Let it Out and Be Free.

I want to tell them. It's not important, though, I guess. I mean.. I don't have any reason to, yet... If someone important enough comes along.. I'll tell everyone, then. Definitely then.

I've been thinking too much again. With being off of work and school today, I had too much free time. It kills me, having nothing better to do that sit at home and think. Thinking will be the death of me, I'm sure. When I start thinking, I can't stop. My mind wanders around and around. To my scars. To those years of depression. The years of self harm. Eraser burning. Lighter burning. 'Accidentally' bumping into things. I'm really not that clumsy, you know. I've just always preferred the way I looked bruised, cut up, covered in scars.

I think the seven months of cutting were when I was self harming the most. Not a day went by that I didn't get a new cut, a new burn... Something. Fuck, I'm starting to miss that time again. I can't miss it. I need to stay strong. Be okay until I'm busy again. I can handle this.

"Hey, sis. What's wrong?" my sister, Lelabeth questions immediately after looking at my face.

I close my diary, "It's nothing you need to worry about, Le. I've just been.. thinking."

She sits by me, "Your scars again? Har... I don't want you to cut. Or anything else. Everyone is so proud of you for quitting."

I hug her, "Thanks, sis. You shouldn't have to deal with this. You're fourteen, I'm your older sister. You shouldn't have walked into the room that day, at that time... I didn't want you to have to see that."

"It was disturbing, yeah. I won't lie. But I am so glad I walked in then. I need my older sister around. I always will, whether you like it or not." She smiles, now, causing me to smile as well. I love my sister. She is literally the reason I'm still alive.

"I know."

Our sisterly moment is interrupted when our mother walks into the house, having just gotten off of work. She is a nurse.

"Hey, mom!" I greet, hugging my mother. "How was work?"

She looks exhausted, "Long. I just want to sleep..."

My sister gets up and takes my mom's hand, "Not until you eat. I don't want you hurting yourself, mom. Here," she sits my mom at the table and begins getting her food. "I already made you dinner. Eat that, then you can sleep all you want."

Lelabeth is so much more mature and responsible than someone her age should be. Ever since she was able to, she's taken care of my mother and I. God knows we both need it. Lela makes sure we eat every day, and that we sleep enough, that we're up in time and ready, helps us find things.. she's amazing. It probably sounds bad, but I look up to my little sister. She's just got it all together. And I am so far from that. My sister shouldn't have been through some of the things she's been through. She was the one I could turn to when I self harmed. She helped me clean my wounds, and talked to me. She would always hold me when I cried. Someday I hope to be there for her like that. She deserves it. She deserves so much more. She deserves a stable, happy family. Where she can be a normal teenager, and not have to emotionally support everyone. I mean, she is just so great. She is, after all, the one that helped me. And I'm just so fucking stubborn. It is just.. amazing.