The Girl in the Window

Most times Friday was like celebration. But today, it was leading to hell.

Mama came into my room in the morning, excited again.

“Some new neighbor moved in,” she said. “And he is cute.” I rolled my eyes. “You know if things ‘tween me an’ Jim don’t work out...” Then she did a dirty laugh. “Only if he got money dough.”

“Ma, what make you think dat people movin’ in dis neighborhood got money?” I asked.

“Girl, you neva know.”

“Whateva.”

“Okay so... Jim’ll be here before you get home, jus’ warnin’ yah.” I groaned. “Shade, why don’t you like Jim?”

“Because... you don’t know ‘im.”

“I know enough.” Then she started to leave.

“Wait mama, mommy,” I said. She looked at me.

“What?” I had to tell her what I felt, what was bothering me, but I couldn’t.

“Can you make breakfast?” I asked instead. It was a question I knew the answer to.

“Girl no. You can have a Hot Pocket.” I lowered my eyes and played with my fingers. My eyes hurt. So I rubbed the pain away and finished getting ready for school. Sucked snot while eating my Hot Pocket and walked to the bus stop.

Gero wore rose red that day. He looked like a chocolate covered cherry that melted. He sat in the seat in-front of me again, but angled himself.

“Pizza breath,” he said. “Want some gum?” I thought, did he really just say that?

“Well, dat was polite,” I said sarcastically. He chuckled.

“I was kidding’. I just have good smell, and yo’ breath ain’t dat bad. But do you want gum? I wanted to share it wit’ you.” I slowly took the gum. “Damn, I’m happy it’s Friday, ain’t you?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I lied with a fake smile plastered on. He just looked at me until I asked: “What you doin’ dis weekend?”

“Nothin’ really. Jus’ chillin at the house. Wha’ ‘bout you?” I thought of a lie.

“Hangin’ wit’ a friend.” It wasn’t a complete lie.

“Aight cool. Quick quiz, what’s my name mean?” I gave him a blank stare, then slapped my forehead.

“Fuck, forgot again. I’m sorry.” He shook his head.

“I guess your mind is a shade of gray too.” I didn’t know what he meant so I let it go. We had that awkward silence until it wasn’t awkward anymore because we just weren’t talking.

At school Lorraine and Jada sat with me, but it was a tense silence. After the argument we had the other day I honestly didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t even know why they wanted to sit near me. I was sure Jada had something to do with it.

“So, what you doin’ tonight... Shade?” Jada asked. Lorraine whispered something to her. She laughed a little. I rolled my eyes.

“Chillin’ at home.”

“Oh. Me too. I ain’t doin’ shit.”

“You wanna go to da mall wit’ me?” Lorraine asked. “Jus’ you dough, ‘cause my mama only like to take one otha person wit’ her.” If she was trying to piss me off, it worked. I would have done almost anything to get away from Jim.

“Um, iunno,” Jada said, nervous.

“I’s okay. I don’t min’ chillin’ at home,” I said, making Jada feel better.

“Yeah, I’ll go.” Lorraine rolled her eyes and purposely took all of her attention off of me. Jada looked at the both of us worried about making either one of us upset. I didn’t care anyway. Lorraine and I never really got along.

Going to first period was a relief with Sasha in it. By the look on my teacher’s face I knew we were going to have a pop quiz. Sasha was definitely going to cheat off me. Knew other people would be looking to cheat, but nobody knew I knew shit.

Like she usually did, Sasha came to class late. It wasn’t as late as she usually was, but she wasn’t on time.

“Pop quiz,” the teacher announced. Then after the moans and groans she passed out the half paper. Sasha gave me a look, telling me that my answers were her grade. I touched her hand and said:

“I got ‘chu.” She smiled. We took the quiz and turned it in. While we waited for the rest of the class to finish, she talked quietly.

“So,” she started to say. “What you doin’ today?” I sighed.

“Remember what I told you? Still gotta do it.”

“Yeah, but you never told me why you hate him so much.” I looked down at my hands.

“He’s jus’ not dat great of a person. My mama only like ‘im ‘cause he got money.” She nodded her head and looked around.

“So you’re still comin’ on Saturday?” She smiled then lowered her eyes.

“Yeah, of course. Wish I could come today.” She looked at me and smirked.

“So do I.”

At lunch the two of us talked and she basically flirted with me. I blushed and worried if anyone was listening or watching. But no one seemed to be in our business.

“You need to redo your nail polish.” She took my hand.

“You wanna do ‘em for me? I’m not good at it.” She smiled.

“Yeah, girl, I got ‘chu.”

Before the school day could finish good, I was walking home. I walked slow, trying to keep from seeing Jim. My new neighbor was still moving things in. He watched as I walked down the street.

“Good afternoon,” he said after his long gaze. His voice ran deep into my ears and cut through my brain. Just his voice sliced the air and no other sounds mattered. It was mysterious, and made you want to ask him “why are you really moving here?” It was an awkward moment for me.

“Uh, hi,” I answered awkwardly. He quickly went back to work paying me no attention. Inevitably, I was at my house.

Dramatically slow I opened the door and walked in. The TV was on football. That was the first sign. With as little noise as possible I sat down and did my homework. All was well for that period of time until he asked:

“Shade, can you bring me a glass of water?” I was thinking, this nigga must think I’m his waitress. But I kept my cool and said:

“I’m kinda doin’ my homework.” He sighed and stood up. The whole TV screen was covered by his height and thick built. But he had a beer belly and heavy feet, flatter than Texas roads, dry like them too. Each step put a hurting on the ground and a warning of his arrival. His flat feet made static across the floor and sweat on my brow. My pencil froze and his feet were all I could hear. Finally he came to the kitchen.

“Damn, can’t get a break ‘round here from you,” he said. Then he looked at me. “Look like you saw a monster.” It’s you, I thought. He put ice in a glass cup and filled it with tap water. I began writing again. He leaned across the sink with his ankles crossed while sipping his water. His eyes moved all around. All I could hear was the ice in the cup.

“What kinda homework you doin’?”

“English.” My response came out just short from a whisper.

“That was my best subject in school.”

“Well, I don’t need any help.” He nodded his head and finally walked away. I breathed, feeling more comfortable. It was hard for me to concentrate on my homework because I was afraid he would return with something more crazy. But he didn’t. He kept his big ass sitting in the same spot. Always figured that his two jobs was the only work he was willing to do. He wanted someone to pamper him, starting with me.

After my homework I went to my room and sat on my bed. I got comfortable, changing into a tank top and a short skirt. Pen in hand, and iPod hooked up to my speakers, I wrote. I wrote a song or poem about the life I wanted to live and who to live it with and how I was stuck in the fucked up life I was in at the time. I got sucked into the song so much, it made me pity myself. Felt like I was wasting air because I wasn’t doing anything but accepting the hellified life I was living in. Had me thinking I was worthless and never tried to leave a part of me even when I have left the world. That’s what I wanted to do; to make a difference in the world. But who was I but a broke, easy, black female living in the hood with no good people? These people who lived poor for generations because they blamed everybody but themselves for their poverty.

My thoughts were interrupted when Jim walked into my room. I nearly dropped my notebook when he came in. Instead I put it next to me.

“Didn’t you hear me calling you?” he asked, calmly. “Was gonna ask you if you could make dinner or somethin’. I’m hungry.” I wanted to push him out of my room and bust his nose with my door. But I’d be dead.

“I don’t cook on Fridays unless it’s just my brother and sister.” He nodded his head nonchalantly. I didn’t even think dinner was on his mind. Thought he just wanted to bother me. He came more into my room, making me more uncomfortable. I folded my arms across my chest.

“Why don’t you ever cover your bed with your comforter? And you never wear your hair down.”

“Why does that matter?”

“‘Cause your sheets look like shit.” You look like shit, I thought. But he especially did with shorts and his mismatched socks. Then to rub things in, he had the nerve to wear nothing but his white undershirt, accenting his beer belly.

“I honestly don’t care,” I said looking down.

“Wow, you look just like your mother, only younger.” I sighed in annoyance.

“Can you leave?”

“What’s your issue? You always have someone in here, don’t you? You can’t even let your soon to be step dad be in here?”

“I want you soon to be gone.” He looked at me for a little while before he left. I was checking in early, not wanting to deal with Jim anymore for the day. He’d have to cook dinner himself or get take out. And the whole time I was trying to sleep, I kept wishing I was with Sasha already. I couldn’t wait for the next day.

Jim was still at our house the next morning. But luckily for me, my mama was home. The young ones were asleep. Decided I was going to fix myself and them some breakfast. Hopefully that would wake them up. Wasn’t going to make my mama any though because she hadn’t made any for me in a months and she didn’t care to either.

After I finished cooking breakfast, my brother and sister raced downstairs to eat. They crowded around the table and ate like they hadn’t for days. I cooked eggs and waffles in the waffle maker. That was their favorite breakfast. My younger brother Trae drowned his waffles in syrup while my little sister Ebony at hers with butter. Usually breakfast was the most time I spent with them because I usually separated myself from them after school. They made sure they used the time the best they could.

“Hey Shade,” Trae started to say. “Yesterday, why you go bed early?”

“‘Cause I was tired.”

“Oh, is ‘cause you don’t like Jim?” I smirked.

“Think you smart huh.” Then the two of them started telling me a kiddie story about what they did while I was away.

After a day of avoiding Jim by staying in my room writing and sitting on my porch, I decided to go to Sasha’s house soon. But before that, I was slightly being nosy. Couldn’t help but pay attention to what my new neighbor was doing. He was tending to his lawn, getting rid of the weeds and whatnot. Something about him interested me, so I wanted to keep looking at him. He noticed me staring at him. He kept glancing at me with his creepy light eyes. Since they seemed to change colors, I assumed they were gray or green. He just seemed so weird to me, especially since he was obviously black, being so by the one drop rule. His hair curled into the perfect O on his head. Looked like if he ran his fingers through it, it would go right back to how it was. His eyes looked like the sun reflected off of them like a mirror. I wondered if mine looked like that. But his light skin looked like that brown chalk in the playground chalk box that nobody touched. It was like something dead on the side of the road that came back to life. Like a vampire that refused to die. I didn’t like his lifeless skin. It almost offended me. And his hair was in too perfect of a curl. It made me want to mess it up, or cut it off.

When I was tired of looking at him with his odd looks and boring day work, I got up and walked into the house. I got my cell phone and called Sasha. She picked up just before the answering machine came on.

“Was up?” she answered.

“It’s Shade. Can I come over now?”

“Yeah. I was waitin’ for you to call.” I smiled.

“Aight. I’ll be there in about thirty minutes.”

“Okay. Take yo’ time, but not too long.” After I said goodbye to her, I hung up and took a shower. I had actually taken one but I couldn’t be too clean if we were going to do what I just knew we were going to do.

Put lotion on myself. It was aromatherapy lotion and I felt good about myself already. Then I put on a ruffled skirt and a nice blouse. The whole time I tried to push back that feeling. I slipped on some magenta sandals that matched my skirt. I had to do something with my eyes, I thought. But my brown contact was too old with no solution and I never had a grey one. Then I thought twice and figured she wouldn’t want me to cover my eyes.

When I was all dolled up I walked out the house. As soon as I stepped foot out of the house, that feeling came. I felt really guilty. No, I felt worse then guilty. Felt like I joined the KKK and I was about to do a lynching. It was something taboo, and not something most people would accept. But why should I care? I wasn’t doing anything bad. I was doing what made me happy. I kept my head up high and kept walking. The weird guy was in the house, probably still doing nothing.

Sasha’s townhouse was a little smaller then mines, but I didn’t care. There was a dirty, white lawn chair right in-front of her window and a raggedy bike on the other side. Some dead flowers sat in a green plastic pot that had cracks on the side. Her house looked like it was trying hard not to sag from the harshness of its environment, but it was losing.

She came to the door after I rang the bell and smiled.

“You came faster dan I thought you would,” she said. Then she let me in. Like a lot of houses around there, her house smelled like old wood, and like chicken grease had been baked into the walls, But it was masked by the burning incense sitting on her coffee table in the family room. Her couch looked like her grandma owned it before and her kitchen was only big enough for two people to walk in it. The carpet was clean except for one spot where juice spilled. But something felt good about her house. It was like a goodness trying to come through but was covered by all the filth and unpleasant things about it.

“You look good,” she said as we walked into the family room. “You want something to drink?”

“Thanks, and sure.” She walked into her arm space kitchen and opened the refrigerator.

“You want lemonade, tea, or coke?”

“Lemonade.” I listened as she poured two glasses of store brand lemonade and brought it to me. We sat down on the couch and drank. I looked around her house. Her walls had nothing on them except for a plain clock and a portrait of herself. Then I noticed a picture of two women. One of them looked like Sasha but older. I guessed it was her mother and her girlfriend in the picture.

“You know Shade,” Sasha started to say. “You have pretty hair. Why don’t you let it out?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Don’t feel like dealin’ wit’ it.” she sighed, then took my hands.

“Need to get dese nails fixed.” Then she stood up with my hand still in hers. She walked to the stairs and up to her second floor. In one room I saw a guy sleeping. He was really tall and fit, and slightly slim like a basketball player. That was all I saw of him. Sasha closed the door to the room he was in.

“Das my best friend, the one I was talkin’ ‘bout wit provin’ me gay,” she started to say. “I ain’t tell you he’s my best friend though. Sometimes he chill here ‘cause his parents be fighten’.”

“What kinda fightin’?”

“Like, real ass scrappin when shit get real.” I nodded my head and automatically felt for him.

We walked into her room. Her room was a huge upgrade from the rest of the house. She had red sheets. Something about the blood red sheets made her bed look like something special. Her walls were lavender and covered with different pictures. She had string beads hanging down her bathroom door with all kinds of dark colors. Her dresser had nothing but perfumes and scented oils on it. A few boxed and whatnot for jewelry and figurines on the shelves of her desk. On her desk was a lonely pink laptop. Only if she told someone she was gay would be how they would know.

“Your room looks nice,” I said.

“Thanks girl, I try.” I sat on her bed and she reached under it to pull out a box. She opened the box and there were a lot of nail polish and manicure items in it.

“I like me some nail polish,” she said. She took a cotton ball and the nail polish remover and put it on the cotton ball. Gently she took my hand and started wiping the polish off. She did it really delicately and it felt nice. Seeing her on her knees giving me a manicure gave me a different type of feeling. Made me feel like I had some kind of power over her.

She then started removing the polish from my toe nails. She held my feet with care, and liked she loved them. After she was done, she buffered them with a buffer bar. That felt good too. Then she painted nail strengthener on my fingers and toenails.

“What color do you want?” I looked at the colors. This one color kept catching my eye. It was a pink color with streaks of metallic colors in it. Like opal when different light hits it.

“I like that colorful pink.” I pointed to the color. She picked it up and shook it a little before she started putting it on my finger nails. It was so nice that she was doing that because no one else had done it before. She moved on to my toes, holding my feet like prize possessions again.

“You have some really nice feet,” she complimented.

“Thank you.”

Finishing up my nails, I decided to do hers. She wanted hers lime green with the glitter on top. So I did it. But I thought her feet were better than mine so I held them much better. Looking at her perfect long legs was dangerous. They felt like the soft leather couch at my aunts house. She oiled that couch like it was her own skin, and she’d only let me sit on it because I treated it with respect.

My hand slid up her leg slowly like I did the leather couch. She giggled. Then I put my cheek to it, feeling its smoothness on my face.

“I like your legs,” I said to her. She reached her hand on my head and pulled off my hair tie. My hair fell on my shoulders and onto her leg. She combed out my hair with her fingers. I put my head on her other leg and looked up at her. She smiled a little bit, but lust was in her eyes. I slid my hands up her long legs and started reaching up to her thighs. She scooted back on her bed and lied down when I got on the bed. Her hands held my waist.

“You seem better at this den me,” she said softly. I hushed her up by kissing her as delicately as she did my nails. She exhaled in relief. put her hands on my breasts and squeezed. My nipples got harder instantly. But she wasn’t happy with them with my bra on. She took off my bra through my shirt and pulled it off through the arms of my blouse while she pulled down my skirt. Then she sat up and pulled down her shorts and pulled off her tank and told me to lay down.

“You smell really good,” she said. So she got over me and kiss my nipples and tasted my skin. Made a trail all the way down to my panties, which she took off, and made love to it better than any guy had ever done. Didn’t seem like she’d be satisfied until she heard pleasure screams from me. Usually I don’t moan until it was fake. But that was because usually when I fucked, it wasn’t any love or care to it. What Sasha was doing was. She heard me sing a song. I had to return the favor. Of course, her song was better than mine.

We laid naked in her bed for a long while. Me looking at the ceiling, her looking at the side of my face. Fiddling with my hair was fun to her.

“I wonder if my mom even gives a fuck about where I am right now,” I said.

“Does your mom know you... go both ways?”

“Hell no. I’d be damned. She knows I’m fuckin’ though even though she never said it. I can just tell she know. Don’t think she knows the numbers though.”

“Guess I’m lucky my mom’s gay so I don’t have to hide nothin’ from her.” I nodded my head. “So, what Jim bad?”

“Not as bad as he usually is. But dat nigga still dere.”

“Why’s he so bad?”

“He just is.”

“Shade, you’re weird. You’re like a guy, but still a girl.”

“How?”

“‘Cause you don’t talk like a girl. Mos’ girls I know can go on about something they like or don’t like. But you only say things if someone asks, and it’s not a lot. Just like a guy.”

“Well. I fuck like a guy too.”

“What you mean?”

“I can hit an’ run, like I told you. Most times I don’t want nothin’ to do wit’ the person again.”

“Even wit’ me?”

“Nah. I still wanna be your friend. But don’t expect no love relationship comin’ out of me.”

“I understand.” She carassed the top of my head. “You’re so different,” she added.

“I’ve always been a freak of nature, starting with my eyes.”

“I said different. And I like your eyes.” I looked at her.

“Even da ugly brown one?” She laughed.

“Yeah, even dat one. And I don’t think I’s ugly. I only said dat to make you feel better.” I looked back at the ceiling.

“I like da brown one better. Feel like da grey one is a fake.” She giggled then ran her fingers across my cheek.

“I like you ‘cause you’re different.” She got up and put on a gown. She tossed me one that was a different color.

“You can wear that if you want.” I put it on and left the room with her. The room her best friend was in was empty with the door wide open. Heard the TV on downstairs. Figured it must be him that was watching it. We walked downstairs and I saw her face. Immediately I recognized his face. He was one of those nameless faces I had played with. All the blood in my body went to my face. Nothing could have described the embarrassment I felt. It was a gut jerking feeling that made me want to puke on the spot.

His eyes looked at me almost instantly, and already I could tell her recognized me.

“Darnell,” Sasha started to say. “This is Shade.” He smirked. I sat on the couch across from him, looking like I was mentally challenged.

“Oh Shade. I’ve seen her ‘roun here before,” he said. Sasha went to the kitchen yelling how she was hungry as fuck and there wasn’t any food. My eyes were stuck between the other couch and Darnell’s head because I couldn’t stop looking at him. Couldn’t figure out why his name was so unfamiliar. But how could I have forgotten such a gorgeous face and gorgeous body? The perfect fro with a fade, beautiful jawline. And his fingers. He had a way with his fingers to my vagina that no other guy could mimic. And his lips on my clit made my head spin. His body was carved by hands with some serious thought.

But something about him was so sexy, beyond his pleasure making. Maybe it was his Coca Cola skin. I had a weakness for dark skin, and his was perfect in tone. O it was his obvious pride and confidence.

Deep down though, I felt bad about dissing him the way I did. Before we had sex, he actually wanted to attempt to get to know me. But I didn’t want all of that so I got him weak for me and took advantage. Then afterward he tried again. But I told him off. Told him that I didn’t want any baggage on me after what we did. He said “fine wit’ me.” Even thought I could tell it slightly bothered him. If he never wanted to talk to me, even as we sat in Sasha’s family room, I would understand.

Sasha came back to the room eating some leftovers out of a glad container. She sat next to me, chewing on her food. The sounds of football whistles came from the TV and I could hear the food mushing around in Sasha’s mouth. Darnell’s complete silence almost killed me. Looked at the nice gown Sasha gave me and couldn’t help but guess how many girls work it before me. It smelt like Sasha and felt like her, but who else wore it? Did Darnell ever suspect I went “that way?” He moved his leg in his chair and it made me nervous. The fork clicked against Sasha’s white teeth and Darnell cleared his throat. Somebody had to break the silence.

“I’m tryin out for basketball,” I blurted, feeling stupid for saying it. I put myself in an awkward situation.

“Why?” Sasha asked.

“‘Cause I wanna get in shape, and stay in shape.”

“You have a perfect shape.”

“Well, I want to keep it.”

“Okay. Darnell plays basketball.” In that case, I might not try out, I thought. Before I asked the question I tried to remember if he went to our school. His face, where did I pick it up? Then I remembered it was those days I had to stay after for drivers Ed and he was going home from basketball practice. That was all I could remember. I don’t remember the words we shared. I just remember him being attractive.

“Oh… think I’ve seen him go to practice before… last year,” I said trying not to give too much away. But he didn’t say anything. His eyes were stuck on the TV screen. It was like he was remembering something awful about m. I figured it was the way I treated him. Either way, he wasn’t interested in conversation. Felt really bad about it. So I tried to talk to Sasha for the rest of the time I was there.

Got back home somewhere around nine o’clock. Darnell with Sasha drove me home which made it even more uncomfortable. It was like he knew exactly where I lived and my directions didn’t matter.

But unluckily for me, my mama wasn’t home, so I was left with Jim. He was doing what he did best at home; watching TV. He did absolutely nothing around the house but eat, sleep, and watch TV. I walked past him in the family room and when I did he asked:

“Where were you at?” I rolled my eyes, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.

“You’ll never be my dad,” I said. He shook his head.

“I swear if you were my child, you wouldn’t be doing half the things you be doing.”

“That’s why I’m not your child.” I said walking up the stairs.

“Wait, Shade.”

“Oh my god…,” I whispered. “What?”

“You have a boyfriend?” I sucked my teeth.

“That’s nunya business.”

“Oh, that’s right. You have multiple.” Then he laughed. I rolled my eyes and frowned hard enough to make my eyebrows come together. My room was where I was going to say for the rest of the night.