The Girl in the Window

It was weird for me to see my creepy neighbor whose name I couldn’t remember out as I walked to my bus stop. It was the first time I had seen him outside during that time. His focus was on me as I made my way around the corner. He waved at me and I barely acknowledged his gesture. I never liked new neighbors, especially not ones that seemed too willing to say hello to someone. He actually sat there like he belonged there and that he wanted to be there. It looked so backwards to me. I tried to ignore it and go on but it was stuck in my conscious for the rest of the day.

On the bus, Gero seemed to take interest in me again. I questioned if he got that I wanted to hit and quit. Then I thought that maybe he wanted to be Wanya’s upgrade. That was something I could work with. Then I remembered that I was on detox.

“So Shade, what’s good?”

“Not life.”

“I feel you dough. But fo’ real though, what do you do in yo’ spare time?”

“I write.”

“Aight, das cool. What about on da weekends?”

“Nothin’.”

“Really...?” I lowered my eyes.

“Not for a long time.”

“You mind kickin’ it wit’ me dis weekend?” He made the shit so easy. It was almost impossible to resist. Wanya has been somewhere only he knows and everyone else would take too much effort to get back with. My finger wasn’t making me happy anymore. Never really did. I needed something. I was dying.

“I can’t,” I uttered without thought. As soon as I said it I wanted to take it back. I wanted to say “Yeah, but this time it’s my place.” But I knew that was out of the question. I had to go through with what I was doing.

“Aight,” he said. I was sure that he would just go on to the next booty call the way he dropped it, but it didn’t phase me.

In a life full of temptation, it’s hard to find the way. It’s hard to become virtuous in life. But in life. In life. Sometimes temptation can make you or break you. Sometimes (only sometimes) losing to temptation can make your life all the more venturous. And when, in life, temptation calls you. When temptation tugs at your dress or shorts. What do you do?

Amara actually stuck to her word about becoming my friend. I thought she was bullshitting a little bit at first, but there was none intended. Then the thought occurred to me that she was just desperate to make friends. I didn’t want that. Still, I was willing to give her friendship a shot.

“Shade,” she said, smiling. “How are you? You looked troubled.” Hadn’t noticed that I looked any particular way.

“I seen better days.” More like better months.

“What is troubling you, Shade?” she asked tenderly. Her keenness made me shy a little because most people didn’t give one about my feelings.

“People.”

“People making your life harder?”

“Yes…” I shook my head. She looked at me as if waiting for me to say more. She had some getting-to-know-Shade to do.

“What ‘bout you? You seem content… uh, happy.”

“I know what content means. And I am.”

“Why?”

“Because… life is good.”

“I want some of dat goodness.” She smiled brighter.

“Life is what you make it.” I shook my head.

“It’s not always dat easy.” She didn’t say anything for a while. She just looked at me. I looked away and wished I hadn’t said anything. I rarely refute. I just take what’s given and cope.

“Why do you let things trouble you?” I frowned.

“Amara look…” I didn’t want to be mean to her. She seemed so innocent and kind. Plus it was hard to upset someone as attractive as herself. “Amara, does your name have any… significance?” I almost feared she would judge me for using “big words” but she seemed to comprehend fine.

“Well, the Ethiopian meaning is pleasing.”

“Are you Ethiopian?”

“No.” She looked away then smiled. “Maybe.”

“You can tell me now, come on.”

“Yes, I am.” She sighed.

“I’m not going to be ignorant about it.”

“What?” She had that loudness again but not with a rude attitude to it like most black people I know.

“I know some things about Africa, unlike most people.”

“Oh.” And again that silence. “To me, Africa is the best place in the world. So much diversity, so much culture, so many loving people, such a wonderful history. But Africa has been so hurt by white people…” She checked my face to see if I was offended or even cared, but all was well. It was nice to hear her speak her mind. “Like all the colonies set up there that people had to win apartheid in South Africa. But I don’t know so many white people do bad things to Africa. They try to say we need education and technology like we are savages. But that is not the way to live. I mean, look what living like this does to the world. We got melting icecaps, endangered species, global warming and everything. Living natural is better anyway. It is good for the earth.” She took a break. I was digesting everything she was saying and kind of upset that she stopped talking. “I’m sorry. I hope I did not overwhelm you or anything.”

“No, no, I like that you’re telling me this. It’s one of the most intellectual conversations I had with someone here.” She smiled sweetly. “But Amara, why did ya’ll move to America?”

“Problems in Ethiopia. So many I can’t say now. We have hunger problems there now. Looks like it might become a famine. It breaks my heart.”

“I feel you, girl.”

“What bothers you Shade?”

“Black people.”

“What do you mean?” Unfortunately the bell for the start of school rang. “Fuck,” I said with passion. We stood up. “What lunch do you have?”

“I have C.” It was the same lunch as me.

“Oh.” We started walking our own ways. “I do too. I sit at the middle table. Just look for me.”

“Okay Shade.” Then she left. I wanted to follow her. Not only did she seem smart, but she was gorgeous. She smelt eccentric also. I wish I had met her a long time ago. But then was better than never.

Sasha seemed to be in a bad mood. Her hair was still in a wrap and she was wearing raggedy clothes. She had on dated jeans and a big T-shirt on that defied all rules of beauty. She sat next to me, fuming, and got right to venting.

“I got in a fight with my ex yesterday,” she started to say. “I fucked her up, but I’m still mad.” She took her hair out of her wrap and I started my journal. Sometimes I didn’t know what to think about her. She was pretty but it seemed like the brains weren’t catching up to her face. I didn’t want to label her as just “I smashed that” but it was hard not to. “Darnell said it was stupid.” It was especially harder to do right after the conversation with Amara. “And I got nothin’ out of it. Den I realized dat dat was what you was getting’ at da otha day.”

“Yes, it was.”

“Have you ever gotten in a fight befo’?” As shameful as it was, I did.

“Yeah.”

“Who?”

“A white girl. It was really dumb ‘cause she was white trash and really slow. I fought her ‘cause she was fuckin’ my boyfriend and I thought she was a ho. I was still a virgin then but… I just didn’t know what to do. In the end though, not shit came out of it. I still didn’t get my boyfriend back and he wasn’t worth it.” She sucked her teeth.

“Niggas ain’t nothin’ but dogs no way.”

“Sasha…”

“They is!”

“Even Darnell?”

“Hell yeah. He da biggest one. You don’t know dat nigga on da real.”

“How is he a dog?” She shook her head.

“I shouldn’t even be tellin’ you dis, but he used to be a real ho.”

“How?”

“That’s it! Can’t say no more. You ask em.” I shook my head.

“I can’t talk to Darnell.”

“Why not?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Hey, how you feel ‘bout dis girl sittin’ wit’ us at lunch?”

“Who is she?”

“A girl named Amara.”

“Oh.” She said ‘oh’ like Amara was her ex. “That weird girl?”

“She’s not weird. She’s just foreign. Plus she’s nice.”

“She so dark though.” Damn, I was hoping she wasn’t like other people. I should have better then that.

“I think she’s pretty.”

“If she got a little lighter, she’d be bad.”

“She bad wit’ her skin tone. I mean, Darnell dark.”

“But he’s a guy. Dey can get away wit’ it. But no one likes a dark ass girl.”

“I like dark skin in general. Jus’ ‘cause society wants to believe dark skinned girls are ugly, that don’t mean they are. No skin tone is ugly.” She looked around.

“Well… she is pretty. You tryan get wit’ her?”

“She go dat way?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not. Just think she cool.”

“Aight… it don’t matter to me no way.” She sent a quick text message. “If she did though, would you date her?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I mean, she’s smart, and pretty, but it would be secret.”

“Ugh. I’m jealous.” I smirked. “I’m not gonna sit here an’ lie an’ say I’m smart ‘cause I don’t do shit in school.”

“You have da potential though, Sasha.”

“How you know?”

“‘Cause you got some light in dere.”

“Yeah… fuck, you needa get to know Darnell. Maybe das why I like you so much.”

“I’ll pass.”

“Why?” If I kept acting weird about the topic of Darnell, she would catch on eventually. But I had to tell her someday.

“I don’t know. What you doin’ dis weekend dough?”

“Not shit.”

“Wanna come by my place?”

“Are you tryna break your withdrawing?”

“Nah. I want to talk to you about something.”

“Am I gonna get to meet Jim?” That completely slipped my mind.

“In that case… let’s go to your house. Jus’ me an’ you through.”

“…Whatever you say, Shade.”

Monroe had a mean ass look on his face. I could only laugh on the inside because I knew he wasn’t willing to tell me what was on his mind. His attention was aimless, and he was too consumed in his anger to do anything to distract himself from his anger.

“You good Monroe?” I couldn’t help myself from asking.

“Shut up,” he said annoyed. It was obvious that he was in a bad space.

“Is it dat time of da month for males?” I was pushing his buttons.

“Fortunately, I’m not a bitch like you. Now shut the fuck up.” Okay. “That’s why your dad got locked up.” That one hit a little too hard.

“Oh, so you gonna play dirty now? Bet it got somethin’ to do wit’ dat bitch Molly, huh? Ain’t looked at her once since we been here and das a record for you.” He looked away, looking upset and defeated. “Ah, got em. Now suck on dis bitch, talking ‘bout my dad an’ shit ‘cause you got personal problems.” He sat looking like it was the worst day of his life. Although I cussed him out, it disgusted me that he had such a lack of respect for me. There was never a time when I started being rude to him. If anything, I tried to be nice to him. However, it was pretty clear why he had his feelings. I didn’t fully know what to do with people like him and it affected me a lot because I wanted to get people like him to think differently. I wanted to get people like him to understand much of black people’s predicament. Perhaps some day I could, I thought.

Felt like a little kid at an amusement park waiting to get on one ride, at lunch. I was scared that Amara wouldn’t find me in the cafeteria. I didn’t give her my number or anything like that. Sasha beat her to the table. I was happy that she brought a change of clothes to wear instead of the busted ones she had on.

“Where dat girl at?” she asked.

“Iunno. I tol’ her dis table. Hope she fin’ her way.” And she did. She didn’t buy any lunch, though. She brought herself. Looking at her walking to the table then was so different from her being there in the morning. In the morning, I wasn’t expecting her, but she was there and I didn’t know how to react to it. But then, I expected her there, and she was there, and I knew exactly how to react to it. I got a better chance to truly look at her. She had beautiful brown almond shaped eyes. The whites of her eyes were so white, they were almost blue. And the lip gloss she put on her lips made them pop beautifully. The jewelry she wore was different from anyone else’s. They consisted of exotic beads and cowry shells. And the clothes she wore couldn’t be found in any American stores that I knew of. She had on this beaded arm bracelet and some kind of shirt that went around her neck, but bare on the back. It had two rows of cowry shells around the neck area and coming down the bottom she was teasing some cleavage that was slightly covered by her beaded necklace which rested between her two breasts. She was playing with fire and not even aware.

“You found your way,” I said as she sat down. I looked at Sasha, who was looking at Amara with slight lust in her eyes. I held back a smirk.

“This is Sasha,” I introduced.

“I’m Amara, Sasha.” Sasha smiled.

“Wa’s up,” Sasha said. I felt a little more at ease to see her be kind to Amara. I mean, how could anyone not be kind to her? She was so peaceful.

“So, not to be rude or nothing, but I kind of want to know what you meant earlier about black people, Shade.” She had reminded me of the main reason I invited her over in the first place. I hoped Sasha didn’t mind my topic. Generally, Sasha and I never really had a meaningful topic to talk about. It was usually about her and her personal problems. I was never willing to share any.

“I don’t like ignorant black people—”

“Me neither,” she said cutting me off. “I’m sorry, just had to agree, continue.”

“I mean, I understand why some of us think the way we do, but I wish we could get away from it sooner, ya’know?”

“Yeah. One thing that really bothers me though is when black people say that if I was lighter, I’d be prettier.” It kind of hurt me to hear her say that because Sasha said the same thing. I could see Sasha looking down in my peripheral vision. “My parents say I’m beautiful and people from my country say so too. But why do black people here not think the same? Do you think I’m less pretty because I’m darker, Shade?”

“No! I mean… no. I don’t think you need to be lighter. I like dark skin.” And hers was rich. The richest chocolate imaginable. Sickeningly sweet. Only bitter to those who didn’t know how to appreciate the richness of dark chocolate.

She smiled sweetly then said: “But why do they think that way? Why does the media think dark skin is bad and people believe it? But when you go to villages in Africa where their access to the media is limited, skin color does not matter so much to them and sometimes darker skin is considered more beautiful?”

“It’s the sad tragedy of slavery.”

“You mean American slavery?”

“Yes. Where black Africans were enslaved by white Europeans.”

“How is that the reason?”

“Because to be white was to have freedom. It was to be wealthy. To be beautiful. White people would consider blacks as ugly because they felt superior over them. Then over time, black people believed it.”

“So why do you not?”

“Because… my parents didn’t teach me to think darkness was ugliness. Plus I’m from Maryland which has one of the highest African populations in the US.” She smiled with joy.

“So you seen a lot of Africans?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know it then.” I took a quick glance at Sasha who was still looking down. “But I think it’s bad for black people to think that way ‘cause it damages our race. It’s bad to feed into the horrible stigmas that a racist past has put on us.” In a way, I was talking to Sasha, but I didn’t want to look at her and make her feel like I was pointing her out. But I took her silence as a sign of her listening.

“Ohh, I like you Shade.” She said genuinely. “I’m happy I became your friend. You are cool.”

“Amara,” Sasha finally said, looking up. “Where’re you from?”

“Ethiopia.”

“What part of Africa is dat?”

“East.” Then Sasha smiled.

“I like your clothes.”

“Thanks.” She smiled. “I got them from Africa.”

“Yeah. They’re interesting.” My heart rate went down so many beats after seeing Sasha getting along with Amara. All three of us easily talked throughout the rest of lunch, mainly about our likes and dislikes regarding music and entertainment.

Somehow as I was going to my forth period, I managed to run into Darnell. I tried avoiding him but he was trying to talk to me.

“Now you tryna take my friend away from me, huh Shade?” I didn’t know what the fuck to say. I knew what he was talking about.

“I um…,” I started. “I jus’ wanna tell her somethin’ but I’ll feel weird if I tol’ her while you’re around.” He studied my face.

“Shade, are you really friends with Sasha or are you playing her?” There was the real problem. It wasn’t that I was kicking him out. He feared that I was going to do Sasha like I did him.

“I’m friends with Sasha, Darnell.” The bell for class rang and he didn’t move an inch in reaction. He was searching my face for a lie and it didn’t help that I kept looking away.

“Aight,” he said then went to stepping. Their friendship really ran deep. She was not bullshitting when she said they were there for each other. But I had no intentions in hurting Sasha. Girls couldn’t be treated the same as guys and that was another reason I toyed with them the least. With girls, their hardship ran deep and through the blood for a while. With guys, it was surfaced and gone down the drain with a shower. So when I fucked with a girl I always considered her friendship.

When the neighbor looked at me, I got a chill. It wasn’t because of his pale eyes – at least not completely – but it was the fact that he was sitting in the same place he was when I left for school. He had to have moved, I thought. Who would just sit there for hours on end without doing anything? I thought maybe it was just his chill spot. But there was no excuse for his peculiar stare at me passing by. His eyes followed my every foot step. Never had I felt more uncomfortable.

When I got in my house, I started gasping for air. Hadn’t noticed that I had been holding my breath after seeing the neighbor. Thinking of neighbors quickly led me to think of the girl who I saw through the window sometimes. Thought it wouldn’t hurt so much to meet her especially since I fantasized about her and she lived so close. But that day wasn’t the day.