I Wanna Get Well

Zack was the one to break the silence by coughing. It seemed a little too loudly for me, but that was probably just because of the intensity of the silence. Either way I flinched and decided to look at my lap. Brian carefully placed his keys on the table in the kitchen area, the metal clink of the keys hitting each other filling the room.

“So, uh, I see you’ve met Phoenix,” Zack chirped, trying to make the air less awkward and tense. It didn’t work very well.

“Yeah, we met this morning.” Even as I heard Brian settle into one of the leather office chairs, I could still feel his gaze on me. I could feel my chest tightening, an uncomfortable feeling spreading throughout my entire body.

“I, uh - ” I wasn’t even thinking as I jumped to my feet. I looked everywhere but at the two men before me. I spotted the short hallway and instantly began to hurry off to it. “I’ll go tell Matt you’re here.”

I didn’t wait for a reply. I shot into one of the closed doors and slammed it hut behind me again. I leaned against the door, breathing shallowly as I gripped at the shirt above my thumping heart. What the hell was that about?! Maybe this was a “band only” thing and he’s angry. Matt should have just left me at Johnny’s.

“What are you doing?” I jumped slightly at the voice. I looked up to see Johnny sitting up on a couch, rubbing at his left eye with the edge of his hoodie’s sleeve. I could feel tears beginning to sting my eyes from the ordeal outside and my stupidity of the situation I was currently in. I had went into Johnny’s, the man who obviously disliked me, room instead of Matt’s.

“I’m s – sorry. I was - ” the words bubbled in my throat and I let out a short hiccup, covering my mouth instantly. Tears had begun to leak out of the corners of my eyes and betray me by showing all this weakness to Johnny. Johnny’s eyes grew wide, clearly surprised. I knew the smartest thing to do was turn around and leave but my body had frozen the second I had locked eyes with his brown ones. It was like I was paralyzed. He stood awkwardly to his feet and advanced towards me. Involuntarily, I pressed my back to the door, hoping to evaporate through it.

“It’s okay Fee, I’m not going to hurt you,” Johnny murmured. When he was finally close enough, he gently placed a hand on my shoulder. It was so soft it was like he was treating porcelain instead of a person. Too bad I didn’t have any will in my body to mock him, nor did I think I had the mental set to. He guided me to the couch and helped lower my trembling body to the seat. He knelt before me and placed his hands on my knees. “Just take deep breaths. You’re fine.”

Against my inner objections to not trust his words, my body began to relax and my panic began to disappear. Sadly, though, as my body relaxed so did every will that had been holding back most of my tears. They began to flow freely and Johnny looked taken aback.

“Uh, it’s okay. Just…just calm down Fee. It’s okay,” he spoke slowly, giving my knee a light squeeze. I knew he was honestly lost and confused. Not only by my emotions, but by how to handle the situation. It probably wasn’t often that Johnny had to comfort people. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had never been given such a responsibility before.

“I’m s – sorry J – Jo – Johnny. I don’t know why - ” My throat suddenly seemed to close up, my words lost. My whole body began to shake with sobs.

“It’s fine Fee. I know you can’t control it, just try to calm down okay?” He cautiously sunk onto the couch next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. He gently pulled me into his side, petting my hair. I instantly relaxed, curling into his side and burying my face into his shoulder. It was strange, having Johnny be so kind. Maybe it was just because he didn’t want to explain this to the guys.

Who cares his reasoning behind it?! He was doing it and that’s all that mattered.

After a few minutes of silence and Johnny petting my hair, I felt loads better. I didn’t want to move but I know I need to. The guys had to record. I gently pushed myself away from Johnny. He detached himself but watched me intently as if I might breakdown again. I wiped at my eyes and flashed a weak smile. “Thank you. I had just meant to come tell you Brian’s here but…”

“It’s no problem Fee, I just – wait,” his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Brian’s here?” I nodded. “He actually showed. I’ll be damned.”

I stood to my feet, almost falling as they threatened to give out. Johnny was quick; soon on his own feet and steadying me. I flashed another smile and gently stepped back as they strengthened. “I need to go tell Matt.”

“Matt already went to the front. I heard him leave while we were sitting,” Johnny spoke, leading the way to the door. I paused while his back was to me, my face tinting a bright red. Had I really not heard him? My crying was that loud to my own ears? God, they probably all heard me. “Phoenix?”

“Huh?” I blinked, seeing Johnny staring at me. Behind him, in the open doorway, was also Zack. They were both giving me curious stares. I could feel my face flush darker and I wish I could disappear on the spot. “Sorry – I uh – I’m going to go have a smoke.”

I kept my eyes on my feet as I quickly walked down the hall to the front. I didn’t dare look up until I was outside the blue studio. I let out a shaky breath before I sank into one of the metal chairs outside the entrance. I dug into my left, chest pocket until I reemerged with my pack. I shook out my last Marlboro and my lighter, quickly lighting the white end of the stick. As I took a pull I carelessly tossed my empty pack onto the table. Looks like I need a new one.

I sunk into my thoughts and didn’t come back around until I took a drag and had burnt my lips. I yelped, flicking it away from me. When did I hit the fucking filter? I don’t even remember getting halfway! I shook my head before grabbing my lighter and heading inside. Brian, who had the fridge open, turned to look at me. Matt was in the booth with Zack and Johnny watching him. I stopped a few feet away from him, shifting my weight from foot to foot.

“Uhh. Thanks for this morning,” I spoke, trying my best to smile brightly at him. He just slowly nodded as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. He shut the door and silently leaned against it. The whole time he was just staring at me, not speaking a word. I glanced desperately at the other two men in the room, but they didn’t seem to have notice I had come back in, let alone speak.

“I didn’t think anyone could actually do it.” I jumped, looking back at Brian. He took a pull from the bottle, still just staring at me. “I was pretty sure Johnny would have been the next person we’d have to bury. But he’s been talking again, smiling even. But…nothing’s changed - ” he paused for a moment, looking me up and down. “Nothing except that now you’re here.”

“I haven’t - ” Brian cut me off.

“You have made a difference. Johnny was worse than me through all this time. I continued to eat, go out once in a while, drink things that wasn’t alcohol, and breathe more than nicotine. Johnny was, maybe, two months from dead. I should know, I sat outside in the emergency room, just waiting for them to tell me I was too late, he was gone. Zack told me how he acts around you. You brought him back from that abyss.”

“No, I know that’s not true. Me helping, I mean,” I argued, shaking my head lightly. “He doesn’t like me at all and avoids me as much as possible.”

Brian chuckled. “Johnny can’t read his own emotions any better than you do.” Seeing my surprised look Brian added, “Zacky told me about it when you ran out earlier.”

“Oh. Okay…” I didn’t mind Zacky telling, honestly it’s too obvious to not mention, but he seemed to know so much about me and I knew practically nothing about him. It wasn’t too comforting to me at all.

“But either way, you did it.” I looked up at Brian but he was staring towards the guys. “And I’m really thankful. I won you Phoenix. You saved me having to bury another one of my friends so early in life, even if you don’t believe me. I don’t think I could have lasted another person that means so much to me missing.”

As Brian turned to me I nearly forgot how to breathe. His eyes were full of happiness but also tears. It stunned me. Wasn’t this the man Parker had showed me countless videos of picking on Johnny? It seemed so…surreal. They all really were the best of friends, weren’t they? My heart swelled with the pain I knew Brian was must have been feeling with the reminder of Jimmy. I don’t know what in my mind told me to do it, but I hugged Brian.

He instantly wrapped his arms around my shoulders and buried his face into the crook of my neck. I tightened one arm around his waist and used the other to rub up and down his back. Suddenly I could feel tears wetting my skin and I frowned deeply. “B – Brian?”

“I miss him so much,” Brian breathed out with a sniffle. My heart sank at the sound. I rested my head sideways on the back of his head and began to coo sweet nothings into his ear. Poor guy. Guess you can’t say that this whole strange group I joined never lets out our emotions, huh? It was a few minutes before another voice was heard.

“Hey, uh, guys?” I gazed over Brian’s head (didn’t think I would ever be able to say that) and saw the other three males giving us weird stares. I smiled weakly, unsure of what to say. Hell, what was there to say? “Are you joining us any time soon?”

“Hey, she is my unofficial therapist now,” Brian spoke, his voice soft, probably to avoid it cracking. He raised himself back to his full height, his back popping from the uncomfortable position he had put it in. He inconspicuously, at least to the guys, rubbed the tear stains from his face before turning to smirk at the others. “You don’t rush a man at therapy.”

“Well not you’re thirty minutes are over, so come on!” Zack called, grinning.

“Fine, fine!” Brian gave one last smile before hurrying over to the others. I smiled and gave a short wave to the four before heading into the back hall. I walked into the room Johnny had be stationed in, clicking the door shut behind me. I laid on my side on the couch, relaxing into the leather couch and the smell of Axe lingering on my clothes. Brian wears the same thing Parker had worn before, it’s relaxing really.

Suddenly my phone was ringing, a bit too loudly for my tastes. I groaned as I dug out the rectangular device. When I saw the ID on the screen I shook my head. Speak of the devil. “What Parker?”

“Why did you lie to Matt this morning?” I sighed. He was angry at me.

“I left for a walk since Johnny wasn’t up yet. It’s not that serious Parker. I’m am twenty-four, damnit.”

“You’re an emotionally unstable twenty-four year old! What happens if you snap, you happen to be near traffic, and no one knows where you are! It’s not like you have identification or an obvious person to call in your phone! For fuck’s sake Phoenix, what happens then, huh?!” Parker shouted. I fell silent, anger flaring and my lips tightly pursed together. And just like that it made sense Parker never wanted me left alone. He was afraid I would try to just up and kill myself randomly. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “I’m sorry Fee, that was uncalled for.”

“You can say that again,” I snapped. Suddenly a small voice piped up in the back of my mind. That little annoying beast they called a ‘conscious’. It was telling me that I knew Parker was just worried about me and that I shouldn’t hold it against him. But my mind was too busy trying to murder it to care. With all the stuff going on today I was just feeling too suffocated with his ‘brotherly love’ shit. I wasn’t in the mood for it and he could feel guilty for it all he wanted. I wasn’t going to apologize back, there was absolutely no point. So I let the silence fill the conversation. Parker sighed loudly.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? Work is stressing me out. I got slammed with three big projects from three different people. When I heard you weren’t at Johnny’s I freaked and got worked up, okay?” I knew he was waiting for my apology but it was something he wasn’t getting.

“Look, I gotta go. I’ll see you after work.” With that I hung up and headed to the front. I knew all I was going to do was drive myself insane if I isolated myself. Time to become a people person for the next few hours. As soon as I entered the room there was a shout and tug on my hand.

“Phoenix! You have to hear this!” Zack shouted, shoving me into the chair he had been occupying and pressing play on the many buttons. I was blown away.