I Wanna Get Well

I took a deep breath, staring up at the very familiar building. I bit my lip as my stomach did strange flips inside of me. I was pretty sure there were some belly flops in there too.I could suddenly feel a warmth on my left hand, causing me to tears my eyes from the hospital. Zack softly smiled at me and patted my hand which was resting on the center console.

“You ready?”

I paused and silently thought the idea of ‘being ready’ in my mind. Being ready meant that you were willing to do whatever your task included. So, was I ready? Not in the slightest. I wasn’t ready to have most of my rights stripped away from me. I wasn’t ready to have to cease most communication between the people I had become fond of enough to call my friends. But then again, will I ever be ready? No, I doubted it but I had to eventually. Might was well get the idea into gear now instead of later.

“Yeah.”

We climbed out of his vehicle silently. I leaned into the back seat to retrieve the suitcase who had only recently escaped this place with me and an additional backpack. Its amazing how much I remember to grab when I’m allowed to pack on my own. Like deodorant and a toothbrush. Not kidding, the staff had to give me those last time. It was nasty, I was afraid where they had come from, and I was not going to do that again.

Soon enough we were stepping into the lobby. It had gotten a paint job recently. Instead of the ugly beige color it was now a gorgeous tone of turquoise. The cheery, plump woman behind the large desk looked up to greet us only to stop short. Her brown eyes had bulged and suddenly made her look strikingly similar to a deer caught in headlights. As we approached the high counted of the desk she picked up her phone and spoke into it, “Doctor, we have a visitor.”

“Hello Agnes,” I greeted as she placed the phone back into its cradle, placing my bags on the ground before my feet. “How is Luke?”

She jumped out of the chair with more agility than I thought a woman in her sixties would possess. She pulled me forward into a tight hug over the desk. The counter stabbed me in my rib cage but I ignored it as I hugged her back. She was not only the front desk lady, but also a nurse and one of the kindest around. When we parted she had her signature smile back on her face. “What are you doing here, Fee?”

“I’ve come to check myself in.” Her smile quickly evaporated. Her face drooped and her lips took the form of a concerned frown. As Agnes opened her mouth I promptly waved her words off. “No, I’m not being forced. It was my decision to come back. I wasn’t ready to leave yet, and I didn’t realize it until today.”

Agnes studied me for a moment before nodding. Her smile returned yet again. Her large eyes trailed to Zack who was standing behind me still with his hands deep in his pant's pockets. “And who is this? Your boyfriend?”

I giggled as Zack blushed and decided to stare at his Vans instead of meeting her eyes. “No, no. This is my good friend Zacky Baker. He gave me a lift.”

Agnes frowned and I could tell she wanted to ask me about Parker but decided against it. I could tell in the way the corner of her lips had twitched. It was a signature trait I had found out. When she had a questioned she thought was too personal, she would do that. Instead she said, “I figured you would have gotten a boyfriend the moment you left.”

“Well they don’t exactly have a line flocking outside for girls to be released,” I chuckled.

“That’s not what I mean Fee,” Agnes chided. “Any guy would be lucky to have a girl like you.”

“She does have a boyfriend, she’s just being bashful,” Zack piped in when I couldn’t think of anything to say back to her. Lucky was how you would describe it? Going out with someone who was a nut job was lucky? I’d hate to see what unlucky was like.

“Well where is he, hun?” Agnes asked me gently, a frown beginning to sneak up on her again.

“He’s out of town. His mother isn’t feeling well,” I lied. I don’t even know if both of his parents are alive or how they are. He never spoke about them and I guess I was too wrapped up in everything else to ask about them. Some kind of girlfriend I was. The truth was that I was hesitant to let Johnny drop me off. He was too unstable for that. I doubted he would even take me to Newport. Knowing him he would try to convince me not to the whole ride. And if I didn’t change my mind he’d drive us somewhere else until I did change it. So I kissed him, told him I loved him, and left with Zack who had offered to drive.

“Well I just hope you spoke to him about it,” Agnes scolded. I nodded in reply. She perked up and grinned widely. “There’s always Visiting Saturdays!”

I chuckled, nodding. For a few hours every Saturday the patients here at Newport would be allowed to visit with family and friends. Some would only speak through the glass windows with phones while others could be in the patient’s room and talk. And a select few from the residents who willing checked in, such as me, has permission to leave for two hours. Needless to say, before I hadn’t been able to use Visiting Saturdays because no one came to visit but I’m hoping that this time around I would be able to take all the benefits.

At that moment a knock came from the double doors to the right. Agnes pressed her button and a loud buzzing filled the room before it was pulled open. Dr. Abrahams looked up from his watch and stopped in mid-step, his face resembling how Agnes’s had been a few minutes ago. He didn’t look a day older than when I had last seen him.

“Phoenix! Parker hadn’t informed me that you had decided to come back.”

“I haven’t seen Parker in a while and didn’t want him to know I had come back. I have chosen to come back here on my own.” Dr. Abrahams smiled at me. I knew he was happy that if I had come back that it was on my own free will. I was one of the notorious patients who had been dropped here and had never admitted I needed to be here. I guess this was his idea of a big milestone in my life.

“Very well Phoenix. I should assume you know that this means you may leave whenever you wish then?”

“Yes, but I don’t want to leave here until I’m better. And this time I want to feel I’m ready too, not only on your word. No offense Doc.”

“None taken,” he replied.He looked over towards Zack who smiled softly. “Your boyfriend?”

Zack’s smiled was quickly gone and he was soon scowling like a hormonal teenager. I couldn’t help but laughing at him, causing Zack to roll his eyes. Dr. Abrahams stared at us as though he was missing out on a joke. “Sorry, no. My boyfriend was out of town so Zack dropped me off. He’s just my friend.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you Zack,” Dr. Abrahams spoke, holding out his hand.

“You too.” He shook his hand before glancing at the clock above the desk. He turned to me with an apologetic smile. “Sorry Fee, I gotta head out. Call me if you need anything, okay? Well, you know, if you can.”

“Definitely,” I spoke. We gave each other a tight hug before parting. I smiled, patting his cheek. “And I expect to see you guys next week. Don’t think I’m just going to vanish, okay? And I expect the same from you guys.”

“You got it.” He bid us all farewell before heading out into the outside world. I gave one longing look before turning back to the doctor and nurse before me.

“I will be paying for my own stay.”

“Don’t bother Fee.” I quirked my eyebrow at Dr. Abrahams. He smiled in return. “We weren’t very truthful. You’re father had left a lot more money than we had anticipated when you left. It’s been sitting in your ‘account’ just waiting for someone to come claim it. Since your father never had, its still there.”

“I don’t doubt it,” I muttered. I knew he had left it here so he could hope I would return. Well, guess he got his wish.

“Okay, so you know you are allowed to bring your own music, as long as you have headphones. You may also possess cigarettes since you are of legal age. You must smoke only in designated spots outside or next to your window,” Agnes droned on. I had heard this last time, though neither applied for me last time. But last time I hadn’t packed for myself either.

“Got it all in here,” I spoke, tapping my backpack with my foot.

“Well then Phoenix, if you’ll just follow me to your room.” I picked up my bag before following him to the doors. Once Agnes pressed the button to open the doors, Dr. Abrahams led me down a hallway lined with doors. I smiled to everyone I passed and was surprised to know nearly all the staff but almost none of the patients. The staff was also surprised but the patients either regarded me with little to no interest. “Ah, here we are.”

I looked up, seeing Dr. Abrahams standing to the side of an open doorway. I walked in and smiled. “My old room, huh?”

“Just a coincident that it was open, but I thought you might enjoy having it back.” I nodded. A lot of memories were in this room. Given they weren’t all that good, but they were my memories. And as much as some of them might hurt, I needed them to grow as a person.

“Thank you, its very nice of you.”

Dr. Abrahams sighed as I placed my bags onto the bed. Turning back to him I noticed a security guard had appeared. It was Leonel Hernandez, one of the few people who weren’t very comfortable in a hospital scene. But he did have a family to support so he did what he needed to. “I figured you know now is where I get not so nice.”

I did. I placed my hands on the wall, allowing Leonel to give me a pat down. Once that was down he had to look through my belongings as I put everything in the dresser across the room from my bed. The only thing they had to take was my iPhone charger and my lighter. Matches only in this place and no electric plugs. All charging is done by staff only. Pretty much exactly as I knew but slightly forgot while packing. Once the process was all over I sank onto my bed, Leonel bidding farewell and Dr. Abrahams promising to return to let us have our ‘first’ session.

I placed my face in my hands as the door shut behind them and a lock was turned. People would think its inhumane but I can’t blame them. When you’re first brought in, no one knows who is able to be civil around people and who isn’t. They lock the doors for the first four days. If you behave well its left open except at nighttime. Just because I had been here once before didn’t leave me at an advantage. Everyone did their time to be rewarded.

I rubbed at my face, groaning. The door shut less than a minute ago and yet I could already feel my anxiety bubbling up again as if it had disappeared, for the most past, for a while now. I jumped off my bed and began to pace in a small, tight oval. The same pattern in the same spot that I half expected to look down and see the beaten path from my last visit. I was already losing it again.

“I wasn’t ready.”