophia's room. I guess it might sound weird, but it makes me sad here." I swallowed hard to try and get the feeling of crying to go away, "I'm not trying to forget her but its hard to move on when we're here," I shrugged once again, "Never mind, forget it"

"We can move, I'm fine with it." Josh nodded, reaching over to put his hand on my shoulder. He gave it a small squeeze .

"Thanks." I breathed out. I fidgeted in my seat and reached my hand out to grasp his free hand, "Um." I started, "I want to...go visit her." Josh furrowed his eyebrows a bit before nodding, "Yeah, that sounds great. " He let go of my shoulder and caressed my cheek with his big hand,

"When do you want to go?" He asked softly.

"Today." I replied slowly.

~

I wasn't sure as to where I had gotten the strength to go see Sophia. I knew it wasn't going to be easy once we got there but I figured I was almost coming to terms with the whole thing. Josh parked the car and I sat in my seat, just staring out the window and into the big gates of the cemetery.

"Come on, love." Josh opened my door, I looked up at him and then undid my seat belt before grabbing his hand tightly. It didn't take us long to reach her, I stood there and read her tombstone over and over.

I wiped at my eyes and under my nose, Josh let go of my hand and reached down to set some flowers by her grave. I reached down and brushed my fingers over her name, brushing the dust away.

"Sorry, we haven't come to visit you." I managed to breath out. I could seriously break down, I was so close to crying my heart out but I was trying to be strong.

"But we'll be coming a lot more from now on." I added. Josh smiled at me, his eyes were getting watery and I had to look away from him. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, feeling the tears stream down my face. Josh was saying something but I couldn't really comprehend, he chuckled a bit and I opened my eyes, looking over at him.

"What?"

"Just telling her, her daddy is a handsome musician "

I rolled my eyes and smiled a bit. I watched Josh as he talked, he talked as if he was talking to me. He didn't look sad, instead he had a small smile on his face. He talked about countless things, mostly about himself but that was okay, because it was really cute.
We said goodbye, for now. Josh grabbed my hand and lead the way out. It felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, I was bit surprised at how relieved I was feeling.

When we got into the car, I glanced at Josh and said, "How can you be...so okay when we were out there?"

"I just think about how she's in a better place and that she's happy where she is, she doesn't have to worry about anything. " I sat back in my seat and thought over his words, replaying them in my head over and over.

"That's a nice way to think about things." I whispered.

"That's the way you should look at it." He smiled over at me.

"Yeah." I nodded.