Could You Love Me Just A Little Bit More

I didn't know what to say to Jimmy. I was so full of shock that I was the very first person he'd spoken to about his past to put into words. It was a brave thing to do and to tell someone you barely knew took guts. Maybe it was because I wasn't going to be around him forever so he didn't mind telling me, or maybe it was because I was in the situation too, what ever his reason, I was proud of him.

'Oh wow...well I'm pretty much honoured to be the first person to listen. I know how hard it is. I've only ever told Lola and Rob...and in a fit of rage a whole band, but I feel so ashamed to speak about them in case I'm automatically placed with them.' I told Jimmy, putting words together so he didn't feel uncomfortable around my silence.

'I'm just scared of the memories coming back too much. Growing up with them taking drugs around me, to being tossed into a care home to being back with my parents, it scares me. I know when you look at a big, burly bus driver such as myself the word scared should mean nothing, but it does. My parents terrify me, it terrifies me that they were happy to let me die before I was even born. How my life meant nothing.' I could see his grip on the steering wheel tighten.

'I know, its a terrifying world to be thrown into and I'm so sorry for the way you were brought into it, but you're happy now and you don't have to speak of them any longer. No one will ask so you don't have to say.' I tried to be as helpful as Jimmy had been towards me.

'You're right, I am happy.' Jimmy smiled, relaxing. 'I have a beautiful wife and a daughter waiting for me at home. I love them both so much it hurts and the way they feel for me is the same, its the love I never felt from my parents and I would never give it away.' He stopped talking and inhaled a little. 'Can I ask you a question?' He said as he stopped the bus at a set of lights and turned to look at me.

'Of course.' I was still sat facing him in my seat, waiting for his question.

'The love you get from Rob, is it what you wished you had from your parents?' He asked. I knew where it was going and I knew the answer straight away.

'No, its not. I wish I had more from Rob. What I feel from him probably comes to about three on a scale of one to ten, my parents being zero.' I sighed not realising how much I'd let myself get sucked into a routine. I'd blinded myself with stability to not notice Rob and I had gone south.

'I will say no more.' Jimmy finally stated and continued to drive as the light went green.

I turned myself back around in my seat and faced the road, the sun coming up only slightly casting a nice orange glow on the trees and sky.

I knew Jimmy had edged the conversation towards Kellin and I without even saying his name. The attention and affection and kindness Kellin had shown me in the short two months had pushed him off the scale of ten. He gave me what I never had from my parents and something Rob never gave me either. He gave me hope. Hope of finding happiness and good in a person, it just sucked so much that I was too good of a person to split up with Rob via text or phone-call, but I also couldn't help but feel panicked at the thought of not having a home to go to when I got back.

Kellin wouldn't be there and I needed my stability. I couldn't bare the thought of going home to nothing.